Hi ladies,

Recently I have been pondering something, and I would like your opinion.

I came out to my wife a few weeks ago. She was very clear to me: "->-bleeped-<- is the only thing I would not ever accept". So that put me in a dilemma: I don't want to leave her, she is the most important thing to me, to the point I was willing to put down my dream of transitioning so that we can "live happily ever after". But, I don't know if I can, or how long I can hold it off until it blows up.
I know her, and I think it is possible that in a few years she may get used to the idea and could be willing to accept the transition. But then I was thinking: If that happens, and this is the thing I wanted the most to happen, transition by her side... would it be fair to transfer the burden to her instead? I would be the one fulfilling my dream, but she would probably lose everyone else, her sex life, virtually give up everything and having to see something that makes her unhappy, seeing her husband turn into her wife...

Am I being too selfish to want her to go through this transition with me? Or, would it be better for everyone if we just part ways? Have anyone of you faced the same dilemma?

You should ask her what she wants. Be open, honest, and communicate; we're just people on the internet and don't have a true understanding of the dynamics you and your wife share. I wish I hadn't pushed my wife; I think we would have both been happier in the long run.

If transitioning is something you want to pursue, tell her. If you don't want her to leave, tell her. Just understand that she knows what is best for her, just as you know what's best for you.


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I have been with my husband since -98. He does not know yet. But soon he will.

I have supressed the real me for over 30 years. I thought 10 years ago that I can handle this, live happily ever after. Forget my needs and focus on family.

BUT to keep getting reminded of who I am not, every day, is painful. I can't force this to go away. Noone can. It is me. I need to be me to be whole.

When I decided to transition, including my then wife was not an option. For some reason, I had to break free. I know that that fateful day I walked out, I was turning my back on her, her family, my financial stability. Sitting in a motel room that night, I thought what the hell did I just do.
First step I took, look for a therapist...and in my city, I was lucky to have a gender therapist. Those therapy sessions were the foundation of what I needed to do.
That was late 2007 and into 2008...and look at me now.
I have a new life, a house again, a new partner. I feel alive, no lying, no hiding....finally being me.

Please don't take my experience as to what you should do. I do recommend talking to someone professionally.

Yes, leave your wife, go to work or talk this over with a friend or therapist and then come home and show her that "she is the most important thing to me". 

How do we do that?  You may "know her" and yet she may surprise you too.  I hope you will give each other plenty of time to digest and discuss what is important to both of you.  If you do go your own ways doing so as people who love one another or can care about each other as friends rather than adversaries could save a lot of grief and $.

We have heard from plenty of once married people who can still be friends and support one another thru tuff stuff.  Transitioning takes focus, self awareness and self acceptance IMO but does not boil down to simple selfishness.   

QuoteShould I leave my wife and start over?

No, not yet, at least.  Everyone needs time to adjust to this.  Both of you do.  It is a marathon, not a sprint.
My wife was not on the bandwagon from the start (far from it!), but she is now.  Not everyone is the same, but you will never know if you kick her to the curb without understanding that it is an adjustment for both of you if you are to stay together.  My wife and I are besties, and lovers, and have been married 26 years now.  If I had knee jerked at her first reaction -within the first month- we likely would not still be together. 

My 0.02¢

I am not going to tell you what you should or should not do.  Only you can decide that.

Neither option is good.  You have to weigh the costs: is the cost of leaving her worse than the cost of postponing or giving up on transition?  Only you can know what those costs are and can weigh them against each other.

If your wife actually said that: "->-bleeped-<- is the only thing I would not ever accept" rather than "Transitioning is the only thing I would not ever accept", then she is saying that she doesn't accept you as yourself.  You can decide not to transition, but none of us can decide not to be transgender.  It's who we are.

It is indeed a more complex question that can be adequately addressed without counseling or therapy. I will say that guilt over her need to change, should be tempered with the understanding that all married folks must face change in their partners. Some changes are small and still get under peoples skin, some changes are large and have to be learn to be dealt with.

They are all correct that you are the only one to say what to do. The only thing I would warn you about is fooling yourself  that these feelings will go away. If you stonewall this issue and pretend it  isn't there you could be 10 years down the road and no longer be able to suppress the feelings. Then it will be even harder for both of you.
If it is possible to work it out, she will need to know everything. You could possibly find your answers (transition or not) together. If it is not possible for things to work  between you two, isn't it better for the split sooner, so you can both get on with your lives.
You have nothing to feel bad about. Being trans is not something you asked for. It is something you are trying to cope with. You are not forcing her to do anything. She is an adult. If you transition, she will make a choice. She has no right to guilt you about it, unless you disrespect her or are insensitive to her feelings.
As far as her proclamation goes, maybe she means it, maybe she doesn't.  All you can do is explain, be patient with her, and value her feelings. The more you are there for her, the better your chances she will be there for you.
It is hard but try to stay positive.
Moni

There was a long story from a SO on here that was recently updated....it was a few years in the making.  Basically it started with her not understanding or supporting a transition whatsoever.  She thought her "husband" was crazy and could  never be a woman.  It went on with updates and you could see the slow acceptance while HRT started.  In the end it seems like they are quite happy in their new life together.  Give your wife some time if the relationship is important to you....you never know how her attitude can change.

My personal story is somewhat similar.  A few years ago I brought up a need to transition and my wife was dead set against it.  After I shelved it and sunk deeper into depression it came up again.  At that point we had months of intense discussions and it turned out she was less concerned with a transition and her pushback was related to some other things going on in our relationship. Now, she is my biggest transition supporter....my rock when I'm having tough days....and we are closer now than any time in our relationship. 

Give it time and help her understand.

