I'm at a point where i could get a script for T if i asked for one, but I can't decide if i want to. Last time i went to the clinic, i didn't feel excited at all, only anxious -- so I didn't do the paperwork. I was just wondering how everyone else decided and what tipped them over into going with or without T.

Obvs i know it's ultimately up to me but I'm curious what everyone else felt. I feel like most people have no doubts and just do it :/

If you want any more details about my situation -- I'm concerned about being unlucky and only getting the more negative effects like hairloss and sweat and none of the others, like the voice drop (which I'm pretty desperate for) and downstairs growth etc. I'm also not actually keen on facial hair. Most of all, it's the uncertainty and unpredictability that bothers me.

For me, my initial feelings of dysphoria were mostly about how I was perceived by others and how I was seen in the world. Socially transitioning was nice because I could hear the right name and pronouns, but it didn't change how I interacted with strangers. So I knew that I would need to take T in order to change that. Even if it had done nothing for me physically (and thus also socially), I think I still would've continued taking it due to how it affected me mentally. T did wonders for my mental state.

If it helps, I've never met a guy who had no downstairs growth and that is one of the first things most people seem to experience. Everyone also seems to at least get some level of voice change, and that also typically starts fairly early. Re: hair loss, check out the dudes on your mom's side of the family. If they are balding, you will most likely experience male pattern baldness. Same thing for facial hair - if they are are beardy you are likely predisposed to bearding. I was a sweaty dude pre-T so can't speak to any changes in that department.

About 2-3 years ago I was unsure about taking it.

But what pushed me to do it was more research and then learning unless I did take T the majority of masculinizing effects would never be seen or felt by myself or others. Having taken T now, I know that's the case, at least it was for me.

The other thing that pushed me to do it was learning that I required HRT in any case. Whether female or male - my levels of T or E were just too low for good health anyway, and I was feeling the effects of it. I knew E never did me much good, and at least T would fix some of the health problems associated with low T and E and would give me the effects I wanted. In hindsight, I felt like one of those stray mutts they find caked in mud and looking like it might slowly deteriorate in health regardless, compared to how I feel now. The hormones have put me back in good physical health, and the T has improved my mental state in more ways than I can explain.

I knew I'd never get the voice, the musculature, the face structure, etc. without taking it. I found I was prepared to take the risks to have a new shot at life. So far, everything has only improved on T.

Hairloss is always a risk I guess, but my dad and grandfathers on both sides all kept their hair (hell, my surviving gramps has a better hairline than most 40 yr olds I know) so it'll be extreme bad luck I guess if I don't turn out the same. I wasn't hot on facial hair myself in the past but I've found myself not minding it since starting T. It's normal, it's something every other guy deals with and if you don't like it you can remove it. My lower voice and increased strength and stamina (and healing ability apparently) is definitely a plus. Haven't felt good about myself in a long time till now - it's almost an alien feeling to feel proud of one's body, but it's a damn good feeling.

I was unsure about T so I did top surgery first. I was sure I wanted that. After that time goes by and you just come to the conclusion that there is always uncertainty. If I would have never started then I would have always wondered about starting. Some things are easier as female and others as male. Being trans is hard in other ways too but it opens the perceptions of other things that cis people don't think about. Just keep in mind the changes are slow; you don't wake up one day with a full beard. That hair that has showed up on my face isn't that bad and I didn't really want any in the first place. I do know face hair will help with perception of myself to others. At over 9 months I am passing 99% of the time and that feels good. Trans is about being comfortable with yourself every day. If you are not comfortable then do something to work to get there.

I was kinda in the same boat. I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted to take T but I wasn't 100% sure I DIDN'T want to take T either. I talked to a bunch of trans friends and they all basically said "You can stop at any point." and guess what? You can! You can get the script, fill it, and never take the shot. You can take the first dose and then regret it the next day and never do it again. At any point in the transition period where you start seeing changes that you don't like or want. You can stop. I felt that very comforting because unless you 100% know you are a boy and need to look like one (I am non-binary), it can be very scary to know if you are making the right choice.

Since starting T I have not regret my decision. There is still fear surrounding certain scenarios and social situations that I didn't have to deal with before starting T but those are just fears. They aren't realities for me. I can't trip about something that hasn't happened yet.

