Inspired by another thread. What is the ULTIMATE reason why YOU want to transistion?




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For me *don't get a biased opinion... please*,  it's because I feel like a "maiden" who is trap in a tower waiting for her prince charming, I know "gay-sexuality" exist, and that's a coping mechanism when a tall handsome bisexual man enters my life, but it's still not enough. I feel like a princess who is frozen in a coffin, who eaten an apple poison of masculinity, a princess who looks to the human world as if I was born as a freak with six eyes and tentacles, and wishes to be "part of their world". A princess, who will love a beast of a man who would accept me as the person I am, even if it's in a dungeon full of talking inanimate objects. A woman who doesn't care if the man is poor or rich, but if he can see me for me, and he flies on a magic carpet... I would love him. A woman, who dreams of a fairy godmother who can make all my dreams come true. A woman who is different, because I see the color of the winds... because of her nationality. That's what I would be.

For myself it's because since I was about 4 or 5 I knew I was supposed to have been a girl. And I struggled with that my whole life growing up.

It has zero to do with sex with either men or women. Personally I'm not into men at all.

It's about who I am, and has nothing to do with other people.


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I couldn't bear to go on living as the repressed specimen I was.  I deserve to be the real me and to have some joy in my life for whatever time I have left.

My reason is simple.  It is to get rid of the crushing dysphoria that made every day a living hell.

I wrote this a while back to describe how I used to feel.

QuoteI open my eyes and it's dark.  I'm in a box, dark, cramped, very small.  I feel around with my hands and its sealed.  There are no openings and there is no escape.  It's completely silent and as I begin to beat on the sides of the box the sound is muffled and I realize the box is buried underground and there is no escape.  I scream and nobody can hear, nobody can help.  Deep dark despair embraces me with its icy arms as I realize I  am trapped . . . alone . . . for eternity.

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

RavenMoon,

I understand. It's like part of your inner being. I could love a woman, if she sees the woman in the me. I think I saw a few lesbian women crush on me in my life, but for one reason or another it didn't happened. No, I'm not prejudice against lesbian women, or women, in general, if a woman loves me.... she has to be the man, in the relationship though (masculine attributes). I'm not the man, at all, nor do I want to be. LOL

I couldn't stand the crushing onslaught of maleness any more and if I didn't do something about it, I was going to lose my mind.

Quote from: Deborah on February 26, 2017, 12:41:18 PM
My reason is simple.  It is to get rid of the crushing dysphoria that made every day a living hell.

100X this. I can't imagine the utter HELL some of the older gals here went through holding on for SO LONG. Y.Y
I barely survived to 30 this way..

Quote from: RavenMoon on February 26, 2017, 12:34:46 PM
For myself it's because since I was about 4 or 5 I knew I was supposed to have been a girl. And I struggled with that my whole life growing up. It has zero to do with sex with either men or women. Personally I'm not into men at all. It's about who I am, and has nothing to do with other people.

This also rings true with me. I'm not going to suddenly start wearing heels because it's feminine, I'm already 6'4". Chances are I'd be a total klutz in them anyways lol (That said, if by some miracle I wander across a pair that really speaks to me, I'll have to have them. because shoes.) I'll be perfectly happy with my band t-shirts draping differently over the body I was always supposed to have. :3

Demonia boots and heels has been speaking all my life. I want to wear 4 inch heels so bad, but it's so different from "me".  I plan on wearing heels, when I go back to college *wedge- heels though *.

Quote from: Wild Flower on February 26, 2017, 12:53:48 PM
Demonia boots and heels has been speaking all my life. I want to wear 4 inch heels so bad, but it's so different from "me".  I plan on wearing heels, when I go back to college *wedge- heels though *.

