Always such a personal topic, revealing vulnerabilities, strengths, commitment and/or obstinancy...
Some hold on to the first voice the learned with defiance, other reject the same with repugnance, some easily find a new voice, others struggle onward with no such luck, some choose surgical interventions, some tough it out through therapy and practice, and finally achieve that which sounds the way they feel they should sound...
I find the whole topic and all the variations of experience simply facscinating...
Why?
Well, funny you should ask, lol..
Because I have multiple personality disorder. And though I am recently recovered from many years of constant, florid dissociations, I, well, 'we', all have voices of our own. Man voices, woman voices, teen voices, girl voices, child voices, and 'my' voice, the default voice that my core personality, 'me', 'learned', just like everybody else here learned theirs...
When I first de-transitioned from my forced FTM state of being, I was actually experiencing my life vicariously, as a silent pseudo-alter, silent, as were all the adult alters, and the first best voices used after going full-time, were those of small girls, 7 years of age, and her twin, a 6 year old. And then, their 14 year old big sister started speaking. They passed flawlessly, because they ARE female. Weird how perfectly obvious one's gender is and how immediately convincing one is, when one knows their intrinsic experience as well as a personality knows itself.
My then current dominant alter was a thirty-something woman, and she also 'passed' without a problem. The dominant alter before her, she/he is an hermaphrodite. This alter struggled and was gendered male more often than female. Her/his self-concept betrayed a lack of 'full womanhood' and she/he was clockable.
All of my infant and child and teen alters up to 15 years old, were girls. None of them ever had a problem being misgendered as male, never, not once.
Buuuut, all alters between 15 until the hermaphrodite and the thirty-something later, were males. And if they spoke up, at first, they were instantly clocked as males, and the whole system 'took the hit', as they might say. So, the dominant alter mandated, no pun intended, that they remain silent until HRT changed our body and brain sufficiently to allow them to access female speech patterns and to relent male syntax. They remained silent, mostly, until just last summer, when, one by one, they re-emerged, as fully transitioned MTF personalities. Fun stuff, huh? They still had to 'work' to stay in the female range and to forego past speech habits, but they now felt that being female was real, and that doing the whole female voice thing was the right and proper thing to do. So, they did it. All 19 of them...
Jump to early last December, when I, the original core personality, began to stir down in the rabbit hole, and I began to realize that I wasn't just another alter, I was the owner of this body, and something horrid had disabled my ability to function. I had a severe seizure 7 years ago while down-titrating off an 8 mg a day prescription Xanax addiction. My central corridor went dark, and my others eventually rose up, and ran the whole show.
When I stirred, and found my way out, I awoke fully de-transitioned, with a woman's body, as in breasts, a vagina, and all the beauty I didn't ever expect to have...
But, I hadn't learned to speak as a woman. And I wasn't sure if I really even wanted to learn, I already had a voice I was fond of, so why should I?
Well, I learned right away why. Because my original voice was a man's voice. I was no longer a man. Everything was now female, and when I used my man voice, it was distressing to the people I loved. It was distressing to all my alters, who though were now quietly witnessing without interfering, I could feel their grief and dysphoria returning. And, when I looked in the mirror, and spoke as I had pre-de-transition, it was disturbing, even to me. And I realized, that if I did not stop, I was going to undermine the wonderful life that now spread out before me. So, I have been vigilant, and determined, and constant. My others have experience speaking sooo splendidly, and if I relax, and quiet my mind, I can 'remember' how they spoke, and use their voices as I am trying to find my own..
Confusing? Ha! Not really, not for me, but I bet it seems so from the outside, looking in...
It has been just a bit less than two months since I took back control of my executive functions, and I am learning every day. Learning about who I really am, what I really am, and how to go about being both...
So, to wrap up my little novel here, do I fear that my original voice will give me away?
Yes, I do. Perhaps when singing spontaneously, or when I stub a toe, or when I orgasm, or whenever. And, yes, it is a pain in the butt to stay on top of what comes out of my mouth, even though I 'know' exactly how to speak as a woman speaks. But I get lazy, or distracted, and I drop down toward my fundamental pitch, the one created by testosterone poisoning, not by nature, and I have to catch myself. And this is new, for me, weirdly, after almost four years of passing without a problem, suddenly, I am capable of blowing it, in a big way, at any time...
I will keep at it, and do the best I can, but I will have my vocal cords tightened someday, so I cannot make such an error with pitch, and I can relax a bit more. The other stuff, I know how to handle, but just like all the T damage done to my body, this too must be repaired. I must be heard as I truly am. I must make it so...
Missy
