I am going to use this post kind of as a blog. I don't want to start 20 different threads for everything that happens but would like some feedback if you please.

Well on Saturday my week started out very good. So I thought. My wife and I sat down on Saturday and had a good talk. We got out our questions and concerns. I told her what I need and what I am willing to do for here to help her deal with everything. And I was able to get some favorable boundaries. I basically told her I need to keep transitioning. She did her usual telling me I lied to her. But I was able to get her to see my side, that I was not lying. I have always said. Right now I need this and that, I know this is hard for you but I can not guarantee this is where is stops. As of right now I don't want or need srs but I am not ruling it out in the future. 

As for the boundaries. I thought I got a "as long as I can cover it with clothing and be in guy mode when she needs me to, I would be good to go. As long as I could hide it somewhat. (I say somewhat because right now I have painted toes and a gel French manicure and I mostly wear women's clothing that could pass as men's.) I knew from the convo though that getting any surgerys might be out of the question.

I knew I should have told her about inquiring an orchiectomy before I started the process and also for some reason I could not get it out of my mouth before I started the process or on Saturday when I should have said something at the latest.

So she thought I had an appointment with my new therapist on Monday. But I had one with my last therapist, so when she asked why I had to tell her why. Because I need a second letter for the orchiectomy.

I told her the dysphoria about my testicles was low on my list but has been rising in intensity. All she saw was low on my list. So she said since it was low on my list, then why do it??

Actually this is what she said in an email " I do not support this. I will not pay for it. You said its low on your list.so why do it."

And in a text she said
"  I sat on the couch with you the other day. I never heard this mentioned. "

I think we will eventually work this out. But she was pretty pissed that night. Slamming doors and cussing. Which I don't blame her. I could have done things better. But her reaction is why I have a hard time telling her anything.

I did have a couple good things happen this week. Or at least felt good to me.  I'll post below. Thanks for listening.

Well. I saw my second therapist on Monday and of. Purse she will give me a letter for my orchiectomy. But she said I had to tell my wife. Which I did and that blew up in my face.

But I wore a bra out in public for the first time. I don't really like to where them but it has come to my attention that I need to wear one now. So just over 5 weeks in and I need a bra. Wow!! The only thing that covered me up that day was a hockey jersey. And when I took that off my therapist said you cant hide those anymore. Yay

Then the next day I tried on this bra that I've had for over 3 years and this is the bra I told myself when I fit in this I need to start wearing them. And it fits quite well. It is an A CUP. A little big for an A CUP. Because I have padded B's and C's that fit me right now.

So 1 thing I was wondering is about boob growth. I know mileage may vary but I was wanting to know if they grow constantly at the same rate or do they grow, then stop for a while then grow again and so on.

Hey
I'm sorry about your situation at home. It seems difficult. I can imagine how difficult it would be living with someone who doesn't understand or support your decisions. I've been lucky with my partner. I disclosed all my mental health <censored> before we were a thing. So she knew she was gonna be with a huge mess of a person from the start, she was there for me when i discovered my gender dysphoria and we are still in a strong relationship. I'm sorry your wife isn't 100% onboard.
You don't need to answer, i don't want to be rude or anything but is there a mutual want to be together still and love for each other?
One thing i can advise on....boobs!
Yas. Mine have been growing in small bursts since starting HrT 8 months ago. I'm up to an 36A, nearly B now. Mine grow over a couple of days and then stop/slow for a while. Some nights i'll be like wow, and they'll have grown a bit since the night before. Also note my boobs have been sore and tender for the full 8 months!

Jessica

Thanks for the reply Jessica, it means a lot. We do love each other. And I know this little bump might just be her lack of not knowing what would happen with the orchiectomy. There really would be no change. They are not descended anymore. So it's just a formality. Kind of. Probably scary for her because she might be thinking. One step closer to srs. But I am not even considering that at the moment. But it's the talking to her that is so hard. I don't like hurting her.

I am tired of being alone. Just so tired of it. Disabled and trans don't mix that well.

Depends on what you are looking for in the way of company. The odds are that there is a transgender group that meets near you if you are able to get out and about. If your mobility is somewhat limited, Skype is a great way to communicate with others. I have been using Skype with Mariah for about a year and a half and I think this is the longest period of time I have had limited contact with her as she is moving to a different state. Today we had a short chat with me at home and her in the moving truck near Sacramento. We aren't that far from Dick Tracy's wrist TV.

And one other thing. Skype will do conference calls so the more the merrier.

