Quote from: SpeakYourMind on January 11, 2017, 04:34:40 PM


Hello, saira
You're cutting yourself you're not wanting to wake up you're wanting to continue sleeping
You're wanting to hurt yourself to feel anything although you're saying you're to scared to come out to parents.
You ready for the cheesiest comment? You're brave because what you're doing at the moment is reaching out
and that alone is a hard thing to do. On top of this your life is so important your future is brighter then you know
and all you have to do is believe in yourself you have courage then you have strength. Coming out can be very scary but if you're feeling in such distress sometimes facing that fear is worth every second. Not very long ago i felt the same thing and i said the same words "I'm not strong enough" turns out i had a lot of strength and it only takes others who've been there to see the strength in others and i can already see it in you. You'll get there take your time and try relaxing, listen to music or do something you enjoy.

Thank you so much.

Hugs

Quote from: lc100 on January 11, 2017, 09:53:48 PM
I'd write more inspiring words, but I think everyone before me has it covered. I'm also a trans male, so I don't believe I could offer advice on ways to temporarily ease your dysphoria.

As someone who self harms as well, I can understand how difficult it is to stop. In the meantime, have you tried using neosporin for treating scars and letting the cuts heal faster? That is, if you're motivated to get rid of the scars. Sometimes I'm not, other times I'm grossed out by them. Perhaps your motivation could be that, once transitioning, you'll be able to enjoy your body even more without scars left from self harming.

As far as distractions from self harm... That depends on individual. You could work it out with your therapist, like you said. Or did you mean that you're going to finally get one? If so, I hope it goes well and that you could safely come out to them at some point, as well as find distractions. For now, keep looking up various distractions and other ways to cope and figure out what works best for you.

I wish you luck. Keep us updated if you can.

I already have a therapist. I have come out to him as a transgender. He doesn't know anything about my self harm. I haven't even told him about my sexual abuse. I was abused when I was 5 yrs old. I don't tell that to anyone.
I feel I was responsible for it, also, I don't want my parents to find out about it, it would break their hearts.  I feel so dirty inside, guilty even.
      How did you stop with your self harm?

    Yesterday, I tried finding some Mederma cream, but , I wasn't able to find it anywhere. I'll try again today.

     For me, cutting myself was, is a way to feel something, I hate that feeling of not feeling anything, it makes me feel like a vegetable. I know, there were too many "feels" in that sentence, but bear with me.
    I'm not so sure about the scars, the cuts are not too deep, I mean,  they bled, but I think, they will heal. One was too deep, so I stitched myself up. That was some first hand experience for my medical training.

    I'll keep on updating this thread.

Hugs

Love,
Saira.

Saira,

If you'd mentioned being abused before I'd missed it, I'm so sorry to hear this. I had been wondering if you didn't have something like that in your past because of the other things you've been writing.

Let me recommend the book "the body keeps the score" by Bessel van see Kolk. Because you're in med school you should also be able to obtain his (numerous) research articles.

His fundamental contribution has been recognition that humans (and all mammals) register abuse in the limbic center of the brain, an area that's not easily accessible to the thinking brain. As such, he's had good results with body centered therapies, breathing and meditation. I know those are the tools that most help me deal with my own history of abuse.

Consider pranayama? I feel that might be socially accessible for you. I'm not saying don't do therapy, it can help with both trauma and of course addressing gender.

Warm hugs from my side of the pond.

sb

     I can't comprehend how the people around me are so happy all the time. I don't remember really feeling happy in ages.
     I don't remember how it feels to laugh anymore.
     I just want to feel loved.

     I feel as if I am a ghost of a person I used to be. I was never really very happy, but the world definitely felt a better place back then.

     I am severly depressed, barely surviving each day. Only this online space gives me some hope.
     I know, the words I type are just bytes of data, floating in space. But talking here is like a drug, a drug I am clinging on for dear life.

    In Hindu Mythology, "Sanjeevani" is a magical herb, which can cure all forms of disease. Sanjeevani literally means "life giving" in Sanskrit. I wish I could have some of that now.


   

Saira, for every reply you see here there are a hundred more just reading your posts, and hoping for you!  So many of us have been in your place, and have found a way forward, hope, and healing.

None of us know the path your journey will take, but you have started, by seeing a therapist, and coming out to them.  Soon you will have an idea of what is possible, what paths are open to you, and you'll find hope.  It's out there, waiting for you.

You are doing the right thing in seeing a therapist.  Try to be as open and honest as you can with them.  They can help you better when they know all that you are going through.  They can help you clear away the mental clutter, the junk in our heads that we all trip over, and let you discover your path forward, and your hope.

