A few quotes from above, that have resonated strongly, and a little more from me.

Quote from: Amanda_Combs on February 20, 2017, 12:23:58 PM
...  My whole body aches throughout the day, thinking is often too difficult, I don't say things I'm sure I know...

I'm waiting for days to end when they've just started. 

Anyone I've ever told still expects normal from me, and I can't give that.  If I could just hide from the world; I would weep and lie inert, the way I always want to.

Quote from: Kylo on February 20, 2017, 09:05:57 AM
A feeling of no matter how supportive someone is, no matter how much they say they like you or how many other people you see with the same problem, that you are broken and you belong in a cave rather than with other people. Because that's the only place you won't be reminded every minute of waking life that you do not fit, you are not the same, you do not feel what they feel.

It's the feeling of being void - outside of everything. The thoughts that 'I am outside, so have no value"; the understanding that if you went it would barely register, and simultaneously the desire to cease, on the flick of a switch to be around, and the deep aching desire to be included, and accepted and understood.

Being seen as weird, because gender rules get broken so easily, in speech, action and expectation. It's being seen as 'fake' a charicature of a person, inconsistent in behaviours, because we have to remember them all - actors in a play.

It's a continuous reminder that something isn't right, physically. It's the brutality of being pushed, and sometime manifesting that pain in a physical real sense, trying to drown it, or fly high above it.

It's the feeling of being not valid, an inconvenience, irrelevant.

It allows us to empathise with Gollum, and understand Dobby the house-elf.

It's the struggle to remain comfortably numb, and not acknowledge these feelings, because we all have our burdens, and the belief that 'everyone else must feel like this'.

It's the fundamental questioning of self, and keeping score of where we don't match - knowing full well that most never even ask the question.

In the end it's ugly. Ugly thoughts, ugly feelings, ugly reflections.

Rowan

Sometimes it's a dissociative thing. Like my mind, consciousness, what have you feel entirely separate from my body. I don't identify with it at all, can't connect with it. In the distant past, it was a full body disconnect. But throughout my transition it's adapted to be more area specific. Like before top surgery I would look at my chest and mentally refuse to see it as my own.

Sometimes it's more of an empty feeling. Other times it's more like drowning. It's always kind of hopeless though. I know no matter how much I change my body, there are still people out there who would refuse to see me as a man. No matter how bright my future is post transition, it can't fix the childhood I didn't get to have, the experiences I'll never have, etc. because I was not born in the right body. I imagine I would be much, much more depressed if I let those thoughts linger.

for me its longing to be totally female, as some of you say you look at a woman and are jealous of clothes/hair/nails ect. That face in the mirror is not me , I feel my breast that are not there and there's an annoying lump of genitals that should not be there. Mentally I have had to put up with what I was born with but never mixed, would rather do girl stuff when very young but then the T takes over and as there was no option as far as I knew (70s) you just sit on your feelings. When any think goes array I shut down and become with drawn and cant speak to people. Since coming out even when in bloke mode I still feel sooooo much better and are now ME Hair,voice and face are still a worry though and waiting to go on HRT isn't helping, still not managed to  get to GPs as the online booking gave me a 7.30 slot and then found only open 8.30 to6.30 WTF , Now that's made me dysphoric so  came home and dress up, make up the lot and now much better.     

Wow, I know I may sound like a broken record, but this the timing on this topic is fascinating!  It has really hit me hard the past few days! I wake up and simply feel wrong.  I wake up and it is on my mind, I go to bed it is on my mind.  Like others here, I look at other women and sooo just want to belong!  My wife is very supportive and she tries to understand but it is difficult to say exactly "what" it feels like.  I am sad that at 51 I know I will never be who I should have been.  Too many obstacles but I am living with it! 
Paula

Thank you everyone for sharing. I was wanting to respond to each of your messages. I did not expect so many responses so soon. This is truly amazing! You have all, in your own words, described what I have been feeling but never able to put into words of my own.