Hey

I'm wondering if some articles would help her. In my experience it helps when people realise we need to be ourselves, that we have to transition and take steps to be ourselves, to be happy/content, to stop feeling so trapped. Too many people think we do this because we want to and that we just woke up one day thinking another gender would be nice. They seem to think it's unnecessary and just a phase. We are just being true to ourselves.

Maybe if she read some articles that portray the truth, she might realise you aren't doing this to hurt anyone.
<Modified, link removed as i don't think the rules here allow>

Also there are loads of documentaries regarding the subject that are really eye opening.
I really hope that given some time she will understand a bit better.
You aren't doing this to hurt her. You didn't ask for any of this.

Hope you're ok, hugs.

Yea, skype is great. I love going to local meetups, you can be yourself without feeling judged and meet new people. I have social anxiety so it's been a slow process but i still really enjoy it.

Jessica

I go to group meetings. And it is fun to open up. And actually I surprised everyone that I have told that the last group meeting I went to I was a Chatty Cathy. Problem is. No matter how much everyone says no politics they still get brought up and I am usually on the other side if I was to say anything. So again alone while being around people. I can talk to my therapist anytime buy phone and I see her once a week. I am sure eventually I will meet someone who will be that best friend I need. I want that person who I can call or text or meet with at anytime when something great happens and a literal shoulder to cry on when I am having a bad day. I am in Southern California for gods sake. It should not be that hard to find another MTF trans person who gets it and may want to hang out.

So it seems like everything is back to normal with my wife. She put her hand on my shoulder while I was asleep before she left to work. Sometimes I wake up and other times I stay half asleep. Then she called me while driving to work. And she only calls when she knows I'm awake. So she is back to normal. And it is like it always is. Get mad. Don't say anything about it. Hope it will go away. And then act like it did.

Also when asked my wife says she's already read everything about my "condition" She has gone to therapy with me about 4 times. She definitely won't go back to our last therapist. She said that one was telling us that we are doomed to break up. I never heard it that way but she did so can't go back there. Not sure if I even want to do couples therapy with her again.

The thing is with my wife I have it better than some do, so I feel like I should not complain. I can wear what ever I want around the house. Even in front of her. I can get fully dressed make up and etc...... if I want when going to group. I basically can do what I want when she is not going to be with me. But no surgery will be approved by her. So no face, no lipo fat transfer. No boob job if they stop growing. So if I go further than her boundaries, that's when I run the risk of losing her. So I am planning on a future without her. I will be starting a business or going back to work in about a year. So I just have to last that long or until I have a decent income. Disability will not cut it. I love her no matter what. She is a good person. She deserves better than this. But in someway I feel blessed I am with her. It could be worse.

Hey

I know how you feel with the whole alone while surrounded by people situation.
I sit in the corner of the meeting afraid to talk because on my social anxiety. A lot of the people are a good bit younger and talking about school problems. I have no input or else i'm to anxious to say anything.
Being surrounded by friends and family often leaves me feeling completely alone and empty. I too am yet to make any friends at the meet ups. Very few people even ask how I am any more. I usually end up saying 'not too bad', or 'fine' because i feel there's no point telling them as they won't understand or be able to relate. I feel so alone and unique...in a bad way. I can't work, given my current mental health situation, all my friends work so I spend most of my week alone.

Quote from: Norma Lynne on January 27, 2017, 11:07:24 AM
I basically can do what I want when she is not going to be with me. But no surgery will be approved by her.

Can you go out with her wearing anything you want? When you're working again and earning, I see no reason she could object. It wouldn't be costing her.

Jessica

Quote from: JessicaK on January 27, 2017, 12:23:36 PM

Can you go out with her wearing anything you want? When you're working again and earning, I see no reason she could object. It wouldn't be costing her.

Actually no. Can't wear anything with her. But if she is not going I can wear anything. When I am with her it has to be boy type clothing. That's why I could not understand her objection to me wearing capris. I only wear women's clothing. Except for all the t-shirts I wear. Otherwise women's jeans and shorts. I have one pair of men's sandals and some converse. (Which are unisex) except maybe the one pair that's pink with white stars.

And around the house I can dress how I want. But tend to boy it down because I don't want the looks or etc. but she never really says anything. And told me around the house I can wear what I want.

Even if I dressed how I felt. I would still be the old guy in a dress. Or like when I'm out with her I'm the old guy with a purse. And funny she lets me carry a purse. But as long as it's not feminine. I have this army green nautica purse. That she is fine with.

