Hey everyone! I've recently came to a solid conclusion that I'm a trans women, however, I sometimes feel like that i'm not. I know that i am, but sometimes i just dont feel dysphoric, more like i'm content. I've recently been indulging myself with trans related interest. Maybe I've just gone a little over board and I've just burnt myself out on the feeling of accepting myself, or maybe subconsciously I put up this barrier to protect myself from emotional harm, since I am in the military and currently cant transition, so I subconsciously pushed aside my incongruence so I'm not torturing myself for the next 2 years. Has anyone experienced this before? It makes me very anxious being in this "void" and it makes me question myself all over again even though i knew for sure that i am trans. What are your thoughts?

Love,

Ashley

The standard response is that if you ever thinking about your gender this way, you are trans. As it turns out cis gendered folk don't do this generally speaking.  But there's a whole spectrum, you'll have to decide where you fit on it, I just recently finished that, only took me about 10 years after first realizing I was probably trans, but now I can admit to myself that I should've been born female, nothing short of HRT will help me, haven't decided on SRS yet, leaning towards it, but I've got a good few years before I need to make that decision.

What helped me come to this conclusion was to do things I wanted to do without taking into account the little voice screaming "it's not OK for men to do this"
What I found was, even though I was shopping in the men's department, the shirt I bought was very feminine, and I look not female exactly with it on, but certainly not just male. I'll often instinctively take a feminine posture, I really wanted longer hair, so I grew it out, etc. This will probably not work exactly the same for everyone, requires a certain level of mental discipline, I wasn't seeking out the feminine, rather just doing what I REALLY wanted to do, and as it turns out, I'm pretty universally drawn to the feminine.
That isn't to say that I don't enjoy some stereotypical male things, like competitive online games, but plenty of girls do too. It also depends what kind of girl you are, you might be a tomboy, in which case this experiment might produce confusing results, lol.

At the end of the day it'll be a personal process, but there is one common thread in all trans people, once they have these thoughts, they never go away on their own, some can keep them under control with cross-dressing or drag performance, others like me need to be seen as female 24/7 to be really happy... And it's completely normal to feel like that, for 15 years I told myself I didn't really want to transition, but I was lying.

Been there too. My sub-consious i guess wants to block out anything that deviates from what i grow up with for 20 years. That is, masculine manly man. Altought being ''him'' hurts and kills me on the inside, and has almost killed me in real life the fact that I try anything new that changes everything so drastically my mind trys to block it. My therpasits told me it is a way of the mind trying to ''protect itself''. Which makes sense Iguess, but its like why would it protect me from things that make me who I am and happy by pushing it out by trying to think about things that make me miserable and unhappy. The walls for me have been crumbling in recent times and I am now abel to experience my authntic self more and more. it feels good. The same probably applies to you. It is your mind probably trying to make sense of something rather new after many years of having to be, beleive, think and live as the opposite of what you want.

Hugs-Ashley

Ashley, that's something I've experienced as well and it was something I had to work through.  That's the reason why initially I identified myself as simply gender fluid.  However, over time working with my therapist and peeling away layers of repression and denial, what I found was that it's just another form of denial.  With all the scary possibilities I was uncovering (the idea that I might actually be transsexual and what that would mean) my mind was searching for comfort in the familiar.  My "left brain" or logic center would take over and tell me that this wasn't logical. 

What I had to do was some soul searching.  I focused on my feelings.  How would feel if I transitioned?  I would I feel if I didn't?  I played some thought games that I found in a great video on YouTube. There were two questions in particular that really connected with me and helped me sort out my true feelings:

• If there was a button you could push that would turn your body instantly into that of the opposite sex, and everyone would know you like you've always been in that body, would you press it?
• If there was a test that could tell you with absolute certainty whether you're transsexual or not, and your results said you were not, would you be disappointed?  Would you try to skew your answers to get a particular result?

That really got the ball rolling for me.  When I answered yes to the first question and realized that yes I would be disappointed and would be hoping for the test to say I was trans, I finally admitted to myself that this was a real possibility.  I got connected with my feelings and it opened my eyes.

That said, I do still have some moments of doubt, but they are becoming fewer and less severe. Good luck to you in finding your truth

I chalk it up to some sort of inner Stockholm Syndrome.  I got so good at putting on the mask and faking my way through life that it is a little difficult to let go of parts.  Habits are hard to break.

Just don't be afraid to seek help off post if you need it.  The absolute darkest days of my life were when I was active duty and dealing with a combination of depression due to injury and dysphoria.  DADT was still the rule then and I had no idea about where to find help off post or if I could even trust them if I did find help.  It brought me to the brink of suicide and you shouldn't have to go through that. 

