Hi here's yet another thing I have on my mind, I know its been quite a lot hope that doesn't bother you too much!

So I was at the mall today, not long ago.. I usually go there late because my local mall is basically empty by that time and I can do my shopping in peace and not have to use my voice infront of so many other people. After doing my rounds I went to get some groceries before going home, and I glanced over at a woman who looked back at me..

And I just saw everything of me in her, I'm so sure she was MtF too for so many reasons and my initial reaction was pure joy. Finally! Another MtF, I've wanted to know one in person for SO long and she's my age and everything, will I at last have a friend who lives where I live and is traveling the same road as me?! But then I realized what an awful person I had just been. I gave her the same 'stare' that I hate to be subjected to myself, and for the first time in my life I was worried that I was passing TOO well.. I so want her to have 'seen' me too, but I dont know if she did.

Of course I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to so so badly, but I couldn't do it. She may be able to brush of my stare as another 'people randomly look at eachother, it happens', but how could I approach her? Basically tell her 'no you aren't passing, I saw you and i want to be your friend'?! I only spotted her because she is so much of what I am, in everything from looks to behavior to how she carries herself.. Uncertain, shops at late hours when very few others are around, goes to the only store in the entire area with a self-checkout so she doesnt have to talk to the cashier..

I couldn't talk to her, no matter how much I wanted to.. And I wanted to so bad, I have dreamed of having an MtF friend in my own town. But how could I do that to a person. By now I still want to each out to her and apologize.. But fellow trans people in my town are simply impossible to find online, I know I'll likely never see her again and I hate it so much that I won't be able to tell her how sorry I am for doing the very thing to her that causes me so much discomfort. I just wanted her to be my friend, so so bad.. This is how sad I am.

Thanks those who once again sat through my ramblings <3

I'd be super duper careful about assuming anyone is trans. Also, saying "you're trans" is never the way to share the info. You absolutely have to go first, and only include yourself: "Hi, I'm Floof and I'm transgender." After that, they still may choose not to out themselves.

Hugs, Devlyn

Always careful, which is why I didnt act on anything even though I saw so much of me in her. Thanks for your advice <3

I had a similar experience last week and I have to admit I felt equally guilty about the "stare".  I was at a restaurant for a work function and one of the servers was clearly trans.  She was probably early on in HRT (had small but noticeable breast development) and looked very androgynous overall but had a very deep unmistakably male voice. I too had some excitement over finally meeting someone in person who I knew was trans like me.  Unfortunately, since it was a work function and I was in full male presentation I didn't feel I could even approach her and introduce myself.  I really wanted to, and I wanted to see where it would go, but I figured in male presentation I'd probably come off as hitting on her or something.  So I may not have stared per se, but I'm sure I stole more glances in her direction than would be natural and I can only pray that she didn't notice.  I felt so guilty later when I realized what I had done and how it would have made her feel if she did notice.

While our reasons for singling out other trans folks may be different than cis folks, the end result of making someone uncomfortable is the same.  It's something I think we probably all need to be aware of and when we catch ourselves doing it either stop it, or go up and be friendly without calling attention to the fact that you've "clocked" them.  Just treat everyone like people, period.

QuoteI was at a restaurant for a work function and one of the servers was clearly trans.

On the recent National Geographic show about transgender people, they discussed one fast food restaurant owned by a M-F trans and about a third of the staff are trans too.

I also recall an airline (Thai?) where many of the flight attendants are M-F trans.

i deal with this as well, as I work in retail and have on occasion had gender nonconforming customers pass my way. I tend to pull people to my work station if possible and my NOH8 tattoo is prominently displayed on my wrist. I treat everyone the same, friendly and professionally, and avoid the instinct to comment. I had the experience today where a customer was obviously mid transition, or simply nonconforming (well over 6', the walk was very "Male", noticable stubble under the makeup) but as she was in female presentation, I called her Ma'am and was my usual outgoing self. I wanted to just say "God, it's good to meet you, you look great" but I just completed the transaction, thanked her and sent her on her way. It can be a lonely road, but not worth making someone else uncomfortable.

