Hi all,
This is my first time posting here so if this is in the wrong place im sorry.
Ok so a bit of background about me. One of the earliest memories (about 4) I can fully recall is trying on my mom's shoes and thinking that I wanted a pair for myself and my mom telling me no because boys dont wear female clothes. A few years later (about 7/8) I fully remember coming back from school and thinking that the clothes i wear weren't right so I asked my sister if i could try on her skirt and see how I felt, she said yes and I remember being happy that it felt right looking in the mirror. She ended up telling my mom about it but i denied everything in fear that i was going to be punished for wearing girl's clothes (I was a really sensitive child and fearful of quite a lot of things).
After this (still the same age and continuing as i got older) i continued secretly dressing up in female clothes when my mom and sister was out. I distinctly remembering trying on some tights and female jeans and looking constantly in the mirror at how much more normal i looked. When I was older (about 13) I remember constantly coming home from secondary school each day to an empty house and I would try on my mom's bra and put items down it to look like I had breasts, and then i would put on a female top and jeans and a bit of perfume and deodorant in order to look more natural. This happened for a long time until my mom found out that all her bra's were always closed (was unsure of how to unlock them) and that her perfume was steadily going down. On a day when me and my sister left school early to go to the dentist i expressed feeling different to my sister and about how i would go to sleep each night wishing that i was in a female body even if it meant being in somebody else's body, who admittedly was ok about it, but yet again she told my mom about it and wearing the clothes and again i denied everything out of fear of any consequences.
After this i tried extremely hard to bury every feeling i had of being different, and it was successful i did stop thinking about it until recently (except the time around prom in which i didnt go because i only wanted to go in a dress i found but i would have had to wear a suit instead). Recently I was driving back in my car and I was listening to a song on the radio (apocalyptic by halestorm) and it was just out of the blue in which these feelings and memories just suddenly hit me out of no where. Since then Ive fought about it more. Originally I thought it was because I was bisexual and but over time and thinking of it more its developed into something more.
When I started going around town I started to look at women and think to myself that's how I should look rather than how I currently do.
As well as this I read in an article recently that one of the signs to tell if you are a transsexual is if you have never had any urges to be the male in a sexual relationship (im sure you know what i mean lol) but for me thats never ever been the case. Sure i've been attracted to people but when thinking of sexual activities I would hate for any person to see my body at all (and definitely not my unwanted appendage). There are times when I go around town  and I want to do nothing but break down and cry in the middle of town when looking at other women and thinking that's how I should be and look. I even broke down when i got home in bathroom after a long time around town about it and knowing if given the chance i would instantly change my body to be more myself (including removing the unwanted appendage).
Yet, what has me questioning all of this is that there is a friend who i recently started speaking to and each time i speak to her its like everything just goes out of my head and im happy with life. I know if anything did happen in form of a relationship I would hide everything away from her and pretend to be something i'm not. I know if things went to sexual ways then I would hate the touch of her on my body and hate all things sexual (unless im doing it to her in which case i wouldnt mind). Yet i would try and deal with it for her only.
So given all that i have said (and my apology for being so long) since I would try and hide everything for a relationship with her does this mean im not actually transsexual?   
thank you

Welcome!

I have tried to deny it for 30 years that I am a man. I have been with my husband for 19 years. But I can't deny it anymore. It's like an itch that cannot be scratched. I want to be me. I am not that bisexual butch everyone believes me to be. I'm seeing my therapist for the first time in two weeks. I hope she will send me to a gender therapist.

You should talk to a gender therapist too. If you deny yourself and get into a relationship hating your body, you both will lose. She will think something is wrong with her because she can't touch you. How long do you want to "sacrifice" yourself to her? Will you be happy? Married or couple "Forever" or "until death do us apart" can be a very very long time.

Think about what you want. What you need. I have not and I regret I did not do this much much earlier. I tried to forget the whole thing. But every time I see myself my image in my head and my body don't match.

