So idk what came over me, but I was going through my Facebook last night and saw some old pictures of me when I was young, cute, happy, and literally the definition of a "twink" and it made me kind of sad. Like, I kept thinking I'm going to miss "that person" and wish I could "just be him" but we all know that never works out, haha. Do any of you guys deal with this? How do you get over it?


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I have the phantom identity bother me a lot... But i wasnt a ''twink''. I was a very masculine male, facial hair, hair on head slicked back, hairy body, i looked like a very greasey drifter at one point. When i am her and not ''him'' i am always like, ''why did i leave, it wasnt that bad i am sure i could go back i lived like that for 20 years''..... only when i went back i was miserable, high strung, suicidal, self harm, alcholic, would be so sick to my stomack i would vomit... was kinda worried about losing weight from that i almost ate 3 whole bricks of butter.. So even though i have doubts and moments of the old life i know i cant go back... i must move foward or i will probably kill myself. Still not sure why the old me wants to still live in head at times and not die off forever

I can't help you with the twink thing, that's an identity that you'll have to come to terms with saying goodbye to.  However, you're still young, extremely cute and I believe you will be happy once you get "used to" the authentic woman you are. 

I suspect this looking back is a deceptive way of seeing the "easier way" through life.  We believe that staying as we were means we don't have to go through the hurdles of being a transgender individual.  However, as we all know that's not reality.  That old life lead to bouts of anxiety, anger, depression and a hollow soul.  Remembering those difficult times will push you forward rather than looking back.

I live in abject fear of "Reverting" back to that former, lifeless, soulless Thing that I used to be

Quote from: staciM on February 12, 2017, 01:09:04 PM

I suspect this looking back is a deceptive way of seeing the "easier way" through life.  We believe that staying as we were means we don't have to go through the hurdles of being a transgender individual.  However, as we all know that's not reality.  That old life lead to bouts of anxiety, anger, depression and a hollow soul.  Remembering those difficult times will push you forward rather than looking back.

I think you are probably right on Staci. Transitioning can be wonderful but it can be hard. It's like knowing how to play the piano but realizing you are a drummer at heart. Sometimes you want to go back and tickle the old ivories because it isn't so darn hard. It doesn't mean being a piano player is your future. Just my own opinion.
Moni

  The "new" me isn't really here yet as I am so close to my starting line still. I can't wait for her to arricve but you know women. They take so darned long getting ready. Jeanette is no exception. I've been waiting sooo many years now that I get impatient.  When she does arrive I doubt I'll miss Leonard.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

Me it's reverse. It INFURIATES me to see my past self and I wished that phase of my life never even existed.

I miss being 20, but I don't miss being what I was. When I see pics of myself then I see myself, but I know what was behind the eyes.

Quote from: Kadence1 on February 12, 2017, 12:49:43 PM
. . . but I was going through my Facebook last night and saw some old

That was your first mistake right there. As Joan Baez once said, "We both know what memories can bring. They bring diamonds and rust."

Never was a twink...not so it showed or anything. But I was young and I was cute. Totally wasted on my ass. The only regret I have now is that I didn't take that young, cute angry guy and found some guts to have made him a young, cute happy girl. But those were different times. The "twinks" got beaten up and constantly ridiculed and thoughts of untrapping yourself from your birth defect were for those pioneering souls much braver than I. I can appreciate your sense of loss and regret, but be very happy you live in a time where this doesn't make you a pariah that's cast out from all you ever knew. That was the choice many of us had back in the day. I understand you weren't addressing my tired old self, but it hit something and I just felt a need to comment.

Not really,I know Jimmy had to die so Kim could live.

I'm kinda with Kylo on this one. I only feel sad when I see pictures of myself when I was younger, and I get a big lump in my throat. I often smile in those pictures and that hurts even more, cause when I look into my eyes I can see the self loathing, the confusion and the despair. I can't quite relate to feeling nostalgic about being my old self for that reason! My dad has commented to that I never really look happy in those pictures, its always the kind of plastic smiles politicians do where the eyes remain dead.

Every aspect of my life has in truth improved since I went full time 2 years ago, even though I'm very bad at it and take things slow. I see myself and my life moving forward in the direction I want, and I love everything about it. Shed my suicidal tendencies, the self harm, the self hate and my terrible teenage taste in angst-filled music. I never ever want to go back to being where I was, being that tragic and hate filled teenager.. Puberty 1.0 and manhood was just the worst!

I'm not sure it's a gender thing. Memories are memories and the happy, or bad, ones tend to stick.
I know what you mean though, it happened to me the other day. But truth is those are just moments caught in time. Cherish them and look forward to making new memories as you continue with your journey through life.

Peace,

shy

I can't say I miss much of anything of the past.  My childhood was Hell, I'm still dealing with the scars and open wounds in my soul from then.  No nostalgia there.  Not one single happy memory, only the odd moment of relief when I could get away and entirely forget who and where I was.

Later times were better and I don't regret them, because they made me who I am.  But each stage became constricting sooner or later and I had to shed it, the way an insect larva has to shed its old skin to grow.  And, hard and sometimes painful as some stages have been, I've always felt that life was getting better and better for me.

I guess that's my life: I've never looked back, only forward.

Except now that I'm seriously and effectively working on my trauma, I've had to look back, right into the Hell.  Not a pleasant experience, to put it mildly.  I'll be very happy once I've healed most of the damage and can shove those memories back in the darkest corner of the cellar and go back to making newer, happier ones.

Quote from: Kadence1 on February 12, 2017, 12:49:43 PM
So idk what came over me, but I was going through my Facebook last night and saw some old pictures of me when I was young, cute, happy, and literally the definition of a "twink" and it made me kind of sad. Like, I kept thinking I'm going to miss "that person" and wish I could "just be him" but we all know that never works out, haha. Do any of you guys deal with this? How do you get over it?

I don't know that I experience exactly that emotion, but I from time to time feel something that I think is driven by a similar root emotion. I think for many of us, leaving the familiar confines of the life we've known to embark on a journey into the unknown leaves us with some serious anxiety.  It sounds to me as you're feeling it in terms of "missing" your old self.  For me, it comes on as moments of "why would I give up all of what I have built for this new reality" which for me turns into doubts about whether I should transition or not.

I'll admit, I've made some great memories in the 39 years I've been on this earth. However, while there is a certain comfort in that familiar space, I've come to realize I don't actually know what comfort is.  For most of my life there's been this constant background noise of discomfort in my own skin. I've denied it, ignored it, re-labeled it but in the end it's always been there.  So when I start having doubts I try to remind myself that in the world I'm headed for, there's a new comfort I can't even imagine because I've never actually experienced it before.

Honey I've been hiding all my life. The only relief I get is like right now as I sit here all dressed up and nowhere to go. I love the feeling. I was a basketball player until I was 26. the tallest kid in school. I didn't like going into the locker room to dress or take a shower. I've always been self conscious of my boy parts. They used to call me tweezers, in reference to my very small member. As I got older I got angrier and angrier until I nearly lost my family. It took 33 years or so for my wife to tell me to change or find living arrangements elsewhere. So I went to a therapist. The seventh time and this time I let the cat out of the bag. I am happier now. My wife is happier now. I wish I had a choice like you do, when I was your age.