I am new to the site, however my SO (who is FTM) has been on for quite a while and introduced me to the SO forum.

tl;dr - I'm super scared about my boyfriend's surgery coming up, but don't feel like I am justified to feel the way I do. Has anyone felt this way before and/or experienced this before?

We just found out that he has a date set for his first surgery, and while I am extremely happy as he has been waiting for this for years, I am also completely terrified. I wanted to rejoice and celebrate with him when he found out, but I just felt completely overwhelmed.

Another half of me feels like I am being completely selfish and that I am not justified to feel scared or isolated in this situation. We are also very private about his transition and only a few people around us know, so I don't have many people to talk to about this. (Possibly making me feel more isolated.) I'm feeling really conflicted and just want to know I'm not putting him through more by feeling scared. I want to be there for him completely but feel like my feelings of doubt and uncertainty are holding me back.

Am I justified to feel this way? Or am I completely over-reacting?

Hello and welcome to the Place Kate.  Thank you for being a supportive partner to your guy.  I trust another SO and a moderator will be along sometime.

I suggest it is completely reasonable to be concerned about your boyfriend having a serious surgery.  While I don't want to add to your worries, any surgical consent form he will sign suggests complications are possible.

What scares you about this procedure?  Is it the final results that you doubt or the usual healing, recovery and risks?

My partner is also a very private person but we both recognize it is critically important to share our concerns.  We have been on opposite ends at times.  I was euphoric about starting HRT while she acknowledged support and a deep sense of loss and some grieving for the man she knew and the way things were. 

It is completely valid to have worries, doubts and concerns and to share them even if we, the ones in transition, have to step off of our happy cloud and hear you.

Kate,

Welcome to the site.

Sorry it took us a few days to get back to you. Our significant others area is usually busier than this. I imagine another will come along soon.

I totally agree with TessaJames. I think worry is normal. You feel what you feel. I assume he would appreciate that you worry about him. It's okay to be both happy and worried about the same thing.

Have you talked to your guy about it? I would also suggest you find a therapist. There is a saying that it is not just the trans person who is transitioning. My wife has a therapist and can talk about her feelings about me in a way where she does not have to feel selfish or make me feel badly. We eventually talk about everything. That is the key that has kept us together so far.

I hope that helps some.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

You are totally justified in feeling this way. I was in a similar situation with my fiancé and about a month before his phalloplasty surgery we started telling my close family and friends about his transition.

There is a fine line between being private and feeling like you are keeping a huge secret.  When it started to feel shameful, is when we decided to come out to more people.

I didn't see what type of surgery your BF is having, but trust me you will need a lot of support and have a whirlwind of emotions.  If it's bottom surgery, the recovery is intense and he will need to rely heavily on you (we are about a week post op).  Personally, I found it best to share all my feelings with my fiancé. He understands that this isn't just about him.


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