I must first acknowledge how much I have enjoyed reading many of the helpful threads on this Forum. I am aware that many of you give a lot of your time to making sure this place runs so smoothly and I appreciate the generous and helpful spirit of this place.

So a little bit about me...

Encouraged by my wife I re-engaged with therapy some 14 years after I first did therapy. There were certain things I was not prepared to speak about the first time around before but I finally found the courage to face what I saw, up until recently, as 'my demons'.

I had huge internal shame of my desire to cross dress and thought there may be more to it than just wearing lingerie and dolling myself up. I have come to accept that there is no sin in this and, for me at least, that is a major step forward in itself. However, my desires to cross dress and indeed fantasise about living as a woman have made me think that I could be transexual rather than merely fall under the transgender umbrella.

Recently it was suggested that it was always an option to start hormones. Now unlike some of the girls here, I actually find this a daunting prospect as well as an exciting one. Suddenly it is all becoming very real. Despite spending a considerable amount of time living in a fantasy world imagining myself as a women (from a physical, emotional and sexual standpoint) I am nevertheless reasonably happy with the male me. I don't dislike like my body parts, but rather think the alternative possibilities are just more appealing, at least on a fantasy level - and it is this, rather than an explicit physical body dysforia which has cost me so much peace of mind.

I am intrigued though to read many of the comments about HRT in regard to easing the dysforia we suffer from. Would starting HRT give me the peace of mind I crave or does it open up another Pandora's box, that is to say, the very real possibility of a full transition and the monumental changes that such an undertaking involves?

Anyway, thanks for reading this, and I would be grateful for any members feedback who might have been where I am today.

Yanira x

Hi and welcome!

It's great that you are in therapy and working on these thoughts and feelings together with someone else, in my opinion that is a very wise place to start. Can't say I have much experience that would be of help to you, I haven't really been able to come to terms with living as a male so all the way has been the right thing for me -I really hope that you will be able to find what is right for you, be they fantasy or reality.

I would definitely take it slow though, considering you seem quite unsure about what you may want and how far to go. Don't rush into something irreversible that you may end up regretting! Regardless of the path you end up chosing, best of luck to you on your journey <3

Yanira,
   Hi! Welcome and thanks for sharing a part of your story. Therapy is smart. I don't know if it means anything about your status that you are intimidated about considering a big life change. It is scary for anyone. If  you find you are driven to transition to any degree, your motivation can make you do things that you think are impossible from where you sit right now. I never thought transition was in the cards for me, but here I am. I think you have to figure yourself out as far as needs go and then go from there. It may involve a bit of experimentation and real life experiences to see how you feel about things.
    I have a question about your cross dressing. I would be driven to cross dress throughout  my pretransition life. I was drawn to do it, it was pleasurable (that's why it is so hard to resist), but it was never satisfying. I knew there was something missing that clothes alone could not fix. Are you satisfied to just take some time to dress, or does it leave you wanting something else?
   As far as HRT goes, think it though with the therapist. It might be helpful to think of it as a potential tool if things go that far that might help you figure things out. You don't have to stay on them if you find it is wrong for you.
   Probably the best advice I could give you is to not run from this. These feelings never go away. Figure out your needs. There are many folks who don't change their life much at all. It is such a waste going down  the path of denial in my opinion.
   See you around. My name is Moni. Nice to meet you.

Quote from: Floof on January 31, 2017, 09:56:24 AM
Hi and welcome!

It's great that you are in therapy and working on these thoughts and feelings together with someone else, in my opinion that is a very wise place to start. Can't say I have much experience that would be of help to you, I haven't really been able to come to terms with living as a male so all the way has been the right thing for me -I really hope that you will be able to find what is right for you, be they fantasy or reality.

I would definitely take it slow though, considering you seem quite unsure about what you may want and how far to go. Don't rush into something irreversible that you may end up regretting! Regardless of the path you end up chosing, best of luck to you on your journey <3

Hi Floof

Thank you for taking the time to write back. Your advice is sound and duly noted!

