So, I want to preface this post with an apology, because I'm really not sure as to whether or not I'm going to make any sense.
I have realised over the course of a few months or so that I think I might be transgender. I was born male, though I have never fully understand why I just never felt that comfortable with 'being one of the guys' or doing anything that most guys would typically find fun. I can remember being dressed up as a girl, and enjoying it as a child and always feeling this perverse sense of shame when I looked at girls clothes as something that I could ever own or wear myself. I've been experimenting with clothing (though very sparingly as I'm honestly quite poor and rely solely on the money given to me by my parents for income, aside from a part time job). I desperately want to buy underwear, and bralette's or anything that can make me feel the slightest bit 'girly' whilst I still live life as a male, but I can't bring myself to go into shops and buy female clothing and I haven't got a way of buying them online without my parents knowledge (I'm 19 and they have my online banking details in order to help me with my finances whilst at university) The real question is, how do I start to experiment more and understand/accept myself? I know for a fact if I were to come out, I would need to live a different life, totally separate from the one I have now.. in my own head I have internalised being trans as essentially meaning that my current life needs to die in order for my new one to start.
I really just want some tips on what I can do (on a low budget) that will make me feel girly, or that will alleviate my dysphoria whilst alone in my room. I just want this constant battling that's been going on in my head to stop, because I've spent plenty of nights sat awake feeling like an alien and I just want to know if there are some things I can do until I decide what I want to do big picture, that will alleviate the way I'm feeling and hopefully make me feel a little bit more like the girl I feel I am inside.
I'm sorry if this is ramble filled and a bit confusing, I'm just really struggling and want to know I'm not alone.

Hello Amy, and welcome to the site. What you are going through is totally normal for those of us who question our gender. There's nothing confusing or rambly about any of it and you are the furthest thing from alone. Many of us have been in similar situations as yourself and there is certainly a path forward. The first step I would recommend is speaking to a therapist. If you are a university student, you should be able to arrange a visit with one through your school and most likely for free or very inexpensive. You might have a hard time finding someone who specializes in gender issues through your school. You could also talk to your parents about feeling you need to speak to someone, even if you don't divulge the exact reason (depression and anxiety are pretty typical issues many trans individuals deal with as well if you have to give them something), if you are covered on their insurance it shouldn't be hard to get in somewhere either

As far as your desire to dress as a woman and wearing undergarments, that's also totally normal. For years before I ever wore anything else femme even around the house, I was occasionally wearing panties under my clothing until it became an all the time thing, then I started incorporating undershirts, bralettes, and eventually regular clothing. The having trouble motivating yourself to go out and buy that stuff can be a huge first step. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times I've told myself to get over myself during my own transition process, and I've only been actively transitioning for about 2 months now! Experimenting & exploration is totally okay and it's the only way you're going to figure yourself out. I've found that so many of my hangups are inside my own head and that most people don't notice or care what you are shopping for or buying at a store. You're probably your biggest critic and harshest judge right now.

The other thing you can do is identify a support system. Even if you are just questioning, it can be so therapeutic to get your thoughts out of your head.

Amy,

Welcome to the site.

Rambler has given you some good advice. I would suggest you start with a few things that are simple. Go to find a therapist. As Rambler suggested, if you are at University, there should be help available to you. Therapists help you work your way through the challenges. They help you to make your own decisions.

Can you take out cash advances? You might try shopping in a thrift store with cash. It is scary at first. I remember. However, it is a good step if you are headed toward presenting publicly in the future. You can also order on line through companies that carry men's and women's wear. I don't know if their info on the statement would be that detailed.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey. Wherever and how far it takes you.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna


PS I am going to move this topic to a different category. You should be able to get to it directly.

Quote from: Rambler on February 14, 2017, 01:52:00 PM
Hello Amy, and welcome to the site. What you are going through is totally normal for those of us who question our gender. There's nothing confusing or rambly about any of it and you are the furthest thing from alone. Many of us have been in similar situations as yourself and there is certainly a path forward. The first step I would recommend is speaking to a therapist. If you are a university student, you should be able to arrange a visit with one through your school and most likely for free or very inexpensive. You might have you learned finding someone who specializes in gender issues. You could also talk to your parents about feeling you need to speak to someone, even if you don't divulge the exact reason (depression and anxiety are pretty typical issues many if trans individuals deal with as well if you have to give them something), if you are covered on their insurance it shouldn't be hard to get in somewhere either

As far as your desire to dress as a woman and wearing undergarments, that's also totally normal. For years before I ever wore anything else femme even around the house, I was occasionally wearing panties under my clothing until it became an all the time thing, then I started incorporating undershirts, bralettes, and eventually regular clothing. The having trouble motivating yourself to go out and buy that stuff can be a huge first step. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times I've told myself to get over myself during my own transition process, and I've only been actively transitioning for about 2 months now! Experimenting & exploration totally okay and it's the only way you're going to figure yourself out. I've found that so many of my hangups are inside my own head and that most people don't notice or care what you are shopping for or buying at a store. You're probably your biggest critic and harshest judge right now.