Talking it over with a therapist that works on this sort of thing was the best thing I ever did.  Even if you are stuck for two years, you can get this out (which feels amazing by the way) and come up with a game plan. 

Ashley,

One of the things that helped me come to terms with being a transsexual (still an ongoing process) was reading about Lance Cpl. Aaron Wilson in the Marine Times while at my local VA clinic. I figured if the Corps had gotten to the point of letting people transition this must be something real. I would suggest getting a current copy of the directives to see if there is something you can do. You may just have to learn who to ask the right questions to.
A small story to highlight this. I lost a large amount of weight to join the Corps and dealt with excess skin folds that made looking good in uniform a challenge. I had the "there's nothing that can be done" attitude until I heard a Navy corpsman speak at a church retreat. He described having the same problem and how the military plastic surgeons fixed his problem! I spoke to him later and he told me the right words to say, how to ask for the consult to the right departments and bam, I was having surgery. Army surgeon removed excess skin and made a huge difference in my life. The Gulf War got in the way of some of the final touches and I was transferred. I still had issues and went to another surgeon at the base I was now at and told him my story.  He fit me right in his schedule and did contouring liposuction to fix the flaws of the previous operation. All that to say that sometimes things can be done that we don't realize.
Even if you were able to start hormones and get good counseling that might be helpful.
I'm not sure to what level you have investigated this but I would encourage you to flip over a few more rocks to see if something could be done to help you.

Take care,
Dana
USMC 84-94

Quote from: lisawb on March 03, 2017, 09:38:19 AM

What I had to do was some soul searching.  I focused on my feelings.  How would feel if I transitioned?  I would I feel if I didn't?  I played some thought games that I found in a great video on YouTube. There were two questions in particular that really connected with me and helped me sort out my true feelings:

• If there was a button you could push that would turn your body instantly into that of the opposite sex, and everyone would know you like you've always been in that body, would you press it?
• If there was a test that could tell you with absolute certainty whether you're transsexual or not, and your results said you were not, would you be disappointed?  Would you try to skew your answers to get a particular result?

These two questions really sealed the deal for me.  When I admitted to myself that I would push the button in a heartbeat and would be devastated by an answer indicating I wasn't trans, it cleared my head.  Now I am actively changing my lifestyle to begin my transition.  Losing weight, quitting cigarettes, eating healthier...etc.  It also lessened my anxiety about being who I am.  It helped me talk to my wife and I will be talking to my primary care doc at my next appointment about a referral to an endo for blood work and pursuing hrt.

Figuring it out had much the same effect on me, I was trying to lose weight for years, but admit I'm trans and suddenly the pounds just melt off. No more stress/depression eating I guess.

Hi Ashley,

  Ahhh yes, when I was content to consider myself as just a crossdresser, I had periods where I basically binged on dressing up. I'm talking full makeup, clothes, jewelry shoes, nail polish anytime I could do it. Sometimes I could not do the whore nine yards but I wanted to. Day after day, night after night and sometimes week after week. Eventually I would get my fix and would stop doing it for a while. Perfectly content to be my male self. Until it hit me again. If I could not do it at home then I got my stash of goodies and went for a ride in my car stopping somewhere secluded where I could become Jeanette again, I can't say I ever really was dysphoric as I understand it, but I had my periods where I really wanted to be a woman. At time I world even get up in the morning and get fully dressed for work in a dress or skirt and blouse only to have to remove everything in order to actually go to work. I was late on many days due to this behavior.
  It was only recently I decided I needed to transition and took steps to do so. I have lots of baggae to discuss with a gender therapist when I actually get one. (it's in the works) Although in my heart I am sure this is right for me I still get my doubts and feel like maybe I am wrong. Although I have talked to my doctor and he prescribed HRT for me, and I've talked to a psychiatrist and she has referred me on to a gender therapist, and several good people here have told me I am trans, I think I am still look for it to be confirmed by a gender therapist.
  I think, Ashley, what I am trying to say is that doubts and periods of feeling that either or both genders are right is normal.  I hope you get it figured out for you. No one else can tell you which is right.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Hi Ashley   You are so lucky that you are asking these questions while young. The word Trans was not even in my vocabulary when I was younger. I knew I wasn't Gay, just different. I spent most of my life in male mode and now regret every moment of it. There is nothing wrong with questioning who you are and where you want to go.
Rae anne 

Quote from: lisawb on March 03, 2017, 09:38:19 AM

• If there was a button you could push that would turn your body instantly into that of the opposite sex, and everyone would know you like you've always been in that body, would you press it?
• If there was a test that could tell you with absolute certainty whether you're transsexual or not, and your results said you were not, would you be disappointed?  Would you try to skew your answers to get a particular result?

Yup,Yup. Thanks for posting those questions Lisa. They're very helpful.
Paige