I have constantly doubted my own interpretation of what I was feeling. What I mean by that is that when I would feel dysphoric, I would tell myself that the reason I feel that way is because I am trans. But not having any hard data (as Estelle_maybe? described in her reply), it was too easy to dismiss those feelings as not real. Dismissing the feelings and believing there was something mentally wrong with me was much easier than accepting I was transgender. And not accepting I was trans made it difficult to relate to other trans people, so I ended up feeling very isolated. (That is the main reason I left this forum when I was jayne01).

Now that I know I am trans, reading your stories has a very different effect on me. I can relate to so much of what you have all said: Feeling like Spock from Star Trek, unable to understand why guys talk about girls the way they do, constantly thinking about my gender from the moment I wake up until the moment I go back to sleep. Wishing the feelings would just STOP!, for 5 minutes of peace, trying to distract myself to the point of obsession, realising I am getting older with the feeling my life has been wasting away, feeling like an outsider, sometimes feeling the presence of breasts that are not there. All these things I can relate to.

I have read in so many other posts where people would tell each other that they are not alone in what they are going through. I used to think they were just words to make the other person feel better, it never made me feel any less alone. But now, as I have read through all your replies again, for the first time I actually don't feel alone. It has made what I have been feeling seem valid (if that makes sense). That it has not all been some cruel trick of my imagination. Knowing that so many others have had such similar experiences is a great relief for me. Not that I would ever wish being trans on anyone! If I had any lingering doubts about trusting my feelings and knowing who I am, those doubts are now gone. You have all helped a great deal by sharing your experiences. Thank you so much!

I would just like to add that as traumatic as dysphoria feels, and feeling a sense of loss by not having been a little girl that grew into a woman, given the chance, I would not change a thing. Because had I changed anything, I would not have met my incredible wife, who gives me a reason to live. I feel a great sense of guilt that she is forced to suffer my pain because I did not know I was trans until very recently. I love her more and more everyday for sticking by me and continuing to love me even after the shock of coming out to her.

Jessie

Estelle_maybe? I hope your first therapy session went well for you. A good therapist can do wonders for your sanity. I have been very fortunate to have found my current therapist. She is my personal super hero. I have had sessions where I would turn up in total despair and accuse her of not doing her job and basically just being a total a**hole. She wouldn't even flinch, and just talk to me in such a way that by the end of the session I would be a happy and different person.

I hope that your therapist can be this good for you.

Jessie

Hi PaulaLee, thanks for your PM message. I am unable to reply to your message because I don't yet have enough posts, that is why I am replying here.

Jessie

Quote from: Jessie007 on February 20, 2017, 05:39:40 PM
Hi PaulaLee, thanks for your PM message. I am unable to reply to your message because I don't yet have enough posts, that is why I am replying here.

Jessie

Yep, I know...just wanted to send you an note!

The question was, "What is dysphoria like for you?" I answered it like I view it, as a very nasty thing to deal with. I think it is not the whole story though. I would just like to add a few thoughts on being trans. I don't see being trans as negatively. It is part of what makes us the people we are. It is a tremendous challenge that brings pain but can have joyous moments as well. I would say to anyone just now coming to terms with being trans, that the best way to get along with it is to be as positive as you can possibly be. Giving in to negativity is no answer. Being trans requires patience and makes you come face to face with your fears. If you are determined, you can find yourself surprised at what you can do.
Monica

Quote from: josie76 on February 20, 2017, 05:30:49 AM
General hate of my body over most of my life. So much that I didn't care about myself.

Seeing myself in the mirror would make me feel depressed. Sometimes seeing my physical self would be almost a surprise of sorts. It's like I didn't expect to see the man in the mirror.

Never being able to fit into male society or society in general. Yes I went to work but before meeting my wife I spent a decade avoiding anyone but immediate family. Being in social situations was uncomfortable enough I would rather just avoid it.

Always being on guard so to speak around people. Always needing to notice what they are doing, saying, acting so I could model male behavior the correct way to interact with them. Social behavior has always been a mental task. There was always the worry, what if someone thinks I'm girlish in some way. Since my earliest school years I learned what not to do, what not to show, to avoid being picked on and bullied more than I already was. This continues on today as I am not near being able to socially transition yet. Basically it caused a constant level of general anxiety life long.