It's ok to be hesitant. This is a big life decision but nothing is over night permanent, you can still stop even once you've started.

It's the reality of realizing that I would never pass as a grown man without it. It took me a few years to get comfortable with the idea of having the less desirable side effects. Once I got past that inner turmoil and accepted that there's a lot more undesired traits that comes with estrogen, I learned to compromise and focus on the positives of testosterone. Some people may never see me as male because of their own views and perspective (the people who know about my Trans status I mean), but at least with T, the vast majority of people I'll interact with will treat me as a man without them even knowing it.

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Part of my hesitance with taking T is having to hide it from my family, I looked at pictures of guys who passed well and I was worried that I would pass TOO well, that I couldnt be androgynous enough to be female when I needed to and male other times. Besides that I hadnt wanted to overmasculinize anyways. I liked being kind of a femme boy, I didnt want to get all beardy or muscle-y when Im older.

That said, those were my only concerns, when I finally got my first shot of T, which was the same day as my appointment, I was actually incredibly excited. I was under the impression I would have to jump through hoops to get on it, dare I dream of all the changes with transitioning. As soon as I got it there wasnt any hesitations I felt more amazing taking it than not. At that point I forgot my previous hesitations my mind was under "Take it now, ask questions later"

I like how I look, and I feel great. Im planning on coming out soon which...I guess was bound to happen regardless.

I second what was said above I asked my doctor if I could take a little less if I wanted my changes to remain stable and she said yes. Its not something to be afraid of if you need the peace of mind from trying it.

Idk is this would make you feel better but I didn't care for receding/balding in fact I liked it because it gives a more masculine look. and anyway, hair transplants arent going anywhere.

Thanks for your replies everyone

Quote from: Alexthecat on February 17, 2017, 08:17:25 PM
I was unsure about T so I did top surgery first. I was sure I wanted that.

yeah that's what i'm probably doing too so i have a lot of time to decide

i know i can go off it if i don't like it, but some of the things that might cause me to not like it are irreversible so it would be too late haha

i do also want to look older than 12, that would be a big bonus.

At the time, I was taking birth control and it started taking it's toll on me after six months, and it wasn't worth it anymore. Being reminded of shark week was slowly killing me, and I wanted a permanent solution to get that weeded out and to help me be more comfortable with myself.

It took me almost two years to decide to go on T. Most of that decision was based upon my weight at first until I met a few transmen that were on the heavy side and they were doing fine. I wasn't so sure how I would feel about bottom growth either but my opinion has changed over time and I'm very cool with it now. E has never been my friend and it turns out I had Estrogen Dominance with a crazy bad number which was causing a lot of my health problems and the only reason I know about it is because I had decided to go on T and the doctor checks some stuff to get a baseline.

There were a lot of things I wanted to be done with that revolve around E and one of the biggest things that convinced me that I needed T personally is my voice. I would be gendered correctly all the time till I started to talk and it really started to frustrate me. The happy feeling I had with being myself took a few hits with something like that and I didn't like how it made me feel. So now my health is turning around, hopefully my voice starts to drop soon as I'm only 2 months on T and I'm looking forward to turning into an Ewok hopefully.

Sure I'd like to have time back where I was questioning everything and requestioning it but that's okay because it gives you time to really learn about yourself and what you need to be happy.

The 'not knowing' made me apprehensive at first. It's a gamble, HRT, and I knew I had to be prepared to accept all the possible scenarios.
That being said, apart from possibly going bald and knowing I'd have to deal with acne all over again, there really weren't any downsides for me. I want(ed) to be as muscular, hairy, bearded and deep-voiced as possible. Those things were never going to happen on any acceptable scale without altering my predominant sex hormone so I took the dive.

What I'm trying to say is that, even when you're as close to 100% sure as possible, you're never going to be without doubts or fears.

I guess another big reason was not feeling like there's anything to lose. I hate my old voice, my old face, there's nothing I like about having any female secondary sexual characteristics or organs and that's just not any way to live life. I wasn't living it, just existing.