Hope is the most powerful antidepressant I know of, and even though things seem terribly dark right now, you'll get better soon, life will be better soon, and you will have hope again. 

I was in the same spot a year ago.  Deep dark depression, and a feeling of no hope.  I thought I was dead inside, and almost did something very foolish.  Instead, I got help, and I found hope.  I'm better now.

Just hang in there.  Keep seeing that therapist.  Have hope that things will improve.  They will.

I've experienced that, depression has been with me so long that when it returns it feels like my oldest friend. Depression is common among trans people and I know mine has been severely triggered recently due to a combination of stresses coming together.

Ironically, finally having a surgery date has triggered a really nasty wave if depression, largely due to the months of uncertainty followed by an initially unworkable date and lack of communication from my surgeon's office.

For me and perhaps for you the immediate problem is coming from being in the midst of a time of change. The change is good but it's sure not easy.

Hello darkness my old friend...

I cried reading this thread. There are so many things I'd like to tell you but what's the point. First, you need to find a counselor. Someone who would listen to you and to whom you can open up, of course.

If there's anyone who drags you down, you need to let them go, or at least change people and environment you live in. That helped me a lot, found a different perspective.

Ummm... What else... I would definitely find qualified help with those cuts, I was able to suppress my cutting but in turn began to hurt myself in more sophisticated ways... I think most of us have in one way or another tendencies to destructive behaviour, especially before transitioning. All those emotions have to go somewhere...

Sweety, I wish you a happy life and courage to do what you want. We are here for you.

Odoslané z Moto G (4) pomocou Tapatalku

Quote from: Saira128 on January 12, 2017, 06:06:52 AM
Thank you so much.

Hugs

No problem, keep up the strength

Quote from: SadieBlake on January 12, 2017, 07:25:13 AM
Saira,

If you'd mentioned being abused before I'd missed it, I'm so sorry to hear this. I had been wondering if you didn't have something like that in your past because of the other things you've been writing.

Let me recommend the book "the body keeps the score" by Bessel van see Kolk. Because you're in med school you should also be able to obtain his (numerous) research articles.

His fundamental contribution has been recognition that humans (and all mammals) register abuse in the limbic center of the brain, an area that's not easily accessible to the thinking brain. As such, he's had good results with body centered therapies, breathing and meditation. I know those are the tools that most help me deal with my own history of abuse.

Consider pranayama? I feel that might be socially accessible for you. I'm not saying don't do therapy, it can help with both trauma and of course addressing gender.

Warm hugs from my side of the pond.

sb

I was abused when I was 5. I didn't know at that time, that this was something unacceptable.
    I have very vivid memories of that day. I remember the foul taste in my mouth.
     I remember wearing my pajama bottoms and shirt, and brushing my teeth twice, trying to get rid of the taste. Its been 15 yrs and I still haven't been able to get rid of it.

So, haven't made a cut on my body for nearly 2 days, I have started rewarding myself for every day without a cut.

Sweetie.

You're not alone, and positive support (self rewards), is a healthy thing to do. .

You do need to talk about all of this with your therapist - if you feel that you can't trust them with this information, then it's time to start looking for a new one, otherwise the root cause of these issues will remain unresolved...

It's thanks to the lovely folk here that I've managed 2 months without harm, although the clock went back to zero days recently after a particularly trying time - so I fully understand.

[hugs]

Rowan

Quote from: Saira128 on January 12, 2017, 06:16:59 AM
    I already have a therapist. I have come out to him as a transgender. He doesn't know anything about my self harm. I haven't even told him about my sexual abuse. I was abused when I was 5 yrs old. I don't tell that to anyone.
I feel I was responsible for it, also, I don't want my parents to find out about it, it would break their hearts.  I feel so dirty inside, guilty even.
Saira.

Saira there's absolutely no way a 5 year old can be responsible for sexual abuse.   There's absolutely no circumstance where someone who has been sexually abused is responsible.  The fault lies completely with the abuser.  This idea that the person abused is somehow at fault is very medieval.   Every person who decides to harm another person has made a choice, they have a brain, there's no magical power forcing them to do this.

Quote from: Saira128 on January 12, 2017, 09:53:31 PM
    I was abused when I was 5. I didn't know at that time, that this was something unacceptable.
    I have very vivid memories of that day. I remember the foul taste in my mouth.
     I remember wearing my pajama bottoms and shirt, and brushing my teeth twice, trying to get rid of the taste. Its been 15 yrs and I still haven't been able to get rid of it.

