Asche. I just want to say you are not alone. I have a history too from child abuse, being rejected and being depressed and suicidal.

That is something you need to work with a therapist. I've struggled for 20 years to trust other people, to trust myself, it is a journey you need to make. Don't rush it though, better take it slow and steady.

If you build a house fast and sloppy it will crumble in the first storm. Same thing with your soul. The house is you.

There is good help to get with PTSD and sleeping problems.

I had a really hard time in my therapy session last night.  On the way over, I was getting EFBs (emotional flashbacks) like crazy.  I would have this urge to shake my head or my arms until it hurt.  Fortunately, I didn't run off the road.

I was having the EFBs during the session, shaking my arms really hard.  She kept asking me where in my body I was feeling things, and I had a hard time answering -- I guess I'm not conscious of my body when these things are going on.  I kept curling up and shaking, like I was expecting to get hit.  I'd brought my (3 foot tall) teddy bear (name: Bärli or Barely), and I was clutching him really hard and burying my face in his fur.  I don't remember it all, but I remember I started crying, only it wasn't any kind of release.  I was feeling so bad I couldn't hold it in, but it was like I was being squeezed out the tip of a squeeze bottle of ketchup, like each tear was a drop of my blood being squeezed through my skin.  I can't say that I felt much better after it was over, I just felt beaten down and glad it was over.

And I'm still having EFBs.

Sometimes, therapy just sucks.


But all this time, a song has been going through my head, at least when I'm not EFBing.  (I was going to attach it to my last post, but I forgot.)

Quote
...

I've got troubles, whoa oh
I've got worries, whoa oh
I've got wounds to bind.

But I've got a feeling
down in my shoes
way down in my shoes.

I've gotta ramble whoa oh
Gotta get a move on, whoa oh
Gotta walk away my blues.

For better or worse, the sun rises every day.  And shines on the just and the unjust.

Hey Sweetie!

Barely sounds like an awesome pal, yay for da bear!

Gawd allmitey, hun, I used to have all kinds of psychogenic non-epileptic seizures, especially during and after my trauma sessions. Our bodies remember what our minds still cannot bring forth, and gosh, that is a very, very tough place to be. I am so sorry you are in that phase, it takes a LOT of fortitude to keep at it, yes it does. I dunno how I managed, nor how anybody manages, but somehow, we do. And we have to, peace is on the other side of these mountains, so we march upward and onward, eh?

Just wanted you to know somebody out here can relate and empathize...

I'd give you a cyber-hug, but I bet you've had enough squeezing for now, so I'll just send my love and positive, healing vibes your way...

Hope you feel better soon!!!

Missy