All the best,

Yanira x

Quote from: HappyMoni on January 31, 2017, 01:52:54 PM
Yanira,
   Hi! Welcome and thanks for sharing a part of your story. Therapy is smart. I don't know if it means anything about your status that you are intimidated about considering a big life change. It is scary for anyone. If  you find you are driven to transition to any degree, your motivation can make you do things that you think are impossible from where you sit right now. I never thought transition was in the cards for me, but here I am. I think you have to figure yourself out as far as needs go and then go from there. It may involve a bit of experimentation and real life experiences to see how you feel about things.
    I have a question about your cross dressing. I would be driven to cross dress throughout  my pretransition life. I was drawn to do it, it was pleasurable (that's why it is so hard to resist), but it was never satisfying. I knew there was something missing that clothes alone could not fix. Are you satisfied to just take some time to dress, or does it leave you wanting something else?
   As far as HRT goes, think it though with the therapist. It might be helpful to think of it as a potential tool if things go that far that might help you figure things out. You don't have to stay on them if you find it is wrong for you.
   Probably the best advice I could give you is to not run from this. These feelings never go away. Figure out your needs. There are many folks who don't change their life much at all. It is such a waste going down  the path of denial in my opinion.
   See you around. My name is Moni. Nice to meet you.

Hi Moni

Thank you for taking the time to write a lengthy and thought provoking response.

To flesh out my story a little I did have the occasional childhood wish to be a girl, such as seeing a picture of Princesses in history books in their pretty clothes and wishing to wear a headband of a female cousin. I also once tried on my mother's tights but somehow knew 'it was wrong'!

The reality of my childhood years was that I had very little opportunity to spend time with girls. My schooling was predominantly male only and I felt confused as to my sexual orientation during my teenage years. In my late teens and early 20's I started to develop desires to be female and wear female clothes. However it took me another 15 years or so before I began to act out on those fantasies in any way.

It is now an open secret between myself and the SO and I have to say after some initial discomfort on the matter she has been as reasonable and understanding as I could hope someone to be. Anyway, I have digressed somewhat. ..

I have indulged in visiting people who MtF makeovers and have gone out for dinner and been referred to as Miss and have to say I found it joyous. Of course to get to that point involved a lot of baby steps along the way. I now have a few dresses at home, which me and the SO have picked in the sales and am learning the DIY approach to feminine beauty.

I realise as I am writing this that I am still struggling to answer your question. What I do know is that I feel a tiny bit sad when a night out 'en femme' is over.  Although I am fortunate to have sleight features and feel that I am passable from a glance, I am also aware that the illusion is just that, an illusion indeed. So yes, I do feel something is missing and that the experience of just cross dressing is lacking in something. I can describe it as opening a door to a magic world only to be pulled back outside just as you are beginning to find your way around this alternate but appealing parrallel reality. At the same time I do have to say that when I look at my birth body I am not disgusted by it in any way.

Anyway thanks again for your warm welcome.

Yanira x

Yanira,
   It sounds like you have a lot to learn about yourself and what these feelings mean. Everyone is different even though there are a lot of similarities to what people experience. It can be hard to separate out shame or embarrassment when trying to self access. These are powerful and can distort our truth. Society does a number on us with the guilt thing. You may also find that your place on the trans spectrum may evolve over time. I kept a lid on being transgender over 50 years. I thought it would just die out eventually. For me, the feelings only increased. So far I have yet to find anyone talk about the feelings disappearing. Don't mean to scare you.
   It sounds hopeful with your SO. I have stayed with my wife. I told her (as I understood it then) from the beginning. SO's tend  to get angry when they are out of the loop and find out later. Of course, for some, they want no part of any of it as soon as they are told. I personally like the honest respectful approach. Well, I am getting long winded again. I have been home sick for two days  and I get diarrhea of the typing fingers. I hope you have some fun with your explorations.
Moni

Welcome to Susan's Place. HRT, while it will help control your dysphoria, it's not going to change how you feel about yourself or how you think. Unfortunately there is a fly in the ointment which is your comfort with your self may make a full transition more attractive. Nobody can say how you will feelings will change as you move forward but there are a couple of links about that topic. Read them and judge for yourself.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207785.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html

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I can only speak for myself but HRT did reduce my dysphoria a WHOLE lot.  In fact, it's hardly ever noticeable anymore.  It straightened out my mind in a few ways including curing a bad chronic depression and increasing clarity of thought and focus.

However, it also made me look quite a bit different and people do notice.  Those changes were welcome and I think are a big reason the dysphoria has stayed so very low for so long.  If you cannot live comfortably with that or will feel you will need to hide it then it might cause some distress.

Other changes you can expect are a greatly reduced sex drive (a bonus) and somewhat reduced physical capacity.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Hi Yanira 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M