Hey ladies,

So I had an amazing evening/experience with my kid sister tonight. It was my first emotional breakdown since starting HRT.

I am totally ok with telling the word that I am transgender. I see it as a responsibly to help those in there younger years make an informed decision.

However, the one person I am most afraid of telling is my own mother. My question is...

How did you tell that person that you feared most about telling? What was the result? Did you have support when telling them?

Thank you ladies for your support. It means so much to me.

Loves [emoji182][emoji173][emoji182]
Kaylin

For me it was my best friend. He's not progressive for anything LBGT and got a temper and quick to fight. Not against anyone who in the LBGT community just in general. After being forced into telling him, (long story) he said that while he didn't understand it nor was he sure he could be fully supportive of it, he still wanted to be friends and not throw away 30+ years of friendship. It is still a little rocky but we still get along like always.

For me it was my best friend as well.  While he's very liberal in terms of acceptance of people, he still has an awkward time dealing with anything LGBT related.  I ended up writing him a letter (I've done this for most of the people I've come out to so far) and delivering it in person.  After reading it he looked at me and said "Thank you for telling me, this doesn't change our friendship any and you'll always be the same person to me no matter what your gender".

HUGE weight off my shoulders when he said that.  So far, all my coming out experiences have been very positive, at least to my face.  I haven't encountered any cold shoulders or anything afterward either.

I like using the letter because it allows me to make sure I get all my thoughts articulated just the way I want.  It also ensures that I don't get interrupted mid-stream by questions, emotions, etc.  I write the person a letter, deliver it in person, let them read it and then answer any questions.  It's worked very well for me.

For me, my pastor.
I was still relatively new at my church and felt so much angst telling her who I was and what changes my life would take. She, being a pastor, a mother...I was afraid of being judged. It was clear when I told her, she was a bit stunned. She didn't really know what it meant or how to react. She had no advice other than to pray for guidance.
Long story short, I'm still a member of that church, and I doubt many people remember me from the past and only see me as I am now.

For me its my dad, I have avoided talking to him so far! I am going to have to soon

Quote from: ChristineRachel on January 22, 2017, 08:26:58 AM
For me its my dad, I have avoided talking to him so far! I am going to have to soon

I totally where you're at... I'm in the same boat. I want to tell her so badly, but I'm absolutely terrified.

My sister said she'd be there if I needed her. I really want to schedule a dinner with my mom, but I really don't know what kind of setting to use.

A letter is definitely going to be utilized in my coming out, for sure.




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I think a letter could be the most safe idea for me too. He could get raged.

Definitely my mother.  So far I'm out to my wife's whole family and one of my sisters.  For my mom and three remaining sisters, we bought a book called "Transitions of the Heart" by Rachel Pepper, which I'm going to forward to each along with a letter.  My plan is to send that off to my two younger sisters first, asking for their guidance and (maybe) assistance in informing my mom and youngest sister.  I can't really go through with transitioning at work until I've sorted it out with my family.  I kind of expect that they're not going to be too keen on this, but letting finding out second hand would seem to be disrespectful to me.  And you never know for sure what people are going to do, sometimes they surprise you. 

I suspect it would have been even harder with my dad.  Sometimes I think that his passing gave me the boost in courage to move forward. 

Erin

Well, telling my gf I needed to proceed to hrt & GCS has been the most difficult, I've been out about being trans from our first date.

Sister most difficult in that I didn't realize first wave feminism was exclusively TERF and she did some really spiteful stuff after I went to her looking for some help with family context.

"mother" quoted because she was never emotionally available, which is what makes it difficult, at this time I have no plans to come out there.

I had always assumed it would have been my dad, he was a small town Nebraska farmer.  He was basically the last person I told, and as it turned out, he never missed a beat using my new name and the correct pronouns all the time.  He has passed now, and I am so glad I told him so that he knew me before he died.

These days, I do not talk about my past with the people in my life.  The only person I have "come out" to lately is my friend who is going to Korea with me next month.  I wanted to share a bit more with her, since she is going on this journey with me.  I still find it hard to have these conversations.  I am really good at not answering questions about my past and my personal life.  Basically not saying a lot, but saying enough to direct the conversation away from me and the things about me I do not want to share.  It is a real tough habit to break.

The wife and kids was hard, they don't understand, but its the guys in the Hot Rod club . One of the members has transgendered and they still call her by her old name so not seen her for ages, will hide it from Drag Racing until the Halloween meet as can get away with it then (fancy dress) and it looks like the last year for our track. Work have been OK so far.