The person who did this to you is scum and is totally responsible.  This is not your fault in any way.

Take care of yourself Saira.  I hope things start to get better.
Paige

Quote from: Paige on January 13, 2017, 08:02:01 AM
Saira there's absolutely no way a 5 year old can be responsible for sexual abuse.   There's absolutely no circumstance where someone who has been sexually abused is responsible.  The fault lies completely with the abuser.  This idea that the person abused is somehow at fault is very medieval.   Every person who decides to harm another person has made a choice, they have a brain, there's no magical power forcing them to do this.

The person who did this to you is scum and is totally responsible.  This is not your fault in any way.

Take care of yourself Saira.  I hope things start to get better.
Paige

I think I was being punished for something I did earlier.
     I must have done something pretty bad.

Congrats on 2 days free of self harm!! This is a positive step in the right direction. And yes, for everyday you go reward yourself ! maybe after a month or so go treat yourself and go out for a special dinner or go to the movies! something like that! milestones baby! they can be done.

Now to the other thing. NO ONE deserves to be abused, especalliy a child. And the fact that it was sexual abuse makes my skin crawl with anger. You did nothing to deserve that, and the guy who did this is nothing but a disgusting pedo who should be 6 feet under.

Stay strong, and keep up the good work! xoxo -Ashley

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on January 13, 2017, 09:03:16 AM
Congrats on 2 days free of self harm!! This is a positive step in the right direction. And yes, for everyday you go reward yourself ! maybe after a month or so go treat yourself and go out for a special dinner or go to the movies! something like that! milestones baby! they can be done.

Now to the other thing. NO ONE deserves to be abused, especalliy a child. And the fact that it was sexual abuse makes my skin crawl with anger. You did nothing to deserve that, and the guy who did this is nothing but a disgusting pedo who should be 6 feet under.

Stay strong, and keep up the good work! xoxo -Ashley

It wasn't a guy

Quote from: Saira128 on January 12, 2017, 11:09:39 AM
I know, the words I type are just bytes of data, floating in space. But talking here is like a drug, a drug I am clinging on for dear life.   

No, they aren't, Saira. They're the feelings of a beautiful soul crying out in pain. Communication is communication, and reaching out is reaching out. Keep going. People are here for you, okay? You don't have to be alone. Keep talking, about anything, okay? You will get through this. You want to, and that is the biggest step of all. The rest will fall into place.

You don't have to deal with this by yourself. *hugs* Everything you want is there for the taking, sweetie. Just take it one step at a time and you can have it, okay? You have a lot of people who support you, who care about you, and who want the best for you. You're not alone.

Saira. i have been where you are, but my experiences were more overtly self distructive. I found a lgbtq help line that may be in your area, you may want to check them out. In the US i would say call the Trevor project, but maybe this line could be a help.

http://www.gaylaxymag.com/latest-news/sahaay-indias-first-24x7-queer-helpline-service/#gs.6PzOF3E

Quote from: Saira128 on January 13, 2017, 08:35:01 AM
    I think I was being punished for something I did earlier.
     I must have done something pretty bad.

Saira, as a Buddhist, I understand about karma.  But thinking about karma is not helpful in a situation such as this. 

Your five year old self was not in any way responsible for what happened.  You were not being punished for anything.  You were being abused.

Congratulations on two days without harming yourself!

Please open up to your therapist about your past and about your present.  He needs to know about this in order to help you.  And you need to have someone in real life who can help you through this.

Quote from: Saira128 on January 13, 2017, 08:35:01 AM
    I think I was being punished for something I did earlier.
     I must have done something pretty bad.

At age FIVE?  Hon, I raised three kids, and they all did kid stuff, misbehaved, sometimes pulled some pretty expensive stunts. But they are five year olds. They got punished, sure. But it was in terms they understood, NOT abuse. They might lose dessert for a few nights, or get a 'timeout', something they understood.

Kids don't understand abuse. The adults they trust are doing something strange, and it hurts, but they want to make the adults happy with them. And the abusers get away with it, transferring the burden of responsibility to the child.

It's not your fault. No matter what you might have done, you are not to blame for being abused.  That guilt is a legacy from the abuser. You need to let it go, and no longer blame yourself.

Please, talk to your therapist about this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

    Everyone believes in me except myself. I am so sorry.

     I think I'll be checking in a psychiatric ward tonight. I don't know if I will be able to post new updates for some days.

Wish me luck.

Love,
Saira.