I sit back and assess my situation. I have the most amazing family. A wife that treats me better then one can ask for and is my best friend. I have the most beautiful and well behaved kids.  I have reached the peak of my profession. I have all the toys and brand new house. Quiet literally the perfect life.  That's no sugar coating that's fact. But of course like I'm sure we have all heard a million times before if I continue my transition I guarantee I will blow all this up and will be left with almost nothing. So my question is how is this even an option. Every step I make is closer to ending everything. I know every negative result of my transitioning yet I can't stop? Tops two months before it all comes crashing down and I'll be left with the ashes of the burning wreck I will have made.  Logically the choice is to stop yet I can't. Am I crazy? How is continuing even a thing?

Yeah, that's the rub, right? How on earth could anybody ever want to risk a lifetime of investments in people, relationships, family, profession, possessions, and more, just to be the 'other' gender, or 'another' gender..

And yet, it happens a lot. A whole lot..

Why? Well, deep inside yourself, I think you know why, right?

Because, as sweet as all those things may be, they are not enough to satisfy the urge to be authentic...

So, we risk it. We eventually gather the courage, and we cannot help ourselves, we risk it all...

Yup this is the thread.  I'm in the same boat.  I can list lots of reasons I shouldn't transition, with wife and kids at the top but I can only think of one reason to do it.  It will stop the constant nagging in my brain that tells me this isn't right.

My therapist for some time has been telling me that the only relief will be a complete transition but I look at all the possible repercussions and it just kills me.

If you figure it out, please let me know.  I've been fighting with this for a long time and quite frankly the only thing I've determine is that I'm very tired.

Take care,
Paige

Quote from: Paige on January 16, 2017, 10:41:02 PM
I've been fighting with this for a long time and quite frankly the only thing I've determine is that I'm very tired.

Take care,
Paige

If it helps, let me say something here: I lost everything, including that tireless tiredness from constantly pounding that damn square peg into that damn round hole.

That broken glass and jagged metal feeling inside my brain left me as soon as I was on estrogen.

Yes, I lost everything, and I had the 'justification' of having been a mis-gendered XX female on my side. It didn't matter, the reason we lose everything is NOT about being trans, nor intersex, it is because we lose that which just does not fit into our real truth once we are as we should be.

Was all the loss worth the peace of mind I gained?

Yes.

Do I wish things could have been easier, less costly, less painful?

Oh, my, yesss...

Would I do it all over again, knowing what I know now?

I would do it faster, with no hesitation, and with even more conviction, my goodness, YES!

Of course, this is just me talking, we all have different lives, and experiences, perspectives, and priorities.

Losing it all saved me having to discard a lot of things manually later down the road. I now see the purge imposed on me as a blessing in disguise. I am now free to be me without hindrance.

Be glad we live in the 21st Century. We have options, we have hope, we have each other.

Good luck, and godspeed!

MissyG

I know. It's tough. The privileges of going along and getting along with social norms are tempting and multitudinous.  I was thinking just today how easy it would be just to go back to passing as "just another normal guy."  How much easier my life would be.  How I could just close my eyes, go back to sleep and bathe is the comfortable waters of Lethe.  But at the same time I know that this will NOT just go away.  Most days are better than others but the things we go thru. The struggles we have to endure. It's hard.

But I'm at the point now where I just can't not know what I know.  Denial is no longer an option for me.

Quote from: MissGendered on January 16, 2017, 11:07:47 PM
Would I do it all over again, knowing what I know now?

I would do it faster, with no hesitation, and with even more conviction, my goodness, YES!

I agree with this statement 100%.  You never know what you will lose, but you also do not know what you will gain until you walk through the door.

-Sarah

I think I already mentioned a few times that my friends often compared me to Spock because I was so emotionless and logical to them. As an engineer I have to be able to use logic and I use(d) it many times to push my feelings aside and just concentrate on work and getting better at what I do.
And while I do enjoy my work and it can give me great satisfaction when I crack a problem, something is still missing to be completely happy.
I used my great powers of logic to deduct that if sometimes I almost tear up when somebody calls me sir, it might mean that I do not feel comfortable with it.
And following that logic, if you are not feeling comfortable in your own skin and you have to play a part to meet expectations, you will be slowly drained of any happiness life can bring you. That will not be good for you, or your family.

