Hi, I call myself Skylar and I've considered myself mtf since Nov of 2015 (well I guess i never did fit in my whole life but it just clicked on that day in realizing myself, long story but I can explain if asked). Anyway, I'm stuck and not able to move on due to fear of family and friends. My family is far right and very religious, they made it clear to me that they don't like LGBTQ people and they told me one day if I was one of any of them, they won't allow me to leave the house and this part of my memory is a bit fuzzy but I thought they also made a physical threat like punching or slapping if they found out I was one. (I don't remember for sure but its fuzzy) It's so hard having to hide my real self from everyone, the only people that I trust in my life and support me is my girlfriend and a FTM friend who used to go to my school but switched to an all online, cyber class. I do plan on beginning HRT once I am able to move out of the house (which I hope will be this year once I graduate high school, currently a senior). Lately I've been feeling like an emotional train wreck and the people that I trust to talk to are usually busy or asleep. That's not their fault but it's just inconvenient when that happens. I was recommended to check out this site so I'm also new here. Does anyone have any advice/suggestions about my situation?

Welcome Skylar.

It is hard when people who are supposed to support you turn out to be people who do harm to you.

I believe it is a good idea to find your own safe place before breaking the news, considering it is not very much time left until you are on your own.

I broke up with my abusive father when I was 16. It was pure hell. He did anything he could come up with to get me back. Cried on the phone, played nice, best friend etc.

I have surrounded myself with people who love me. I don't need people who make me feel bad about myself or who abuse me. I don't miss my father.  I'm almost 40 yo so we have been apart for many many years.

This is how I did. Not saying you need to break up with your dad, but if he threatens you or get physical, you should end your relationship at once. Noone has the right to abuse you physically, verbally or mentally.

True and sorry to hear how your dad was to you. I agree and that's why I plan to move another state away so that they can't physically bully me. I messaged Susan's Place on FB and the suggestion I got was to build a support circle and I did open up to another friend yesterday and she was very accepting so that helps. If my parents would be willing to accept me for who I am, then I wouldn't be so afraid of them. I don't like cutting people out of my life, I do believe in second chances, but knowing them it might sadly be the only option.

It is important to have supportive people in your social network. Those who don't support you, let them be.

Good that you told a friend.

True and also thanks for being the first one to welcome me here

Hi Skylar,

Here's some advice on your situation: survive.  Do whatever it takes to finish out school, and don't out yourself to your family in the meantime.  Because you have inherent value just as you are, and I'm so sorry your family doesn't recognize that, that they believe you have to fit their preconceived ideas just to receive basic human dignity.  So I'm afraid you're just going to have to play along until you're done with school and can get out on your own.

While you're playing the waiting game, I agree it's going to help the most to develop a support network.  That can be RL friends, but also take advantage of places like this, or others that focus on younger transitioners -- find threads that resonate with you, and chime in.

But don't neglect school, and not just schoolwork but the actual task of educating yourself to live on your own.  Start making a plan for how you'll support yourself -- like, what kind of job you'll be able to do, making a budget for yourself, how much rent costs and how you might cut those costs by sharing a space with sympathetic people, and so on.  Start doing your own laundry if you haven't already, your own housecleaning, just basic home maintenance.  For "fun" you might try going to places like Goodwill to get an idea of how much it'll cost to build your own wardrobe, build a starter kit for your kitchen, and so forth. 

Don't come out to your family until you're on your own -- you'll be in a position of strength, and they'll have much less leverage over you.  But do give them the benefit of the doubt, people can always surprise. 

And best of luck.

Yeah I've already been doing the waiting game, laying low cause the less problems I have, the better. I already do cook, clean, and do my own laundry. I do plan to have a career in computers and I plan on going for an associate's degree. That is a good idea about building a wardrobe, I found some clothes on places like Amazon that I really would like. In school, my grades are all As except for one B so education really isn't a problem but I'll keep doing my best. I'm still coming up with plans to move out, either with my grandparents (they're accepting people and very nice) or get an apartment. I am new to this site so idk all the threads on here, just saw this one and figured it would be a good start (and it is). My plan is to come out once I am out of the house and on my own and thanks

Hi Skylar,

Welcome to the site. Sorry it took us a few days to officially welcome you.

Do you mind if I ask what age you are? Couple of reasons I ask. If you are under 18, you still have to pretty much follow your parents rules. However, there is a category on here called youth talk where you can talk to others who may be your age and may experience similar situations. Sadly, it is pretty common. Do you think your parents would be cool with your going to a therapist? They can be so helpful to talk to about feelings and try to work your way through what I call the maze of being trans.

