Warning! This post may be a trigger for some people.

Hi there!

I am interested in knowing what dysphoria feels like and how it gets triggered in others, and hopefully learn some ways for me to deal with it.

First, a little about myself. Skip to the bottom if you don't want to read my story.

I am a 44 year old mtf, happily married for 15 years and have only seriously started addressing my gender issues since about mid 2015. I have. It taken any steps towards transitioning other than shaving my body hair. (Some of you may know me as jayne01, a previous username I had here at Susan's). Throughout my whole life, I always felt like something was off with me,  it could not put my finger on it. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I never considered myself to be transgender, I didn't even know what that word was. So, whenever I had the urge to crossdress, it was always accompanied by loads of shame and guilt, to the point where each and every time I would make a promise to myself that "this would be the absolute last time" that I would crossdress.  No one would ever find out and I would take that to the grave with me. I was so deeply ashamed of myself that I would bury each cross dressing "incident" so deep into the darkest corners of my memory that I had forgotten that these events even took place, until after substantial amounts of therapy over the past couple of years. I thought I had some kind of sick, perverse mind.

Around mid 2015, the urge to crossdress returned with a vengeance. I joined this forum and started to learn that being trans wasn't a sickness or a lifestyle choice. It was simply just another way of existing in the world. It is nobody's fault, it just is what it is. It took almost 18 months of therapy with 4 different therapists to get to that point.

After lots and lots of soul searching and trying to let go of the mountain of internalised transphobia, I am now able to accept myself as being transgender. It didn't come easy. The process almost cost me my life on several occasions due to some half serious suicide attempts. It is only due to my amazing wife and the heroic efforts of my therapist that I believe I am still here today. I still have a long way to go, but at least now I am happy to be alive, although not too happy about being trans.

My question is about dysphoria. For me, when I am feeling dysphoric, it is a feeling of emptiness. Like something huge is missing from inside of me. That is the best way I can think of to describe it. I seem to get triggered by seemingly little things. One minute I could be happily going on about my business, then I would see a woman and all of a sudden I just want to be her. It might be her feminine hands or nails that sets me off, or maybe her hair, or sometimes it is her as a whole. Once I get triggered, I feel a massive void inside of me. Sometimes I would get a mild anxiety attack and start getting short of breath and a little light headed. I can calm myself if I can find a place to sit for a while and close my eyes, imagine myself being female. Eventually the feeling subsides and I can function again, and the dysphoria goes into the background, but it never goes away entirely.

How does dysphoria present itself to you and what methods do you use to cope?

If you managed to read through all that, thank you for your patience. I look forward to reading your comments.

Jessie

I always felt I didn't belong in my body. Not 'my body isn't right', I really felt 'this is not my body'.. So I treated my body terribly, which I very much regret now. Started doing the whole 'cutting myself' thing as a teenager which I've since really hated myself for doing even as the scars are fading -tho JessicaK gave me a new outlook on that.. Thanks hun <3.

My main source of dysphoria by far are my genitals, I really cant get to terms with that thing down there. I struggle so much involving it during sex cause I cannot get past the idea that it isn't right for me, so I simply don't do it. I like very much spending time with a partner and making them have a good time, but I cant commit myself fully. When hit by the worst dysphoria I sink into a sort of emotional pit and feel alone, afraid and full of self loathing. There's nothing I'd rather do in those moments than disappear from the face of the earth, but my dad has been an absolute rock in my life and hauled me out of that deepest darkest hole again and again. I owe him everything, he is the only thing that kept me alive to adulthood! These feelings are usually triggered by my own reflection in the mirror, or when I hear my own voice when I speak.. I have been working hard on my voice, but I find it very difficult to achieve a good result. Thinks like being identified as male and the intense rudeness of certain people one meets certainly doesn't help, but most of the time I manage to push through those and keep going. And ofc.. I too am very jealous of pretty women I see on the street, that seem to be everything I want for myself!