Don't be led astray by the gender binary.  There is plenty of middle ground between the genders.  The list of things you can do to reduce the dysphoria, yet remain outwardly male is much too long to post here.

I've spent decades pretending to be male.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending to be female.

What nature's done to us isn't logical. It's accidental. Neither is what society thinks entirely logical.

The solution isn't necessarily clear cut either.

To my mind there's no point in living and being self aware if you aren't going to live the way you want to. It's the same sort of thing.

10 years ago, same thing for me.
I was VP of a large investment company, six figure income, retirement plan, wife, daughter, big house and a cottage. But was I happy? No, I was suffering inside, but didn't know why.
One day it all came to a head over a silly argument with my ex. I sort of half joked one day I'll leave. She dared me, I put the keys on the counter that second and walked out.
Six months later, following therapy, I discovered who I was and what I needed to do.
Coming out to my ex was hard. The divorce, well, I gave her the house, my retirement plan....everything so I could walk away without needing to make child or spousal support. She took the deal. I quit my job as well as being trans in a global investment firm would be tough for me to transition in.
10 years later, my life is rebuilt. I have another house, remarried, and loving life.
I haven't seen my daughter since 2008, and miss her dearly. My ex doesn't want to expose me to her...but I hold out hope one day I'll see her.
I had to do this, as hard as it was for my sanity.
I have no regrets.

I can only speak for myself, but it is not logic that drives me - it's necessity. I risked my marriage by coming out to my wife, but I know now that it was really the only way to save it. I was devolving into depression by not acknowledging my need to transition. I told my wife that I was willing to ignore my need to transition to prevent the upheaval in our lives. She knew that that wasn't an option - a relationship that would perpetuate a lie. I've been lucky beyond words for her support and can only imagine the gutted feeling that one must feel when that support isn't forthcoming. As it is, I'm torpedoing the last five years of my career instead of enduring transitioning in a trans-toxic workplace. I draw the line at putting up with that. Everyone has their limits, and that would be beyond mine. Is it logical, no. Is it necessary, yes. And, finally, I've come to realize it.

Nina the thought of you losing your daughter actually made me tear up. That to me is the ultimate sacrifice. Stuff I know can be replaced but my kids are everything to me.

Kristinagl,
I can only add my personal experience for you. Like you, life, family, job, and relationships have prevented me from a full transition. My kids, and grandkids are my life and to hurt them in anyway would be unbearable, more so than enduring and living as I do. I came out to myself and accepted myself as trans almost three years ago, two years ago I came out to my wife with the two of us almost separating because of it. We managed to put it behind us with the subject not being discussed but was always in the background. Ten months ago with the dysphoria increasing I finally seen a therapist and my doctor. The therapist confirmed what I already knew, that yes indeed I was trans, the doctor not so much but that is a story for another time. Proceeding forward I was accidentally outed by a phone call from an unknown source, and there it was again in front of my wife. At this time I knew it was not going to go away and needed to be addressed and answered. I can thankfully say that we are still together. The fact that I had taken the step of seeing a therapist about it was helpful to her, the fact that I was in the process of seeing another therapist because of the problem with my original doctor was even more beneficial to our relationship. She has now fully accepted the fact that I am trans and was supportive of my starting low dosage HRT. I am now in my 5th month of HRT and it has been a welcome change in my mental and physical well being. My promise to her was that I would not fully transition but continue to present as everyone has always known me. My initial worries were that once on HRT I would want to completely transition, there are some moments on occasion when I wonder what it would be like but then reality and logic take over and I can live with that. Some of the things that help is wearing women's clothing that does not out me, jeans, slacks, tops, etc. The small physical changes that are occurring are also helpful in aligning body and mind. I only offer you these thoughts in some way of hopefully showing you a possible way of being able to give yourself an acceptance of who you are and maintain what you have. Take care

Quote from: Kristinagl on January 17, 2017, 10:17:55 AM
Nina the thought of you losing your daughter actually made me tear up. That to me is the ultimate sacrifice. Stuff I know can be replaced but my kids are everything to me.