Depending on your school, there should be therapists available. Even if your parents won't take you to one, you might be able to use the school's.

I would agree with Sophie about continuing with your education. If only because not just life but a trans life tends to have costs that others don't.

I would also suggest that coming out at a school away from home is a great way to make a new start. It's like starting your life over and often the support at colleges can help in ways that public schools aren't always able to. Especially because the students are usually 18 or just turning it. Most docs will not prescribe HRT to under 18yo without parental consent.... They also usually have support groups and peer groups that can be of great help.

Hang in there. Stay in contact with your support group. Face to face is always better, but post here if no one is around.

I would also suggest not cutting your parents off. Certainly, if there is to be violence, don't stick around. If they choose to cut you off when you do come out, make it their choice. Keep a line there. There have been many who have changed their priorities over time when faced with reality.

These are all suggestions. I can't tell you what to do. Try to keep moving forward, try to keep safe. Also try to keep learning about this part of you .

I wish you love, acceptance and a smoother path for the  future.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

Hi and that's okay, I figured it would have. I'm 18 but I don't have a driver's license yet (have a permit but am hoping to get it before end of spring). Knowing them, they would probably take me to a religious therapist (Last time they did that was for my depression and that was no help whatsoever) or just force religion down on me more. Well at school I do meet with someone for emotional and social stuff, she claims that what I say stays between us (seems true so far but idk how things would go if I brought this up). I know there' about two or three FTMs at my school but due to the local area being conservative, idk what my school could do but I guess I could ask. True about education, I figure to do something I love (which I really enjoy computers and about almost every aspect of them, even my gf thought about pursuing it) Honestly, I would come out at school if people were more accepting, infact two of the FTMs I know at school had to go homeschooling due to issues. Well my parents just talked to me about after high school stuff and they want me to stay with them till I'm 30 (that's not happening, no way) and they tried to argue that I couldn't make it on my own even if an apartment was affordable. They just keep stressing me out and if I did decide to come out at home, it'll be hell on Earth in this house. Yeah I know and yeah I did glance at some of those links when I first found this site but I can look stuff over again.

Skylar,

I have to go teach a class now. I will try to get back to you after.

Warmly,

Joanna

I have been in computers since my first real job in '69. Back then it was all mainframes and cobol programming with some Pascal which was the precursor to structured programming language. In 1984 the first desktop PC's started hitting the job site. The incredible 56k, duel floppy drive  that I used to create our first product catalog. Then having to watch it output over the next five hours chugging along, on the ole dot matrix printer. Computers can be fun but can also demand many overtime hours often without pay because you are a salaried employee. If you are good at following strict rules you can be successful. A well written procedure can go a long way in creating a project plan that is not laden with errors. Unfortunately most companies are looking for instant gratification so they make it difficult with shortcuts and omissions which you have to repair on the fly. My final job was as a SME for the $1 billion dollar system revamp at Boeing. The problem was the system was created for processing industries that make drugs and food products, So, we basically re-wrote the parameters, since we were making a custom product that used terminology like each instead lbs.  I found project planning much more enjoyable than doing programming. Also project planning can lead to high paying consulting gigs. It's a good choice to stay in school. If you are 18 there is nothing keeping you from getting a license. You may not yet have a car but you can get a license. Enlist a friend to take you. Lastly if you remain in your home town which seems to be lacking in services it may be wise to pursue opportunities in larger cities. As to the parents. Remind them they are living their lives. It's not fair to try and live yours.

Dawn

Quote from: SkylarFox98 on February 07, 2017, 04:01:40 PM
... am hoping to get it before end of spring).

That is great news. Would this give you a little more freedom and autonomy?

Quote...Well at school I do meet with someone for emotional and social stuff, she claims that what I say stays between us (seems true so far but idk how things would go if I brought this up). I know there' about two or three FTMs at my school but due to the local area being conservative, idk what my school could do but I guess I could ask.

easy for me to say but I think it is worth the risk. If she is properly trained she cannot bring anything up to others even if you parents were supportive.

Quote...Honestly, I would come out at school if people were more accepting, infact two of the FTMs I know at school had to go homeschooling due to issues. Well my parents just talked to me about after high school stuff and they want me to stay with them till I'm 30 ...

High School can be pretty brutal. It is not like you have to start fully presenting. If you are a senior, you only have around 5 more months, right? I know it is hard to wait. To be honest, most of the ways one progresses is a waiting game too.