I still feel ugly, manly and unattractive every day, but I feel like I can see the light in the end of the tunnel now. Starting HRT alleviated a lot of the worst dysphoria, and combined with the hope I have for what the future will bring -the changes to my body from HRT, surgeries and all that..- I manage to stay out of that awful pit of despair nearly all the time. Life is getting better every day -I am in fact starting to enjoy and have a real thirst for life, for the first time since I was a child- and I do my best to be happy, smiling and positive as I slowly ride to the top

Quote from: Floof on February 20, 2017, 03:43:06 AM
When hit by the worst dysphoria I sink into a sort of emotional pit and feel alone, afraid and full of self loathing. There's nothing I'd rather do in those moments than disappear from the face of the earth,

I feel like that too. When I get like that, I find it all too easy to start abusing myself, not physically but mentally. This anger and hatred builds up within me and turns me into someone I don't like at all. It almost seems like a self defence reaction because the anger and hatred reduces the dysphoria, but that reduced dysphoria comes at a price.

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but my dad has been an absolute rock in my life and hauled me out of that deepest darkest hole again and again. I owe him everything, he is the only thing that kept me alive to adulthood!

That is really great to hear that your father is there for you.

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These feelings are usually triggered by my own reflection in the mirror, or when I hear my own voice when I speak.. I have been working hard on my voice, but I find it very difficult to achieve a good result.

What kind of work are you doing with your voice? Are you seeing some kind of voice coach?

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I still feel ugly, manly and unattractive every day, but I feel like I can see the light in the end of the tunnel now.

If your avatar photo is actually you, I don't think you are ugly or manly at all. You seem to me like you pass as female very easily.

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Starting HRT alleviated a lot of the worst dysphoria, and combined with the hope I have for what the future will bring -the changes to my body from HRT, surgeries and all that..- I manage to stay out of that awful pit of despair nearly all the time. Life is getting better every day -I am in fact starting to enjoy and have a real thirst for life, for the first time since I was a child- and I do my best to be happy, smiling and positive as I slowly ride to the top

I'm glad things are looking positive for you. The general consensus seems to be that HRT has an amazing effect on ones state of mind, as well as the physical changes. I don't yet know if HRT is an option for me. Maybe someday I can start a trial run and see how it goes for both me and for my wife.

Thanks for your reply,
Jessie

I have always felt like i couldn't feel comfortable with my body. its a feeling of incongruency with me. I look down at my body and i just feel pain. I look at other girls and I become envious that they were born with the correct parts and I had to deal with what i have. On good days i don't even think about it, sometimes i don't even notice my male parts. However every night when i go to bed, I think about what would my life be like if i was in the correct body. I always hope that i would dream about being a girl, because my dreams are so realistic, its as close as i'm going to get without having to go through the whole transition process, which btw i'll be starting soon. All in all having dysphoria hurts, its exhausting, and makes me depressed, and sometimes I cant muster the energy to even get out of bed, because all i want to do is think about what my life would be like as a girl.The best thing that I can do to tame the dysphoria is to distract myself by keeping busy, or obsessing over whatever caught my interests at the moment.

I have another image in my head and every time I see myself I become disapointed. I hate my chest. I have no sex. I am FtM.

Quote from: Jessie007 on February 20, 2017, 04:41:03 AM
What kind of work are you doing with your voice? Are you seeing some kind of voice coach?

If your avatar photo is actually you, I don't think you are ugly or manly at all. You seem to me like you pass as female very easily.

Yea I see a voice coach and she has been a good help. I have a VERY deep and sort of shaky natural voice though, so when I do find a tone of voice I like I have a very hard time staying there without hints of the deep natural voice breaking through mid sentence. Am working very hard on it though and get some slow but steady improvement every month. I actually find it easier to sound good in English; my particular dialect of Norwegian is turning out to be very difficult to work with!

I am flattered thanks I know for a fact I don't pass though, but I am working on it. Have so much more motivation to improve myself after getting to start HRT, which is a very slow process in my country.

Quote from: MeTonie on February 20, 2017, 05:15:06 AM
I have another image in my head and every time I see myself I become disapointed. I hate my chest. I have no sex. I am FtM.

Ohw yea, I absolutely have this too.. When I'm in a good mood and just going about my day I suppose I simply forget the reality of my appearance, so when I then look in a mirror or have to go to the toilet I'm absolutely crushed by what I see.

Wow, let's see my dysphoric feelings, huh

General hate of my body over most of my life. So much that I didn't care about myself. I made myself the martyr in many ways, physically, emotionally

Seeing myself in the mirror would make me feel depressed. Sometimes seeing my physical self would be almost a surprise of sorts. It's like I didn't expect to see the man in the mirror.

Never being able to fit into male society or society in general. Yes I went to work but before meeting my wife I spent a decade avoiding anyone but immediate family. Being in social situations was uncomfortable enough I would rather just avoid it.

