First off, thank you for this site with piles and piles of great information and shared experiences.  I have spent so many hours here reading and realizing that I really am not crazy (well, maybe a little just not in the rubber room sort of way.)

Be warned: wall of text follows



Anyway, my story: from all the reports I've found it all started in the back of my Dad's station wagon in 1980 after a rock concert in Los Angeles.  Nine months later out I came as a healthy baby boy and everything pretty much went pear shaped after that.

Ever since I can remember I always wanted to be a girl.  Always wishing I could just wake up and be in the body I wanted and hoping that someday it would happen.  Having some feminine features didn't help matters.  Many times it was heard "you should have been born a girl with long eyelashes like yours" (from aunts), and jokes about having "birthing hips" later on.  Thoughts of "I wish there was a brain transplant or mind swapping machine" and other such flights of fantasy filled my head constantly. 

Of course as I came to realize: nature's sick little jokes don't have fairy tale endings like that in real life. (by the way nature, you suck)

I always was sneaking my sister's clothing (boy did that get my ass beat more than a few times), and this continued basically up into high school (when I got a job and could buy my own.)  My home was a very conservative and uuuultra religious one, this was not the sort of thing that was in "god's plan" according to my parents.  However the feeling that I wasn't "right" was always in the back of my mind like a rat scratching from within a wall.  Yes, that stupid dysphoria thing.  A word I wish I knew years ago and something so many of you know even better than I.

Long story short, I tried a few ways to escape it, mostly thinking my dysphoria was related to a lack of accomplishment or something.  Joined the army, getting shot at for a living was very exciting at times but it didn't work.  Got married, that was an even more miserable failure.  (and made me really realize just how jealous I was of women during sex)  Went back to school and did 3 years of a STEM degree in 2.  That sort of worked but only because I was too exhausted to think about anything but school.

Which brings us to now-ish.  I got a haircut and a real job, moved far away from family, old friends and other old social pressures.  Life was cruising along, the rats weren't misbehaving too badly either.  Then a coworker transitioned last year, and I was astounded at how smoothly that went.  (as much as I dislike most of the HR types at my company, they really knocked this one out of the park)

light bulbs, lightning bolts, flashbulbs and firecrackers all suddenly went off in my brain.

I'm

FINALLY

THERE.


I'm finally where I need to be to do this.  I've got a job where I can make it happen, my former peers are several states away; I am truly free now.  I can stop wearing this stupid mask every day, and stomp those stupid rats.

I really haven't been this happy in... honestly I don't think I've ever been quite this happy.  But it's also kind of scary.  Not in the "I don't want to die in a firefight in godforsaken Fallujah" kind of scary, more like a gate holding me back from everything I ever truly wanted suddenly got thrown open after 30 years of staring through it and I'm standing dumbfounded wondering if I am only imagining it.

But at the same time it's so damned EXCITING

So here I am, standing at the edge of the rabbit hole looking around because it seem so surreal.

Now I'm not totally ignorant, I realize this isn't an overnight process (stupid lack of fairy tale endings...) but I can finally start.

As for the user name, I've always liked the sound of Estelle but who knows what the future will bring.


And on that note, any good leads on therapists in the Kansas City area?


Thanks again

Welcome to Susan's Place. The ironies of life. While your parents were doing their thing at the rock concert, I was a few miles south of you in Anaheim in the first year of my RLE. Think it's contagious? Naaahhh, couldn't be. In any case, if you have a personal doctor, you might get a referral. Your insurance company may have a list of in system providers. The other person who transition may be able to recommend somebody and if nothing else, google "Kansas city gender therapist" or "kansas LGBT" and look for a local center.

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Welcome to the Place Estelle,

Since you have been reading for a bit you know what it's like here and how to navigate.  Thanks for sharing your fun and  almost literal coming out story in 1980 and your seeming epiphany or eureka moment more recently.  I had a similar sense and thought of my moment as being struck by warm bolts of lightning.  Sometimes these crossroads and intersections of experience and opportunity align just about right for us.  I was also moved to finally take action by another local trans persons coming out story.  I will always recall the profound sense of relief when I gave up the man act. 

Love your sense of excitement, happiness and freedom, keep it up girl.

So these rabbit holes can run a meandering course and I know nothing about the warrens near Kansas City.  The internet and resources pages here can likely help you.

Welcome!

I am inexperienced and unwise so I have little to offer but my heartfelt sympathies for your struggles in life, and  be excited that you have finally found yourself in a situation where you are ready to begin your journey. Finding a therapist -one experienced with transgenders absolutely preferred- should in my opinion be your top priority. For me it was a great help in making my situation clear, understanding exactly who I wanted to be and how to go about getting there.

A support group may also be a good idea; I am going to my first one tomorrow and am very excited!

Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you'll feel very welcome here and will engage with the rest of us. Learn from us what you can about transitioning, learn about yourself and allow us to learn through you. Best of luck on your beginning journey down 'the rabbits hole' .

Hi Estelle 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thanks everyone.  I really wish I had done this earlier but financial issues and personal demons (stupid war thing) kind of kept it on the back burner.

Oh well, I have to deal with a few more gray hairs and slightly less optimal bone structure.  I guess that's what hair dye and being careful with fashion is for.  But most importantly I'm happy to be able to discuss this with a bunch of other people that grew up feeling just as weird as I did.

Quote from: Dena on February 08, 2017, 01:05:34 AM
Welcome to Susan's Place. The ironies of life. While your parents were doing their thing at the rock concert, I was a few miles south of you in Anaheim in the first year of my RLE. Think it's contagious? Naaahhh, couldn't be. In any case, if you have a personal doctor, you might get a referral. Your insurance company may have a list of in system providers. The other person who transition may be able to recommend somebody and if nothing else, google "Kansas city gender therapist" or "kansas LGBT" and look for a local center.

Thanks Dena.  I grew up in Orange County for much of the 1980s, maybe there's something in the water? 

The BCBS Massachusetts health plan I have covers an amazing amount of this, but I'm a remote employee working in KC for a Massachusetts company so the "in network, out of network, blah blah blah" kind of thing is more than a bit daunting.  I guess I just need to call them up and hope the call center person has a clue.

   Hi Estelle

  Let me add my welcome to you also. I'm fairly new here. So far I like The Place. I enjoy the stories people share here and enjoyed yours also. I hope you get comfortable and share more of your journey with us.

   Jeanette

Welcome, Estelle

I hope you find your fairy-tale ending.  I am still waiting for my once upon a time.  I think you will find a few friendly ears here.

Good luck!

Estelle,

Another welcome to the site.

I don't think anyone has a corner on dysphoria. You can own it as much as any of us. I didn't know what to call this thing I am till about 2 years ago. I am 50 and tried a lot of coping too.

I am glad to see you looking for a therapist. I think they are soo helpful in the transition process. Not in a telling you what to do next. More in helping you safely explore what to do next. The conclusions need to be all yours.

Thank you for your service time. We have many members here that are vets.

Guess that's all I have to add. I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey.

With warmth,

Joanna