If they think you can't take care of yourself now, why would they think you could suddenly start taking care of yourself at 30? They need to come to the realization that their truths can/could be yours but you have to get there on your own.

I guess I would think starting with a therapist at school with this issues is a good choice compared to nothing. You can maybe present in a more androgynous way until you figure out what your approach should be. Then in college you can start making steps. Remembering that not everyone needs to be binary. Some trans folks have more fluidity in both id and presentation. Remembering my favorite new phrase, there is no one way to be trans.

I don't know if that helps. Maybe just having us here to talk to is helpful. Things can get better as you go.

Good luck.

With warmth,

Joanna

DawnOday, yeah true most of my friends do have a license and I've been hanging out with the one. I've always wanted to live in or near a city, I'm not a big fan of the rural living (due to lack of stuff here). Yeah one day I'll tell them that.

Joanna50, yes it would, I would be able to get out of the house if needed and go somewhere to a friend's or even the mall. True but it honestly took me a little while to get myself to make an account on here and letting someone new into my circle, I do have anxiety issues and get nervous easily some days. Eventually I'll try to work up my courage to bring up the issue to her or a guidance counselor at school. Yeah 5 if counting this month and I do play the waiting game, sometimes my problem is also holding stuff in cause once in a while I feel like my jar is cracking (figuratively speaking) but talking to people I trust can help this. Sometimes I feel my parents are overprotective or they underestimate what I am capable of doing, I know parents like to think of their kids as kids but we all grow up someday and I think they're having a harder time moving on so I don't fully blame them for that entirely. True I was speaking to my one friend in my circle that is trans and we was talking about gender conformity, like I don't see myself as like the "girly girl" type. Like I'm still going to like stuff that I do now and act/feel the same about certain things, sure I'll like new things and maybe act a bit different in some situations but I plan to stay true to myself. Yeah actually starting this topic is one of the best things I've don so far, turning out much better than I thought it would be 

Skylar,

I am glad you are finding things of worth here.

It is nice to see amidst your pain that you have the empathy to forgive your parents. That is a super trait that helps along the way.

It is hard to open up. I still have some I have not talked to yet. Both family and friends.

Not sure if you looked around the Youth Talk sub category but I bet you might see some similar experiences. I find that can be helpful for me.

Stay strong and flexible.

With warmth,

Joanna

Thanks and for me its easier to forgive others than myself, that's the hardest. I didn't yet, haven't fully explored this site but I'll go check it out. Thanks.

I was thinking and looking stuff about college and it made me ask myself some questions. how will transitioning go in college? Should I wait till after? (the sooner the better but it depends on where I live and how close is family) Questions like that. Sure I could find answers by searching them but I also want to hear from people here.

My oldest daughter has a lot of friends who have just gone into college and are transgender. For several of them, they started transitioning there. Most colleges are very supportive of transgender students. Many let you change your name there so you can be signed up (or changed to) your chosen name in class transcripts and official documents. At least one young trans man is having the best year of his life having finally embraced it and gotten out on his own.

This is just my experience. My daughter was a leader in her GSA in high school and is a first year this year. She has many gender variant friends both from home and school(and she started all that before she knew about me- huh).

Don't know if that helps, but it is the experience my family has had.

With warmth,

Joanna

It does make me feel better about college, the one I had in mind is a 2 year. I could look into dorm options but those are questions I'll have to ask the college. Perhaps if I do that, then I'll be able to transition and start HRT. My one trans friend, I can ask him for contact info of his therapist, he's currently doing HRT despite how his family views that. I know you said that most colleges are supportive but would they also have support groups and/or help someone with their transitioning. I'll check the website for the one I want to go to.

Skylar,

I forgot to mention.

Most colleges with dorms have rooms for gender variant people. Many now ask if you have a preference of living with or not living with tans students. I'm sure that is different from school to school. I'm not sure that my daughter's did that exactly. However, I do know that the house she is in has a floor specifically for trans students across the spectrum.

Warmly,

Joanna

Its ok and the college I have in mind is a 2 year and its relatively close so I'm not sure. I tried to check out their site but I can't seem to find info on it but they do have a LGBT/ally club so that helps calm my anxiety about that. It may be a while till I can schedule an appointment to meet with a college representative to ask them questions but in the mean time, just play the waiting and research more about HRT and SRS. Though one concern is that once I do come out to everyone, my parents won't take it well, at all. Neither will most of my family but my grandparents might accept me though, they're nice and don't force their views on others.