Augh. I don't even know where to start.

7 months ago, when the doctor first prescribed me my hormones, I was positive. I had clarity. I looked back at my whole life..I saw the occasional cross dressing, the wistful acceptance that those clothes would never really fit me, and the disgust at myself for not just being normal. I saw a lifetime of fantasies, always ending the same way...with me as a woman. More than anything, I knew that it would only get worse. It would just get harder and harder and in the end I was going to transition; the only question was how many years I'd waste. I felt so free. I had a purpose. I was determined.

But 6 months ago, I didn't renew my prescription. I couldn't do it. I must have been crazy. How could I think I'd ever be able to be a woman? I'd never be a real woman. I'd never even be a believable woman. I was good at being a man. I knew how to be a man. What did I know about being a woman anyway? What did it even mean to be a woman? What is a woman? How is it any different from being a man? What's the difference anyway? Was I really supposed to turn my whole life upside down for long hair and lumps on my chest?

5 months ago, though, I was back on the hormones, and I was sure. I had to be sure. I couldn't keep bouncing back and forth. That's a great way to mess up your health and transition both, you know. So I was sure. And I was happy.

I was so sure, in fact, that 4 months ago, I came out of the closet. Trump won. I'd lived so long under the impression that I had a deep dark secret to hide, and then a couple of guys got elected who could not have agreed more. I couldn't deal with that. I let everyone know..I won't stand up for the people at risk because I stand with the people at risk. My friends, my family...they weren't perfect, but they were about as close as it comes. Almost completely, uniformly accepting and encouraging.

The world was great. My skin was softer (and drier). My eyes were bigger. I noticed that. So was my butt. I had a full A cup...almost a small B. My friends even told me how thick and full my hair was. I REGREW HAIR!!!

But then two months ago, I ran out of medicine. I had an appointment scheduled, but they wouldn't renew my prescription until I came in to get checked out...3 weeks later. It was a good thing though. I'd met someone. She didn't know. I wasn't full time. I wasn't even part-time, not really. I'd dress from time to time, mostly to gauge my progress, and then feel either elated or horrible, depending on how I thought I looked on that particular day. But she didn't know about any of that. And she was funny. And smart. And we connected. Work was my favorite place to go because we laughed the whole day. She was beautiful, too, but a girl like that? It doesn't even matter, her looks were the least pretty thing about her. And...

And holy crap! I sounded like I did in junior high. When was the last time I fell for a girl like that? High school? Oh God. The hormones. It's just the hormones, right? Couldn't trust it. Besides, why would she want me? She might like the guy she thinks I am, but she wouldn't want the girl I was trying to be. I got my prescription refilled, but I did it realizing that it's a lonely road I'm walking. Maybe there's an exception out there. I hope there is. I won't hold my breath.

So now. Where am I now? Right now, I feel like I can't do it. I feel like I'll never really be a woman. I feel like I'll only ever be pretending to be a woman, and isn't that dysphoria?  I don't feel like I'm pretending to be a man. Everybody thinks I'm a man. Given a choice, I wouldn't choose to be a man, but I haven't been given a choice. If I go through with this, I don't think I'll ever really feel comfortable as a woman. I don't think I'll ever genuinely feel like that's what I am. I feel like I would be transitioning to trade one kind of dysphoria for another. And if the other isn't worse, it does come with a whole host of other problems. That's why I didn't take my pills yesterday.

Of course, today, I was so happy with the way I filled out my bra, I immediately downed my pills.

What am I doing?! I tried seeing a therapist, but it just wasn't helpful for me. At all.

Ugh.

It definitely sounds like youre going through the ringer! A quick discretion, what i say is soely my opinion and not the opinion of others. It sounds like to me youre questioning your decision to transition. Do you remember the reason why you transitioned in the first place? Is the reason still relevent to you today? Also it sounds like you have this notion that being a women means you have to act a certain way, that you have to look a certain way, that you have to be this perky bubbly person. The only difference between a man and a women is what lies between your legs. For me personally, im pre everything, to other people im this effeminate guy whos suspiciously gay. I feel like a women and i feel like that im acting to be masculine. However some transwomen arent effeminate, in fact they are pretty tomboyish. Be genuine to who you are, forget socially constructed gender roles and just be who you are. You may have a personality that would be considered  masculine or a personality that would be considered feminine. Im personally transitioning because i need to express physically express my true gender on the outside, and i want people to see who i am, and most importantly i want to see who i am on the outside. Dont loose site of who you are because youre trying to put yourself in a box again. Break from the box and be your genuine self.

Well, I can't speak for everyone just what I have went through.  I had the same doubts, the same feeling that maybe I was just trying to fool myself. But, I decided that I needed to be me, I needed to not worry about acting a certain way.  And you do have a choice. You can try and fit yourself into a mold or be yourself. I chose to be myself, despite the occasional questioning and self doubt. And I would suggest finding a different therapist. You owe it to yourself to explore your own thoughts and identity but not all therapists are the same. Talk to someone different and maybe you'll gain some insight from a different perspective. I don't always feel as though I'm 100% passable all the time. However, I do feel 1000% better about myself and it does take time for things to work. I didn't think my hormones were working. But almost 1 year later, I actually like myself and am told that I look more feminine now than masculine. I've had coworkers tell me it's difficult for them to picture me as a male, even though I've worked with most of them for 3 years now. Just my thoughts. Hugs.

Hi Its good

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your time here at Susan's.

Maybe you are not Transsexual maybe you are gender fluid or maybe you just need to enjoy being in love. Sounds to me like doubts any good therapist is going to be able to help you with. I was talking at length with an Older woman who transitioned some years ago and she said to me that" transition is about what goes on in your head...its not about hormones and surgery, whilst they help they are no good with out having what's going on in your head right."

Sounded like pretty good advice to me. Whatever you do I think you need to find someone who can thrash this out with you and help you to work out what it is that you need. Generally that is what a therapist is for but if you don't click therapy can be useless.



Regards

Liz


Things to Live By are links we give to every new member......

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Oh my god, been there done that and have the scars to show. I can relate. I spent months bouncing from one gender to the other. My heart, desires and happiness gravitated me towards being a woman, whereas my fears, doubts, shame and guilt made a complusion to go back to manhood. It wasnt fun at all. Still, over time i wet with the harder decision. that is to live as a woman and face the negaititivity head on. Being a woman is what makes me happy and with a good counsellor, i beleive you to can get to the bottom of this

-Ashley

I feel your pain. I'm having some difficulty atm myself

  Hugs,
  Jeanette