I would just like to know that I am not weird.  When I have tried to dress in women's clothes, I find myself disgusted at the "man in women's clothes."  It makes me feel worse about myself.  I am not questioning whether I am trans, but I can'tell stand to look at myself wearing women's clothes and I hate my male body.

I can't wait to start hrt because of how "right" I felt when I was taking phytoestrogen.  I just want to know that I am not alone feeling like this.

Thanks.

When I first started HRT I felt that way, too. Dressing as a woman just made my testosterone corrupted body more obvious to me. It didn't take too terribly long after HRT started for that to turn around and then dressing male started really bothering me.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on February 02, 2017, 02:46:46 PM
When I first started HRT I felt that way, too. Dressing as a woman just made my testosterone corrupted body more obvious to me. It didn't take too terribly long after HRT started for that to turn around and then dressing male started really bothering me.

That's eases my mind a bit.  Thank you.  I know how you feel.  I see myself in women's clothes and all I see is "him."  Then I get even more depressed.

I have to be honest. There was an in between time when I didn't look right to myself either way. I got through it with gender neutral clothes.

Yes, I always feel a bit upset when people say how wearing women's clothes makes them feel right. Most of the time for me it just makes me more aware of how my body is the wrong shape. Though I'm not on HRT, I imagine that would help a lot.

Oh, it does! As my shape has progressed I take increasing delight in how I look in women's clothing. I don't even own any men's clothing anymore. I do own some pre-HRT t-shirts.

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I think I know the feeling.

When I was normally presenting as male, and occasionally cross-dressing as female, I really still identified as a male and didn't want to accept that I was a transgender person.  While I felt relief when dressing as female, there was considerable conflict at seeing the "dude in a dress" in the mirror.  That definitely did not help, and seemed to intensify my depression, particularly when I changed back to male presentation.

As I learned more about my nature, I came to accept the reason why I felt better when I presented female, that I was just matching my presentation and deep seated gender identity, and I slowly came to accept myself.  Unfortunately, THIS also intensified my depression when I had to leave myself behind and switch to a male presentation.  The effect became severe as I spent more time as Michelle, to the point where when I had to put myself away and pretend to be him, I often found myself curled up in a ball on my office sofa, sobbing to myself  for a while each time I changed.  HRT didn't really improve this aspect of my life.

That pain is completely gone now that I am full time as myself.  Between HRT and living my life on my own terms, I am much healthier and happier now.


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Let me think a minute, it has been more than half a decade since I was in that situation..

Ok, long before I knew I was actually female, I would periodically put on a piece of my ex-spouse's clothing on occasion, and pleasure myself, eek, and the results were always powerful orgasms and self-loathing..

If I was alone, though, and had the time and privacy, I could put on a skirt, and clean the whole house, and do traditional female work, and feel wonderful, and relaxed, and be very efficient. At one point, ten years before my diagnosis, I was convinced that if I could just wear women's clothing, I would finally find peace, but my ex came home from vacation, and that was the end of that, back to furtive, occasional release and guilt/shame.

On rare occasion, I would piece together a full set of female items and try to put on makeup, which always looked horrid, but if I squinted my eyes, I could imagine I looked okay. Then came the sexual release, and the whole self-loathing, and purging of the evidence.

After my initial 'trans' diagnosis, before my XX intersex reality and past history came out, I had the green light to experiment with female attire. I was then able to see my femaleness through the ugly male features, and then came even bigger sexual release, but now came fear of what it meant, not guilt and shame.

So, I ended up doing very little female dressing until after about 14 month of HRT, after I broke up with my ex, and went full-time. The incongruity just made my skin crawl. By that time, wearing male stuff was cross-dressing, and THAT made my skin crawl even worse, and since I was being gendered female in them in public anyway, they made me feel super creepy, so off to Goodwill all that crap went. It broke my ex's heart to see years of Christmas and birthday gifted male items tossed away like garbage, but I had to be free of all that, it made me super dysphoric to have any of it in my closet. That whole transitional stage was very rough emotionally, for both her and me. I wish with all my heart I could have shielded her from that pain. I really did. Hurting her and losing her was my biggest transition regret, but lying to her all those years still nags at me. I am trying to forgive myself, but it is hard..

Missy

When I was a teenager (decades ago) I tried cross dressing a couple of times, and both times I had this terrible feeling of dissonance looking at myself in a mirror. I figured it just wasn't my thing, and it was only a few years ago I realized it was disphoria. That appalling wrongness wasn't the clothes, it was me.

I can only wonder what life would have been like if I'd realized I was trans back then, but I had such mild feelings it wasn't normally noticable. Pity it didn't stay that way.

I eased into my feminine presentation over years, so i never really got the shock of the change. When i did start my transition there were things that were new to me and made me feel nervous. The first times wearing dresses/skirts in public for instance.

Makeup was one that frustrated me, my natural inclination is to go pretty light with it but without electrolysis or help from lasers, i saw some stubble staring back at me. Gradually i learned to get over that to the point i don't think about it and do look forward to getting it zapped some day.

The other thing that really helped my comfort level, and this is probably going to sound strange, was when i threw out all remaining male clothes. This sort of "burning the ships" moment made me commit to finding a style i was comfortable with and not having any male clothing in my wardrobe, forced me to use the clothing i had and then i quickly settled on a style i liked. My style is not overly feminine in my opinion, but think skinny jeans, boots or sandals and a variety of tops and you have a picture. Nobody says we have to go the extreme, unless we love that sort of style.

Having dressed in private initially as part of sex play and immediately finding that made me feel better about myself was part of discovery that I'm trans and ever since it's been mostly a relief from dysphoria.