Thank you Kristina.
The hardest part is not knowing what my ex has told my daughter. We adopted her from China in 2003, so she was quite young whe the poop hit the fan. Often I think I was selfish for transitioning, but is it not better to live your life without guilt?
I pray often hoping one day I'll see her. For now, I'm comforted by the memories  and know one day I'll see her.

I so appreciate the thoughtful responses here and can only echo that sense of  "I would do it faster, with no hesitation, and with even more conviction, my goodness, YES!"

I also point out that we cannot know the future with absolute certainty and many people may surprise you with how accepting and supportive they can be.  My fears were magnified in isolation and I was also sure i would lose everything and probably have to move away. 

My story took a 180 degree turn as I found significant support, regained my life and (some sanity and stayed right here.  Those folks who are repulsed and rejecting often do us a favor by revealing their true selves as well.

Illogical yes, necessary for you, your call!

Kristina, I am exactly at the same point as you are now, questioning everything in my life and the price to pay (surely, thinking the worst case scenario), and even planning to start over in case I decide to move along with the transition and as soon as I drop the G-bomb as I call it

But then again, I think about everything I will leave behind... specially my amazing wife, and I know that even if I transition, doing it alone without her would not make any sense as well... so here is the dilemma... does it sound familiar to you?

I agree with Denni that searching a therapist will at least show anyone that comes to know it that it is not something futile and not something coming from an ill mind. Maybe eventually you start working with your therapist in the best possible way of outing it to the people you need in the less damaging way possible, if there ever is.

Today I sent an email to my potential therapist in the local LGBT centre to kick off the discussion. I will finally be able to discuss this topic with someone after 35 years. This alone, if giving me a lot of relief and I look forward to better times.

I really wish that you (and me) find a good path and retain as much as possible of what it dear.

In many ways the decision to transition is not logical.  As you said, you will very likely lose everything.  And if not everything, you will certainly lose some things that absolutely cannot be replaced (such as your relationship with family).

While it may not be a rational decision, hold on to those parts of your mind as much as you can.  For if and when you decide to begin your change, you will need as much logic and rational thinking as you can muster to execute a smooth and successful transition.

Ty for your responses. I wasn't expecting answers just insite as I was venting in a bad place last night. I know I'm fully going through with my transition. Deserve to be happy and anybody that stops me doesn't want what is physically best for me and imo it's unfair to ask someone not to and have them suffer for the rest of there life. I know my wife will support my transition but not want to remain married. And I think that's fair. She never asked for this life and I can't hold that against her. I'm sure my kids will be supporting.  Their kids and kids are generally awesome like that. As for work and financially speaking that I have no choice but to blow that up. But what ever. But honestly if it all goes side ways at least I tried and all you can do is pick your self up and make the best out of the situation

I once heard, "Prepare to lose everything.  If you can bear that, you are ready to transition."

While I understood the message, I was clueless as to how that might turn out.  I reasoned that those who REALLY knew me would eventually stand by me.  I reasoned the people who appeared to stand by me at work would continue to do so.  I reasoned that I had worked hard to establish a stellar reputation with family and friends and that would mean more than my physical presence.  I reasoned that after 23 years of being a good husband and a better father my family would never abandon me.

I was wrong on all accounts.

What I learned from this is to listen to your inner soul.  If you can't pull the trigger it's because deep down you know the gun will be aimed at you.  If you think things may go south, it's because they probably will.

No one knows our life better than we do.  Going online and asking for advice that flies in the face of what our gut instinct tells us provides nothing valuable.  It's like searching the Internet to find something that proves us right.  It doesn't mean we are right, it only means there is someone who agrees with us. 

You know what the logical choice is.  No one here can tell you what that is.  Follow your heart.  Listen to your gut.  Then decide if you're really ready to transition.

I've heard that.  Heck, I was PROMISED that by my dear ex-wife.

I had to be myself, after all this time.

I thought that anyone who didn't stand by me through this wasn't that great a friend.  I thought that, at the end of it all, I might make new friends, friends who knew only the real me, friends of ME, not my male persona.

I was right.

I lost many friends.  I kept a few.  I lost family.  I found family.  And, most important, I have made new friends, as myself!  People who like me as ME, not some false front.

We have to let go of our old selves, the protective shell of identity that we hid behind.  When we lose that shell, we lose all that is attached to it.  But, we are now free, open and ourselves, and can make new attachments.

It is worth it.


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