I am dating a nice, attentive, funny man.  Things have moved fast and we are in an exclusive relationship.  He confided in me that he loves wearing women's panties.  No big deal.  Then he said he likes wearing clothing that constricts...i.e. he will cut off the legs of panty hose and wear the control top only.  Hmmm...no big deal.  Each time he brings his crossdressing up he adds more to his desires.  Now I know he likes wearing thigh highs, garters, heels, girdles.  He is really not into bras.  Okay, this a little more to deal with but I am okay with this but I bought some things for him to wear and let him go through my lingerie and panties drawer (he had one pair of shoes)  So far he has only worn these things when we are in bed.  Now the biggest concern to me...he cannot get an erection.  He loves me to give him oral and rubbing against me.  The ED is more concerning for me as I want a full sex life.  He told me in the past he has been with several men when he was not seeing a woman.  He says a couple of the men were crossdressers ...others were just hook-ups to get sexual relief.  He does not want to be a woman.  He wants to be with a woman...me. But he also wants me to wear a strap-on and take him.  He has brushed off the idea of being bisexual and says he is not gay. (not denying or confirming the bisexuality)  He was molested by an older man when he was a pre-teen. I am totally confused now. I have talked to him about being molested and his bisexual experiences. One night a week ago, we decided to watch a movie-on-demand.  He chose one with a man who was with a transvestite, who had breasts and looked to me to have "butt implants'.  It did nothing for me, in fact it was a turn off. He seemed to be enjoying it but I didn't pay a lot of attentions to see how much.  Even though I didn't say much, I guess he could tell it was not my thing.  He turned it off, saying he had embarrassed himself enough.

We never seem to complete a conversation about these issues.  I think he can only go so far in one conversation so I don't push.  I will continue to talk to him without being pushy. My questions are ...is the ED because he wants to be with a man sexually instead of a woman?  Is he bisexual?  If so, can I trust him to be faithful to me?  As far as the crossdressing...he seems to only be interested in HIM being the one is pretty lingerie.  I love wearing sexy lingerie but the focus is not on me wearing it. I know that these answers will only be found from having a conversation with him. There seems to be many red flags.
 
I guess I am here to see if anyone has had any similar situations with their partner?  I don't want to walk away from this relationship as we are good together in a lot of areas.  I have my own "fetishes" if that is the correct term so I am open minded.   

ccgirl, you asked a lot of questions to which I don't know if anyone but him can really provide answers.  We can certainly relate our own experiences, which may or may not be applicable or useful.  One thing to think about is that we cannot change another person in our lives.  So you may want to think about whether or not you're willing to accept things as they are.  If not, you can still try, but it's ultimately going to be up to him to decide to make changes.

Not wanting to have or finish conversations seems like a pretty red flag to me, but I have never dealt with any sort of childhood trauma.  Perhaps one route is to encourage him to seek counseling or therapy.  If he won't, that tells you where he stands on the relationship project.  Hope things improve for you! 

Erin

Hey ccgirl,

Welcome to Susan's and  thank you for reaching out with care and concern about your man.  I doubt any of us are qualified to diagnose your guys ED.  Medical and psychological impacts may be part of the picture while the ED pills are readily available without prescription.  I might guess this is a deeper issue for both of you and commend you for being so willing to talk about it.  It can feel so very vulnerable yet freeing to tell our often hidden truth and I admire any loving relationship with partners that can be so flexible.

Some of us do maintain relationships, marriage and more with cisgender partners and i suggest it takes effort that only you can determine the value of. 

While they may technically have had bisexual experiences an individuals gender identity and orientation are theirs to own or?

Thank you for your response, Erin.  Just being able to express my concerns here is a relief.   I am a counselor myself (school) and I think he feels very comfortable telling me his secrets. I am non-judgmental and safe.  He went to counselor as few years ago when the perpetrator was arrested 20 years later for the molestation of many young boys.  I am not sure he discussed cross dressing with that counselor and I will talk to him more about that.  He is a wonderful man...and I am a rescuer...ugh.  I do think I can deal with the crossdressing but the need for a full sex life is very important to me.  He keeps saying he will get Viagra...I don't want to keep pushing that because I think he needs to make that step on his own. Whew...writing this down gives me an organization to my thoughts.    

"While they may technically have had bisexual experiences an individuals gender identity and orientation are theirs to own or?"

Thank you, Tessa, for reminding me of this....so true!

The ED issue probably has nothing to do with the cross dressing.  I guess my insecurities are showing when I take that personally.  I believe it is a medical issue and as soon as he gets the blue pill things will change significantly.

ccgirl,

Welcome to the site.

That is very brave of you to come on looking for help and admitting such tough things. It shows a compassion and willingness to do what you can for your relationship. Thanks so much.

I am afraid the other members may well be on the right path.I think perhaps he should seek out a gender therapist to work through what he is thinking and feeling. While on the topic, do you see a therapist? It is a lot for you to take in on your own because it is now your secret too. I would encourage you to find a pro to talk to about it.

I am almost a year into a hormone regiment and so far am still with my wife. I think the key is communication. If you want this relationship to last, you must be able to talk to each other honestly and candidly.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

Joanna,
Thank you for your warm welcome.  I appreciate that you see that I do care very much for this guy.  I want our relationship to work.  He says he has never met a woman that accepts and is non-judgmental regarding his preferences.  Each time we are together I learn a little bit more about him.  Your suggestion that I seek counseling is a great idea.  Ironically I am a counselor but we counselors need help as well. There are so many facets to 'us'...we have only been seeing each other for 3 months and yet he came out to me in the first few weeks of dating.  I admire his courage and honesty.  I truly feel that we are good together.  I am still processing some of what he has told me and with continued communication I hope we will be okay.  It is nice to have this site to come to for support.

Best wishes on your journey!

ccgirl 

HI,
It has been awhile since I have posted/replied to any threads on here. Firstly welcome I read your first post with much interest. I have been in a similar position before and much like yourself I am also very open minded. My suggestion would be to talk to him through a very open honest conversation to find out what he really wants. Only he knows...I know from experience often only little pieces are given at first. Although I am not saying this is the case in your situation.
Caring, love and understanding will guide you both to the right place of complete openness.
good luck on your journey.
Marie - New Zealand.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and wanted to be sure you understood how devastating this is for a child. Orgasm does horrible permanent damage to a little child's brain! They haven't developed the capacity to handle the over stimulation and it blows their mind apart.

It is really common for sexual trauma survivors to have gender and sexual identity problems like ED and relationships are often very hard for them.
The pain is so bad their brain can hide it from them until they are middle aged. It makes it really hard to know if someone is transgender or suffering from the effects of the horrible things that happened to them when they were small.

I am the only girl in my Multiple Personality Disorder System. My primary alter (a guy) was in therapy for TWO years before the doctor's figured out he wasn't transsexual. I am in my 50's and have never been able to make myself have intercourse. I am a girl. He is a guy. We are not trans anything. We are survivors.