Hi all,

I've been a wreck lately. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm so sorry for the long post ahead.

I'm a 22 year old gay man and I'm questioning whether I'm actually a straight trans-woman.

I first had thoughts about being transgender after I watched Caitlyn Jenner's interview with Diane Sawyer. I started obsessively worrying about whether I was trans, checking every man and woman to see if I would enjoy being like them. I spoke to my GP and a psychotherapist and he pinned it down to my OCD, which I have suffered from for a long time.

This was over a year and a half ago and the thoughts quietened a bit but still lingered, and was the major 'theme' for my OCD. I recently went off my medication and the thoughts came back. This time I decided: if I'm trans then I need to face the fear and if it really is OCD then I need to face the fear too. I finally allowed myself to really entertain the fact that I might be transgender and it's sent me into a deep sadness.

I've always felt different to other boys. I was a really gentle natured kid and didn't fit in, but had close female friends throughout school. But as I got to my teens I felt more confident and popular. As I got to University as a gay man I finally felt sexy and confident. I've always had a slim body and I've never been particularly masculine but I've felt at peace with my body (except in times where I've put on a bit of weight). At the same time gendered things did bother me when I was young but I pinned it down to being socially anxious. I've read about how people experience dysphoria indirectly and I worry that my problems (anxiety, depression) that have always afflicted me are due to this. 

I did think that sometimes it'd be easier being a girl because then I wouldn't have to deal with certain scenarios (being forced to play rugby in school, having to deal with the macho environment of a changing room etc). I didn't like what people expected of me as a boy. There are times that I feel jealous of women. For example, when all my friends would be getting ready together to go out (putting make up on etc) I do feel a bit left out. I went for dinner with a few friends (girls) and they all looked great and complemented each other. I've always liked female fashion and I liked what they were wearing too and almost felt a pang of jealousy/sadness because they were wearing nice jewellery and I just felt scruffy. I've always been jealous of women with regards to relationships, because as a gay man they just haven't come easily for me.

When I finally let the thoughts in I decided to try ERP therapy for OCD, but allowing in the possibility that I might be trans, I feel more trans than ever. I watched Transparent and went into a panic attack. I fell into all my old 'compulsions' and in the morning was crying to my mum. I told her everything and felt overwhelmingly supported. I did the same with my sisters a year and a half ago when this first started. I felt so anxious, and I kept saying to my mother 'but I'm worried that I feel like a woman inside'. The anxiety around this worry/realisation made it feel so much more real.

I know that if I chose to transition at this age I could live life as a woman. I'm 5'11" but slim, and have quite a feminine face. I recognise that I am so beyond lucky to be in a supportive environment and would have access to the means to make a full transition, including FFS/SRS/voice surgery. Life as a trans-woman hard but I've been doing lots of research and I know that it is possible. If this is something that I have to do then I can do it.

But I can't reconcile whether this is something I even want. I can't say definitively whether I feel relief when I imagine myself as a woman. I can't recall an intense desire to wear women's clothing. When I put my penis between my legs and squint my eyes in the mirror to imagine myself with boobs I don't feel relief. I feel indifferent.  I don't like the sight of women's bodies and the thought of having a vagina (less so boobs) really disturbs me.

I know that each individual's degree of transition will vary. But for me, I don't think I want to be a woman with a penis. I would want to go all the way. But at the same time I just don't want a vagina.

Something within feels off. I feel like there isn't something right, and the fact that I'm still researching and googling is telling me that something isn't right. I feel like there could be a woman inside me but I'm so attached to my identity as a gay man. There's so much I want to experience as a gay man: a relationship, good sex. I often feel so excited about my life as a gay man, but yet I've never been as comfortable as other gay men and I've never felt that connected to gay culture. I cry looking at young pictures at myself because with all this anxiety I no longer feel like that boy in the picture is me. I feel like my current self is dying.

I'm seeing a therapist at the start of next month but at the same time I'm worried that speaking to her is just going to send me in circles again. Something's gotta give, the uncertainty is driving me crazy and I just can't bear it.

I'm in such a panic. I feel like I have to make a decision soon before it's too late. I don't want to bury this for it to come up 10 years later and then for me to regret that I didn't transition earlier.

Hi! Welcome to the forum! Confusion at the start is not uncommon.

Quote from: zincoff on January 12, 2017, 12:51:36 AM
I'm seeing a therapist at the start of next month but at the same time I'm worried that speaking to her is just going to send me in circles again.

Hopefully she will help give you a sense of stability and an ability to understand what is what for you. Seeing a therapist is just as much about being honest with yourself as with the. If you find her supportive and can trust her and open up to her then hopefully she'll be able to help you.

Hello Zincoff

I'm an old user here at Susan's.  I left but re-joined, since I specifically wanted to reply to your post.

