I came to the conclusion that I'm transgender not to terribly long ago, something in the neighborhood of a few months (about half a year) before joining this site. For me, it explained a fair bit about myself. It explained why I never felt quite right in my own skin. It explained why crossdressing felt like a "close, but no cigar" kind of thing. Why the face in the mirror didn't mesh with what I felt it should look like (regardless of my sad attempts at makeup) and tons of other tiny things throughout my life too numerous to list.

I realized shortly thereafter that my personal epiphany was moot. That even though I had this newfound clarity about myself, that my circumstances won't allow me to become the person I now know I should be. See, I happen to live with a family member (not a significant other or parents) and due to mutual financial issues, would not be able to move out should things go south without causing her to lose her home. I can't do that to her, I'm a better person than that.

Granted she's accepting of LGBTQ people, but those folks aren't her family. And when it comes to family, well, you never know until you "drop the bomb". From what I've read, admitting such to people (even those who are accepting) often causes a "not in my backyard" type reaction, and I fear that. So, here I am stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place, knowing that if circumstances were different I would be able to admit to her how I feel about myself. So I've decided not to rock the boat, so to speak. I'll just keep on carrying on for the time being.

Maybe eventually I'll be in a position to do something about it.

But there are things you can do. Start by seeing a gender therapist. You might consider things such as low dose HRT which will help with the discomfort, facial hair removal and maybe just wearing your hair longer. In the mean time you might be able to educate or at least learn what her limits really are. It appears you are the reason she has a roof over her head and she might be more tolerant if she understand how much you need to deal with this.

You're feelings are never going to leave, Hon. If you're making progress like Dena noted, it goes a long way to making you feel whole.  My suggestion would be to start Electrolysis. No one will notice and it is something tat every woman regrets not doing earlier. It's also much easier when you're running on T instead of E. At any rate, move forward in little ways...it pays off big. Your opportunity will eventually present itself. The forces of the universe relent when they're positive you're on the correct path. I've seen it time and time again.

Hi Geeker

I hope you can find your peace, that I think, is what any of us really want. I know from my life that things didn't get better or easier until I dealt with how I was feeling. There are many things you can do as suggested by Dena and Jentay that are less public but may help you feel so much better. I remember when I first started looking at my gender identity I also started doing a few of the small things and they helped more than I could ever have imagined.

Liz

I do do several little things, some even for legitimate reasons. For example, I shave my legs being as I ride a bicycle as my main form of transportation and road rash on a hairy drumstick is NOT something you want to experience. Trust me. I also wear my hair long, even in a high ponytail it falls about mid-shoulder blade. I'm growing it out to donate to locks of love. These are both things she knows I do and understands the reasoning behind them.

As far as a finding and seeing a gender therapist, I've actually been looking into doing exactly that. The catch is finding a therapist (of any sort) covered by my insurance.

Dena, Jentay, Elizabeth, thanks for responding. It means a fair bit to me.

If you can, switch your health coverage over to Kaiser Permanente.  They have their own in house gender therapists and endocrinologists, and they cover facial hair removal, trach shave and GCS.  It is the closest you can get to one stop shopping in terms of transition.

Unfortunately I rely on the insurance provided by my work for my health coverage. They use a blue cross blue shield PPO variety. If I could afford a different plan, I would jump at it. Thanks for giving me a provider to look into though Carly.

Well, after a very, very thorough look at my medical plan, I've found they would cover hrt. Now if only I knew what I did with my spine...

What you are engaged in at the moment is called "coping" with your GD.  All of us late transitioners spent some amount of time coping so as not to disrupt our lives and the lives of others who depend on us.  Coping strategies vary from person to person.  Some strategies work well for years and then suddenly break down.  Cross-dressing, under-dressing, fantasy, distraction, and uber masculine behavior are a few common practices which help to keep the gender genie in the bottle. 

Eventually, all the coping methods run out if you are a transsexual woman at the core.  You may not be.  That's where gender counseling can help.  No one says that you have to transition, and there's no guarantee that doing do will bring happiness.  It's a process of self discovery. 

A word of warning, however... I transitioned late in life by suppressing and denying my true gender identity.  It eventually became intolerable to continue.  Once I started HRT, nothing could stop my moving headlong into full transition.  I'm not saying estrogen would have the same effect on you, we are all different, but be aware that it's a possibility, and may put you on a path that you're not yet prepared to follow.