Well the last two years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs but mostly downs 

I feel each day that I am getting worse that I wish I did not make a choice to change my life that life was easier before transition. I feel like a zombie each day of my life opening my eyes and just living. While others have it so easy I have to fight for survival fight to not loosen my safety belt of my car and drive of that cliff.

I have my reasons I have a daughter I love her more than anything in this world but it is unbearable living a divorced life where it feels like you became a spectator in your childs life instead of being a parent. I made this choice to transition but sometimes I do regret it. I see men just being men and wonder why could I just not be a man. Why do I put up with this although I pass I still feel empty.

I don't know why I feel the way I do the last two years have been hell I losed the person I loved most. I losed my male self. I lost having my child under my roof I feel like the biggest loser on earth. I even lost my business my cars and my house is being auctioned off. I am so depressed I was thinking of every way to put myself out of my misery while driving home.

I am seeing an new psychiatrist now and a endo they are making meds adjustments I don't know if this can be the reason why I may be feeling this way also. I just don't know anymore I am supposed to fly but instead I am crashing.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It's hardly surprising though; you've had a very tough couple of years.

If it helps at all, you're not alone. I'm going through divorce right now and I'm going to lose my youngest daughter this week: she's chosen to stay with her dad and I'm heartbroken. 

But I've been through so much in my life & have learned a few things:

• It's going to feel worse before it gets better.
• But even if things aren't the same as they used to be, it always gets better.

You may well be clinically depressed, so if your doctor hasn't already put you on anti-depressants, ask for some. If they have, the ask for a different prescription.

You still have your daughter. Even if she's not living with you full-time, she's still here and you still get to see her. She's very young and she won't even remember what's happened over these past 2 years. And as she continues to grow, her relationship with you will mature & in time she will understand exactly what's happened and why it happened. I daresay she'll love you even more for being courageous enough to get to where you are.

You haven't lost your male self, because he wasn't really there. That was an act you put on for other people because you thought it was what you were supposed to do. We all did.

You lost your business, house and car... but these are things you can gradually rebuild in stages. It's difficult to do it right now when you're feeling down, but you will eventually recover the fighting spirit that got you those things in the first place. You can rebuild.

You've also gained your freedom. You weren't free to be yourself or to live life your way when your wife is around, but now you can create your own destiny free from her influence. Your future is yours to create.

It's always darkest before the dawn. But the sun rises every single morning, and someday soon you'll be ready to notice it again.

Sterkte.

Like he said, hardly suprising. I have read a few of your things. The father who just doesnt care, your ex who tried to make things harder ect. You are feeling a lot of losses, but please please please remember you started to explore your self for a reason. The old life wasnt working for you

*hug*

The gentleman that answered you so fully first got it all exactly right, hun..

I can't think of anything else to add except that I went through all the same losses, except I had no children in the first place, since my parents had me sterilized as an infant, but yes, even now, I still re-think the cost of being true to my inner self, and it was very high. VERY, very high...

But, as the lady that answered you next mentioned, there were REALLY good reasons why staying in 'male mode' was not an option. I was far more suicidal pretending to be a man. Five years after taking my first E tablet, the idea of suicide occurs maybe once every 3 months, and it passes within moments. Before E, and the decision to risk it all for happiness, I felt the urge to hurt myself every single day, and I had been feeling that way since I was a small child.

I cannot step into your mind and see what you are seeing, nor can I lift the burdens and challenges from your shoulders, but I can tell you that I understand, and I have been there, and that eventually, it will work out, you will get past the obstacles before you, and you will find your way toward that which you truly need. This I can say with 100% certainty. It will get better, it really will, so hang on, do the work, stay in touch and open with your medical team, and know, for sure, that there are others that hear you, and support you, and care about you. We are all in this together, you matter, and we want you on the planet with us, you are irreplaceable!

I hope you feel better soon, I really do!

MissyG

I sympathize as I lost the love of my life too. For 37 years I wondered why. I thought it was because I was working so much. I blamed her for having an affair. Problem is she caught me crossdressing. Not physically but she found my stash of clothes and makeup. Thirty seven years later I find out I am really transgender and that is the reason for her feeling of being ignored. At least you have an inkling. I spent all these years thinking I was perverted because that's what we were assumed to be. So I never brought it up again, although I continued to dress almost every day. Before I started HRT 5 months ago I confessed again. I promised to go to therapy. I had been many times before but could never reveal my secret. Yes I am an expert at mindfulness. I finally decided to open up to someone. This time I met with a gender therapist. When I came out to my kids, they were very understanding. My Son, saying I just had to be myself. My wife still practices out of sight out of mind although she can't ignore the changes in my physic. She seems to love me in spite of myself, and I am grateful. And blessed. What I have found is the true love of my life.  What I have found out subsequently, is that I was predestined at birth to be transgender.

Thanks for all the kind words yes suicidal thoughts is a daily pattern for me. I think it is because I feel that being dead would be better than living out a life that feels the way it does. But unfortunately I can't go that rout if I did not have a daughter and a boyfriend that would have been hurt in the process I would defenetly have ended it.But they give me reason to live this hell each day even though I cry each day I survive.

