Tomorrow I have the first meeting with my oncologist since confessing my desire to transition to my primary care physician at the VA and starting HRT. I've enjoyed a cordial almost social relationship with her for over three years. We talk about her 2 children (a boy and a girl) and my 5 grand kids. She was pregnant with her daughter when I started seeing her. After a little chit chat she gets back to business and proceed with the exam and discuss the lab results and CT scan.
    Tomorrow I will dutifully submit to height, weight and blood pressure. I'll tell her yes to her medications one by one including the 3 new ones. " yes to I am still taking the cholesterol pills, yes to the Spironolactone, and yes to the Estradiol". I'm sure my face will turn red.  Then it will be back to the waiting area until my doctor is free to see me. I'll be ushered into the exam room and await her arrival.
    When she arrives I'll greet her and ask about her children. She'll ask about my grand children beyond that I don't know. I'm sure she will be professional. Will I need to explain? Will taking hormones affect my treatment? lol Will she instruct me on breast cancer exams?  Will it even come up?  She will continue with her examination, discuss the results of the CT scan and labs.  lol  Should I ask to see the breast tissue growing upon my chest? I am curious. We'll end the session with an agreement to return in 3 or 4 months (provided my cancer has not returned again) There is always that spectre looming over my head. It has returned twice already. The last treatment could easily have killed me. They had to resuscitate the 2 patients they treated before me. I was lucky that didn't happen to me. But it was hard to endure. I made it and it seems to be working so far.
     That is yet another reason to transition. I'm living on borrowed time. I've been proclaimed terminal twice already. I fear if it return again it will be the last. This could very well be my last chance to become me and die happy.

   Sorry for being morbid. It's something I have to live with.  Anyway  my point is this, in a way this is my first time having to face the consequences of my actions and yes, I am apprehensive about it.

  Jeanette
   

We worry far to much about things that we can't change or will never happen. You doctor is a trained medical person and I think you will have a rather interesting discussion with her tomorrow. I think you will grow closer because you are sharing something deeply personal - something far deeper than most doctors ever share with their patients. She may ask you to do a few additional things but enjoy your evening because I think you will have a wonderful day tomorrow.

   

Quote from: Dena on February 07, 2017, 08:17:20 PM
We worry far to much about things that we can't change or will never happen. You doctor is a trained medical person and I think you will have a rather interesting discussion with her tomorrow.

Thank you Dena.

    I agree with you on "Your doctor is a trained medical person " and as such she will be professional. But I'm not altogether sure our relationship won't change. I enjoyed our past visits very much and would miss then if it changed.

As for " I think you will have a rather interesting discussion with her" I'll get back to you on that.....

Quote from: Dena on February 07, 2017, 08:17:20 PM
I think you will grow closer because you are sharing something deeply personal - something far deeper than most doctors ever share with their patients. She may ask you to do a few additional things but enjoy your evening because I think you will have a wonderful day tomorrow.

  I would like that very much.

   Jeanette

I agree.  I'm way closer with the ladies I work with than before.  Even my therapist seems more at ease. 

A dynamic life does have consequences including the sure knowledge that we all leave the stage eventually.  Your thinking about mortality and morbidity is reasonable and profound.  We all have a limited ride and it's up to us to make it good.  I greatly admire your pledge to fully become yourself.  This way we don't die wondering sister!  We know!

I too expect that your relationships with your providers and others is enhanced by coming out.  I was so ready to be rejected but instead found exposing my vulnerable truth encouraged others to share more in return.

Quote from: Dena on February 07, 2017, 08:17:20 PM
I think you will have a rather interesting discussion with her tomorrow. I think you will grow closer because you are sharing something deeply personal - something far deeper than most doctors ever share with their patients. She may ask you to do a few additional things but enjoy your evening because I think you will have a wonderful day tomorrow.

   Well Dena you hit the nail right on the head.  When I met with my oncologist today we had a bit of chit chat about her kids and my grand children. She related the good news that the was not sign of my cancer returning. Then she asked how I was doing and if there was anything new?
   I responded with "I imagine you've read my chart and seen my lab tests?" She replied not really but I did see the estrogen" (as she returned to the screen to take a better look)  I see her face light up with surprise as she puts it together. Surprise and delight I think. We then talked about it, exploring the what's , whys , some history, fears, expectations and desires. Told me I was brave in doing it. She thanked me for sharing it with her. She even inquired what I would like to be called. (I opted for no changes as yet) She gave me several hugs and nearly made me cry when she said she felt it made our relationship closer.

   Yes Dena it was a very good and special day for me.

   Jeanette

That's fantastic on all fronts! 

Hugs, Devlyn

That is so great! I am so happy for you! (I seen too many cold physicians to not be really impressed with yours.)

And great news on the clear report!

Hugs,
Jackie

Quote from: Jackie S on February 09, 2017, 07:54:21 PM
That is so great! I am so happy for you! (I seen too many cold physicians to not be really impressed with yours.)

And great news on the clear report!

Hugs,
Jackie

Thanks Jackie,
   I am very happy with my oncologist. We have had a good relationship for over 3 years now. This poor woman has had to tell me I am going to die twice. That cannot be easy for anyone. I could see it wasn't for her. Thankfully with her help I have proven her wrong so far. I see the genuine happiness she has in telling me my cancer has not returned every 3 - 4 months.
   But I never expected the excited surprise she displayed for me when she saw what I had started. Jeanette was literally received with open arms, much to my delight. We spent at least 20 minutes talking about it.

