I'm 16 and ftm, and I only realized I was ftm last July, so bear with me.

I never fit in with female stereotypes, and I always knew I never did, so I never bothered to ever put on makeup or do my hair or anything. Eventually I realized I just wasn't female at all. I didn't know until my teens that transgender was a thing, but I think ever since I was little, I said that if I could choose what gender I'd be born as, it'd be a boy.

However, I used to think that you had to be super masculine in order to be ftm. Obviously that isn't true since there's femme ftms and in the middle ftms (like me). So because I'm in the middle, and I'm not that feminine but I still like feminine things, I just judge myself for it.

I don't want to judge myself, but lately I've been so worried about what others might think that I can't seem to stop. I judge myself whenever I get emotional when I'm not that emotional in the first place. But my dad once said "you think you're a boy but I think you're a girl, a very emotional one", and he's obviously dead wrong since my brother cries all the time, but I still worry about it. I judge myself whenever I like the color pink. (It's just a color, but it is associated with femininity for whatever reason...) And I judge myself whenever I decide to share my feelings, so guess what I'm doing right now - judging.

I know I'm a guy, maybe I doubt myself sometimes because I'm not a very confident person (oh yeah, I judge myself on that too since my dad thinks EVERY GUY has to be confident), but I'm worried that if I keep thinking like this, I'll just coward back into going by my birth gender. I don't want to do that.

Maybe I need help, because this is becoming a huge problem, and not just because of my identity. But whatever. I just needed to vent this.

Hi . Yeah I've been through this and so do a lot of cis guys as well. I know not helpful now but it takes time to build your confidence and become comfortable within yourself. I found to get comfortable with my fem side I very slowly branched out into dressing very slightly less masculine but dishearteningly I'm not where I need or want to be. On the plus side it's a lot more acceptable to be fem as a guy now or not very macho. A lot of cis men don't follow stereotypes.

Changing my name and starting T I also had doubts and thought to myself WTH am I doing; isn't it easier just to stop. Until I thought back to how I had no clue how to be female and could remember the crippling dysphoria and discomfort of how I was before.

It's helped me to follow blogs on Tumblr to gind people the same as myself.

Anyway can't give much advice but feel free to vent here anytime you want; as for your dad he needs to be reminded you have a genuine medical condition and boys can cry too

So sorry your Dad has treated you like that. It is not an uncommon reaction. Is he supportive in any other ways?

Are you seeing any sort of therapist? I think that would be very helpful for you. Especially if it is one who specializes in gender issues. If you are not, there are usually therapists at schools that students can go to. They can often suggest where to turn from there.

Therapists are not there to tell you what you are or if you judge yourself too much. However, they help you explore and find the truths for yourself.

I am glad you found your way here. I hope you get what you are looking for from our site.

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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

Ive found that the more you transition, the more comfortable you get with things like not being too stereotypically masculine or feminine

Most cis guys will judge themselves for liking feminine things as well, because our society in general greatly frowns upon feminine expression from men, and so that social censure has been internalized for years.  So it makes sense that you worry about feminine expression, because you will have obviously picked up on that, too.

However, there are many wonderful men in the world who are happy to wear pink, express their emotions, be open about their internal processes, and so forth.  This is what makes them wonderful in large part! 

By the same token, it wouldn't hurt to explore the more traditional aspects of masculinity and see which ones really appeal to you.  Whether it's sports, cars, body-building, what have you.  Anything you can do to participate in male culture will always help, not because these things are "inherently male" but because they will provide opportunities to socialize with men. 

The thing is, none of this is mutually exclusive from "feminine" expressions.  The vast majority of people in the world are neither hyper-masculine nor hyper-feminine.  Most people partake of a blend of gendered interests. 

So don't beat yourself up for what you like.  What you like has nothing to do with being a man. 

I'm in the same boat as you. Unfortunately, purple and pink are my favorite colors, I love the idea of being able to crossdress for fun when I transition (double confusion there, huh? Ftm and crossdressing? What kind of child did my parents have ), I love other boys, and the list goes on. I beat myself up over it on particularly bad days, wonder what other guys will think when I transition, etc. but you know what? Cis guys worry about the same thing. It's... slightly reassuring realizing that. I don't like that they have to suffer from whatever harsh society they belong to, but it's nice realizing you fit in with them in that sense. They'll never have to worry about being called a fake trans person or anything like that for it, but they worry about it too. I don't know that if that helps or makes it worse for you, though.

Anyway, try not to beat yourself up over it. It's really okay to like those things. This is a broken record kind of thing to say, so I'll just end it with mentioning I hope you feel better soon.