Hey again, everyone!

So I'm just towards the beginning of my journey and everything, just starting to accept myself for who I am. I'm finding this process both exciting and terrifying. In my head, over the course of a day, I'm going back and forth a lot between trying to retell myself that I'm a cisgendered male (even though I've never been particularly comfortable with thinking of myself that way) and experimenting with makeup and wanting to wear dresses and longing to have boobs and long hair and...I suppose the question on my mind is this: is my teeter-tottering normal?

Thanks!

xoxo
Renée

Perfectly normal, my dear.

And, actually, perfectly healthy.  You need to see how you feel when you're gendered male versus how you feel when you're gendered female.  You can get that gendering from yourself, by looking in the mirror, through various presentations.  You can also get a taste of female gendering from support groups, which are usually much better at giving requested gendering than the cis population at large.

See how you feel.  What makes you happy?  And what doesn't?

OMG yes.  At least it's "normal" for me.  I go thru the same thoughts too.  Then tend to ebb and flow over time, but the closer in getting to full-time the thoughts come more often. 

It's normal, I hope.

Hi Renee,

   You-betcha it's normal. I've felt like that for years. I am even question my decision now though I have already started HRT and see changes happening. Underlying that though is my certain conviction that this is what I want for myself. When I let this though penetrate the doubts I feel a calmness return and know I am doing the right thing.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

Oh my god, I'm so relieved. It was a point of worry for me in the past two weeks which have been huge in my development as a person. It takes a weight off my shoulders knowing that this isn't an abnormal mindset.

As for the questions that were posed about how I feel, I immediately have started to feel more at peace. My girlfriend has noted that in pictures over the last couple weeks that I look progressively happier and more at one with myself and the world. I am enjoying experimenting with makeup and (on the RARE occasion due to circumstances of never being home alone) clothes. I always feel good when I'm recognized as female, when my girlfriend uses feminine pronouns to describe me...I just feel good about who I am and want to be in general, when I'm not going back and forth. So I feel REALLY good knowing that it's okay to be so inconsistent right now.

xoxo
Renée

Yep. I flip flop all the time between " i cant wait to look like a woman" to " I have clearly lost my mind".  The two keys for me 1) how persistent the feelings of being a woman are and 2) how living like a woman makes me feel. If the feeling persists over time ( 5+ years for me) and my feelings improve ( a sense of peace and normalcy) then i accept i am trans.
  Nevertheless society, friends and family really push your cis buttons. In the end this is a good thing. It makes you question yourself and gain clarity and confidence in who you are. Good luck girl

The questioning and seeming inability to be sure is very common, myself and countless other girls have been through it or are working through the various stages. For me, a combination of the increased frequency feelings, thoughts, and desires of being a woman/not feeling like I'm right in my own skin, and seeking out all of the resources to answer the question possible helped me to be sure, but it takes a lot to come to that conclusion, especially for those of us who lived their lives in repression and denial. I read all kinds of personal stories and articles. Eventually, I read about reframing the questions you asked yourself. Instead of asking "Am I trans?"  I started asking "Am I cis?" Suddenly the answer to my questioning became so much more clear. That's when the cracks in the walls I built up started breaking open. At the time, I had been searching for any other explanation that being transgender. it wasn't the answer I wanted, but coming to accept and be proud of who I am came very shortly after. To be clear, any way I approach it, I still don't want to be transgender. But I am a woman, even though I was born in the wrong body, I want to be a woman, and I want the world to see me for who I am.

Thank you everyone for your responses and two-cents-worth! Hearing that there is strength in the numbers is making me feel more at ease with myself. I'm excited to move forward again--and even more excited to go experiment with makeup with my girlfriend this afternoon!

xoxo
Renée

One thing that helped me was when I realized cis people NEVER think about their gender.  Ask around.  You will get strange looks and people won't understand the question because it's so foreign to them.  I thought about it all the time.

Quote from: Denise on February 12, 2017, 12:18:26 PM
One thing that helped me was when I realized cis people NEVER think about their gender.  Ask around.  You will get strange looks and people won't understand the question because it's so foreign to them.  I thought about it all the time.

That's an interesting point. That would definitely resonate with me, as for literal years straight it was the only thing I really put much thought into.

xoxo
Renée

I'm with Rambler.

Quote from: Rambler on February 12, 2017, 12:09:05 PM
Eventually, I read about reframing the questions you asked yourself. Instead of asking "Am I trans?"  I started asking "Am I cis?" Suddenly the answer to my questioning became so much more clear.

And with Denise.

Quote from: Denise on February 12, 2017, 12:18:26 PM
One thing that helped me was when I realized cis people NEVER think about their gender.  Ask around.  You will get strange looks and people won't understand the question because it's so foreign to them.

And then, if you're non-binary (I like the term intergender, as well) or gender-fluid (like some of us), you'll find the teeter-tottering a frequent occurrence.  Sometimes a more than once-a-day event. But, it seems that most every person on their trans* journey has at least some of it. Hang in there and give it some time. Things will become clearer as you journey and share with supportive people.

Hugs,
Jackie

Quote from: ImSomething on February 12, 2017, 10:59:51 AM
Hey again, everyone!

So I'm just towards the beginning of my journey and everything, just starting to accept myself for who I am. I'm finding this process both exciting and terrifying. In my head, over the course of a day, I'm going back and forth a lot between trying to retell myself that I'm a cisgendered male (even though I've never been particularly comfortable with thinking of myself that way) and experimenting with makeup and wanting to wear dresses and longing to have boobs and long hair and...I suppose the question on my mind is this: is my teeter-tottering normal?

Thanks!

xoxo
Renée

Well I'm by no means an expert.  I'm also fairly early in my journey but from what I've seen it is very normal.  I had the same questions you do.  I originally identified as non-binary, but as I've explored my own emotions, I found even that teetering back and forth between male and female was more a result of social conditioning and denial.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am female and that any male connections are simply just part of that conditioning and denial.  I'm all but certain at this point that I'll be transitioning to live full time as my true self. Step one was starting counseling which got me to this point.  Step two, I have an appointment in March with a doctor to discuss HRT (she was recommended by my counselor so getting the infamous "HRT Letter" is a done deal). From there I really don't know where things will go but there will be a social transition both in my work and my personal lives.  I don't know what surgeries if any are in my future but I can see bottom surgery as a real possibility for the first time in my life.

With all those doubts I did a lot of research and found a lot of commonality in that experience with other transsexuals.  Some are very confident from the beginning, but many are not as committed.  I found this video from Kristin Tynski particularly helpful in separating my true feelings and needs from the denial and self loathing I had practiced for the last 39 years.