I don't even think I know just how low I feel about it because I've never fully confronted it; but did know that if there was some opportunity to feel less uncomfortable, I was going to take it. As soon as I heard transition was possible I might as well have already made the decision to do it because I knew I was going nowhere in my old state, and social transition alone wasn't going to be enough for me. I wanted to feel it 100%, not it be another case of feeling like sitting on the sidelines of my own life.

I was hesitant because I thought there would be so many hoops to go through to get on T and my crippling self-doubt kept asking 'what if I'm wrong?' and all that so didn't want to waste time and money just in case. Also saw a lot of the bad stuff openly trans people have to deal with sometimes and thought I was able to get by just doing little things like drawing beards on with Sharpie.

What ultimately made me change my mind was the overwhelming dread I started feeling about the idea of living my entire life as a female. Contributing factors would be the dysphoria I felt every time someone said 'but you're a girl' and just simple everyday things that made me hate who I was.

Wouldn't have been able to make the change to T without the amazing support of the first few friends I came out to either.

Once I knew I was transitioning I had no doubts. I'm not gender queer, or agender, or androgynous. I'm a masculine binary dude. T all day for me.

living as a woman, trying to content myself with calling myself "gender fluid" or "genderqueer" in private, and realizing that i just couldn't any more.  no matter how i tried to rationalize the obvious divide between my internal gender and what i appeared to be/was living as, i was somebody's wife and it bothered me.  just before my spouse and I finally had "the talk" (and eventually broke up because of it), i came to the understanding that my feminine persona was just that: a persona.  it was not just me being something that wasn't fully male on the inside.  it was me playing pretend in order to fit a role i felt i had no choice but to follow.  but the more i did, the worse i felt about it.  so when i decided that i had to acknowledge my identity as male and transition for my own peace of mind, the decision to take hormones when possible was of course a part of that. 
granted, i still haven't reached that stage.  years later, almost nothing has changed and i almost feel like the decision was made prematurely due to my lack of ability to actually do anything about it.  but the decision was made the moment i accepted who i really was, regardless of when i'm able to actually act on it.

I think it's pretty usual for people to be uncertain at least at some point about HRT, even if they didn't talk about it. I think it's a healthy thing, actually.

I actually gave myself a limitation that I had to wait a minimum of one year before finalizing my decision. I didn't precisely hold to that, it was probably something like 8 months when I went to my doctor about it, but by then I had gone through a lot of processing and was absolutely certain of what I wanted, so there wasn't much point in waiting. Although, it was a long time after that (I don't know how many months) before I got the first shot so... But that forced me to slow down and not be so anxious about the "when". No need for you to do that of course (unless you want to), but the point is that there's value in giving yourself time to think things through and go at your own pace. Also, there isn't a "right" or "wrong" way to feel - it's just whatever you feel or don't feel.

Something I had read somewhere that helped me pre-t went something like this: if you were on a deserted island and you could be whatever you wanted in regards to your gender, physically and mentally, what would you be?
Of course, the point is to give your mind a scenario that isn't bogged down with social pressures and expectations (including from the trans community) and a safe place to be yourself. Sometimes that's enough to allow your brain to shed all of that for a moment to give you some clarity.

I knew for a fact that my life was going nowhere if I did not transition (start T).
The thought of staying in that situation where estrogen was running my life, made me depressive.

I also had CRPS (chronic regional pain syndrome) which encouraged me to take T, because there is some evidence that testosterone helps with chronic pain - and in my case it did. I was able to rehabilitate.

I've got 4 months til my next appointment so i have time to think about it... I'm considering just going on it for a limited time so i can see if my voice will drop -- though i guess that might change once I actually start. but i'm still not sure

I just came to the realization that I needed to be seen and treated as a man, and it was impossible without the T. Some people can cut their hair and just wear men's clothing and can be androgynous enough to pass kinda. But there was no way anyone would see me as male. Humans are fine tuned at perceiving the subtle and not so subtle differences between the genders, so I knew that was right for me because not only is it changing my body to the way I need it to be for myself, but it's helping me live my life as a man in this society. Grown men don't have high pitched voices, they don't have round hairless faces and they don't have curvy soft bodies, and the only way to get rid of those things realistically is through T.

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