Don't live a life of misery ro suit other people. I have many regrets that I failed to act for fear of other people's feelings 

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Quote from: gwencook on February 21, 2017, 12:00:29 PM
I know if anything did happen in form of a relationship I would hide everything away from her and pretend to be something i'm not.

This is a terrible idea. But sadly. Been there. Done that.

Thanks for all your comments I really appreciate it.
I would speak to a gender therapist as suggested yet my only problem is that I live in an abusive (not physical) house with my stepfather which I cannot get of (tried to before and he tried to commit suicide so I moved back in and ever since I have regretted it) and I know he would not support me with anything and would hate to know the truth.
Essentially I do not have anyone so perhaps that is why this girl brightens up everything for me. Yet the reason I cannot tell her is fear in case she lets something slip by accident and it gets back to my stepfather. I wish I could tell her yet that does not seem possible.
To be honest MeTonie I already hate my body and constantly use food as comfort (only thing im really allowed to do) so the hating towards my body seems like it wont improve for a while.

This may seem blunt, but I do mean well. I've done what you described at the end of your post and I lost the friend in the process. I'd hate to see you make the same mistake.

I had a friend that affected me that way too. I am insanely attracted to her and nothing I do stops it, not even lack of contact for several years. The reason transition thoughts went away, at least for me, was that she would never agree to a relationship with a woman, so a transition would kill all hope of more than friends.

You can't build a relationship on a lie. When that rush dies down, you'll find yourself focused on being transgendered all over again and the relationship will most likely suffer while you try to keep yourself hidden. Make no mistake. You will be lying to her every day that you keep yourself hidden from her, because you know you're hiding. Trust me it's better when they like you for you.

If you really care about this friend and it starts to turn into something more, I would strongly suggest that you be up front with her about this, even if you're not sure that you'll go through a transition. Waiting could destroy the relationship and the friendship. I've been through it myself and it's something I never want to feel again.

Hi Gwen

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your time here at Susan's.

There are many questionable articles flying around about what constitutes a "real transsexual" the reality of it is that no one narrative is exactly the same. Don't forget that whom ever you are attracted to has nothing to do with being Trans and is fluid for some people.


Regards

Liz


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Gwen, being in an abusive houshold is not good. He puts too much pressure on you by threatening with suicide! I would leave that place. He has you in his hand and can do anything he wants because you are afraid of him.

My father was very abusive. I left when I was 16. He tried anything he could come up with to have me back. He cried, was my best friend, but eventually his true nature surfaced and he started accusing me for "burning the bridges" and our relationship will never be repaired. We still have no contact, this was 25 years ago. I have no regrets.

If he threatens with suicide, that is HIS choice, you can't take responsibility for that!

Please be safe, think about your own safety. 

There are a couple big issues here.

Don't worry about if you are a transexual etc.  Worry about what you need.  The lines are blurring and will continue to do so as more and more people discover who they are and are freer to live as they need to, including changing their bodies.

I am a nonbinary transsexual personally.

But the bigger concern is the manipulation and mental abuse, and you need support there big time to really get the life you need, regardless of your gender.  Codependents Anonymous, Al-Anon, these are starting places, and a therapist is really the first step.

Keep sharing, in here, where you can, you need support.  Its not easy but its well worth it to set yourself free, and live an authentic life.

SJ.

Hey all,
Sorry for my late response things have been pretty hectic here. I have had many talks with my closest friends about this and they have all said pretty much the se thing.
I know it's manipulation from him yet I seem unable to be able to stand up for myself to him. If it was anyone other then my dad I wouldn't have allowed this to continue, so I guess maybe it's because he knows I'm too much of a pushover? I know I'll never be able to live my life as I want it while I live here, so I know things have to change one way or another.
On the part with the relationship with this friend I have come to the decision that I'm not going to pursue it. Taking everything in people have commented and taking with fiends there would be too much hurt for both of us and I don't want that to happen.