Hi, this is last time asking because i am in deep financial trouble question, can't get a psychiatrist and just want to talk with some people, i've been thinking and just want to ask an updated question, am i "trans enough to be a transsexual?"..

two of my earliest memories where i felt different was basically when i was very young, i remember feeling like my *you know what area* was ugly and "should be flat" even before even knowing really what a vagina was, the other was when i was sent to a doctor once by my mom, the doctor referred to me when talking to my mom as "Your daughter bla bla bla"...all i remember, heared and cared about was he said "daughter", it's one of my most happiest memories. As a kid, i was also super gentle, sensitive, cried a lot and was very loving, i was pretty feminine too.

Later on, i was more tomboyish/boyish in the way that i liked playing with swords, super hero toys, video games, i also liked playing with cooking toys, animal plushies, figurines and i used to put on my mom's make up for a while, i also loved wearing an skirt for men in asian culure (sarong) which was my way of
feeling more feminine eventhough it was ugly as sin i loved feeling like i was wearing a skirt.

Then i reached puberty (i think i reached it at age 9), i went crazy, wanting a female body and wanting to live as a girl and be a girl in every way, i wished i would wake up one day and wake up a girl.I started cross dressing at this age too and it always made me feel at peace, it may have ended sexually but the main reason i did it was because i just felt happy, like everything was right. I also had a friend who i was albe to play make believe where he was a hero and i was always the damsel in distress (it was asia in the 90's lol), I also was semi-flirtatious with boys however i was in an all-boys school so when i went to school at about age 12, I would presentted as if i was tougher but felt the same way inside. My interests was this age was bascially video games and tv (i loved WWE) i also remember watching Ranma 1/2 and wishing i was the powers Ranma had (it's an anime where a boy has the ability to change his body to female), as i grew older after years of getting bullied in school because i was gentle, pretty soft still and awkward.

Later on i would been taken out of school because of the bullying, after this i became more aggressive as a defense mechanism, At this point deep down i still felt the same feelings of  wishing i was born a girl, wanting a female body etc. Living in asia which was very conservative, i honestly didn't know there was such a thing as a sex change..i pretty much thought i had to be male till the day i died and that was just life, so i thought i was either gay or a cross dresser but again, living in a conservative country i had already been bullied for just being gentle, i felt if i accepted that i was different in any way, it was bascially suicide. At this point i was somewhere in between in my presentation, i was goth which was basically my way of thinking "I can dress femininely and no one will "figure me out", however also not feeling like there was a choice in life besides "male", i tried to live life as a guy and make it work, trying to be a normal guy in everyway sense of the word, it was never what i wanted and i was never really happy, because that's not how i saw myself nor was it ever who i wanted to be.

Anyway, after that basically i transitioned, eventhough my life isn't perfect, i've been so much happier and at peace, something i never felt nor had before. Anyway i just wanted a more updated and more descriptive version of my question after having some really deep thoughts, i hope i'm not too much of a bother, if i am i apologize, thanks in advance

(also thanks to Kylo for being so sweet and helping me out so far).

Thank you for your story.  Some of it sounds so much like me, yet different, in a way.  I liked putting on my moms decorative high heel shoes, man did I get in trouble for that, they were these wood and felt things with hand painted pictures my dad got her from Japan and they were never meant to be worn.  I liked both the male and female oriented shows, and even hid myself from myself successfully for decades.  The twinges of what I should have been buried in depression, anger, spiteful feelings, and self loathing.  I'm glad that is mostly, still have anger issues, gone now.

Quoteeven hid myself from myself successfully for decades.

I wouldn't say i hid myself from myself, it's i didn't accept the feelings i had but i knew deep down inside, i'm glad i could help you feel better with my post /

Not many replies, did i say something wrong?

No, you didn't say anything wrong.  I think it's just a slow day and not many people got on.  There were very few changes on the sections I frequent.

My former boss - A psychologist - when asked a question by me, he'd paraphrase the question back to me. He wanted me to answer the question.

So I ask you: do YOU think you're trans enough to be a transexual?

Nina

Hmm, there are a few things in your post that I am curious about, sweetie.

Quote from: amazonprincess on January 23, 2017, 12:57:36 AM
Then i reached puberty (i think i reached it at age 9), i went crazy, wanting a female body and wanting to live as a girl and be a girl in every way, i wished i would wake up one day and wake up a girl.

