Mental ick, that is.  For those of you who didn't see a post a few days ago, I had a wonderful weekend.  I went out as Victoria two nights in a row, with friends and in public.  I was asked to dance by a cute guy, and even the name Victoria was settled on out of the blue.  The last couple days have been good, but this morning was a beast.  I was doing my makeup (I still present as male, but wear full makeup).  I was rushed for time, hadn't slept well, and didn't realize how hungry I was...but I started to call myself ugly names and hated the way I looked.  I really put myself down, and then I had to throw clothes on and fly out the door.  Just before getting to work, I just started screaming.  Then later I was going through some photos on my phone and got to a recent Victoria selfie.  It hit me that I loved being out this weekend as the real me, but now I dislike the current me even more than I already did.

It's funny, I never thought I had felt what is called gender dysphoria.  I mean, I have always hated my body, am constantly analyzing myself, and have cyclical anxiety to boot.  Even after starting the process of exploring Victoria, I didn't necessarily feel anti-birth gender.  But now that I've enjoyed being the real me, to the point that I tingled with excitement as I drove to meet up with friends last Friday, I am hit with the GD.  And I feel I need to get used to this for a while, as I'm still waiting to start therapy, and then am going to wait a few months after that to start Spiro, let alone waiting even longer for Estrogen.

I suppose the positive in all this is that I've been questioning and doubting my being trans.  This really helps to show me just how much I am.

Sorry to hear about the mental ick that you're dealing with.  I think many of us here probably know the feeling to some degree. Personally, each step I take toward being more of my feminine self, the more being male becomes harder and harder to deal with.

I can't really say anything that will magically make it better or give you the keys to eliminate the Dysphoria while you progress to your transition.  In part because I'm dealing with the same. All I can tell you is there will be good and bad days and it's ok for things to be messy during the process.  Just keep working through it, you'll get to a place where you're much happier and at peace. 

The ick is familiar.  When I started dressing more often and spending time out as myself, I quickly learned that my fears about presenting were unfounded, and I could pretty much do anything as myself.

I was initially presenting as myself out of the house just to go to therapy.  I started combining shopping trips with therapy sessions.  I'd go out to lunch.  Anything to stretch the time as myself.

When I got home and had to change to male presentation, it was depressing.  As my therapist had warned me, it got worse over time.  I'd get home, cross-dress male, go into my office, shut the door, and cry  for a half-hour or so.

Starting HRT relieved a good bit of this distress for me, for what that's worth.  However, five months later I was full time and on my own.


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Maybe you didn't know what dysphoria was until you felt gender euphoria as Victoria. Nice name, btw.

I totally understand that feeling. When I have put on my man clothes and go to work I feel awful. My mood drops significantly. At home I am myself. At least that's a relief for me.

I felt like this today sometimes it just creeps up on you,huh?
All I can say that there is always a light at end of the tunnel.
I'm ftm but I relate so much!

I agree Victoria is a lovely name! did you know it means victorious


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Thank you all for your words, they have certainly helped.  This bout of "ick" was simply a 24 hour mental virus, though I know it is only one of many to come.  I have to remind myself that I am still in the early stage of a long journey, but one that is fruitful, healing, and ultimately leading me to the true me. 

And I'm glad y'all like Victoria!  I do know that the name means "victorious," which I love.  As opposed to feeling that I am trying to reach the other side of this, I want to enjoy this journey as it brings me ever closer to fully becoming Victoria.  I will only experience this once, so I want to savor it as I discover new and familiar elements of me the whole way there.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on January 20, 2017, 06:25:23 AM
Maybe you didn't know what dysphoria was until you felt gender euphoria as Victoria. Nice name, btw.

Ohh, I love this.  It makes absolute sense.  One cannot know heartache unless one has known joy.  This bolsters my understanding that I am not only transitioning, but that it doesn't matter what I think I am now.  I am already she, it's just a matter of catching my physical self up to everything else

Hi Victoria!

That ick is really icky, huh?

Lawdy, lawdy, I know that feeling, but hang on, it will get worse, but then, at some point, it will start to get less and less...

HRT was an amazing boost and cut it in half, if not more...

Getting my parts straightened out eliminated most of the rest..

I have bad moments relating to my face sometimes still, but gender dysphoria as I once knew it, is gone. And once my face is done, the little bit of dysphoria that still remains, will go away, too..

Yeah, transition is a long process, for sure, but for those that require it, the results are usually quite liberating...

Hang in there, sweetie!

Missy