So, I'm not sure how to handle the conversation with my wife about my desire to transition... I wrote her a letter back in late December when I was first getting comfortable with this all and still was just thinking Crossdresser. I was going to wait until after the holidays so it would be easier. Then in January, she was going through some bad depression (her dad passed away a few years ago and his birthday is in Jan) so I decided to wait. Things got better emotionally and I begun going to therapy myself; but then I decided I should wait until after Valentines so I don't potentially deal the fatal blow to our relationship before such a big "love day"... But in the meanwhile, I've discovered so much more about Crystal and how much of her really is all of me. I guess I don't have many more solid excuses to procrastinate with.  Can anybody offer some advice that might help? Figured this might be the best forum to post in, maybe some SOs could give me some advice on how they handled things or how your partner could have better started the conversation.

I am not a fan of writing something like that to a spouse.  Part of relationships with spouses is communication and telling her/him from your heart to their face is important for life changing issues like this.  That is my opinion, though.

I trapped my wife when she was in the shower, went in the bathroom and just told her that I was trans.  I did not go into specifics with regard to the lengths that I wanted to go with transition at that point.  I wanted to get the truth out there to her and let that simmer before getting into the minutia of my intentions.  I told her details when she asked after telling her I was trans, but I did not want to overwhelm her.

That makes a lot of sense, I don't want to overwhelm her, but I'm much better with written words then I am orally. I stumble on my thoughts a lot and have trouble properly getting out what I want to say. When I came out to my parents as bi, I did it via letter and it went over pretty well. My thought was to give it to her in person and let her read it and take it all in and then she could ask me any questions that were necessary. My fear is that telling her out right, she will freak out a little and interrupt me a lot and it might be more dramatic then it could be otherwise, although of course I am expecting drama no matter what.

I see what you mean, and it makes sense from that perspective.  You know your communication skills and your two's relationship better than anyone.  My only real caution is to not flood her with all of it.  It takes time to absorb, even if you've been dropping hints for years about it.  Transition is a marathon, not a sprint, and part of transition is coming out to a spouse for many people.  Take your time with them and the discussions.

Absolutely, I was careful in crafting the letter to not overload it, I more explained the things that have been going through my mind and all of that. Didn't actually use the words transgender or transition, so she might take it as meaning I like to crossdress and that's it. Which, although isn't really a simple thing, it has much less long term effect on us as a couple. I'm going to take another good look at the letter this week and see if there is any more cleanup I can do to make it simple and ensure it's not too much too soon, I would rather it be very short and simple then the rest comes out via conversation.

Good idea!  Less is more, although there will be more to come!!
Good luck, Crystal.  I am rooting for ya!

Thank you so much

Crystal - as a SO that recently had this conversation, I found it helpful to gain insight into how my spouse "wife" felt and what her struggles have been.  Once I was able to understand the years of struggling and what was needed to reduce the depression, only then was she able to dive into the "I need to transition" subject.  This allowed me time to process and for her to build up my support before the big discussion.  It was a hard and time consuming few weeks but IMO the best approach she could have taken for us.  It has been the similar approach we've used with our son and the family we've allowed into our ever growing circle of support.

I wish you luck and try to understand you've had years to get to this point.  She will need to process and if you can offer her that "no question is off limits" and that there is complete honesty between each of you, I think this will bring you closer together.

One final suggestion - Friday night or Saturday morning would be a better time to begin your talk if your wife does not work weekends.  It gives her time to process before the work week starts. 


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Thank you for the advice, I'll definitely take that to heart when my wife and I talk. I was actually thinking of trying to have the conversation tonight, she's off from work the next 3 days, so like you suggested, it will give her some time to process it all.

On a side note, I told one of my best friends last night. She took it really well and is extremely supportive. I even woke up to a message from her, calling me Crystal. I can only hope the next few such conversations can go as well.

There's no easy way to have that conversation.  It took me months to work up the courage.

If it is your desire to stay in the relationship, be sure to tell her that early in the conversation.  It is natural for her to think "OMG, he's going to leave me" right off the bat, so you need to reassure her if that is not the case.  Answer her questions truthfully, but remember that it is okay to answer "I don't know" if you don't.  In fact, every "I don't know" is an opportunity for her to be involved in planning the future, something that will be empowering to her.