O.O I think I'm in love with those boots.
My poor wallet Y.Y

Quote from: Angela Drakken on February 26, 2017, 12:49:23 PM
This also rings true with me. I'm not going to suddenly start wearing heels because it's feminine, I'm already 6'4". Chances are I'd be a total klutz in them anyways lol (That said, if by some miracle I wander across a pair that really speaks to me, I'll have to have them. because shoes.) I'll be perfectly happy with my band t-shirts draping differently over the body I was always supposed to have. :3

I'm fortunate that I'm small. I'm only 5'5" and about 130 lbs. I've dated taller cis women! (One was 6'). I can wear heels ok, but I actually like the way flats look better most of the time.

For most of my life I've fluctuated between having long hair and wearing unisex clothes, to being more "normal" looking for a guy. I told my mom I wasn't cutting my hair anymore when I was about 11 or 12. By the time I was in high school it was halfway down my back and I often wore black nail polish. This was the mid 70s. It's a wonder I never got beat up in high school! I think it's because I was small.

Unfortunately the majority of my dysphoria is centered around my face. And mainly my nose and the fact I haven't had my facial hair removed yet due to currently being fairly poor. Partly the result of being out of work for a while and having gotten divorced in 2011.

I'll be 60 later this year. I don't look it, but feels like it puts time constraints on my transition, which frankly I've barely started.

I've been putting a lot of thought into it lately. Just not sure what I want to do. I'd probably be perfectly happy just getting FFS so I could at least pull off looking female. On top of it all I've been single since my divorce, which I'm growing weary of. I still live as a guy, albeit a very androgynous guy. I don't think I'm passible in the least, but every now and then I'll hear someone say that I'll be with my daughter and someone will later ask her who the lady was she was with. Lol I get a kick out of that. Also I've just met a woman I really like. We are both musicians and are starting a band together. We aren't a couple yet, but it seems to be going that way. She says she likes "everything about the way you look" so that's not a bad thing. Most women, especially my age, aren't too cool with my long hair, painted nails and makeup. lol.

Life is complicated. There's no easy answer for any of this.


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Angela,

LOL. I would so buy if it was cisgender woman though. I bought 4-inch "taller men shoes for short men" before. I like being tall, right now I'm "okay" with being short, though, as a man.

BUT, I'm not a man, so I don't mind being 5'6' or 5'7.  Why do "I like tall men"?, it's like, so innate, it's part of me. I can't explain it. It's like a tall man can protect me. I don't want to sound prejudice to short men, since I under "short men" problems, but I'm not a short man, so it's like I LOVE TALL MEN.

Me in about 1977, shortly after high school and with my hair cut a bit shorter. I kind of dress the same way today. Lol.




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Quote from: RavenMoon on February 26, 2017, 01:09:59 PM
Me in about 1977, shortly after high school and with my hair cut a bit shorter. I kind of dress the same way today. Lol.




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You are beautiful in 1977... you remind me of Karen Carpenters! I had my hair in a similar manner, but my mother kind of "knock-knock-knock on my door" back in 2009...or so. And cut my hair back to a masculine matter. It's so not me, though.

You're so beautiful in your profile picture in my opinion, more "bravery" than I could ever do right now at least!!!

  I never consciously thought about transitioning. I don't think I suffered dysphoria perse. I think it was more a feeling of wanting more and when I found out I could, I did. It feels right.  I suppose I should explain. I have been a life long crossdresser ( yes, I've had ups and downs over it throughout) and always wished I could be more. After 64 years I found out I could get and start HRT and did so. It felt/feels right.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Hugs,
Jeanette

I spent a long time questioning and not finding answers, so I decided to just shove it all down and live my life as a cis-hetero male for about 12 years.  Trying to fit that role led to a lot of bad life decisions and a general feeling of discontent that I just got accustomed to feeling.  I met my (now) ex-girlfriend, who did a lot of studying about gender development in children, and I think it was talking to her and writing a book involving a trans character, doing my own research, that it all eventually clicked.  When it did, every idiosyncratic aspect of my life that I never could understand made perfect sense.  After looking at real people who had transitioned, I knew right away that it was what had been going on my whole life.  When you see the truth, how do you go back to being empty?  I chose to transition because it was the only thing that made sense, and still is.