Seeing a woman with her kids, especially newborns just brought out such sadness. Such longing for a life like hers.

Always being on guard so to speak around people. Always needing to notice what they are doing, saying, acting so I could model male behavior the correct way to interact with them. Social behavior has always been a mental task. There was always the worry, what if someone thinks I'm girlish in some way. Since my earliest school years I learned what not to do, what not to show, to avoid being picked on and bullied more than I already was. This continues on today as I am not near being able to socially transition yet. Basically it caused a constant level of general anxiety life long.

The anxiety, the fear of my true self being seen, caused me to find a way to turn my mind away from most emotion the instant it emerged. In many ways I turned my emotional brain off. Unfortunately the emotions of fear and anger come from a more primitive part of the brain and remained much more active despite my best efforts. My goal was total self control. A few people here have mentioned trying to emulate Spock from Star Trek. Funny enough I had the same thoughts when I was young.

Ok thinking back to cross dressing when younger, I remember sometimes for just a few seconds being able to disassociate from my reality and feel like the real me. I remember a few seconds of happiness before reality sunk in and guilt, depression started. I thought I was sick and dirty.

One memory that is so strong for me, once going through old dresses and clothes in my grandparents upstairs closets I found the wedding gown both my grandmother and mom wore. I put it on. I was just small enough to still fit the bodice back then. I have vivid images of the lace that extended down the back of my hands from the wrist of the sleeves. For a brief moment I was joyous. I actually believed I would wear that dress on my wedding day when I was an adult. I even remember thinking if I just had long hair I'd look so pretty in it as I looked at myself in the mirror in that upstairs bedroom. Then reality struck. I mean it hit me so hard. I quickly removed the dress. I was too much in a hurry to get out of it as I squeezed my hand through the wrist opening I tore some of the lace on the left sleeve. I put the dress back in plastic and NEVER wore it again. I felt so defective for that brief moment of true happiness.

Having emotions would dredge up the Dysphoria with my body and my role in life. For years I didn't feel much of anything. When I met my wife which was purely by chance and her outgoingness, she used to say I had my life in such perfect straight rows and that I had this whole zen thing going on that she envied. She had no idea the dark storm constantly churning deep down.

Being involved in male conversation is not a bad thing but not an emotional fulfilling thing either. Often when I am working at a customer location I get to listen to guys talk. I can't really understand why they find those things so interesting to spend such lengths of time on. Then there's how they start on women. That I've always found uncomfortable to just plain offensive. I used to wonder why OTHER guys would think about women that way. Now I finally realize my mind is wired so female that I cannot likely ever understand that about men. On the flip side, just being included in a group of women conversing feels so good. It's like I finally have real friends even if I'm the "guy" as they see me on the outside. Some of the moms at my kids school had been very accepting when the parents are at say a kids party. The dads there tend to wander off while I rather liked hanging with the ladies. I worry a bit now since I am showing a different me that some may feel uncomfortable around me. No beard, longer hair, earings in both ears, and it's a small town Catholic grade school. I am probably somewhat of the parent freak right now. If they only really knew how far this thing will eventually go. Anyway some seem to no longer be surprised by my appearance change. One lady I went to high school with worked a fundraiser with myself and my wife. After a few minutes she really opened up and we all three had a good time hanging out.

I'm going to stop there, I think I may have wandered far off topic already 

My gender is the first thing I think about each day and the last thing I think about each and every night of my life...It to me feels like the aftermath of too much adrenaline...kind of like a constant churning in your stomach. An ache so deep I could never get to it, because it was an aching of my soul, Constant dialogue with myself to navigate everyday living as a guy...Constantly wondering why I didn't fit...Looking at women in the same way women check each other out. This constant underlying feeling that I was a girl when all evidence to the contrary suggest I am not...and each time that realisation hits it would sink me a little further...That awful feeling of being called a man.

Liz

WOW! Thank you all so much for your replies. I am overwhelmed by how much I can relate to so much of what you have all said. The main difference I see with myself is that I had never actually admitted to identifying as a girl/woman. The feelings where there,  it I didn't have the words to describe those feelings.

I will try to comment on each of your responses.

Wow. The dysphoria is like a brick wall I hit too often.
It's something I think about constantly, the panic and urge to run and run. Like if I hide it won't find me and make me hurt. Instead I lash out and make other people suffer.