She will be feeling that a rug has been pulled out from under her, and it is your job to reassure her and help her emotionally, even if it feels like you are the one in crisis. 

Good luck!

I just came out with it and my wife just went into meltdown , cant understand had no clue ect (unlike my sister who wasn't surprised) so now living on my own, best think I ever did but that's me.

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. In the last 2 days, I've come out to my mother and my two best friends. Two friends were extremely supportive and I couldnt have expected better replies from them. I can see some discomfort from my mother but she said that she.will support me no matter what. She then expressed her concern because "its hard to picture such a hairy man in a dress." I told her all of the hair will of course be removed and her final words on the subject were "just remember that you will always be my son and I love you."

I know she'll be there no matter what, but I don't think she fully understands the depth of the matter. I'll deal with that in time. Today I'm planning on having the conversation with my wife. I'm terrified, but it can't wait.any longer.

I saw my therapist last night and she was practically giddy with excitement that I'm starting to come out. I was forced to promose that I'll email her after the conversation with my wife is over amd let her know how.it went. I'll of course return here as soon as I can afterwards as well.

Thanks again everyone.

Dropping the T-Bomb is something best done face to face. I was on my drive home from my third ever TG support group meeting still feeling totally floored. Still feeling that I needed to be there. And knowing it is almost too late to tell my wife what was up. You may want to prepare a few notes. Having tried that myself I can guarantee the conversation will quickly divert from the script.

One important point to keep in mind is that you have likely spent an entire lifetime and barely have a handle on what your feelings are today. As you have said, what you felt a few months back is even different from your feelings today. I can practically guarantee your feelings, your visions of the future will continue to change as time goes on and you continue to grow and learn who and what you really are. Your spouse has had mere milli-seconds to process the T-Bomb and is seeing her entire image of herself, her past, her future, the shared future explode.

All the filters may be shut off as she viscerally responds. The reptilian brain in complete control. You will need to be strong and try to filter her message from the words. Listen for what is trying to tell you or ask you, not to the words. Assuming there are words and not a total meltdown.

BTW - "I don't Know" is a perfectly valid answer. Saying "Today I feel that_____ but I cannot say if later on I still will". She will be looking surety. Something solid to latch onto after being totally blown away.

What has saved, so far, my marriage is the open honest and often difficult discussions. A big aspect of my transitioning has been learning how to talk. To try to express feelings in some sort of coherent way to her when I could barely describe them to me.

And, of course, prepare for the absolute worse case response. These sort of talks often don't go well. Even with a spouse who knew she was married to a guy with gender issues settling on being a CD as it was in my case. Anger, betrayal, feeling like an idiot for being "fooled". "If only I knew...." "All these wasted years...."

Got some time to speak with my mom a little bit. She asked some questions and I helped her get past some false stereotypes that she was stuck on. She's very supportive and is going to help lay the groundwork for telling my father.

And then the big one came... I told my wife that I had something I needed to share with her but I was struggling to put into words aloud. I assured her that my feelings for her have not changed at all and that while her instincts right now might be telling her that I cheated, I have never even considered such a thing. And then I sent her the email. She read it and we spoke, I told her about my struggle over the years with accepting this and how I've been beating myself up over not telling her for the last few months. I think she was more upset with how long I've kept the secret then she was about the secret. She assured me that she still loves me and this will not change our marriage. I told her that when she is ready, I have some books about this for her to read and that I would like her to eventually join this website so she can communicate with other spouses for support.

She has been crying a little ever since we finished talking, which I expected. Now I guess I can only give her time.

Congrats Crystal, the hard part is over.  Give her time if she asks for it, but keep the open and honest dialog going.  You don't want misunderstanding or misconceptions to creep into her inner thought process....those can really spiral.  Good luck, it sounds positive.

Way to go, Crystal!

....also, if your wife needs a SO to chat with in the community (if she decides to join), my wife who responded earlier in this thread (pligirl75) would be happy to help.

Thanks a lot. My wife did join and posted over in the SO forum... I'm sure she will appreciate the help.

Wow, I actually felt relief for you while reading your post about telling your wife.
Very happy for you.

Thank you Ainsley, it wasn't nearly as hard as I had expected it to be. But the days since have been a bit of a rollercoaster, which I fully expected. overall, I think she is handling it better then I had anticipated. The fact that she joined us here so quickly was a huge surprise.