The other thing you can do is identify a support system. Even if you are just questioning, it can be so therapeutic to get your thoughts out of your head.

Wow - thank you so much for all of your advice, I'm going to be taking a lot of it on for sure. Do you think I could mention it to the counsiller I have at university already for my anxiety? I hope so. But I am excited to see what happens in the future, even if I have quite large worries.

lots of love x

Quote from: Joanna50 on February 14, 2017, 04:22:17 PM
Amy,

Welcome to the site.

Rambler has given you some good advice. I would suggest you start with a few things that are simple. Go to find a therapist. As Rambler suggested, if you are at University, there should be help available to you. Therapists help you work your way through the challenges. They help you to make your own decisions.

Can you take out cash advances? You might try shopping in a thrift store with cash. It is scary at first. I remember. However, it is a good step if you are headed toward presenting publicly in the future. You can also order on line through companies that carry men's and women's wear. I don't know if their info on the statement would be that detailed.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey. Wherever and how far it takes you.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna


PS I am going to move this topic to a different category. You should be able to get to it directly.

Thank you so much too Joanna, you're part of a small minority of very lovely people in this world. I'll be taking on board what you've said and giving everthing a good read - I hope I am here for good 

Amy,

You're welcome. If you don't mind me answering a question not addressed to me. You should be able to speak to the counselor at your school. They have to follow a code of conduct that includes confidentiality.

Hope all goes well and smoothly,

Warmly,
Joanna

Quote from: amy1 on February 14, 2017, 01:22:02 PM
I desperately want to buy underwear, and bralette's or anything that can make me feel the slightest bit 'girly' whilst I still live life as a male, but I can't bring myself to go into shops and buy female clothing and I haven't got a way of buying them online without my parents knowledge (I'm 19 and they have my online banking details in order to help me with my finances whilst at university)

Hi, I'm kind of in the same situation as you, but I'm living with my parents. Something I considered a while ago was buying one of those prepaid visa gift cards. That way you can use it online and those purchases wont show up on your bank statement. Of course if you use your actual personal card to buy the gift card, then that purchase will show up (usually it only shows where you bought it from, and not what you actually bought), but you can always say you bought it for a friend's birthday or something--or, if you have access to your bank statement, you can see what it says; if it doesn't say anything specific about the purchase, you can even say it was food or something (if you bought it at a department store). You can also use cash to buy one, and then nothing will show up on your bank statement. Hope this was useful. 

Quote from: Audrey94 on February 20, 2017, 03:07:02 AM
Hi, I'm kind of in the same situation as you, but I'm living with my parents. Something I considered a while ago was buying one of those prepaid visa gift cards. That way you can use it online and those purchases wont show up on your bank statement. Of course if you use your actual personal card to buy the gift card, then that purchase will show up (usually it only shows where you bought it from, and not what you actually bought), but you can always say you bought it for a friend's birthday or something--or, if you have access to your bank statement, you can see what it says; if it doesn't say anything specific about the purchase, you can even say it was food or something (if you bought it at a department store). You can also use cash to buy one, and then nothing will show up on your bank statement. Hope this was useful. 

Audrey,

Welcome to the site. Thanks for the suggestions and the empathy.

I hope you find what you are looking for here.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

Buy some very gendered shower gel and things for when you really need some quick releif. I have this ridiculously teenage-boyish lynx (uk version of axe) shower gel for when I need some motivation just to get up. I suppose for you it would be something really nice and flowery. There's a reason why aroma therapy and such is a thing.

Your absolutely not alone hun, there are thousands of us!.. Buying your first clothes is always terrifying, I remember that feeling and am still very anxious when I'm about to go into a store to buy clothes, shoes, makeup even though its obvious to everyone I'm trans.. But when you go in as male, for all they know it's just a gift for a sister or girlfriend or whatever. I would recommend just getting some fairly simple stuff first; cute jeans and a simple feminine top or two is a great start and a way to build confidence in doing the shopping, and to dress a bit by yourself. When the people in stores came up to me asking if they could help before i went full time, I would just say I was looking for -insert clothing- for a girl aprox my height (put my hand up to about eye level for me, never got clothing that didn't fit..) and size but with tits and they'd show me some stuff until one that I liked came up, and I would go for that one . Never brave enough at that stage to try anything on in the store of course..

Do you have any length to your hair? I've always had relatively long hair -for a guy anyway..- and getting some simple things to feminize it a bit always made me feel so happy. A few kewt things for your hair is very low key, perhaps some hair oil with a pretty smell -i enjoy that a lot still and apply it every day, makes my hair look nicer too!

Great place to start coming on here and learning from all the incredible people that post here every day. I have grown so much as a person in the few weeks since joining, and learned so much about myself and how to progress with my transition.

Welcome, and best of luck on your beginning journey <3