I was married to the love of my life. It didn't last as I was sneaking around trying to find a way to be by myself so I could feel relaxed. By that I mean, I liked to wear femme clothes and makeup. I had anger issues. No, not with her, life in general. I always felt no one understands me. Counseling is a good thing. Take her to your gender therapist with you. This gives you both the facts to create an informed decision. I would not just arbitrarily give up, like I did the last time. One advantage is I am older, and my 2nd wife and I had our children 27 years ago. By the time my daughter was three I was already too sickly (heart related) for sex. It's ironic that what made me sick also caused my sexual confusion.

Dawn

gallux,

I just read your introductory post from 2 months ago.  Back then, you wrote 'I have been questioning whether I am trans or not'.  You also wrote 'I am not really uncomfortable with my life and I don't feel that I have been born in the wrong body.'

And then in a separate thread, just 3 weeks ago, you wrote about sending an email to a therapist to potentially begin a dialogue.  So that means, at best, you've only had about 2 weeks of therapy?

And just 2 weeks ago, you wrote in another post that you haven't even told anyone in your family yet...

How did you move so quickly those events to today, where you are considering leaving your wife and starting over?!  What changed?  Did something drastic happen in your life, or are you just floating ideas?  Unlike many of the people who have posted here, I am a bit skeptical after reading your history of posts.  You keep referring to transitioning as a "dream" (a word you keep using), as if it's some kind of wonderful goal to aspire to.  It's not.  Most, if not all, trans women transition because we need to.  Because we have no other choice.

I think you should talk to your therapist more.  And if there are any nearby, attend a local transgender support group and see firsthand if this is the life you want need to live.

Well it would be easier to part ways. But nothing worth doing is ever just easy.

I have been reading the SO section of the site for a long time and the stories that disturb me the most are when the person who is transgender walks out on their partner. When you said your wedding vows, it was for better or worst, in sickness and in health. I feel we should try to find a place in our life for our SO. If the SO decides to end it, you will have a clear conscious that you attempted every thing you could to make it work. I know only about half the couple will stay together but you still should try to be a couple that remains together.

Quote from: Dena on February 07, 2017, 07:30:05 PM
I have been reading the SO section of the site for a long time and the stories that disturb me the most are when the person who is transgender walks out on their partner. When you said your wedding vows, it was for better or worst, in sickness and in health. I feel we should try to find a place in our life for our SO. If the SO decides to end it, you will have a clear conscious that you attempted every thing you could to make it work. I know only about half the couple will stay together but you still should try to be a couple that remains together.

Wow, not too judgmental.
For your information, I have a clear conscience.

50% stay together? Doubt that.

I find it interesting since joining this site a month ago, that there is way more judgment here than in the real world. Funny, I would have expected more understanding, or a need to understand, I didn't come here to be told I didn't try hard enough in my marriage. Yes, you didn't name me, but it's clear that those who don't try are giving up.

I was stubborn and kept hoping from some improvement at home.  My wife went to one therapy session, hated it when the therapist asked her about her feelings rather than confirm it was all my fault, and refused to go again.  I still hoped for a change, and got it last October, when she gave mom a deadline to get out.

So, technically I left my wife and started over, but at her insistence.  I don't blame myself, and I hope nobody else does.  She wanted me gone from her life, and I eventually complied.

I've been alone all my life and wish I hadn't been

I would lay it on the line just like she did. You have to realize that she didn't get into a relationship with the female you. Her telling you that is her just being honest. If that truly is the case then it doesn't sound like you are part of her future wether or not you suppress who you are or not.

I'm both bi-gender and spouse, and I've been through this twice. First when my husband first came out to me 18 years ago, and again in December when he announced he needed to take a first step to transitioning.

The first two weeks were ROUGH the first time. You think your emotions are rough right now? You just dropped her world out from under her. Yours are not the only difficult thoughts and feelings right now. Your wife will need time and probably counseling, and a lot of education to understand the scientific cause, your feelings, and to be able to sort out her own feelings, her fears and her idea of her future either way. In my case counseling and lots of talk revealed that I was so upset about it because I also have gender issues, which were part of the reason I reacted so badly.

The second reveal was much the same. Even though his being transgender was not news to me, for about two days I was numb and in shock. On the third day my brain started functioning again and I began working through it all. Still, the idea of being married to a woman was the end of my world. As a bi-gender person I need a *man* in my life as a foil/support for my feminine side, to make her feel feminine while my masculine side's pressures often makes me feel dysphoric, neither here nor there.  As long as I can perceive my husband as masculine/male, I'm okay.

So, we worked together, and with a therapist, to come up with a solution to keep our 29 years as a romantic couple intact, which includes a lot of things not common to trans individuals, such as not switching gender pronouns or names. We both know there may come a day when either my own dysphoria or his become too much and one or the other of us goes too far to allow our relationship to keep working, but we're battling as hard as we can to save our marriage. It's worth it.

Quote from: Nina_Ottawa on February 07, 2017, 07:58:45 PM
Wow, not too judgmental.
For your information, I have a clear conscience.

50% stay together? Doubt that.

I find it interesting since joining this site a month ago, that there is way more judgment here than in the real world. Funny, I would have expected more understanding, or a need to understand, I didn't come here to be told I didn't try hard enough in my marriage. Yes, you didn't name me, but it's clear that those who don't try are giving up.

Nina, I think you are spot on that there is much more judgement on this forum than out in the real world.  Totally.  So much so that it turned me off of this site for some time.  But, then I upped my apathy level and returned.  I hope you stay.  I appreciate your input.

As a side note, I mentioned this thread to my wife on the way home from work yesterday (because we are attached at the hip and even ride to work everyday together) and she said "Yea, I can totally see why someone would want a clean break to start their life as a woman/man".  It was refreshing to hear her, without judgement, express understanding for someone going through transition.  So, there's a real world reaction for ya.