Quote from: Amoré on January 17, 2017, 12:28:43 AM
Thanks for all the kind words yes suicidal thoughts is a daily pattern for me. I think it is because I feel that being dead would be better than living out a life that feels the way it does. But unfortunately I can't go that rout if I did not have a daughter and a boyfriend that would have been hurt in the process I would defenetly have ended it.But they give me reason to live this hell each day even though I cry each day I survive.

Hun, I hear you! But as bad as you may feel now, the day will come when the sun will truly rise again, and joy will fill your head and heart, it is true, it really is...

The more I read of your feelings, the more like clinical depression it sounds. May I suggest that if you haven't already, that you talk to your therapist about looking into the possibility that you are not just down from the pressures of your transition, but that you may have clinical depression also?

Even people with little or no challenges get clinical depression, it is a brain chemistry imbalance, and there are a lot of really effective treatment options available these days.

I hate to think you are suffering needlessly, I have been there, done that, and it really takes a toll, ya know?

A big cyber-(HUG) for you, and a ton of warm, positive vibes coming your way, too!!

:-) MissyG

Quote from: MissGendered on January 17, 2017, 12:43:00 AM
Hun, I hear you! But as bad as you may feel now, the day will come when the sun will truly rise again, and joy will fill your head and heart, it is true, it really is...

The more I read of your feelings, the more like clinical depression it sounds. May I suggest that if you haven't already, that you talk to your therapist about looking into the possibility that you are not just down from the pressures of your transition, but that you may have clinical depression also?

Even people with little or no challenges get clinical depression, it is a brain chemistry imbalance, and there are a lot of really effective treatment options available these days.

I hate to think you are suffering needlessly, I have been there, done that, and it really takes a toll, ya know?

A big cyber-(HUG) for you, and a ton of warm, positive vibes coming your way, too!!

:-) MissyG

Hi MissyG

I am seeing a therapist for depression meds and have been on them for the last 2 years they changed them a couple of times to try and find the correct one's but none of them seems to work. I have been to the doc again last week and she has me on new ones and phasing out the old ones with meds for the heavy anxiety attacks that I have been getting. I had two major anxiety attacks in the last two weeks and it is starting to threaten my work and my boyfriend is stressed out.

If it can't help any better my ex that is primary care taker of my child also blocked me on all communication even though I bought my child a tablet to communicate with her on because of this reason. I keep on rehashing the past feeling guilty for transitioning feeling that everything that went wrong is my fault. I wish sometimes I did not transition and wish it all is a bad dream I know I can't have my life any other way but I sure wish I could. Stuff like this is causing me massive depression and anxiety and I feel if I am in a black hole each day of my life

Quote from: Amoré on January 17, 2017, 01:20:30 AM
Hi MissyG

I am seeing a therapist for depression meds and have been on them for the last 2 years they changed them a couple of times to try and find the correct one's but none of them seems to work. I have been to the doc again last week and she has me on new ones and phasing out the old ones with meds for the heavy anxiety attacks that I have been getting. I had two major anxiety attacks in the last two weeks and it is starting to threaten my work and my boyfriend is stressed out.

If it can't help any better my ex that is primary care taker of my child also blocked me on all communication even though I bought my child a tablet to communicate with her on because of this reason. I keep on rehashing the past feeling guilty for transitioning feeling that everything that went wrong is my fault. I wish sometimes I did not transition and wish it all is a bad dream I know I can't have my life any other way but I sure wish I could. Stuff like this is causing me massive depression and anxiety and I feel if I am in a black hole each day of my life

Wow, you do have a lot of stuff going on that would make anybody sad, trans or not. I am so sorry about the black hole feeling, I know how that feels, ugh!

But you are not at fault, hun. That is a fact, you underwent medical treatment for a condition that needed to be dealt with, a condition you did not cause. It sucks that our worlds collapse so often when we make the changes we need, gosh, that's a fact, too.

I know that when I was on meds the switch over times were the worst, so hopefully you will get more relief once your new meds kick in. Mine pooped out a lot when I was on them, and I tried a lot before I found a combo that was effective for a long time.

I also got depressed from medroxyprogesterone when my endo put me on it, it is a synthetic progesterone, but a switch to bio-identical progesterone cleared that up.

If I had a child I would go off the edge if she was kept from me, so wow, I know that must be hard, I am so sorry!

I guess all I really have for you is my support and goodwill, I wish I had answers, sorry...

*hug*

MissyG

Thank you for the good words at this stage I just feel I want to go to bed and hide from the world because I am so tired of it. I do see my daughter at least so I can't complain on that but you know how it works the ex is the gate keeper. If she gets a bad day you have a bad day.

I recently got very depressed because of the loss of time spend with my daughter. Missing putting her to bed getting that good night kiss and hug. Dropping her off at school. You know all that little things that makes you feel like the most special person in the world. I mentioned this to my ex and she blocked me. I guess she could not take living with her own guilt.