QuoteAnyway, after that basically i transitioned, eventhough my life isn't perfect, i've been so much happier and at peace, something i never felt nor had before.

These two parts. It seems evident to me that you found who you were and took steps necessary to effect that change in yourself to express that self. And doing that was the right thing to do, for your piece of mind. To which I have a couple of questions... firstly, what are you having doubts about, hon? And secondly, regarding your question... if you're happier and at peace with yourself with who you are now, and feel like what you needed to do was the right thing then, well, does it really matter if you're trans enough to be transsexual?

I mean, going by your post, the self you always were inside, and took steps to affect the external expression of... she is who she is. She is you. If, by your question, you're asking whether you follow a similar narrative to a lot of other folks who visit the site then yes, I would say so. But again, I'm not so sure it's a benchmark you have to achieve to be "taken seriously" as much as it is a bi-product of a process of self-discovery and change. And in that, everyone's story will be slightly different, penned as it is by a different author.

I would say focus on writing that happy ending, sweetie. Being who you are. Instead of focusing on one of the sub-plots that helps the story advance towards it, you know? And ask yourself instead "are you yourself enough to be happy?"

*hugs*

QuoteI mean, going by your post, the self you always were inside, and took steps to affect the external expression of... she is who she is. She is you. If, by your question, you're asking whether you follow a similar narrative to a lot of other folks who visit the site then yes, I would say so. But again, I'm not so sure it's a benchmark you have to achieve to be "taken seriously" as much as it is a bi-product of a process of self-discovery and change. And in that, everyone's story will be slightly different, penned as it is by a different author.

Yes that was the basic question, i mean like i said i had quite a few male interests and I did try making being a guy work, being the typical guy in every way i could, partly not wanting to accept myself and parly feeling like i had a no choice but to be male forever and to just "make the best out of it and just try to survive".

Like i've seen some other trans people say, i don't believe in gender as a social confstruct (and i have no hate towards anyone that does and am willing to listen) i just wanna know i am who i say i am with full confidence , i just needed people to talk to about this.

The thing is, hon, I'm not sure it's something you have to justify to yourself. I get the feeling that you have a desire to prove to yourself that you deserve to be who you say you are? And that proof lies in whether the path you took to get there was the right one or not?

I think I get what you're wanting to know. Whether your sense of self was strong enough that it underpinned the way you've lived your life. To see if you did the right thing based on what other people have done?

I'm really not sure there's a concrete answer to your question, in objective terms. For every person whose life experiences match your own, you'll find others whose lives have taken a different path, but led to the same destination, you know? And none are more or less legitimate than yours. We have folks here who felt distressed since they first learned what that feeling meant, and did everything in their power to affect change at a very early age. We have folks here who didn't find themselves until much later on in life, and were finally able to scratch that insatiable itch that had plagued them their whole lives without being fully understood. Or folks who knew the path but circumstances provided temporarily insurmountable obstacles to following it. And pretty much every scenario in-between. It's a highly subjective thing, really, to decide if your journey was the right one. Something which can only really be determined by the traveler themselves.

I would say the confidence to be who you say you are comes from inside you, sweetie. Based on how you feel when you're being that person. And it's maybe not something that can be given, in any lasting sense, by other people telling you that you did, or didn't do the right things or feel the right way. Someone telling you that you're a woman, or telling you that you're a man, or telling you that you're somewhere else on the spectrum is not that much different to someone telling you that you are the way you were born... if you don't feel it. And if you do feel it, then what is there left to say?.

Your first post says that no matter what you tried living the way you were, it never fit and you were never happy. But becoming who you are has made you happy, and at peace with yourself. I would say the answer to your question lies very much in those feelings, hon. And they tell you all you really need to know about whether you did the right thing, and whether you are that person. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or says.

At some point -- and given you've already transitioned, I suspect you're closer to that point than you may have realized -- some of us stop asking anything along the lines of "trans enough"... and start realizing that we aren't really trans anymore, but on the gender binary we always knew ourselves to be, deep down inside.

In other words, the time approaches to put away transitional things and realize you've become a woman.

Quote from: Sephirah on January 25, 2017, 11:48:43 AM
The thing is, hon, I'm not sure it's something you have to justify to yourself. I get the feeling that you have a desire to prove to yourself that you deserve to be who you say you are? And that proof lies in whether the path you took to get there was the right one or not?