I always find myself staring at people I believe to be trans*, and I feel the same envy I feel towards cis women.  It really sucks to realize that I've probably made them uncomfortable. I've developed a certain response to finding myself in that sitution.  I try and do what I would do if it was just any other person I'm staring at.  And so I usually will find some attractive feature to admire for a moment, smile warmly to acknowledge them, and politely go back to minding my own business.  I hope it's different enough from awkward gawking.  It is an unfortunate situation, though, that we are so attuned to notice one another; but have no way to safely and politely begin speaking.


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What we need is a secret handshake or code phrase. 

Personally I would not feel comfortable approaching another trans person unless the opportunity presented itself in a natural way and then only if I felt a receptive vibe but I am not going to go out of my way to make contact because I am sure that would make someone feel uncomfortable and would make me uncomfortable.

Liz

I too have thought about this and experienced that feeling and questioning. Here is what i came up with:

I need to treat everyone as i would anyone regardless of looks. I know looks and the underlying story about that are important to us as humans but i don't to just approach someone to be friends because of what they look like. It just feels too different to me then i would normally act.

I meet friends at shared activities, church, hobby groups, bars (ok maybe bars should have been first but i was trying to appear at least somewhat sophisticated) etc. To my recollection, i've never just met a woman off the street and made friends, i do sort of randomly talk to guys more, but that is actually more flirting practice and if a guy smiles at me it is perhaps a bit different. Its not a perfectly equal system but that is where my heads currently at on it.

Hi Floof,

If you ever find yourself in that situation again, all I can suggest is that you initiate some sort of interaction, not as a trans person, but as a person. "I noticed your blouse, and I love it! Where did you get it?", or perhaps the old line, "You look familiar, were you here last week?", or any darn thing you can think of to engage that person.  It doesn't have anything to do with being trans, just being someone worth knowing.  From the little bit I know about you, having read your posts, you are someone worth knowing!

With kindness,

Terri

  I got an idea from another member (I think it was Tessa.James) a week or so ago.  I don't know if it was meant as a code greeting or not but it was their phrase.  I took it as such.  In AA we do have sort of a secret greeting to break the ice.  An AA member can go up to someone they think may also be a member and ask: " Are you a friend of Bob Wilson?"  another AA member knows exactly what they are being asked.

  You know this site is read by many many other people like us whether they are members or not. I know I did. I knew what Susan's Place was years before I came and joined. Because of this one possible ice breaker could be to ask:
 
   "Didn't I see you at Susan's Place?"

No it isn't full proof but it is just possible another trans person would know what you are talking about. If not no harm is done.  It could work.

   Hugs,
    Jeanette

Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 02, 2017, 05:43:17 PM


  You know this site is read by many many other people like us whether they are members or not. I know I did. I knew what Susan's Place was years before I came and joined. Because of this one possible ice breaker could be to ask:
 
   "Didn't I see you at Susan's Place?"

No it isn't full proof but it is just possible another trans person would know what you are talking about. If not no harm is done.  It could work.

   Hugs,
    Jeanette

...followed by the secret handshake and appropriate hip bumps...

lol. Along those lines I had a customer tap my noh8 tattoo and ask "Family or friend" yesterday

There are transgender pins and button that have the transgender flag/color pattern on them. You could carry one concealed until you need it and then display it. If you want one, just google transgender pin and you will come up with several places that sell them.

Quote from: Dena on March 02, 2017, 07:04:15 PM
There are transgender pins and button that have the transgender flag/color pattern on them. You could carry one concealed until you need it and then display it. If you want one, just google transgender pin and you will come up with several places that sell them.

Truthfully Im surprised we dont sell them here.

That said, I agree that the most sound advice to approach someone would be to leave being trans completely off the table. Just one person to another. Smile? Maybe a simple compliment? Small talk about wherever you both happen to be at the time.

Quote from: Angela Drakken on March 03, 2017, 05:44:05 AM
Truthfully Im surprised we dont sell them here.

That said, I agree that the most sound advice to approach someone would be to leave being trans completely off the table. Just one person to another. Smile? Maybe a simple compliment? Small talk about wherever you both happen to be at the time.

Actually when I made the post I was thinking about how I could set that up so Susan would receive a small profit from each order. Sometimes the markup is huge on that sort of thing because you buy in quantity at a pretty low price and sell at a much higher one. I don't think the market would be large enough to make it worth while so I gave up on it for now.