I at least got a second chance I don't want to screw it up but nothing feels the same. It threw over the apple cart for me my divorce and all. I hate being divorced it is the most horrible thing that I ever had to go through in my entire life. But not only that it never ends you will always be divorced after that and carry that label.

I get it. Even though my ex became increasingly violent and verbally abusive with me as I feminized, losing that relationship was by far the thing I regretted the most. I never married her, but by the time she was gone we had been together 18 years. My parents sterilized me as a baby, so I never had kids, and I feel that loss very deeply, too. All the rest was just 'stuff'.

A big cyber-hug for you, and hopefully we can both get a good night's sleep.

((HUG))

Hang in there, doll, you are worth it, you truly are!

Missy

Quote from: MissGendered on January 17, 2017, 02:44:43 AM
I get it. Even though my ex became increasingly violent and verbally abusive with me as I feminized, losing that relationship was by far the thing I regretted the most. I never married her, but by the time she was gone we had been together 18 years. My parents sterilized me as a baby, so I never had kids, and I feel that loss very deeply, too. All the rest was just 'stuff'.

A gig cyber-hug for you, and hopefully we can both get a good night's sleep.

((HUG))

Hang in there, doll, you are worth it, you truly are!

Missy

Thank you Missy, I am so sorry your parents sterilized you. Thank you for the kind words believe me I can't wait for sleeping time unfortunately it is 11am here in South Africa and these new meds is hitting me hard.

Believe it or not, I'm about to be in an even worse situation with my youngest because she's a teenager. You're actually in a much stronger position because your daughter is so young.

Under South African law you have joint guardianship of your daughter even if you're divorced. So your ex-wife is most likely breaking the law by blocking contact with you, and she'd definitely be breaking the law if she tried to make it difficult for you to see your daughter. The Children's Act is very clear about your daughter's right to have a relationship with you and if your ex is obstructing that then the courts will come down on her like a ton of bricks. We're talking about a fine or imprisonment of up to a year if she refuses to give you reasonable access your daughter (Children's Act 38 of 2005, Section 35).

You don't have to do this alone and you're in a stronger position than you might think, so don't waste your time with doing this sort of thing:

Quote from: Amoré on January 17, 2017, 02:37:37 AM
I recently got very depressed because of the loss of time spend with my daughter. ... I mentioned this to my ex and she blocked me.

Your ex is not on your side any more: she hasn't been for several years. Telling her how upset it makes you feel probably makes her feel more powerful and gives her yet another opportunity to hurt you. I wouldn't be surprised to find that she's glad to hear it's hurting you. 

If my memory serves, your wife sued for divorce when you came out as trans and you just signed the papers to get it over & done with, right? Clearly she sued for primary custody and you let her have it at the time. Well, you can always go back to court and improve your situation.

When married parents get divorced, it is not up to either parent to decide how much time the other parent can spend with the kid or when they can contact them: that's up to the court, which must always act in the best interests of the kids rather than either one of you.

The default assumption is that it is in your daughter's best interests to have a good relationship with both of her parents, so your ex has to play ball and not get in your way unnecessarily. It's not up to her how much time you should spend with your daughter, or who should drop her off at school etc. Instead, contact your lawyer & tell them you want more access to your daughter. Ask how you can go about that. And then let the lawyers fight it out between themselves.

You should only involve your ex in these things if she's reasonable and will work with you. She isn't reasonable and has been actively working against you, so don't waste any more time telling her how the situation making you feel. Instead, assert your rights & claim what is rightfully yours. But first, in the interests of good relations, tell your ex (preferably in writing) that you intend to enforce your rights of access to your daughter and that if she blocks you or prevents you in any way from contacting or seeing your daughter, you'll be getting the lawyers involved and will claim the costs of any legal action from her. Make her pay for her own shenanigans.

I've heard it said - and I firmly believe - that depression is often anger turned inwards. We get so angry & frustrated at the unfair way the world has treated us, but because we feel powerless to change our fate that anger has to go somewhere... so we internalise it & become depressed. The best way to fix that is to turn that anger outwards so it doesn't hurt you any more. So as soon as you can, please stand up for yourself & fight for what's important to you. Get your lawyers to push that anger back on the woman who treated you so very badly when you came out.

Quote from: Amoré on January 17, 2017, 02:54:48 AM
Thank you Missy, I am so sorry your parents sterilized you.

Thank you, Amoré...

They had a chance to stop the madness before they destroyed my uterus and ovaries, but they pressed onward anyway.

Forgiveness is a hard thing, but I have forgiven most everything they did. But having my birthright to bear my own children taken from me, for whatever reason, is something I just cannot see myself ever getting over. To my mind, they committed genocide as well as mutilation on my body. Forgiveness? No. Releasing my anger back into the universe, yes, of course, I cannot bear to be bitter. But I will never pardon their choices, not in a million years. They killed all my eggs, my children, my grandchildren, and all future descendants. They obliterated me from future humanity. Let them rot.

Missy

My heart goes out to you I can't imagine what it must be like for you. The way lifes gets destroyed by transitioning is astonishing and we have to start all over again and learn to live in a new gender with parts of our old life washing through.