I think I get what you're wanting to know. Whether your sense of self was strong enough that it underpinned the way you've lived your life. To see if you did the right thing based on what other people have done?

I'm really not sure there's a concrete answer to your question, in objective terms. For every person whose life experiences match your own, you'll find others whose lives have taken a different path, but led to the same destination, you know? And none are more or less legitimate than yours. We have folks here who felt distressed since they first learned what that feeling meant, and did everything in their power to affect change at a very early age. We have folks here who didn't find themselves until much later on in life, and were finally able to scratch that insatiable itch that had plagued them their whole lives without being fully understood. Or folks who knew the path but circumstances provided temporarily insurmountable obstacles to following it. And pretty much every scenario in-between. It's a highly subjective thing, really, to decide if your journey was the right one. Something which can only really be determined by the traveler themselves.

I would say the confidence to be who you say you are comes from inside you, sweetie. Based on how you feel when you're being that person. And it's maybe not something that can be given, in any lasting sense, by other people telling you that you did, or didn't do the right things or feel the right way. Someone telling you that you're a woman, or telling you that you're a man, or telling you that you're somewhere else on the spectrum is not that much different to someone telling you that you are the way you were born... if you don't feel it. And if you do feel it, then what is there left to say?.

Your first post says that no matter what you tried living the way you were, it never fit and you were never happy. But becoming who you are has made you happy, and at peace with yourself. I would say the answer to your question lies very much in those feelings, hon. And they tell you all you really need to know about whether you did the right thing, and whether you are that person. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or says.

You've got me completely figured out and most of all thanks hon *hugs*.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on January 25, 2017, 05:39:05 PM
At some point -- and given you've already transitioned, I suspect you're closer to that point than you may have realized -- some of us stop asking anything along the lines of "trans enough"... and start realizing that we aren't really trans anymore, but on the gender binary we always knew ourselves to be, deep down inside.

In other words, the time approaches to put away transitional things and realize you've become a woman.

I am trying to get there everyday with my transition and thanks too hon for being such a help *hugs*

My experience echos yours except that it wasn't safe for me to know when I was young, punishment for deviation, however slight from the male scripts was immediate and severe.

You sure sound transexual to me, see my thread about questioning whether to proceed to surgery

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218067.0.html

Certain though I am that I'll be happier post op, I'm still questioning, dealing with self doubt.

Quote from: SadieBlake on January 26, 2017, 06:30:38 AM
My experience echos yours except that it wasn't safe for me to know when I was young, punishment for deviation, however slight from the male scripts was immediate and severe.

You sure sound transexual to me, see my thread about questioning whether to proceed to surgery

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218067.0.html

Certain though I am that I'll be happier post op, I'm still questioning, dealing with self doubt.

*hugs*,

sorry about that hon, it must have been horrid, i won't lie my mom was liberal and my dad was reasonable when he cares enough to be. Also the fact that i was soft, loving, feminine and gentle was to them for a while was because i was a "spoilt kid", so that's another reason i kinda got away with it with my family for a few years. It was mainly society that scared me into trying to live as a male because Singapore is not the most accepting of the LGBT community, there was a LGBT event that america sends money to (probably not happening anymore) and singapore was like "Stop sending these people your money, we don't want their lifestyle to be promoted here" and gay marriage is still illegal so, yeah. My family was fine it was the rest of Singapore that was the problem.

ALSO, i posted a reply on your thread hon, i wish the best of luck to you and hope i was able to help in someway *hugs*

I didn't really feel trans enough for a long time and I think it really put off my figuring out my feelings. I go to a very radical school where I was defiantly queer but never AS queer as some folks. The kids who study queer theory and have a cool queer clique and are apart of the GSA club all kinda out Gayed me. So when they would talk about transitioning or changing pronouns or names it always felt like something that I had to be at their level to also do. I didn't actively hate my body but I never felt comfortable in it either. So I took me a few years seeped in this queer, trans friendly environment to realize "oh hey maybe binders would make me feel better, and maybe they them pronouns would be nice. " Then a whole year later did I decide that taking hormone was what I wanted to do.