The anxiety, the fear of my true self being seen, caused me to find a way to turn my mind away from most emotion the instant it emerged. In many ways I turned my emotional brain off. Unfortunately the emotions of fear and anger come from a more primitive part of the brain and remained much more active despite my best efforts. My goal was total self control. A few people here have mentioned trying to emulate Spock from Star Trek. Funny enough I had the same thoughts when I was young.

Ok thinking back to cross dressing when younger, I remember sometimes for just a few seconds being able to disassociate from my reality and feel like the real me. I remember a few seconds of happiness before reality sunk in and guilt, depression started. I thought I was sick and dirty.

One memory that is so strong for me, once going through old dresses and clothes in my grandparents upstairs closets I found the wedding gown both my grandmother and mom wore. I put it on. I was just small enough to still fit the bodice back then. I have vivid images of the lace that extended down the back of my hands from the wrist of the sleeves. For a brief moment I was joyous. I actually believed I would wear that dress on my wedding day when I was an adult. I even remember thinking if I just had long hair I'd look so pretty in it as I looked at myself in the mirror in that upstairs bedroom. Then reality struck. I mean it hit me so hard. I quickly removed the dress. I was too much in a hurry to get out of it as I squeezed my hand through the wrist opening I tore some of the lace on the left sleeve. I put the dress back in plastic and NEVER wore it again. I felt so defective for that brief moment of true happiness.

Having emotions would dredge up the Dysphoria with my body and my role in life. For years I didn't feel much of anything. When I met my wife which was purely by chance and her outgoingness, she used to say I had my life in such perfect straight rows and that I had this whole zen thing going on that she envied. She had no idea the dark storm constantly churning deep down.

Being involved in male conversation is not a bad thing but not an emotional fulfilling thing either. Often when I am working at a customer location I get to listen to guys talk. I can't really understand why they find those things so interesting to spend such lengths of time on. Then there's how they start on women. That I've always found uncomfortable to just plain offensive. I used to wonder why OTHER guys would think about women that way. Now I finally realize my mind is wired so female that I cannot likely ever understand that about men. On the flip side, just being included in a group of women conversing feels so good. It's like I finally have real friends even if I'm the "guy" as they see me on the outside. Some of the moms at my kids school had been very accepting when the parents are at say a kids party. The dads there tend to wander off while I rather liked hanging with the ladies. I worry a bit now since I am showing a different me that some may feel uncomfortable around me. No beard, longer hair, earings in both ears, and it's a small town Catholic grade school. I am probably somewhat of the parent freak right now. If they only really knew how far this thing will eventually go. Anyway some seem to no longer be surprised by my appearance change. One lady I went to high school with worked a fundraiser with myself and my wife. After a few minutes she really opened up and we all three had a good time hanging out.

Oh my gosh. I relate to so much of this. I just thought these were aspects of normal life. Of my life. I didn't think that I had ever experienced dysphoria.

This single post may actually help a lot for me?

Quote from: Jessie007 on February 20, 2017, 04:19:12 PM
Estelle_maybe? I hope your first therapy session went well for you. A good therapist can do wonders for your sanity. I have been very fortunate to have found my current therapist. She is my personal super hero. I have had sessions where I would turn up in total despair and accuse her of not doing her job and basically just being a total a**hole. She wouldn't even flinch, and just talk to me in such a way that by the end of the session I would be a happy and different person.

I hope that your therapist can be this good for you.

Jessie

Thanks.

I'm not going to lie, it was tough to walk through the door.  But once I started pouring it out, it just kept going.  I had some tears coming up a bit here and there but I managed to not totally break down.  I described it a bit better over in the therapy forum.  I knew I needed this, but I didn't realize quite how badly I needed to see her.  But most importantly she knew exactly what I needed.

Wish I could transition further, but short of cash, not the correct job(working on transferring to another agency within the local gov't, making more income with my credentials), and not very good neighborhood(very conservative and low income/uneducated part of L.A.(southcentral L.A.). Have to display my masculine side still, due to unruly neighbors, even though I'm 4 years, 2 months into hrt, go figure. Being on hrt makes my dysphoria bearable and seeing where my feminization takes me too in the future years, moving to a different better part of town(Lost Angelese County, CA), and continuing my butterfly effect project

Started hrt at 44 years old, now 48, going on 49 at the end of march, so a big 

Quote from: Estelle_maybe? on February 20, 2017, 11:11:29 PM
Thanks.

