So with some more recent news, Im on the waiting list to see the gender identity services in the UK, with nearly 2 years to go before I see anyone. I've felt a massive relief knowing that there is some help in the future, and I've become significantly more focused on getting myself as healthy and prepared for my life going forward now Im out of study and working full time.

Thing is, I've come to meet new people in my life who are transsexual, both ftm and mtf, whove gone through hormones, surgery, the full ordeal, and I can't identity with the intense levels of dysphoria they describe to me, even though I do have problems with my body. Ive made massive strides in weight loss and my appearance becoming more androgynous (though still somewhat muscular and broad shouldered) but knowing Im on the road to help, it's become bareable, even to the point now I dont know if I NEED to take hormones, get any operations or if I can be non-op as long as I am loved and accepted by those close to me and allowed to be myself.

I sometimes find knowing this and having others trans people in my life, I do have periods where I doubt my trans status because Im higher functioning now than I've ever been. Yes I still tuck my genitals away so I dont ever see them in the bath or shower, but I barely even get upset now if stubble starts showing on my face. I still look at girls and feel jealous, I still think about how I want breasts and a feminine body shape, but I cant identify with this adamence that my life depends upon transitioning anymore.

I still dont feel Im cisgendered, I quietly keep this to myself in new crowds and in new social circles, and nobody knows I wear womens clothing and make up the second I get chance and it helps me feel relaxed. I dont want to come off as a drag queen or a crossdresser who misuses terminology like trans or queer in my social circles, and yet part of me feels I may not be in any position to claim trans status when there are people with more severe dysphoria than my own. My trans friends definitely think I'm somewhere on the trans spectrum.

Dear Goddess a 2 year waiting list!!

I'm so sorry.

Being TG doesn't go away and yes we have coping mechanisms, I coped for 50 odd years. But then I did transition.

What is the before and after?

Before: Sure I was a bit like you, coping, admiring, wishing, hiding the junk from the mirror and dealing with it. Humans have an incredible ability to survive at any cost.

After: Happy, content, sociable and friendly never even think about gender (unless I'm working here)  but certainly not my gender. Yes I still admire another woman's clothes but only because I think I may like that style etc. Talk to my female friends about everything. Oh everything!

As for the mirrors and the shower, well now I may lay down in a bath and watch my boobs sort of float I have long showers and the mirrors are no longer hidden.

Yes transitioning has its moments but to be honest it was pretty easy compared to some things in life.

Yes you do need a counsellor and a good one but they help a lot (in my experience).

That waiting list is nuts. Can you go Private in the UK?

You can if you got the money.
(I don't )

I'm on the same waiting list so I feel you on that. They're so understaffed. They've seen a big rise in referrals as transgender has become more accepted.

You're putting pressure on yourself super early. You gotta relax! Neither of us have ever been to a gender clinic before, so all we can do is go in with an open mind. My attitude is I'm going to tell my story and trust to their expertise. If HRT is the way forward or not, we can take solace in it coming from a place of mutual discussion and reason.

I found that as I started to accept myself more and was able to present as I wanted too then I had a lot more days when the dysphoria was bearable and almost something I could cope with. But then without notice I'd be triggered by something and knew I definitely needed to transition. Even though many trans people can cope with dysphoria that's not really living; after awhile the dysphoria will find you again.

Btw; I'm also in the UK and you can choose any GIC you want; it doesn't have to be the one closest to you. There are one or two with very slightly less waiting times. Theres also technically no law which says a GP can't prescrible you HRT. This may be useful in finding trans friendly GPs http://transfigurations.org.uk/trans-friendly-doctors/

I decided to take on the Trans-Beast almost 8 years ago now. One of my first steps was finding a nearby(ish) TG support group. Like you, I have often felt out of place that my GD was no where near intense of some of the others. For me it just ruined my life, my soul.

During meetings when I hear their stories, a life in chaos, even exploding, non-funtional, totally depressed, I can't help but to think how lucky I am. As bad as I think my life is, the GD is not running or ruining it. I am lucky to have several other aspects of myself beyond gender and gender presentation that I identify myself by and find joy in having in my life. I have some level of balance.

Balance it is. Certainly not nailed firmly to the ground. I have my bad days. Most days the level of GD is only at "I want to". The bad days it is "I need to". The good days far outnumber the bad. In an imperfect world that is a good imperfect balance for me.... Today

Then there is the jealousy factor. Over the course of a good 7 years now I've seen many new members come for their first meeting. Scared. Confused. Out of their minds. Within a year or so, living and presenting full-time as their preferred gender.

