Hi Everyone,

My therapist and I have decided it is time for me to come out to my wife. She is very religious and homophobic. (at least she acts that way, who knows in the end right?)

Has any MtF girl out there successfully done this without losing their wife? Anyone end up her wife too?

I fear this will destroy her, and I love her so much... but my transition is happening, and there is no going back now.

Anyone with thoughts and advice.. please help!

Hugs,
Kimberly

Hi, Kimberly.  There are several folks here who came out to their wives and are still married.  (And some who aren't.)

My wife is neither religious nor homophobic, so perhaps my experience is not very relevant.  I had a great deal of fear before I came out to her, and I was prepared to hear her say that she was leaving me.  But she didn't.  Instead, she said that she'd support me, and she meant it.

Good luck!  You've got to do what you've got to do.

It's funny, not ha ha funny, that being trans can some way be connect to homophobia. My ex wife assumed I was gay as well. Most women just don't understand how the man they married has these feelings. I think diffusing right off that bat that you love her, and have zero interest in men.

Only thing you can do is first to address her feelings, don't make this about you. Recommending couples therapy might be an option down the road.


Good luck!

Hi Kimberly,

I am now going through a very similar situation. I have come out to my wife, friends and family and although we are having "good" days and "bad" days and always said that we would stay together until our kids left the home no matter what, we are still seeking at least separation and probably divorce.
No matter how she feels about me and my transition and if she has times when she is distraught, I let her know that I understand how difficult it must be for her and that I still love her. As long as you let her know that YOU understand that she may be going through any combination of confusion, frustration, anger, depression or any other range of emotions and that you still love her, it is important for you to say so. For both of your benefits. Maybe this will help.
~Trystlynn

Kimberly, I am out to my wife and so far we are still married. However, it remains to be seen if that continues because she has very specific limits she's set.  That said, don't spend a lot of time worrying about your wife's background and how she'll take it, chances are she'll surprise you (either good or bad).  But the fact of the matter is you can't control that either way.  All you can do is be the best person you can be and that begins with being honest with your wife.

My wife surprised me.  She has always held very liberal views on LGBT issues.  She was very accepting when our oldest came out to us as bi-sexual and then later as non-binary. She also has some bi-sexual "tendencies" (her word) as well.  So when I came out to her as non-binary, I didn't expect to be easy but figured she'd be able to accept it and might even be relieved to have an explanation for why I have some of the feelings I do.  Instead, her reaction to me was the opposite of everything she's ever preached or shown to our child.

I know other Trans people who assumed their marriage would be over when they came out.  In fact one trans-woman I know had already lined up a divorce lawyer. Their spouses surprised them by being super accepting and supportive.

My point is you don't know what will happen until you do it, and you can't control what will happen so don't try.  All I can suggest is that when you're ready, you show the integrity to be honest with the person you swore to love until death do you part and let the chips fall where they may.

Hi Kimberley!

As the others have indicated, it is hard to know what will happen when you tell your wife that you are not the person she thought you were.

All I can do is echo the sentiments that honesty is the best policy, and to keep assuring her that you love her. Be patient, and try to let her express all the things she feels, no matter how much her words may hurt you. In the end, she may be okay, she might not, but that will be for her to decide.

My ex was very liberal and supposedly very accepting, but since I called her my ex, I guess you can guess that things didn't go as well as I had hoped.

Still, I did the best I could by her, all things considered.

Many safe cyber hugs for you, and lots of positivity for you and your family..

Good luck!

Missy

Thanks to everyone! I appreciate all the insights from everyone who has been through that most terribly frightening door that it is now my turn to pass through. Even though it may not work out, I can see how all of you ladies have been through this and made it.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement!
Kimberly

Before I came out I was trying to torpedo my marriage to avoid it, my wife wouldn't have it and dragged my being transgender out of me,to my surprise she has stayed with me and is my biggest supporter.

Quote from: kimberlymorganmia on January 18, 2017, 02:47:28 PM
Hi Everyone,

My therapist and I have decided it is time for me to come out to my wife. She is very religious and homophobic. (at least she acts that way, who knows in the end right?)

Has any MtF girl out there successfully done this without losing their wife? Anyone end up her wife too?

I fear this will destroy her, and I love her so much... but my transition is happening, and there is no going back now.

Anyone with thoughts and advice.. please help!

Hugs,
Kimberly

Sounds like may need to let go of your past life and start a totally new life.  You will need to focus on how to communicate your desire to live life as a woman to your wife in the simplest terms and then just come out with it.  If life as a woman is what you truly want, then you will also need to accept what ever action your wife brings on. At that point, you need to focus on yourself and your well-being.