Your situation is far from unique - my history was similar to yours.   Firstly I want you to know that there is plenty of time to deal with your situation, so work on keeping calm and steady.  Whatever path you choose, I strongly recommend that you keep a cool head, a strong desire to understand yourself, and that you maintain an absolutely positive attitude at all times.  This last point is so  fundamental that I cannot emphasise it enough.

As Ms Grace states, a good therapist is a wonderful thing, as long as you are honest with yourself during your sessions.  This may take a few sessions, but it's really worthwhile and - whatever path you may choose - you will understand yourself better, which is always a good thing!  You need to have a good vibe with your therapist, so do consider changing if the person doesn't work for you after a few meetings.

Some observations:  it's very hard to have a gay identity and make a life as a gay man in a gay male world when your core identity is really that of a transgender woman.  I think that some of us deal with this by sublimating our transgender sense of ourselves into a gay identity and, by doing this,  we hope to find a halfway house: begin a gay man with another man may be easier than becoming a woman in order to be with a straight man.   I, too, found that the gay world did not fit me, even though I liked gay men.  But as I released  my mind and gender identity, and thanks to one specific boyfriend, I came to realise that at my core I wanted to be a woman with a man. (I know that this whole bit about releasing your mind sounds like something from Matrix, but it's really fundamental!)

My advice is to embark on your exploration calmly, and see what you find.  Nothing is predetermined, and you may find that both your overall happiness and OCD will improve once you find your correct path.   You have plenty of time – really you do – so please remember this.

Does this make some sense?

Hugs
Julia

Quote from: julia-madrid on January 12, 2017, 04:12:43 AM
Hello Zincoff

I'm an old user here at Susan's.  I left but re-joined, since I specifically wanted to reply to your post.

Your situation is far from unique - my history was similar to yours.   Firstly I want you to know that there is plenty of time to deal with your situation, so work on keeping calm and steady.  Whatever path you choose, I strongly recommend that you keep a cool head, a strong desire to understand yourself, and that you maintain an absolutely positive attitude at all times.  This last point is so  fundamental that I cannot emphasise it enough.

As Ms Grace states, a good therapist is a wonderful thing, as long as you are honest with yourself during your sessions.  This may take a few sessions, but it's really worthwhile and - whatever path you may choose - you will understand yourself better, which is always a good thing!  You need to have a good vibe with your therapist, so do consider changing if the person doesn't work for you after a few meetings.

Some observations:  it's very hard to have a gay identity and make a life as a gay man in a gay male world when your core identity is really that of a transgender woman.  I think that some of us deal with this by sublimating our transgender sense of ourselves into a gay identity and, by doing this,  we hope to find a halfway house: begin a gay man with another man may be easier than becoming a woman in order to be with a straight man.   I, too, found that the gay world did not fit me, even though I liked gay men.  But as I released  my mind and gender identity, and thanks to one specific boyfriend, I came to realise that at my core I wanted to be a woman with a man. (I know that this whole bit about releasing your mind sounds like something from Matrix, but it's really fundamental!)

My advice is to embark on your exploration calmly, and see what you find.  Nothing is predetermined, and you may find that both your overall happiness and OCD will improve once you find your correct path.   You have plenty of time – really you do – so please remember this.

Does this make some sense?

Hugs
Julia

Hi Julia,

Thanks for your message, I appreciate you taking the time to write a reply to me.

I tried to control my anxiety as I read your post as I spike whenever someone points out that there's a possibility it's not OCD. Did you struggle with OCD for a long time? Did you have other themes alongside what you thought was your transgender theme? I'm just fed up of feeling anxious for no identifiable reason.

I've accepted that whatever it turns out to be, I'm going to have to roll with it. I think this is something that a lot of people who are transgender struggle to come to terms with, but I think this is a hurdle I can overcome. I suppose the struggle now is that I feel so indifferent to being a woman. Likewise, I feel fine with my body now but not euphoric. It's hard to get any closure from this.

Any jealousy feels transient. If I had to push a button to live a different life or to be born as a girl/Beyoncé etc. I just don't think I would. But maybe this just means I have accepted the reality of a trans identity (i.e. being born a man).

When I listen to gay comedians sometimes it feels like a breath of fresh air. Like, 'wow, this person just gets it'. But I'm not sure if it's because I've been living as a gay man or because that's what my core identity is. I suppose no matter what exploration I do it won't turn me trans or turn me not trans. And so exploration is important as long as I'm not going in circles asking the same questions over and over again. I don't have any urge to crossdress (although I've done drag and found that fun) but I think I might do it privately with a friend soon.

Hey Zincoff

Your comment on your possible-or-not OCD is interesting.  I didn't have to deal with anything similar, but I can certainly say that I became much more relaxed once I determined my true direction.  You may find this too.

You know, in general as people, we are often our own worst enemies.  We so strongly want to classify ourselves - gay, straight, agnostic, vegetarian, whatever - and we often railroad ourselves into a role we hope will work for us without knowing if this role is who we truly are.  That's why it's so important to explore, now that you have this chance.