My brother.. Y.Y

Davina, please reconsider Halloween.  I kinda did the same and it was met with confusion and ultimately bad feelings. 

Halloween used to be my favorite, now the memories I remember and those that others "joke" about are a constant reminder of my faults.

Quote from: Denise on January 22, 2017, 09:05:22 PM
Davina, please reconsider Halloween.

I also agree that Halloween is not a good time. It is a night where people dress up in costumes that do not at all represent their authentic nature.  It is a night for freaks and witches and goblins and monsters and that's the last way you want your vulnerable, authentic self to be viewed by others.

None of them were difficult to tell, the problem was I naively assumed since they all love talking about how "tolerant" they are that they would actually be tolerant of the idea.

The two people I thought would take it best took it worst, and the rest of them didn't care either way.

It makes me think the more you think you know someone, or the more they think they know you, the less they actually do know you. All that happens is they think they have a greater "stake" in your life, or you in theirs and then they proceed to freak out about it. I do think the bad reactions among the 'most important people' probably has a root in that sort of selfish "what about me and my cherished mental image of you I had?" kinda vibe, and less to do with worrying about your safety, or the integrity of society, or any of that. I found people lamented more about losing their fantasies than about living realities.

Dear Kaylin,
   My hardest family to tell was my two grown sons. They reacted very well and thanked me for how I handled it after. I will tell you and maybe it is of some value. I wanted to prepare my sons to hear something serious from me. They lived with me but I decided to write them a letter to "set the table" for what I had to tell them. I said in the letter that within a week I would come to them and tell them something very important that I was nervous, no actually, scared to tell them. I told them that the last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt them in any way. I said that it was about me and added that I wasn't sick, dying, in trouble with the law, divorcing, or gay. (I didn't want to scare them to death.) I asked them not to ask any questions until we sat down to talk, but try to prepare yourself to listen. I told them I wasn't sure how they would feel, but that I wanted them to understand. This did a few things. I had them ready to listen. They knew I was afraid and made them a little afraid. They expressed relief later that it wasn't something real bad. It allowed a breaking of the ice and prevented the blindside that me just blurting it out would have brought. I ended up telling them in two days, not a week. They were nervous but wanted to listen. I started by telling them a little history about something that has always been hard  for me. I told them it caused me to be very unhappy and that I needed to move forward and change things to try to be happy. The thing that was so hard for me was how I viewed myself, specifically how uncomfortable I was with my gender. (I think saying "I'm transgender" to your Mom may be something she may not understand.) Rather then putting a word to it, I described my discomfort, my pain, and my shame at not having my body and my mind on the same page. I think it helps to let them know your struggle. I would also suggest shying away from telling too much about what you see as the end game. Think about hearing, "I'm trans, I am going to take hormones, live as a woman and have surgery." It is maybe what you have in mind, but who wants to hear that all the decisions have been made before they are even told. Save it for later, let it sink in a bit. Maybe even involve the person in the process if they seem friendly. Let them at least ask questions (maybe don't be real specific with answers if you see stress.)
   You know your Mom. I would say adjust to her personality. Putting your feelings out there makes you a bit more vulnerable, but if people who love you know you are hurting usually the reaction is one of trying to help. I had so many people tell me how awful it was that I had to live with this painful secret for so long. Telling them, "I'm trans love it or hate it!" does not go far in getting people to go along with you.
   First decide if you are going to go forward. If that decision is yes then prepare it well and then do it. All you have control over is how you present it. After that, it is out of your hands. If you think it will be less scary later you are kidding yourself. If your answer is "yes" to the above, do it despite the  fear. Punch the fear right in the teeth.
   Sorry this is not quick. It worked for me so I hope it helps. Good luck.
Moni

The hardest people to tell were my grown kids. After all they have been calling me Dudeman all their lives. I knew my kids were special but to what extent I did not know. So we sat down on a Saturday afternoon and I told them. I told them about my lifelong crossdressing having started out about 7 years old. I told them of how it made me feel less stress. How it was a release from tensions. I told them I loved them and would always love them no matter what. I told them what to expect in terms of my HRT treatment. I already had man boobs from 25 years of Spiro. But, I told them my boobs would get bigger. My face would be softer, my hair longer, my butt bigger. But the big change would be in my personality. I would lose the anger I had carried for so long. I would become nice. I also explained that my condition may have been predestined due to medical malpractice due to DES poisoning.

http://desaction.org

Also HughE has posted many comments that explained the reports I was reading. My daughter said, you're still our Dad. Now I could have called her out for her use of the wrong pronoun but that is not how I roll. My Son on the other hand said. Dad you have to do the thing that makes you feel good. My wife was upset that I told them but every ounce of weight I had been carrying all these years disappeared. I've had a smile on my face that can't be wiped off for 5 months. Just prior to HRT we watched commercials of Jeffery Tambor asking his family if they wanted to call him MOM. Life imitates art.