I ran out of other options.  I had everything that should have made male me happy a great family, a nice home in a nice neighborhood, a dog, and no other issues.  However, I was unhappy full of anxiety and extremely conflicted on having to hide my true self from everyone.  I went to therapy and came out to my family.   The wife didn't take it well and we split and I lost everything I had worked for up until then.

I don't really see a future for myself as a male as I know I will still have the internal conflict but in addition I would also mourn the old life I lost.  At least now starting down the road to transition my dysphoria and internal identify conflict have greatly decreased.  There have been glimpses of better times and a couple of times were I was truly happy and excited to be alive.  I don't know the last time I had those feelings.

Self care.  I don't want to hurt anybody.  I don't want to be selfish, or cause trouble.  So I can push it down and away.  I did that.  I wanted to be a woman every single day, I just never said anything about it.  I realized at some point that I hadn't been to a doctor in around a decade, a was bathing extremely infrequently, and wouldn't even eat every day.  From my perspective if I wasn't able to take care of my biggest need, why should I bother with the smaller things.  I think I must have legitimately gotten to the point that my loved ones were suffering more just having to watch me exist that way.


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Quote from: Wild Flower on February 26, 2017, 01:13:50 PM
You are beautiful in 1977... you remind me of Karen Carpenters! I had my hair in a similar manner, but my mother kind of "knock-knock-knock on my door" back in 2009...or so. And cut my hair back to a masculine matter. It's so not me, though.

You're so beautiful in your profile picture in my opinion, more "bravery" than I could ever do right now at least!!!

Thanks for the kind words! My profile picture was me on the way to a gig with a band I play with. So I get to hide behind people thinking I'm a musician! Lol I always have people coming up to me and saying they like my hair or my look. They don't see a woman or trans person as much as an androgynous goth/glam person. I think.

But after that show the singer from another band and his wife told me they weren't sure of my gender. His wife said "I hope that's not offensive" lol. I said "no, that was pretty much the idea."  Maybe I look better than how I see myself. Gender dysphoria sucks.

I also had my landlord call me one day (she lives in Ohio. I'm in Staten Island, NY) because she saw me and my 25 year old son coming into the building on her web cam. My son is like 5'11". So he towers over me. She said "did you give your key to someone?" I said no, but my son is visiting. She said "yes I saw him, but who was the woman he was with?"  Umm, that was me. "No, I saw a woman."  Yeah... (not knowing what to say) I have long hair. She stammered a bit and there was a pause. "Oh... I didn't know it was that long!" Lol of course my painted nails, plucked brows and skinny jeans didn't help. Lol.

So I guess lots of people see me as a woman. I'm still puzzled by that. I have not started HRT or anything yet. 

I'm not brave enough to full on and go and wear a dress in public or anything like that unless it's Halloween! That's always been my excuse. I'm too vain to be as impassible as I see myself. I just never want to feel like I look stupid in public. But I do push the limits when I can. I have nice legs and the figure of a pre pubescent girl. Lol So I'm happy there. But honestly in real life the face puts me firmly in man in a dress territory. Mostly the beard shadow. [emoji53] At least that's how I see myself.

With makeup I'm not too bad, as long as it's night time or a dimly lit room. [emoji15]


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Quote from: JeanetteLW on February 26, 2017, 01:21:56 PM
  I never consciously thought about transitioning. I don't think I suffered dysphoria perse. I think it was more a feeling of wanting more and when I found out I could, I did. It feels right.  I suppose I should explain. I have been a life long crossdresser ( yes, I've had ups and downs over it throughout) and always wished I could be more. After 64 years I found out I could get and start HRT and did so. It felt/feels right.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Hugs,
Jeanette

Why is your profile picture giving me grand high witch vibes??? Sorry, don't mean to insult *unless that's a compliment*, oye, como me duele?

Quote from: Wild Flower on February 26, 2017, 04:38:43 PM
Why is your profile picture giving me grand high witch vibes??? Sorry, don't mean to insult *unless that's a compliment*, oye, como me duele?

I am a witch. Have been since I was about 10 years old I think. [emoji3]


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