   Jeanette

Jeanette,
    That is wonderful. The best reaction I had was my electrolysis person. She was the second person I told and she was so genuinely happy. I got a big hug when I got off the table. It makes your day doesn't it? You may find a new openness especially with women. In the last 8 months I had two closeted health professionals confide in  me that they were gay. I was honored with their trust. Wish you great health and happiness. Being yourself is a big part of both.
Moni

Thanks Moni,
   My oncologist coincidentally was my second person I told too. The first being my Primary care doctor. He was very professional and accepted it in stride though he was somewhat surprised with my revelation.

Jeanette

Dear Jeanette,

What wonderful news on all counts!

I was very pleasantly surprised that when I was in hospital none of the staff displayed any phobia towards me in person. I did hear that a few had to be spoken too in private but that is fine. Education is a good thing.

Safe journey honey!

Cindy

   Thank you Cindy.

  When we embark upon this exciting though frightening journey , we can use all the encouragement we can get to carry us through those trying times to some.

  Jeanette

That's great that your provider is so understanding.  When I started out last year?  Not so much.  I went to a Medicaid clinic that is religiously-motivated and they refused me treatment.  When I asked for treatment, My Doc asked, "so what does your therapist think this medication is going to do for you?"  Kinda only does one thing doc!  So I walked across the street to Planned Parenthood.  After I started HRT, the numbskulls actually asked me why I was taking estrogen and Spiro. I was like. Well? Duh! Do you SEE I'm wearing a skirt?

I could go on with this shtick all nite. Don't get me started about how everyone at the Walmart pharmacy knows me by name now.  I've been going there for years and never once did one of them look at me twice.

I love that you are becoming the real you.  I know how you feel. I told my therapist once that there are probably some people who given the choice between living for 20 years as a man or 2 weeks as a woman would choose the two weeks.  I didn't realize it when I was saying it, but later I realized I was talking about my own feelings.

  Hi Jane Emily,

  I'm sorry your start has been a rocky road when so far mine has been good. But i am just at the beginning of my journey. I have yet to tell anyone other than my two doctors and of course you all here. Not even the sister I live with.
  I am not sure at all how that will. Not well is my guess after I had to explain what LGBT meant when she heard it on the news. After telling her, she said "Well, why don't they just say "The weirdos?" My only response to her was "They are not weirdos"
   Another rough part for me will be having to tell my daughter and her husband. I think my daughter may be a little more open having had some knowledge of my crossdressing when she was young though I did try to keep it from her. Her and her husband are well into their church and he had desires to become a minister. I have no idea how he may take the news. I jeopardize being able to see my five grand children.
   I have more family and friends that will react however they will. I have one high school/ Navy buddy that I know I am going to hurt with my news. I know this because his half brother transitioned many years ago and he still cannot  deal with it. I just re-established contact with him 4 years ago and he comes to visit each year.
   So I'm on a bubble at the moment and soon it must pop. I dread it like we all must on out individual journey's. I cannot regret my decision though at times I'm riddled with doubts. I've live as a man for 64 years and my time to live as a woman may indeed be short. But I am determined to be me for as long as I can.

   I'm sorry Jane Your response just made me pensive. My emotions are all up and down from one moment to the next. It must be the HRT meds. Yeah! That's it!. Or at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Luv,
   Jeanette.

Quote from: JeanetteLW on February 08, 2017, 05:05:03 PM
   Well Dena you hit the nail right on the head.  When I met with my oncologist today we had a bit of chit chat about her kids and my grand children. She related the good news that the was not sign of my cancer returning. Then she asked how I was doing and if there was anything new?
   I responded with "I imagine you've read my chart and seen my lab tests?" She replied not really but I did see the estrogen" (as she returned to the screen to take a better look)  I see her face light up with surprise as she puts it together. Surprise and delight I think. We then talked about it, exploring the what's , whys , some history, fears, expectations and desires. Told me I was brave in doing it. She thanked me for sharing it with her. She even inquired what I would like to be called. (I opted for no changes as yet) She gave me several hugs and nearly made me cry when she said she felt it made our relationship closer.

   Yes Dena it was a very good and special day for me.

   Jeanette

Jeanette I can see how worried you have ben and am so delighted it went so well.

Congrats

Liz

  Thank you Liz,
   Yes these first forays stepping out of my closet are scary. It's likely the reason I've been there so long.
I'm a chicken. It's one thing to know my fears loom larger in my mind then they actually are when brought out into the light of day.  Knowing and doing are two different things altogether.

Jeanette

   

Congrats Jeanette!!!... What a wonderful encounter!... I think many of us around here have been guilty at some time of filling in the blanks we don't know about how people we tell will react with our worst fears and the reality of their reaction is usually the opposite... When I was in transition, I found the revelation usually strengthened my bonds with others.

You have my respect in moving forward with the business of transition while juggling battles on other fronts as well... You will arrive where you need to be!!!

Onward we go brave sister!

Ashley 🙂

    Thanks for the encouragement Ashley.

    My thanks also to Devlyn Marie and Denise. It appears I skipped right over thanking you two, Sorry.

    Another face to face challenge starts the 23rd when I meet with the psychiatrist for initial intake assessment.
      & 

  Hugs
    Jeanette

JeanetteLW, first off CONGRATS!!  I am so glad it went well (and it should, tbh).  I can totally relate.  For me it was stage IV colon cancer and I came out to my oncologist, too.  After years of seeing him as a man and he had told me I had 10% chance to live 5 years (that was almost 8 years ago 😉 ).  He and his nurse were very supportive.  And he assured me that the hormones I took before being diagnosed had nothing to do with my cancer occurrence.  I was worried because I self medicated for a few years before my cancer showed up, I stopped HRT when diagnosed, but when my PET scan showed NED I was waiting no longer!  I came out, transitioned, and never looked back!

I hope going forward your encounters are positive and uplifting. 🙂