I'm not going to lie, it was tough to walk through the door.  But once I started pouring it out, it just kept going.  I had some tears coming up a bit here and there but I managed to not totally break down.  I described it a bit better over in the therapy forum.  I knew I needed this, but I didn't realize quite how badly I needed to see her.  But most importantly she knew exactly what I needed.

That's great news. I posted a reply to your therapy forum post.

Jessie

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 20, 2017, 08:51:28 PM
The question was, "What is dysphoria like for you?" I answered it like I view it, as a very nasty thing to deal with. I think it is not the whole story though. I would just like to add a few thoughts on being trans. I don't see being trans as negatively. It is part of what makes us the people we are. It is a tremendous challenge that brings pain but can have joyous moments as well. I would say to anyone just now coming to terms with being trans, that the best way to get along with it is to be as positive as you can possibly be. Giving in to negativity is no answer. Being trans requires patience and makes you come face to face with your fears. If you are determined, you can find yourself surprised at what you can do.
Monica

Very much agree. There have been challenges with being trans and have GD, but i am proud of being a trans woman and feel it is pretty special. In a way, the understanding of yourself itself is a huge step forward in life, even if you do very little about it. The actions you take to align yourself with your genuine self, however small or large they may be, are another set of positive accomplishments.

Quote from: Jessie007 on February 20, 2017, 12:37:09 AM
For me, when I am feeling dysphoric, it is a feeling of emptiness. Like something huge is missing from inside of me. That is the best way I can think of to describe it. I seem to get triggered by seemingly little things. One minute I could be happily going on about my business, then I would see a woman and all of a sudden I just want to be her. It might be her feminine hands or nails that sets me off, or maybe her hair, or sometimes it is her as a whole. Once I get triggered, I feel a massive void inside of me. Sometimes I would get a mild anxiety attack and start getting short of breath and a little light headed. I can calm myself if I can find a place to sit for a while and close my eyes, imagine myself being female. Eventually the feeling subsides and I can function again, and the dysphoria goes into the background, but it never goes away entirely.

This is me to a tee.  And I seem to always be in a bad mood.  I torment myself by looking at retail websites and curse myself for my life.

I dive into video games to cope, sometimes 8-10 hours at a time, neglecting my wife and family.  I have really ostracized them due to my dysphoria, but we all know it makes us do things we are ashamed of.

Gender dysphoria to me can manifest itself in different ways. The most common are overwhelming depression, the extreme need to hide from everyone, intense anger, and occasionally even dissociation.

The things that trigger those reactions are typically looking at myself in the mirror, especially from a side view, showers, walking around the house without my binder, and especially being misgendered in public.
I don't blame strangers for misgendering me, because I have a very feminine face and voice, and some mannerisms, too. It just hurts, as I'm sure it does for others as well.

When I look in the mirror from the side, I see how big my butt and thighs are, and how obvious it really is that I'm biologically female. And when I'm in the shower, I feel completely wrong. It's not what I want to touch or look down and see on myself.

It's just a general feeling of discomfort and sometimes I feel betrayed by the universe
But what to do, I'm working on the road to medical transition soon.

Hi maksim, thank you for your reply. Most of the replies have been from trans women, not many from trans men. Your post in particular made me stop and think that trans men face exactly the same struggle as trans women (just opposite).

It can sometimes be difficult for me to see things from a transman's perspective. "You already have the body I wish I had, why would you reject that and instead want what I have, but do not want?" That is the first thing that goes through my mind. Then it occurs to me that transmen probably have the same thoughts about transwomen.

It is almost like the universe got our minds and bodies mixed up on the production line when we were built.

I hope I haven't offended anybody with what I just said. It was my way of saying thank you for helping me better understand what dysphoria means to different people. You have all made me feel less alone, because there is something I can relate to in each and every one of your stories.