I am kind of wondering what her reaction is going to be when I order a wig. And/or put on some makeup before a group meeting.

My wife just told me that when I brought up the orchiectomy it scared her. But I explained to her that there would be no changes in appearance once I was healed. And explained the health benefits not taking that extra pill. I have chronic pain. And I take a lot of pain meds. So I need to eliminate as many pills as possible. Then she tells me that our insurance has a lifetime maximum that they will pay. So now I have to climb that hurdle. What I read is that the lifetime stuff was eliminated. And with the ACA, there should not be one. But with the ACA being repealed I don't know what's right and what's wrong. I will have to make a call on Monday to get clarification. I think I might be able to talk her into it either way. Let's hope.

Oh insurance nightmares. I found reading my employer provided insurance closely that the policy specifically excludes any transgender services. The state I live in says that is illegal. The ACA says that is illegal. The one hope I have is the line that says "except where required by law". My state requires insurance coverage for transgender insurance services under the antidescrimination laws.

I know I'm in for a battle. I'm expecting it just for the endo visit coming up.

Hey
I'm sorry you're having insurance problems. I hope you get some good news about it tomorrow. I'm in a tight financial situation myself and I know how it feels having to rely on the company's. I'm lucky in a way because of the NHS but that still leaves me on lengthy waiting lists and some basic procedures along with required real life experience (which can take years) for most of the <censored>. I can't work due to mental health problems and my car insurance has more than doubled following a change of address...which was necessary for my mental health. Sorry to hear you are in pain a lot of the time.

Hope you get sorted soon.
How was your week?

Jessica

Quote from: JessicaK on January 29, 2017, 11:55:16 AM
How was your week?

Jessica

This week? Kind of a blur right now. Monday had a good session with my old therapist. I love her for what she has done for me and she said she will wright me a letter for my orchiectomy. She is one of the best when it comes to transgender. That is her specialty. I moved and it was feeling like there was not much else she could do for me. She requires, every week. When I was needing once or twice a month so I had to find another. If anybody needs a recommendation in Orange County California let me know.

That night was the fight with my wife. So it sucked.
Tuesday not much better. I don't Even remember Wednesday.
Thursday was my meeting with my new therapist she rocks as well. She is in the inland empire her in California so if you need a recommendation let me know. She will also write me a letter for my orchiectomy.

Thursday night I started getting pain in my so called good ankle that by Friday left me unable to move. And with the spirolactone making me pee non stop. It was hell trying to get to the bathroom 5 times before I went to sleep and 3 times in the middle of the night. I am hoping it is the spirolactone that is causing it. So when I do get my orchiectomy I won't have to pee that much.

So Friday, Saturday and today my right ankle causeing me not to be able to do much. But it is feeling better. So hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling ok. My wife is leaving for 4 days to bad noneof you guys live close. We could have a slumber party. Lol.

Thing is it is hard for me to know where I stand with her. It's like nothing happened. Like right now we are just talking like nothing is wrong. Like nothing happened. Sitting outside while wearing a pair of tights, a camisole and her shorts I stole from her. Lol. This year she gave me full control over finances. Now I pay all the bills and etc.... Like nothing's wrong, like I am definitely gonna be around for a while. While she is gone for Atlanta I will be making her doctors appointments for her and etc...... I don't know where I am going with this. But it is what's on my mind at the moment.

Hey

Sounds like you had a difficult week. Hopefully this week goes better.
I spent the whole of last week in full depression - numb to the world mode. Seems to be lifting a bit now.

Quote from: Norma Lynne on January 30, 2017, 09:35:45 AM
Thing is it is hard for me to know where I stand with her. It's like nothing happened. Like right now we are just talking like nothing is wrong. Like nothing happened. Sitting outside while wearing a pair of tights, a camisole and her shorts I stole from her. Lol. This year she gave me full control over finances. Now I pay all the bills and etc.... Like nothing's wrong, like I am definitely gonna be around for a while. While she is gone for Atlanta I will be making her doctors appointments for her and etc...... I don't know where I am going with this. But it is what's on my mind at the moment.

Sounds like you're supporting her a lot and not getting much in return? I can imagine it's frustrating when you have to try talking to her and then she pretends nothing has happened. I found (with my parents) having a discussion rather than an argument seems to help a bit. Write down some things you need to say and reasons why. Give her time to ask questions and encourage them to allow her to understand the situation better.
Just my 2 cents

Jessica x

Thank you Jessica. This week sucks in a different way. She is out of town and I have not been out of bed for 2 days. So depressed. Arg!