I know it can seem like you have to have every single dysphoria and horrible gendered experience growing up to be "trans enough" to transition but you don't. I think there is a really harsh stereotype of how a trans person should feel and look and act. Some folks have a different story of how they got to where they are and you'll have your own story one day too.

Quote from: kings joker on January 26, 2017, 03:35:00 PM
I didn't really feel trans enough for a long time and I think it really put off my figuring out my feelings. I go to a very radical school where I was defiantly queer but never AS queer as some folks. The kids who study queer theory and have a cool queer clique and are apart of the GSA club all kinda out Gayed me. So when they would talk about transitioning or changing pronouns or names it always felt like something that I had to be at their level to also do. I didn't actively hate my body but I never felt comfortable in it either. So I took me a few years seeped in this queer, trans friendly environment to realize "oh hey maybe binders would make me feel better, and maybe they them pronouns would be nice. " Then a whole year later did I decide that taking hormone was what I wanted to do.

That sounds fascinating, like i said having gone to school in singapore, this sounds amazing to me. It was different for me though, i felt these feelings before i even knew there was such a thing as transgender i don't know if i said that, ever since one of my earliest memory, i already experienced wanting my *area* to be flat before knowing what was a vagina was and was always in nirvana everytime someone saw me as female. Living in a conservative country where gay marriage is illegal until today. Ever since i reached 9, i felt the complete need to have a female body, i hated having a male body (i've transitioned but i'm not perfect i still hate and feel like death everytime i see the parts of me that is masculine..i just try my  best to ignore it, cause my mom usually get's upset by me talking about it).

To me the the things that make me feel "not trans enough" is the fact that at a point in my teens i felt since i didn't have the word transgender to use back then it was basically "it's a pipedream that i'm going to wake up a girl one day and really be who i always felt i was meant to be, so i've got to make being a guy work", it was either that or come out as gay (which is all i knew when it came to the LGBT even when i transitioned, transgender was considered an alien almost nonexistent thing, the average singaporean would be clueless) which after being bullied for years for being just gentle/soft and knowing it would mean more abuse from people, i guess the words would be "i stayed in the closet"? Though i did let myself express more femininely as a goth/emo (i never was into the music nor anything, just thought it was awesome that i could dress femininely at least and no one would think i was a freak, i never wore white face paint and all that jazz though, just black eyeliner and i guess completely failing on the goth part pink lipstick lol...so i don't know how gothic i really was beside's heavy eyeliner and wearing black lol. I hate having this weird contrast where i was feeling the same, but had moments of acting "macho" on purpose because i wanted to be accepted but was also still cross dressing to ease the dysphoria, still basically feeling the same way i did since i was 9. It was at this point i wonder if i was trans enough, because on one side i was presenting and trying to live as a guy for acceptance and survival while at the other end i still felt the same way about feeling like i was meant to have a female body and live as a girl, feeling like "god has put a curse on me".

I did come out as gay for a while in the very end though, wasn't ever happy. I may have been able to express more femininely which was great and didn't felt forced into relationships with women which was fine for a while but i was still unhappy, feeling trapped in a male body.

Yeah I mean I still went 12 years of schooling in a cis, straight environment so all my years of subconsciously doing things or avoiding things that were "feminine" I kinda chalked up to being gay or going through uncomfortable puberty feelings. It literally took me 4 years at a radical college to figure out that not everyone feels/ felt the way I did growing up. It was like I lived so long as a lesbian boi that I was comfortable but there was stuff I always wanted to do that I thought was a pipe dream as you put it. Things like shaving, having a muscular toned body that wasn't feminine and curvy, having a flat chest, being able to go topless at the beach. I felt like those weren't things open to me but I never felt so strongly that I questioned my gender about it. I just questioned the binary and my genetics more than anything. I tried for years to have the right diet/exercise or jumped on the free the nipple wagon to achieve some of these things. now I realize that Testosterone was the answer all along. Hell I even changed my name when I was 3 years old to a less feminine nickname...many I tried really hard to make my body fit right

QuoteIt was like I lived so long as a lesbian boi that I was comfortable but there was stuff I always wanted to do that I thought was a pipe dream as you put it.

Quote
I felt like those weren't things open to me but I never felt so strongly that I questioned my gender about it.

I mean personally, i was never comfortable before transition and i did question my gender from puberty onwards, when i was younger the feelings wasn't as strong as during puberty.