I bravely hid under my blanket and admitted that while I rationally knew they would accept me, that the emotional side of me had to fend off all the trans hate that I've seen.  So, yes, I bravely told them from under my blankets, because I could.  I even had help.    (Because I was that scared, even knowing.)

Wow, such moving stories, omigosh..

Umm, well, the question was who was the most difficult person to tell, but first let me say that because I was a genetic female mis-gendered due to medical nonsense, I knew that my family couldn't really say squat about it, no matter if they were trans-phobes or homo-phobes. It was a fact, and they could deal with it, or not. I called each of my siblings, except the rapist, and broke the news. Starting with the two that knew me best, and they cried, and were onboard immediately. A year later, I told my fundamentalist religion believing sibling, and it went fine, too, and she was mad that I had delayed telling her, but my other sibs had warned me off, saying she would be judgmental. She was not, and we have become tighter than any two sisters ever could be, and she was the fastest to get my pronouns right, and to socialize with me without referencing who I used to be. Lesson learned!

But, again, the question was, who was the hardest person to tell?

It wasn't my spouse, lol, she already had a notion I was 'different', ha!

It was the manager of the apartment complex I had been living in for the last several years. See, he oversaw the whole male maintenance crew, and they all saw me as top dog in the complex. I knew that whatever I said about medical history, it would just sound like trans/gay stuff to the crew, and I did not want to get into my mutilated parts, or the DES exposure, and all that stuff with them, most barely made it out of high school. So, I knew my safety was going to become an issue, so the day I went full-time, I marched into the same office that 'alpha dude' had walked into several times a month, for years, in a skimpy blouse, bra, short skirt, make-up, and flip flops, and speaking with my one of best little girl alter's voice, and "I" explained it all to him, as he sat there, jaw on the floor, as the office girls watched from their desks, with eyes popping out, but "I" kept my cool, and told the whole story...

I had to tell it all over again a few times before the 'non-trans/non-gay' part of my story sunk in, but once it did, I was home free, and sitting at the pool in my bikini, and a LOT of the beta males were very nice and friendly afterward. Had to work it out with the sub-alphas, but my 'protector' alters were pretty convincing that there would be no crap taken from anybody, and though I hate to say it, fear of what they figured I might do kept things cool..

Yeah, funny how things work out, huh?

Missy

I think I would have a lot of difficulty to tell anyone in my family, I mean family by parents, sister and my wife's family and sisters. Telling them would probably mean end of any relationship.

But to me, the most difficult person to tell anything is my wife. I can't even think about what would life be without her, and nothing I would do, transitioning or not, would make any sense without her.

3 years ago I have told her that I am crossdresser after a couple beers, and in an effort to continue our relationship (at that time, I was 3 months in my marriage) and I have skipped the "trans" part. Anyway, at that time I wasn't at all sure that was what I wanted. It worked well for the last 3 years, but then CDing was not enough. I was getting more and more inclined to transition.

Recently, things got really complicated to bear. Stress at work, questions in my mind, I was starting to get desperate and needed to talk to someone. I decided that I needed therapy and to put these words out of my chest. But, last weekend I had a bit more of beer (again) and told her I was gonna see a "therapist". She told me that "if that's what you need, go for it... I really fear that you may come and say that you are bi or gay, or something like that". Then, I told her... Honey, I am assured of my sexuality, but what I need to talk is about gender...

OPS!

Then you can imagine what happened... the usual "I can't even think of staying with a woman", "you've betrayed me"... and a lot of crying, as 3 years ago. She told me many times that she would not accept such a thing and that it would be the end of our marriage, so I thought it was the end for good... to my surprise, she calmed down and said she would help me and be by my side, as long as I told her everything and saw a therapist ASAP.

I'm glad it happened. If I was thinking clearly, I may never have let that topic come out. Now there are no more secrets between us, and she knows I am inclined to be a transwoman. I don't know what is gonna happen in the future, but I can finally talk to someone, and specially the most important person for me.