I found that trying to think of myself as Non-Binary helps a lot. My therapist said don't get hung up on labels. Well... words do have meanings which also carry certain expectations. Yes, I have transitioned. My live changed immensely for the better by taking on the trans-beast for real. I also am still able to live and present primarily as male. My gender ID is perhaps 20 percent of what goes into making me ME. Just like I have no genital dysphoria. Sure I wish I didn't have the dangly bits. We've also had some pretty great times together.

I'm 55 and hid my g.d for 50 years.  When I accepted that I was trans I went to a therapist, and 6 months later started on hormones.  I felt good both mentally and physically.  Then 2 months in, social pressures forced my to stop.  I was feeling so good I thought I had it locked and was cured. 

Within 10 weeks I almost lost everything by having a near mental breakdown.  The anger in me (that's how the Dysphoria manifested itself in me) was uncontrollable.  I restarted the drugs and immediately felt better.  The effect was so fast I think just the psychological effect of doing something quieted the g.d.

I suspect the same thing is happening to you.  Just the knowledge you are doing something about it is enough.

- Dee

Everyone has different levels of dysphoria. I have a friend who is definitely on the trans spectrum but who is not going to transition because she's trying to accept her body rather than change it or hate it. That's her choice... I don't think she's any less trans from the things she's described in detail to me. She also lives in a transphobic country and sees it as a huge practical risk. Can't fault that either.

When you get to see your initial psychotherapist on the NHS they will go through all of this with you, and find out the extent of your feelings on it and whether you think you require different aspects of transition... not everyone goes for everything. At my last app the doctor speaking to me described some patients who were definitely more dysphoric than me about some things and would go to lengths I wouldn't to achieve the things they wanted. And I considered myself pretty dysfunctional from my dysphoria. Every case is different

I've been learning so much about myself because I've started down this path.  There is no time frame for me, and there's no steady level of dysphoria.  Like JoanneB said, there are times that I want to transition and other times I feel awful for not being there yet.  I'm so early, that I don't see my transition as surgical or final, because I'm still learning who Victoria is in the first place.

I'm lucky that I'm able to dress and act bi-gender at work, so I can still feel like Victoria even if I don't fully look like her.  But there are certainly times that I question the "validity" of my transition due to the relief I feel at being able to do just that.  I think "am I supposed to completely change if I feel good being somewhere in the middle today?"  But then there are times that I hate not being able to just show up to work in a dress, heels, wig, and fake boobs because then the questions and reactions may be overwhelming or negative. 

If there is such a long waiting list for you, and you're wondering if you're even supposed to pursue this path, this may be perfect for you.  Explore combining genders, or going out as one or the other, maybe take on a different name when amongst strangers to summon a different persona.  If there's no "deadline" or pressing need to make a decision, then you are totally open to take this at your own pace.  Chances are that once you start seeing the specialist, you will be sure that you are supposed to transition.  Or chances are you'll know you aren't. 

Lastly, my being on the trans spectrum is not my choice.  I am not just dressing up in drag or expressing a sexual fetish, or even playing a game to see how feminine I can look.  I have discovered a sense of dysphoria because of the euphoria I feel when presenting fully as Victoria.  My choice is in how I pursue my life with this understanding (or lack thereof) of my identity.  I don't have a "do or die" feeling, but my whole being feels right when I look like Victoria, because I already act and feel more like a woman now than I've ever felt like a man.  So don't worry about your choice until you're ready to choose.  This is you, and you know yourself, even before therapy (though that will definitely help sort it out).  You will know who you are when you need to.

I firmly believe (don't know if it's backed by science or not) that we all respond to things differently.  Even two people with the same dysphoria may find that how it impacts the rest of their lives is very different.  One may have support and coping mechanisms in place or a lifestyle that permits them to deal with it while the other may find it totally debilitating and cause them to be unable to function in life.  We see this with all sorts of "stresses" that every one must face but each responds to differently so why would GD be unique in that regard.

There's no reason to feel guilty.  I too, much like you, am struggling with my decision about transition. I've had to work through a lot of self-denial as well as logistical issues that caused me to further repress my feelings.  Even now as I stare it in the face with 3 months of therapy under my belt, I still can't commit to pulling the trigger on transition.  I think it's coming, and I'll probably hit that point where I say yes I'm going to do HRT, I'm going to live full-time, I'm going to have surgeries, etc.  But I'm not there yet.

I too struggle with some guilt over that.  My wife is painfully waiting for that shoe to drop. She's sure that I'm headed down that path and sees it as a worst case scenario coming true. However, we're both stuck in a holding pattern until I figure it out.  I feel bad that I can't give her an answer right now. But I just continue to focus on working through the process of self discovery knowing that eventually I will get there.