Quote from: amazonprincess on January 26, 2017, 11:26:13 AM
*hugs*,

sorry about that hon, it must have been horrid, i won't lie my mom was liberal and my dad was reasonable when he cares enough to be. Also the fact that i was soft, loving, feminine and gentle was to them for a while was because i was a "spoilt kid", so that's another reason i kinda got away with it with my family for a few years. It was mainly society that scared me into trying to live as a male because Singapore is not the most accepting of the LGBT community, there was a LGBT event that america sends money to (probably not happening anymore) and singapore was like "Stop sending these people your money, we don't want their lifestyle to be promoted here" and gay marriage is still illegal so, yeah. My family was fine it was the rest of Singapore that was the problem.

ALSO, i posted a reply on your thread hon, i wish the best of luck to you and hope i was able to help in someway *hugs*

Thanks so much for posting, yes people who hate take a toll and we all face that challenge. I'm glad to live in a society that at least has some receptive places (actually most of the US is coming around, some recent events notwithstanding).

My real family now is my intentional family, all the people I care for and who are supportive of who I am even when they don't get it. Some of my biological family are ok, especially my daughters and their generation are all fine.

Quote from: SadieBlake on January 27, 2017, 05:00:59 AM
Thanks so much for posting, yes people who hate take a toll and we all face that challenge. I'm glad to live in a society that at least has some receptive places (actually most of the US is coming around, some recent events notwithstanding).

My real family now is my intentional family, all the people I care for and who are supportive of who I am even when they don't get it. Some of my biological family are ok, especially my daughters and their generation are all fine.

I'm in San Francisco now so i know how you feel (regardless what happen, i'm happy in SF), Singapore was really backwards and since it's an island and not even a real country, singapore is just singapore...there ain't no receptive places outside of family lol, it's just singapore lol.

Quote from: amazonprincess on January 26, 2017, 08:34:17 PM
To me the the things that make me feel "not trans enough" is the fact that at a point in my teens i felt since i didn't have the word transgender to use back then it was basically "it's a pipedream that i'm going to wake up a girl one day and really be who i always felt i was meant to be, so i've got to make being a guy work", it was either that or come out as gay (which is all i knew when it came to the LGBT even when i transitioned, transgender was considered an alien almost nonexistent thing, the average singaporean would be clueless) which after being bullied for years for being just gentle/soft and knowing it would mean more abuse from people, i guess the words would be "i stayed in the closet"? Though i did let myself express more femininely as a goth/emo (i never was into the music nor anything, just thought it was awesome that i could dress femininely at least and no one would think i was a freak, i never wore white face paint and all that jazz though, just black eyeliner and i guess completely failing on the goth part pink lipstick lol...so i don't know how gothic i really was beside's heavy eyeliner and wearing black lol. I hate having this weird contrast where i was feeling the same, but had moments of acting "macho" on purpose because i wanted to be accepted but was also still cross dressing to ease the dysphoria, still basically feeling the same way i did since i was 9. It was at this point i wonder if i was trans enough, because on one side i was presenting and trying to live as a guy for acceptance and survival while at the other end i still felt the same way about feeling like i was meant to have a female body and live as a girl, feeling like "god has put a curse on me".

I did come out as gay for a while in the very end though, wasn't ever happy. I may have been able to express more femininely which was great and didn't felt forced into relationships with women which was fine for a while but i was still unhappy, feeling trapped in a male body.

Sweetie, not knowing what the problem is doesn't mean there isn't one. And not knowing what, if anything, you could do about the way you were feeling... well, it's little wonder you chose to try to fit in and "make it work". Life goes on, you know? You still have to function, somehow, day-to-day, until an answer presents itself.

I've lost count of the number of folks who've shared their experiences here involving growing up in a time where the issues they were having weren't even understood, much less treatable. And for someone hurting and confused, and subject to harsh treatment as it is, we do what we can to minimise the hurt. Sometimes it comes down to a choice between the lesser of two evils. Something that hurts inside, but at the time you have no control over or understanding of, or something you can control, to protect yourself, and get through day-to-day.

It doesn't make you less of anything to not want to be hurt by people around you, sweetie. It doesn't make you less of anything to do the only thing you can think of to survive and get through. To not want to just give up and hide away. It makes you human. It makes you as fragile, and beautiful as the rest of us.