Lucky me I have someone to lean on while I'm taking care of it. Therapy and a map to transition at the end of the tunnel.

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Quote from: AshleyUSMC on February 20, 2017, 05:05:15 AM
I have always felt like i couldn't feel comfortable with my body. its a feeling of incongruency with me. I look down at my body and i just feel pain. I look at other girls and I become envious that they were born with the correct parts and I had to deal with what i have. On good days i don't even think about it, sometimes i don't even notice my male parts.

How true! I used to think I would look at other girls admiring them as a guy would, but I came to realise that wasn't what I was doing at all. I would look at them and be envious and wish I was them. I too have the good days, and they have caused me no end of confusion. These good days would make me think that the "bad" days were the anomaly and I was just a guy with some sort of mental problem.

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However every night when i go to bed, I think about what would my life be like if i was in the correct body. I always hope that i would dream about being a girl, because my dreams are so realistic, its as close as i'm going to get without having to go through the whole transition process, which btw i'll be starting soon. All in all having dysphoria hurts, its exhausting, and makes me depressed, and sometimes I cant muster the energy to even get out of bed, because all i want to do is think about what my life would be like as a girl.The best thing that I can do to tame the dysphoria is to distract myself by keeping busy, or obsessing over whatever caught my interests at the moment.

I also find it most difficult at night when I go to bed. I have had the dreams where I would be a girl, and they are very realistic. If I wake up during one of these dreams, I often try to fall back asleep so that the dream would not end. When I eventually do wake up, I have such a great feeling running through me. It is like everything is right with the world. But sadly, reality catches up and reminds me I am in a male body and it feels like the whole world has just crashed. I wish the dreams would come to me more often, the realism is like no other dream I ever have.

Distraction is a good means to tame the dysphoria, but it takes quite a lot of effort to keep myself distracted.

Jessie

Quote from: MeTonie on February 20, 2017, 05:15:06 AM
I have another image in my head and every time I see myself I become disapointed. I hate my chest. I have no sex. I am FtM.

When I am feeling ok, sometimes I would catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window or mirror somewhere and it would be quite jarring. In my head I had an image of what I imagined myself to look like and seeing the reflection ends up being such a let down. I totally understand what you mean.

Jessie

Repeat Trigger Warning  This is not an uplifting  post.

Dysphoria is an intense longing. It is like the worst itch ever that cannot be scratched. You can become distracted away from it for a little while but over and over and over it returns. You say to yourself, will it ever stop? How can I deal with it again? Somehow you move on until the itch grows stronger again. This cycle has been my life.

How do I deal with it. Out of desperation, I transitioned. This essentially cured the social part. I am planning GCS for the body dysphoria. Unfortunately, the closer I get, the harder it is. I feel like my patience is gone, gone, gone. It is an immense weight to try to manage. Sorry this is not more hopeful. I guess being busy is the best way to cope. I frankly don't know if it is good to keep the lid on as tightly as you can or indulge the desire in a limited fashion. I would think each person is different. For me, once I went forward a little, I had to go forward totally. Going back was not an option.

Monica

If I had to sum it up in a single word it would be misery.

Intense longing, profound jealousy, anger and depression tied to being a resident of the island of misfit toys.  Of course it ebbs and flows but on the bad days/weeks it gets in the way of functioning normally.

I've gone from confusion to anger to hopelessness and back again so many times over.  I've tried going hypermasculine, distraction, denial, trying to drink the problem away, even isolation.  Of course nothing worked and I feel like an idiot in retrospect for being so stubborn.  Realizing that the only thing left is to face it is both liberating and utterly terrifying.  There are so many unknowns, and that nagging scientist instinct saying "you don't have hard data, are you sure this isn't some sort of confirmation bias?"  Of course there is no such thing as numerical data for this, and yes it is in my head because there's an CPU configuration and hardware conflict that I've dealt with (poorly) for my entire life.

So here I am, four hours from therapy session one after decades of being adrift in the abyss.  I'm excited but I'm scared because I've never told a soul about this in person.  One ticket for the emotional rollercoaster please, here goes nothing.

Hi Jessie, good to see you back here.

Gender affects so many aspects of your life that when there's gender incongruence, there's dysphoria. BTW, I often refer to dysphoria as 'the pink dog' in the same way that people often refer to depression as 'the black dog'. To me, the pink dog can manifest itself as anxiety, anger, sorrow, the feeling of longing for something unattainable, or worst of all, despair. When I look in the mirror, I have problems accepting my reflection, so I tend to avoid mirrors. I've always shaved my face in the shower because of this, right from my teen years.

