I'm still struggling to look at my face to look at my body and to be able to tell myself i'm a boy and within given time i'll look how i'm wanting. It doesn't take away the fact before this i i lived my life as a female and to get my brain to understand eventually that'll change is hard. I was told how wonderful of a woman i'd become or how i'd grow up and be beautiful have a family and live with a man even though i new that wouldn't happen that image of looking female was put into my brain and i don't want to look female sure i have feminine traits as a guy but despite that i'm no female and i don't want this body looking like one any longer then it already has, yes you could consider me being impatient but i'm more distressed then impatient. I'll see a CIS male in clothing and be like i can wear that but i'll never look like that transition will only get me so far and for all i know i won't even change very much or either way i'll always remember before and i'll never get it out of my head, it's a pain to get it out of my head. And i'm being a contradiction telling others to wait is true taking my own advice would be great! But i'm just sitting here thinking even if it's possible it won't be a life for me because it can't take everything away and i'll never completely change in a way that could make me comfortable, is it a fear? I don't know at the moment all i know is i'm wanting and wishing i could have just been born how i wanted and life could be golden. It's painful, it's hard and even on HRT playing a waiting game i'm still finding myself thinking what happens after? Can i really fit in to the CIS groups? Can i really be seen as a guy?
After this, i'll help who i can if i come across people but in the end i just want to eventually live every day life along side other men who won't have a clue as to my past history. Maybe that's something to shun i don't know.

I was worried early on that people would always see me as someone in between or constantly bring up that I used to be a girl. 2 years in, and that could not be further from reality. If people ever think about the old me, they never mention it. My cis roommate who has been my best friend for about a decade now has to be reminded sometimes that there was life before this.

So yes, it is completely possible to get past what you're feeling and fit into mainstream society. Outside of the internet, I don't have trans friends. I might meet trans people in everyday life, but sharing a medical condition doesn't automatically make us any friendlier than if we shared the same eye color. It's one thing if we have tons of things in common and we both just so happen to also be trans, but it's rare enough that I haven't encountered it.

I also haven't gone looking for it though. I know we have FTM social groups around here. But to be honest, I just see this as a medical condition. It's nice to hear about other people's POV and experiences regarding what I see as treatment for my condition, but beyond that we'd need to have quite a few shared interests for me to make any effort at friendship. All my local friends are cis and they treat me the same as they treat each other.

This probably won't help but the first year is definitely the hardest. Only recently can I start to see a guy in the mirror and not a butch woman/hybrid of a man and woman. During the first year I had many doubts, thinking HRT was pointless and not working. Social media featuring all these buff trans man who looked cis very early on didn't help. They are no way the majority. Pre T I thought T could make me look awful but I'd rather be an ugly guy than an alright looking one not on T. Now I more truly feel that way. My body isn't how I'd like it but it's a huge improvement to a year ago; even though the changes are subtle. Plus I now feel calmer and much less dysphoria which I guess is also making me not hate my body anymore. It's important to remember many cis guys have hips and can be short; what you see on social media is again not the norm. I've seen so many guys out in public who are my height.

I don't think being stealth is something to shun. It's understandable that many trans people have had tough lives before transitioning and now want a break from it. I think an individual should be 100% committed to be an activist rather than doing it because they feel they should.

I'm not very patient but given the process here there's no choice. It's not going to happen overnight and there'll be lots of time to adapt and adjust.

Quote from: Elis on January 13, 2017, 04:32:10 PM
I think an individual should be 100% committed to be an activist rather than doing it because they feel they should.

Also, this. There are plenty of ways to support the trans community (hint: you're doing it right now by participating here!) without being involved in advocacy or activism work. Don't feel like you're pigeonholed into it by nature of being trans.

Quote from: FTMax on January 13, 2017, 04:29:55 PM
I was worried early on that people would always see me as someone in between or constantly bring up that I used to be a girl. 2 years in, and that could not be further from reality. If people ever think about the old me, they never mention it. My cis roommate who has been my best friend for about a decade now has to be reminded sometimes that there was life before this.