Jessie

the easiest way for me to describe it would be to say that it makes me feel like i'm not a real person.  because in a way, i'm really not.  i sort of float around feeling like an orb of consciousness with no body, and it makes my whole life feel like a dream sometimes.  but that's better than acknowledging that which i can't change for now, because when i'm forced to do that, it doesn't go so well.  any little thing can do it.  being called "she" all the time at work and at home, you'd think i'd manage to desensitize myself to that, but i can't.  every one stings like an ice barb piercing through that little grey bubble of dissociation i'd constructed around myself and reminding me of what i look like, what i am, and how i'm seen by everyone.  it reminds me that i am seen by everyone, whereas i'm normally content to pretend that i'm not by avoiding face-to-face interaction as much as possible.  lonely as i get, i prefer not to draw attention to myself in public.  i don't want people to see "this" and think it's "me".   
no one ever hears my voice because i don't have one.  there's one attached to this body, but it's not mine and i use it as sparingly as possible because i can't stand the sound of it.  i like to cling to the lie that maybe i'll "pass" as long as i don't open my mouth, but with the exception of a couple of older folks who saw me from behind and corrected themselves as soon as i turned around, i know it's not really true.  i avoid speaking up, talking over anyone, or calling to anyone from a distance just so they--and mostly i--will hear as little of that voice as i can get away with. 
there are very few parts of this body that i feel are truly mine, that i feel are "real".  that little scar on my nostril, that's mine.  the two big toes that are completely different shapes despite being the same size, those are mine.  so are the broken finger and the big, crooked teeth.  and i'm fine with those things.  i might be the only one who doesn't look at them and think they need to be "corrected", but they're among the few things i feel are part of the real me that i can see when i look in the mirror and they don't bother me at all.  i prefer not to spend too much time in the mirror, because when i do look, i have the bitter temptation to turn to the side and see the shapes and curves that everyone else sees. 
sometimes the little grey bubble bursts altogether.  a lot of things can do it and i don't always know what those things will be, but it's included hearing someone gush about how a male family member is so handy (and they're so glad to have a man they can call on to do man things), hearing coworkers discuss their opinions of "transgenders" (and how they're basically all mentally ill men in dresses, but they don't judge!!), being forced to choose the ladies' room in a situation where there was no "family restroom" and there were a lot of men in the men's room, and hearing biological men complain about issues they have with their appearance--things i'd kill to have if only it meant actually being seen as a man at all.  that's when i get short of breath, my eyes start watering, my hands start shaking, i become uncomfortably aware of myself again, and i have to go and hide away so no one will see me cry and panic like a stupid child.  even when i'm "over" it, i'm not really over it.  i can regain my composure within minutes and be back out there doing whatever it is i need to do, but it will be hours before i'm able to smile and laugh and forget myself again.
and as one can imagine, the effects of this dysphoria reach into all aspects of my life and cripple me.  physical relationships just aren't possible, and even friendships are restrained, save for the tiny few who were there before-during-and-after the whole "coming out" business.  people think i'm "just quiet" or "just shy" or that i just don't have a lot of confidence.  and while i don't have any confidence, shyness is not my problem.  i'm dying of loneliness, and i'm being held back by this awful feeling i can't get rid of.  and i feel like, even if i finally get to transition and do away with it, i'll never be normal.  sometimes i worry that it'll be too late.  sometimes i worry that it won't be enough.  but even then, i'd give anything to have it, just the same.  i try not to think about it most of the time, but when i do end up thinking about it, it's almost all i can think about.  and it makes me feel crushed, empty, and hopeless.

sorry if that went on too long or on too much of a tangent :^P  i haven't had any way to really express or explain my feelings about dysphoria for a long time, so it kind of became a jumbled mess.