Often, when I see an attractive woman, I get insanely jealous that she can be who she wants to be, and society praises her for it, whereas I've been forced into a role that feels soooo wrong. At its worst, I've even yelled obscenities in the car (with the windows up) because I'm filled with an overwhelming sense of envy and despair. Being called sir 'a man' often leads to the feeling that my stomach is dropping.

Before HRT, not being able to enjoy sex with a woman unless I fantasised that things were the other way around where I was the woman being intimate with a man. HRT has given me a reprieve from this expectation from my female partner, thank goodness.

Always feeling like you have to conform to others expectations of gender norms, and not being able to be free to just be you. Not feeling totally comfortable around men, and preferring the company of women.

Trying in vain to tame the pink dog by compromising insofar as exclusively wearing female underware/socks/deodorant/getting ears pierced etc.

Loathing body hair.

Getting older and realising that you are wasting your life living a lie. Feeling mentally exhausted from decades of fighting the trans beast and not being true to yourself.

Dysphoria has driven me, out of desperation, to seek help from various therapists over the last 25 years, and is the reason why I'm on HRT.

A feeling of no matter how supportive someone is, no matter how much they say they like you or how many other people you see with the same problem, that you are broken and you belong in a cave rather than with other people. Because that's the only place you won't be reminded every minute of waking life that you do not fit, you are not the same, you do not feel what they feel.

Dissociation or isolation is inevitable with something like this. Whether the desire to run away, hide yourself and your body from view, never look in a mirror or never face what you really feel.

Close to hell for a social creature like a human.

I think it's a variation on the fear and reality of physical disfigurement, and the ostracism that brings. Which is a very powerful fear in us, for obvious reasons.

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 20, 2017, 08:12:45 AM
For me, once I went forward a little, I had to go forward totally. Going back was not an option.

I can really relate to this.  As I come to grips with identifying as a woman and getting rid of my internalised transphobia, I am realizing that my male life is dead.  I just don't see a future as him.  He would still be dealing with being transgender but I would also have severe depression over the life I lost.  So, I'm letting her take over more and more and but these changes only offer temporary relief as i still see him in the mirror.

My dysphoria really presents itself as physical anxiety (tension, uneasiness, elevated blood pressure, I'm OCP so I hyperfocus on things).  I am very much a planner and need to structure most things in my life to compensate for the gender turmoil in my brain.  I recently got over crippling mental conflict that was a result of trying to figure out a way to stay him.  Once I gave up on trying to keep him and started to accept her those conflicted thoughts disappeared.  Though, in it's place other dysphorias emerged that hadn't bothered me before like voice, hairline, facial features, and transitioning in the workplace, integrating into society as a woman.

For me it was emptiness at times paired with very strong anxiety attacks. My mind said do something, anything to not feel this way anymore. I deployed various strategies all with sub-optimal results.

I never had a ton of body dysphoria, i actually liked my body (other than body hair). My dysphoria was about socialization as a girl and the intense need for others to see me and perhaps accept me as a woman. As soon as i started HRT and began socialization as female, stopped trying to talk in a masculine voice, stopped trying to act like a guy to please others, the emptiness began to lift and the anxiety went away. i feel really fortunate that feminization of my body has gone really well too because at some level that helps with socialization.

Like walking in a cloud of mosquitos and every now and then one takes a bite out of your self-esteem.

To me it feels like the worst flu I've ever had.  But it never gets better.  I've had it for a decade at least and no one has ever acknowledged that I'm sick.  They expect full function from me, and I try to deliver.  But I wake up every morning to unnatural weight and stiffness.  My whole body aches throughout the day, thinking is often too difficult, I don't say things I'm sure I know.  I get dizzy and weak.   I'm waiting for days to end when they've just started.  I see pretty women, and realize how terrible I look, and I don't want to be seen; I don't want anyone seeing this guy!  When ever in conversation I'm someone's son/brother/husband it feels like I'm being shoved, and I have to think consciously that they mean me, and bite my tongue to not correct them. 

I'm sick every day, and no one knows.  Anyone I've ever told still expects normal from me, and I can't give that.  If I could just hide from the world; I would weep and lie inert, the way I always want to.


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