Thank you Ainsley.

       Congratulations to you on your successful 8 years of fighting cancer. In this too it is nice to hear from a kindred spirit that knows the despair and fear that a cancer diagnosis brings. I noted that Cindy is also one of us. 
  I have yet to make it to that 5 magical year mark (those who have experience with cancer will know what I am talking about) without hearing those awful words. I've heard them three times now.  Being told you are going to die wears on you. It is one of the reasons I decided to finally take this step. My last treatment (IL-2) though it was rough and the odds were against me. IL-2 was the only treatment that offers a very, very small chance at a cure. If I remember it is less than 1%. At this point I know I am at least in the 6 -7% that have a very good response to it. There is that feeling of running out of time.

  Oh well there I go rambling again.

  Thank you again Ainsley

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

Oh, Jeanette, I feel for you and understand your emotions and situation completely.  I did chemo (various ones, fulfox 6, erbitux, etc.) for 1.5 years.  Had a foot and a half of my colon taken out, and they found cancer in my lymph nodes, then a tumor metastasized up by my duodenum. I actually ran out of effective chemotherapy options.  I was being put out to pasture, so to speak, and my Dr. took my case to their roundtable (a meeting of all the oncologists and their difficult patients) to discuss 'out of the box' options, he said.  Radiation is not a clinical approach for colon cancer, but there were two types they considered.  One was too dangerous, so they did the other one on me.  Radiation treatments once a day for 21 straight days.  I threw up every time, about 2 hours afterward.  But, voila!  The tumor was crushed!  I was diagnosed in July 2009, and had my last clean PET scan (NED) Mar 2011.

I share this to tell you NEVER give up on the treatments and options.  You just never know! 

   You're survivor Ainsley.

        I was spared the chemo and radiation treatments as kidney cancer does not respond to them.  My kidney cancer was discovered during a run in with appendicitis that hit me late one night. I managed to get through a full day of work before going to the ER. The CT scan or MRI discovered the cancer along with the infected appendix. The appendix came out that night and the kidney followed a month later. A few years later I was hospitalized for diabetes. It was caused by cancer metastasizing in my pancreas. I was diagnosed as terminal stage 4 renal cell carcinoma. I still have diabetes because they had to remove about half of my pancreas, my gall bladder and a few other things in the area as part of the whipple procedure. I now take insulin twice a day and enzymes to help digest my food.  Skip forward a couple more years and it is back in several places in my abdomen. once again I'm diagnosed terminal and inoperable this time. I asked about IL-2 and after tests I was deemed a good candidate for treatment.  5 weeks of poisoning every 8 hours isn't easy but I survived and so far so good. It appears I'm one of the lucky ones that it helped. How much is still an open question. This gives one a sense of urgency sometimes. So far it's been about 2 1/2 years. I live on borrowed time and hope I am one of the very few miracles.

    So there you have my ongoing cancer story.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Wow! Thank you for sharing yours.  You, too, are a survivor!  And you, too, have beaten the odds.  I feel for you, girl.  I really do.  Keep staying strong, take one day at a time, and move forward.  I totally get the urgency thing, too.  I was told I was not going to live by my Dr.  He told me to get my affairs in order, wills, etc.  Do my bucket list...all of that.  Well, my bucket list was to come out and live unencumbered about my gender.    I see you have the same feeling.     Every day I get up and appreciate my existence and take nothing for granted.  I put nothing off to the future that I can do or accomplish today.  Cancer is a scourge, but it was also a catalyst for me to become the woman I am today.  I think the same holds true for you!  Cognitive Behavior Therapy?  Maybe, but I like seeing things that way, none the less.

Be yourself, Jeanette.  You deserve it!!

In 1993, due to congestive heart failure I was told I had about five years. That was 24 years ago. I fooled them. I do understand your concern it may be your last stand. In many ways I had the same fear.  Now 6 months on HRT in spite of my heart problems, I feel like I've just adding an element that has been missing since conception. The lingering doubt of who I really was. My Doctors have been great so far. In fact one of the first thing my GP asked is what I would like to be called. I too hugged my therapist. She helped me realize that I could not hide who I am as I have tried to do all my life. I am now training with a Group Health voice coach, who is absolutely wonderful. Even the social worker assigned to my case is so kind and caring. They have made my decision to start HRt that much easier. I am so happy your cancer is in remission and you can spend your final years being who you feel you have always been. One of my biggest failures is that I could not be honest with the therapists, I've gone 7 times since 1984. Each time ignoring my real question. Why do I keep praying to be a woman. Even in 1984 there was not much information and what was out there was transmitted via a 9600 baud rate. After nearly going off the rails, I decided to fess up. By the end of my second visit she was asking me if I wanted her to write the letter to give to my doctor. Just the confession to someone, relieved so much weight, hate and depression. In the next couple weeks I told my family. After 6 months, so far so good. I have done the electrolysis with just a few more sessions to go. I let my grey hair grow. So far to my shoulders just like back in the hippie days. I want to get my ears pierced. I have a thing for dangly earrings. I would also love to wear boots but alas size 15 boots are not available.
I wish the best for you and hope your remission is permanent.

Dawn
All those years, all those fears, and tears. The serenity of being transformed mentally if not physically is a joy I did not possess eight months ago. I no longer "Have to be the man". I can be me. It is just so hard to forget what took 64 years to learn. It's not a sin to be vulnerable, It's nobody's business what I wear as long as I wear something. Just these reliefs make it worth while and if you are like me, you've carried around the shame of not knowing that there is nothing wrong with you, probably most your life, that a little compassion can't take care of. 

  Thank you Dawn,

   Thank you for your story and encouragement. Get you ears pierced. I did many years ago. Twice. I like the earrings I have when I get to wear them. I also like nail polish. My nails grow fast and are strong. I was the envy of all the girls when I was young. I had them painted a frost dark pink or a lighter red last night for a few hours. They were so pretty.
   I'm afraid I tend towards being a girly girl when I can.   Yup pretty earrings, makeup, pretty nails, high heels, skirts and dresses, that's me. Someday I'll be able to wear what I like as I please.

  Hugs Dawn,
     Jeanette

Hi Jeanette, I am so happy for you and I had a few tears in my yes when reading yours and others health struggles. I congratulate you on taking the step to go on HRT and becoming yourself. Fears about coming out and having ups and downs when starting hormones is part of the package.

I am getting into super healthy eating and listen to Dr. Ronda Patrick on You tube. She has a discussion on cancer and eating to maximize health. She has me drinking a smoothie a few times a week, eating organic and non-GMO. She has two smoothie recipes. She talks about cancer and their pathways on several podcasts. She is/was a cancer scientist. Her website, foundmyfitness.com has a long list of research papers. She knows her stuff.