And, as you say, just roll with it, and let your life take you in interesting directions if that's how things will be.  As a coda, I decided to transition, and it was the most brilliant and exhilarating experience of my life.  And then, when I was fully transitioned and 100% happy, I returned to dating and I found that, since my body and social role were now in harmony, I didn't want to be partnered with a man after all but rather with a woman.  It puzzled and then bemused me no end, but it's back to what I said earlier about sublimating one's true desire into something else in order to try to fit in.

xxx
J

Quote from: julia-madrid on January 12, 2017, 05:15:21 AM
Hey Zincoff

Your comment on your possible-or-not OCD is interesting.  I didn't have to deal with anything similar, but I can certainly say that I became much more relaxed once I determined my true direction.  You may find this too.

You know, in general as people, we are often our own worst enemies.  We so strongly want to classify ourselves - gay, straight, agnostic, vegetarian, whatever - and we often railroad ourselves into a role we hope will work for us without knowing if this role is who we truly are.  That's why it's so important to explore, now that you have this chance.

And, as you say, just roll with it, and let your life take you in interesting directions if that's how things will be.  As a coda, I decided to transition, and it was the most brilliant and exilirating experience of my life.  And then, when I was fully transitioned and 100% happy, I returned to dating and I found that, since my body and social role were now in harmony, I didn't want to be partnered with a man after all but rather with a woman.  It puzzled and then bemused me no end, but it's back to what I said earlier about sublimating one's true desire into something else in order to try to fit in.

xxx
J

Hi Julia,

Thanks for your reply. Once again I appreciate it. You're right about the urgency to classify ourselves -- on one hand it gives us a sense of purpose but on the other it can backfire if that purpose is misaligned with who you are.

I'd like to say that I'm so happy to hear of the joy you've experienced on your journey. The mind is a funny, endlessly confusing thing -- I guess you just have to be happy where it takes you and not burden yourself with how you get there.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have lived the life I've lived so far - aside from episodes of depression and anxiety I've had such great experiences in this life. When I reflect on my life it's like I can escape the anxiety and depression and feel grateful, even though there were bumps along the way. I hope that if my path ends up being that of a trans-woman that I don't look upon my life up until now with disdain.

Welcome to the site.

I am a firm convert to the use of therapists. I can only imagine that when you are thinking about things, you might go in circles. However, write it all down and tell your therapist. See if they have a suggestion to cope or experiment.

Many find when starting HRT that the calmness they bring when prescribed correctly makes one more content. Things seem a little less urgent. It may even shift your thinking a bit about your body. Of course the interesting thing about women is that they can't really see their vagina without a mirror. So maybe that would not even be a problem.

the common things you will hear here are:

It is not a sprint, patience is your friend.

Everyone's experience is a little different in their transition.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: zincoff on January 12, 2017, 12:51:36 AM
I'm questioning whether I'm actually a straight trans-woman.

I came out as gay in 1994 and at the time I had as much attraction to females as I did to males but I couldn't live a double life anymore hiding my same sex attraction issues.  And I had fun for a time but after awhile, since I'm transgender, even gay sex wasn't what all I expected it to be.  Something was STILL off.  So I drifted toward a default asexual life while identifying socially as a gay man. The common denominator wasn't that I just wanted to go to bed with men. I wanted to go to bed as a woman. It was as off for me as was PIV sex with a woman.

If gay sex is important to you, then you also should be aware that estrogen HRT is, for many of us, an "anti-Viagra." Now gay sex would be pretty problematic for me as would PIV sex.  But I don't miss it in any way whatsoever. My sexuality is aligning much more toward a female sexuality.  And it's progressive for sure. Someone once wrote that 'gender is the way sexuality develops and ultimately finds its target.'


I write this only to give you a sense of another case study.  We are all different, but I find it useful compare my own experience, all of which has played our over a very long period of time in uniquely different circumstances, with that of other transgender women.

Quote from: zincoff on January 12, 2017, 04:21:47 AM
I suppose no matter what exploration I do it won't turn me trans or turn me not trans.

Quite so. You are who you are.  A common misconception is about transgender regret.  In reality very few transgender people who ultimately do decide to transition feel any regret. Quite the opposite in fact.

Quote from: zincoff on January 12, 2017, 04:21:47 AM
I don't have any urge to crossdress (although I've done drag and found that fun) but I think I might do it privately with a friend soon.

I was pretty different.  Pre-transition, I always had an urge to crossdress, which was punctuated by periods of guilt and purging only to always emerge again and again. Ever since puberty, and even before.  One thing a lot of transgender people who are questioning where their place is on the spectrum are often encouraged to do is Real Life Experience (RLE).  This is living or going out in public in the presentation of your preferred gender. It's a chance for other people in society to treat you as a woman and see how you feel about it.  Generally transgender women feel very giddy when gendered correctly and feel somewhat crestfallen when misgendered. For me everything about being gendered female feels right and vice versa.

Good luck with your explorations. It's kind of why we are here on planet Earth.  I do hope you find some answers.