I just purged all my stuff today.

I won't perseverate over the details in this post other than to say it needed happen.

I've been feeling generally better the last few months following therapy and have had virtually no urge to dress.  The presence of a fairly large collection of actually very nice clothing has become a liability in its own right.  It is a sufficient quantity that it is becoming difficult to keep out of sight and under the radar, only a matter of time until discovered and disclosure to my wife unavoidable with all the adverse outcomes that are absolutely certain to follow.

Moreover, she is becoming increasingly adolescent in her thinking over the current US politics, becoming nearly hateful toward me over my failure to completely and unquestioningly agree with her on issues surrounding the current president.  For the record, I am not enamored with the man, but her demands to join her in veritable slander of him is over the top.  In addition to this, I have recently had to endure inquisition style interrogation over various social and political issues demanding black and white, pro - con, for - against answers that belie the nuance inherent in the issues; things reasonable people would enjoy the intellectual process of debating.   Reasonable people debate and perhaps choose to disagree.  She demands agreement and when denied is furious.  Why this is her current state of mind is a mystery to me.  Clearly it has nothing to do with my personal gender issues. PErhaps she is a casualty of the highly charged divisive atmosphere of the recent presidential election.   Given this backdrop, disclosure would be catastrophic, almost beyond my ability to imagine the response given her current state of mind.

It really pained me to drop off these clothes to the local clothing drive but not for the reason I expected.  I was relieved to get the stuff out of the house, one less thing to have to think about, one less worry.  To an extent I had not anticipated, I'll miss the clothing because I liked it.  It was nice stuff, really pretty, fit well, was comfortable; something I'll miss.  I've never had any sense of erotic response to dressing or to the clothing.  I was purely the phenomenon of loosing you favorite pair of jeans, your favorite shirt, etc. 

On the other hand, I've found that dressing has recently paradoxically provoked dysphoria rather  than relieve it.  This was not he response I knew before therapy.  Getting rid of the clothing may end up producing a favorable overall outcome.  Time will tell.

I had political differences with my roommate when we first met and I handled them by just not talking politics. Funny thing is over the years, she came around to my point of view about the subject. There are many things you can talk about other than politics so attempt to shift the topic to something not so aggressive.

I hope the one thing you don't do is delete your account here. Far to often I see people who still need to vent remove their account in order to avoid the issue. If you don't want to post, that's find but leave the account so it's available should you need it. You can't talk with your wife or the others you deal with day to day, this may be the only place you can safely vent when needed.

Not to worry, I'm not going away.  This forum is an island of sanity in a crazy world.

Steph,
   I am sad that it came to this. I know you enjoyed it so. I will confess to a different worry about your purge. I know that it can sometimes turn around after some time. Let me just say, I never had any luck with purging stuff. I see your reasons and understand why you did it. I hope you will find a way to calm things at home. I really do understand how traumatic this election was. Many folks have been deeply affected by it. If she can't give you room for your opinions, maybe Dena is right to just avoid it.
Moni
You already promised me you wouldn't disappear, so we are stuck with her, Dena! lol

This will certainly give me something to talk about in therapy...

Thanks Moni.   I fell as though I've failed in a number of ways, mostly you as you have been such a good friend and placed such faith in me.  Just to be clear, I didn't expect this to really solve any problems other than mounting concerns about accidental discovery and unmanaged disclosure.  No guilt, not shame, but some degree of a taunting effect--that which I cannot have, at least now placed temporarily out of sight and mind.

No question, not a solution in itself for any of the big picture issues or problems.

This is not a futile attempt to run from the realization of my inner realities.  Nothing changed with me, no plans or urge to deny what is or hide from this forum.  Why would I run from friends?

Steph

This is a twist of events. What ever makes you happy hun! all the power to you <3

I'm sorry you felt the need to do this but I just wanted to send you a message. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are 100% beautiful, a unique unicorn, just the way you are.  That's the way The Creator made you. There are no mistakes in nature.  How could it be otherwise? I also did a lot of purges over my life too. It's totally natural and part of our process.  It does make one feel rather fragile when it's been done tho.  I reached a point around 15 years ago where I didn't purge but I basically put all my clothes in a black trash bag in the basement and never looked at them again.  Until I had a crisis in 2013 and threw them all away.  I was actually lucky to escape that crisis with my life.  Later, after I started my transition, I read a passage from Harry Benjamin's The Transsexual Phenomenon that really pretty much summed up what I was feeling back then.  It basically referred to how some transgender MTF's reach the point where if we feel we can't go forward we "don't want to wear her clothes" anymore.  Again, totally natural and part of the process. You are where you need to be and are totally ok the way you are.  Just follow your heart and I'm sure you'll figure out a good way forward.

I understand why you needed to do this, and I also understand how it feels.  I wasn't out even to myself at the time of my last purge, when my then-girlfriend, now-wife was fixing to move in with me, but I still felt a part of me got left behind in the collection bin.

Please do stick around.  When the dysphoria gets bad, we'll still be here for you.

Quote from: Steph Eigen on January 24, 2017, 09:25:14 PM
Thanks Moni.   I fell as though I've failed in a number of ways, mostly you as you have been such a good friend and placed such faith in me.  Just to be clear, I didn't expect this to really solve any problems other than mounting concerns about accidental discovery and unmanaged disclosure.  No guilt, not shame, but some degree of a taunting effect--that which I cannot have, at least now placed temporarily out of sight and mind.

No question, not a solution in itself for any of the big picture issues or problems.

This is not a futile attempt to run from the realization of my inner realities.  Nothing changed with me, no plans or urge to deny what is or hide from this forum.  Why would I run from friends?

Steph

Oh Honey, you didn't fail me. You didn't fail anyone. You are doing what you feel you must. It is okay. I am in truth floored by your strength. You are managing in a way that I could not. Your way of coping will bring tough days just as mine does. We are all stronger together.
Moni

Thanks for the kind words and simply being here.

I got to the root of the anger and recent acting out at home.  Long story, details not worth recounting here, basically not enough attention from me given about 6 months of really wild time demands imposed by my work.    Interesting how one emotion or stress is sublimated into another manifestation.  Further, accusations of being too emotionally distant.  I tend to retreat to my natural introvert state when stressed or under siege.

Tonight was a miserable night talking all this out with her.  Many tears, much sobbing and an eventually resolution.

Thanks again for all your kindness.

Steph

I am very happy that therapy has helped you put things into perspective. I am the only girl in my Multiple Personality Disorder System. When I first realized I was a separate person  the doctors through my male alter was transsexual. It took 3 years of therapy until they started to figure out he was a survivor of childhood sexual and psychological abuse and had Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Something that struck me from you post was that wearing girls clothes provokes you dysphoric rather than relieves it.  I am the only girl in my Multiple Personality Disorder System. When I first realized I was a separate person my male alter was as disturbed by the things I needed to do to express myself as I was about the things he needed. Not really sure how that applies but I wanted to mention it.

No multiple personality disorder here,  just one of me.  Interesting thought, though. 

Thanks,

Steph

Time to purge Spock.

Ouch!