It stopped being a relief and became dysphoric when I realized not transitioning had brought me back to being depressed. On beginning to address that it again became a net positive until I started HRT and then transition seemed so far off that dressing became dysphoric again - which doesn't mean I stopped, just it was the least painful route.

Now that I'm decided and GCS is just 3 months away, it's a bit mixed. I can't afford the wardrobe I'd like and yet dressing remains a must-do and mostly lessens dysphoria. I recognize it's a partial measure toward where I'd really like to be, sometimes it reminds me of how far there still is to go, still, it's the necessary option and compared to pre-transition I'm actively maximizing my non passing but still femme appearance out in the world.

Thank you all for your candid responses.  It gives me hope that someday my incongruity will fade.  I am closer to starting hrt...probably within the next two months.

The caterpillar is about to enter the chrysalis...

Quote from: NikkiB51 on February 07, 2017, 12:37:38 PM
The caterpillar is about to enter the chrysalis...

May your metamorphical slumber serve you well, young butterfly!

Missy

I crossdress every day to look male,my favorite times is when I can dress as myself and let my hair down.

I'm actually transitioning, but thought I'd give my two cents. Certain aspects of dressing help my dysphoria and others seems to make it worse. Personally, I hate referring to it as cross dressing because nothing feels in the least bit "cross" about it. When I'm around the house I always wear women's clothing now days and even when I'm out I'm always in women's underwear and usually a tank top or cami beneath my boy clothes. But when I dress I'm acutely aware of my body hair, so I practically always feel the need to shave my body (usually twice per week but I've been getting a little lazy and trying to force myself to deal with just once or just shaving the vital zones in-between full body shaves like hitting my chest & armpits.) My wig is what ends up causing me the most problems with my dysphoria. It's impossible for me to stop thinking about my own thinning hair while I'm wearing the damn thing, even though once I add a little makeup I'm basically totally passable. The worst part about dressing while I'm this early in transition is that it's only part time and every time I go back to boy mode or even just remove the wig, I get slammed with a wave of dysphoria that practically screams at me that I will never truly see the woman I am looking back at me when I look in the mirror.

Rambler, that 'slam' of dysphoria when I had to switch to male presentation was absolutely the worst.  I'm full time now, and it is a massive relief to know that I don't have to do that again. 

I use wigs, and I found that I rapidly adjusted to them, and as a full time person, I never take it off except for sleeping and a few seconds when changing clothes.  I find that I avoid looking towards any mirrors when it is off.  It goes on my head as soon as I get up (like, in 30 seconds).  I have a favorite style that, when I put it on, gives me a happy feeling of "Oh, THERE I am!" looking in the mirror.  Yes, I have two of these and a third very similar in color and length but 'dressier', and an older gray haired one I often wear just around the house.

We just do what we have to do to get by.


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Quote from: Michelle_P on February 09, 2017, 03:07:00 PM
Rambler, that 'slam' of dysphoria when I had to switch to male presentation was absolutely the worst.  I'm full time now, and it is a massive relief to know that I don't have to do that again. 

I use wigs, and I found that I rapidly adjusted to them, and as a full time person, I never take it off except for sleeping and a few seconds when changing clothes.  I find that I avoid looking towards any mirrors when it is off.  It goes on my head as soon as I get up (like, in 30 seconds).  I have a favorite style that, when I put it on, gives me a happy feeling of "Oh, THERE I am!" looking in the mirror.  Yes, I have two of these and a third very similar in color and length but 'dressier', and an older gray haired one I often wear just around the house.

We just do what we have to do to get by.


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It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling like that. I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm doing like everything in the book to turn my hair loss around but it's easier said than done, even when I can see signs of new growth. I just need to keep on being patient and try not to scrutinize over every individual follicle Everytime I pass a mirror. Hopefully things will be better after I'm able to start HRT.

It did for me.  I did limited crossdressing for over 20 years and was nearly always alone and private.  While I felt compelled to dress i would very often find myself in misery about how bad i actually looked.  Mirrors!  Oh I avoided them but the gauzy window reflections were ok.  Purchasing accessories, like expensive breast forms, only accentuated my feelings of being fake.  Dressing was never enough and I frequently purged and repressed the memories to the point that i simply forgot how long i had been at it till talking with a gender therapist.  CD works great for some but I desperately needed to feel real.  Oh do i treasure transition!

Thank you, Tessa.  I feel exactly the same way.  In a way, it is what led me tof my current understanding of my needs.  Dressing didn't help because I wast not authentic.  I was "fake."  Yes, I could look through slitted eyes and pretend, but I could never be myself.  I know hrt will not radically change my face, but it will change my body.  I am working on changing my body before I start hrt.  I am almost below 200 lbs (10 pounds down, 25 - maybe 30 - to go).  On the move....

Quote from: NikkiB51 on February 10, 2017, 02:30:13 PM
Thank you, Tessa.  I feel exactly the same way.  In a way, it is what led me tof my current understanding of my needs.  Dressing didn't help because I wast not authentic.  I was "fake."  Yes, I could look through slitted eyes and pretend, but I could never be myself.  I know hrt will not radically change my face, but it will change my body.  I am working on changing my body before I start hrt.  I am almost below 200 lbs (10 pounds down, 25 - maybe 30 - to go).  On the move....

Good for you!  We are watching those numbers on the scale together.  Maintaining a healthy weight has been a greater challenge for me after starting HRT.  Seems I have more appetite but less muscle and aerobic activity...gotta change that and head outside right now!