So yes, it is completely possible to get past what you're feeling and fit into mainstream society. Outside of the internet, I don't have trans friends. I might meet trans people in everyday life, but sharing a medical condition doesn't automatically make us any friendlier than if we shared the same eye color. It's one thing if we have tons of things in common and we both just so happen to also be trans, but it's rare enough that I haven't encountered it.

I also haven't gone looking for it though. I know we have FTM social groups around here. But to be honest, I just see this as a medical condition. It's nice to hear about other people's POV and experiences regarding what I see as treatment for my condition, but beyond that we'd need to have quite a few shared interests for me to make any effort at friendship. All my local friends are cis and they treat me the same as they treat each other.

most my friends are cis so thats nice to hear in a way because sometimes i feel outcated by saying that.
i like that term more "medical condition" it makes me happier then using a label

Quote from: FTMax on January 13, 2017, 04:38:44 PM
Also, this. There are plenty of ways to support the trans community (hint: you're doing it right now by participating here!) without being involved in advocacy or activism work. Don't feel like you're pigeonholed into it by nature of being trans.

I guess i am sorta feeling like i'm pigeonholed, but i'm not you're correct.
I do my best, i try to help others even though sometimes i don't always got the best answers i do put my heart into it.

As others have said here, it is not a bad thing for wanting for IRL people to not know about your past and simply see you as a "normal" guy. That's an entirely normal feeling for trans people, and it's not terrible. After obsessing over our gender for so long, it'd be nice to have that breath of fresh air

Since I'm not on T yet, I can't give advice or comfort, but I can imagine what you're going through. I can certainly relate to looking at cis men and immediately thinking those things, though. It feels impossible to stop comparing myself to them.

I hope you feel better, especially once you're on T longer.

Quote from: Elis on January 13, 2017, 04:32:10 PM
This probably won't help but the first year is definitely the hardest. Only recently can I start to see a guy in the mirror and not a butch woman/hybrid of a man and woman. During the first year I had many doubts, thinking HRT was pointless and not working. Social media featuring all these buff trans man who looked cis very early on didn't help. They are no way the majority. Pre T I thought T could make me look awful but I'd rather be an ugly guy than an alright looking one not on T. Now I more truly feel that way. My body isn't how I'd like it but it's a huge improvement to a year ago; even though the changes are subtle. Plus I now feel calmer and much less dysphoria which I guess is also making me not hate my body anymore. It's important to remember many cis guys have hips and can be short; what you see on social media is again not the norm. I've seen so many guys out in public who are my height.

I don't think being stealth is something to shun. It's understandable that many trans people have had tough lives before transitioning and now want a break from it. I think an individual should be 100% committed to be an activist rather than doing it because they feel they should.

Yea, so far all i am feeling is calmer but i still have days where i'm unhappy although they are a lot more rare and aren't normally met with as much crazy emotions. And it does help, honest always helps more then lies and words people want to hear instead for me i'd rather hear the truth so i'm ready ahead of time and understand.

Quote from: lc100 on January 13, 2017, 04:54:24 PM
As others have said here, it is not a bad thing for wanting for IRL people to not know about your past and simply see you as a "normal" guy. That's an entirely normal feeling for trans people, and it's not terrible. After obsessing over our gender for so long, it'd be nice to have that breath of fresh air

Since I'm not on T yet, I can't give advice or comfort, but I can imagine what you're going through. I can certainly relate to looking at cis men and immediately thinking those things, though. It feels impossible to stop comparing myself to them.

I hope you feel better, especially once you're on T longer.

I'm sure i'll always have a certain level of other problems but i do hope it gets a little better from here on out even if its only another slight improvement. And thanks, advice is advice i appreciate anything given. You know it's funny you mention obsessing over our genders for so long because i never thought i was obsessing over anything to such a degree i was until looking back then it hit me like a tun of bricks and now yea having a typical life would be great without having to constantly talk about my gender and problems iv'e had along the way, although sometimes i don't mind speaking about them. Sometimes i think about being seen as a normal guy or making friends who don't know i'm not sure how i feel about it completely all i know is that would be a nice moment if that could happen.

Quote from: Kylo on January 13, 2017, 04:38:36 PM
I'm not very patient but given the process here there's no choice. It's not going to happen overnight and there'll be lots of time to adapt and adjust.

I know, and i'm not very good at waiting either.