Hello Gals!

I hope all of you are having a wonderful weekend.  My name is Jackie, and I'm a potential transgender female.  I say potential because I am at the (official) beginning of my gender journey; although I have been reading, and reading, and reading, and YouTube, YouTube, YouTube for a few months now.  Thanks to all of you who have posted vids on YouTube, most of them have been very, very helpful.  I guess this is my time to share so here goes.... 

To make a rather long story short, after spending several decades suppressing the true me, and ending up in the hospital in July 2016 from the stress of it all, with everyone thinking I may have been having a stroke, I finally realized it was time to start enjoying life for a change.  It is certainly true what the professionals say about the lifetime effects of stress.  Then after lots and lots of self-evaluation, appointments with my doctor, Endocrinologist, and therapist it finally began making sense as to why I was always so angry, and quick to rage.  And then spending about 40 years to suppress it all with drugs and booze.  After annoying everyone I knew to the point of leaving me, it was time to look at myself in the mirror and be honest with myself – why was everyone gone?  And how had I ended up spending a lifetime of wages on drugs and booze?  It's a tragic story of a little boy who was emotionally neglected, and physically beaten and verbally and mentally abused by his biological father.  I now understand, it was his own insecurities that was the instigator of his abuse.  That does NOT make it right, and I will never be able to forgive or forget, but I have found the ability to just let it go.  Those parents don't get to have one more second of my life.  If any of the rest of you are experiencing the same, there is still time to fix your life and have a happy existence with the remainder of your life.  The key for me was seeing a therapist (i.e. psychologist).  It was such a relief to be in a safe and comfortable atmosphere, where the one listening did so completely unconditionally.  It was like tons of guilt, self-doubt, frustration, anger, and mental abuse were lifted off my soldiers.  Now for the best part,...as of two days ago, I finally found a Gender Therapist, who is a transgendered man.  Perfect!  I'm so excited about my first visit with him.  It'll be just in time for my 60th Birthday!  I was 20 yesterday, I'll be 80 tomorrow,...no more time to waste.  I'm changing my name and taking back my life!  Be proud!  Be good!!  And try to leave a little something to help others!!!  That's me!  Have a wonderful day everyone!  Smiles, Jackie

Hi Jackie, I'm P. Congratulations on taking back your life!!!

I am also at the beginning of my journey. All of the steps you are taking sound like they've been really helpful. I haven't seen a therapist yet, but hearing that your experience was very positive makes me think that it would be good to start on that path. I definitely relate to some of what you shared about using drugs and alcohol to cover up your feelings. Thanks for sharing your story.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Hi Jackie 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

Thanks P!

I'm glad my story may have helped a little.  You know, while I'm excited things are finally beginning to happen for me, I completely forgot about my feelings throughout my life.  Maybe it doesn't matter now that I've posted my initial intro.  But if anyone is interested,...my family was/is ultra conservative (there's a reason I live 2500 miles away, haha!).  I am one of the thousands who had the binary form of existence repeatedly reinforced.  Silently; keeping it completely to myself, it drove me bonkers! 

I did everything a boy/young male/adult male is supposed to do in a binary world (i.e. hunt, fish, baseball, football, form the six-pack and wedge – no neck, 22 inch biceps,  60 inch chest, and on to college football).  And there are others out there who have done much, much more than me.  But, I was always envious of the girls.  And why shouldn't I have been?  All the colors and textures they got to wear; the makeup and jewelry.  Wow!  And if the range of shoes weren't enough, they then transformed into beautiful creatures.  Hey, I got ripped off, haha!!  I don't remember ever having the courage to cross dress, but I certainly remember the desire; every time I entered a department store.  The closest I ever got was wearing one of those 70's paisley designed shirts/blouses like Sly (of Sly and the Family Stone) used to wear during their performances, and a fraternity drag fest (secretly it was awesome - finding a bra back then was a challenge, but there was indeed a young woman who was happy to accommodate me - funny, now looking back at it all, hahaha!)  I remember coming home from high school one day and that paisley shirt/blouse had suddenly vanished.  I didn't think much of it at the time, but now....  It doesn't matter now.  None of it does.  I'm free baby!  Like I said in my initial post; to me, the only thing that matters is that I'm getting closer to my true self, AND IT FEELS GREAT!  Good luck to everyone on their journey.  Smiles, Jackie

Seattle area here...five years ago I was where you are now, Jackie! 21 Feb is my "anniversary" of starting HRT. I had GRS just over a month ago! Yes, it gets even better with each step big or small, that we take. Just remember to take time to enjoy each step, each phase of your journey.

I've been told by several people that I look like an NFL linebacker*, which hurt my self-image of being a dainty l'il thang...but oh well! We have what we have, it's good for self-defense if nothing else! Although I have seen some incredible transitions here on Susan's, some with beaucoup money and others with just their wits and goodness knows what else.

*fwiw, I'm nowhere near that big!

Sly and the family, eh? I remember when the Beegees and ABBA was hot! (They still are, to me anyway) Almost the same era, methinks.

Welcome to Susan's!

Welcome to the club Jackie.  I'm  58 and I started almost a year and a half ago and I can say without a doubt it's been the best year of my life.  Easy? No. But easy is way overrated. 

Quote from: chemistrygal on February 18, 2017, 06:29:55 PM
But, I was always envious of the girls.  And why shouldn't I have been?  All the colors and textures they got to wear; the makeup and jewelry.  Wow!  And if the range of shoes weren't enough, they then transformed into beautiful creatures.

I hear you. It's like having a party in your closet. Tho I do hate closets.  I took the doors off mine after I came out. I can't stand doors on closets anymore. Weird huh?

Hi Beth Andrea,

Thanks for your comments!  I appreciate them very much.  It's funny you should mention the size thing.  Actually, as it's turned out for me.  I put myself on a rather radical diet due to some hypertension (as a result of all the years of suppression), and I'm pretty slim now.  I did lose a lot of muscle mass because of it.  So now, I'm just doing some 20 min walks and some light dumbbells, pushups, and the like.  But you've definitely got a point about the size being a deterrent.  I was in a department store the other day, with my favorite "Impeach..." T-shirt and sporting some light eye makeup (Jackie is coming out slowly, but she's getting there), and this rather large conservative guy was about to make a gesture and say something when I stopped, stared right at him, and waited.  His hands went back into his pockets asap!  I had been concerned about that sort of thing.  It was my first small victory in public!  Power to the LBGTQ community!!!  Smiles, Jackie

Hi Jane Emily,

Thanks for adding some nice comments to my introduction.  When I made my first appointment with a Gender Therapist yesterday (a transgendered man), he mentioned that he is actually 55 years of age, and that a number of his clients are between his age and mine.  Who knew?!  Wow, this is awesome to be in such a great community.  And I gotta say, I really like your idea about your closet doors.  That's pretty cool.  I would've never thought of doing that.  I think I'll try that tomorrow! Of course, that will force me to do something with all those daytime boy clothes.  An, transitions....  One day, they'll all go to the Goodwill.  I knew there was a reason I was saving those great beaded door curtains from back in the day, haha!! Thanks for the tip, I like it!!  Hope you have a great remainder of your weekend.  Smiles, Jackie
(Hmm, doors off the closet - yep, I really do like that idea.  You may have just started a trend)

Hello and welcome Jackie,

I am out near Astoria on the Oregon coast and love it here.  Much of your post was all to familiar to me and it is very good to hear that you are coming on out and talking with folks.  I like what you are saying and happy to join you as another who is proud to have taken her life back and feels free.