Quote from: meatwagon on February 22, 2017, 09:48:22 PM
the easiest way for me to describe it would be to say that it makes me feel like i'm not a real person.  because in a way, i'm really not.  i sort of float around feeling like an orb of consciousness with no body, and it makes my whole life feel like a dream sometimes.  but that's better than acknowledging that which i can't change for now, because when i'm forced to do that, it doesn't go so well.  any little thing can do it.  being called "she" all the time at work and at home, you'd think i'd manage to desensitize myself to that, but i can't.  every one stings like an ice barb piercing through that little grey bubble of dissociation i'd constructed around myself and reminding me of what i look like, what i am, and how i'm seen by everyone.  it reminds me that i am seen by everyone, whereas i'm normally content to pretend that i'm not by avoiding face-to-face interaction as much as possible.  lonely as i get, i prefer not to draw attention to myself in public.  i don't want people to see "this" and think it's "me".   
no one ever hears my voice because i don't have one.  there's one attached to this body, but it's not mine and i use it as sparingly as possible because i can't stand the sound of it.  i like to cling to the lie that maybe i'll "pass" as long as i don't open my mouth, but with the exception of a couple of older folks who saw me from behind and corrected themselves as soon as i turned around, i know it's not really true.  i avoid speaking up, talking over anyone, or calling to anyone from a distance just so they--and mostly i--will hear as little of that voice as i can get away with. 
there are very few parts of this body that i feel are truly mine, that i feel are "real".  that little scar on my nostril, that's mine.  the two big toes that are completely different shapes despite being the same size, those are mine.  so are the broken finger and the big, crooked teeth.  and i'm fine with those things.  i might be the only one who doesn't look at them and think they need to be "corrected", but they're among the few things i feel are part of the real me that i can see when i look in the mirror and they don't bother me at all.  i prefer not to spend too much time in the mirror, because when i do look, i have the bitter temptation to turn to the side and see the shapes and curves that everyone else sees. 
sometimes the little grey bubble bursts altogether.  a lot of things can do it and i don't always know what those things will be, but it's included hearing someone gush about how a male family member is so handy (and they're so glad to have a man they can call on to do man things), hearing coworkers discuss their opinions of "transgenders" (and how they're basically all mentally ill men in dresses, but they don't judge!!), being forced to choose the ladies' room in a situation where there was no "family restroom" and there were a lot of men in the men's room, and hearing biological men complain about issues they have with their appearance--things i'd kill to have if only it meant actually being seen as a man at all.  that's when i get short of breath, my eyes start watering, my hands start shaking, i become uncomfortably aware of myself again, and i have to go and hide away so no one will see me cry and panic like a stupid child.  even when i'm "over" it, i'm not really over it.  i can regain my composure within minutes and be back out there doing whatever it is i need to do, but it will be hours before i'm able to smile and laugh and forget myself again.
and as one can imagine, the effects of this dysphoria reach into all aspects of my life and cripple me.  physical relationships just aren't possible, and even friendships are restrained, save for the tiny few who were there before-during-and-after the whole "coming out" business.  people think i'm "just quiet" or "just shy" or that i just don't have a lot of confidence.  and while i don't have any confidence, shyness is not my problem.  i'm dying of loneliness, and i'm being held back by this awful feeling i can't get rid of.  and i feel like, even if i finally get to transition and do away with it, i'll never be normal.  sometimes i worry that it'll be too late.  sometimes i worry that it won't be enough.  but even then, i'd give anything to have it, just the same.  i try not to think about it most of the time, but when i do end up thinking about it, it's almost all i can think about.  and it makes me feel crushed, empty, and hopeless.

sorry if that went on too long or on too much of a tangent :^P  i haven't had any way to really express or explain my feelings about dysphoria for a long time, so it kind of became a jumbled mess.

As far as I'm concerned, you're welcome to make posts as long as you wish.  This one was really well written.  You expressed a great many things that I've felt but never thought that I could express.  Thank you very much.  But also, I'm very sorry to hear that you struggle so much.  I hope that it is some relief to know that we on this site know and accept you the way you truly are.

Quote from: Amanda_Combs on February 22, 2017, 10:30:07 PM
As far as I'm concerned, you're welcome to make posts as long as you wish.  This one was really well written.  You expressed a great many things that I've felt but never thought that I could express.  Thank you very much.  But also, I'm very sorry to hear that you struggle so much.  I hope that it is some relief to know that we on this site know and accept you the way you truly are.

it is; i probably don't show up and share my thoughts as often as i should.  maybe it would do me some good.  sorry to hear you've felt the same things, but i guess that's why so many of us are here in the first place.