I am sure posting this will not help but to just get it out. I'll get "see a therapist". Or hold on. Or it going to be ok. And I am sure in the end it will all work out. This is probably the last day I am going to be able to get away with doing nothing. I know I have so much to live for , but if I was not here anymore. No body would miss me. I am happiest when I am doing nothing. My wife is not going to let it go on anymore. It's been almost a month. She is having gallbladder problems and will not go to the ER. Her scan to see is not till tomorrow. And she has been having symptoms for 5 months. So I have been putting off my dogs surgery because I don't want to take a chance of losing my dog just before my wife goes in for gallbladder surgery. I have not been doing anything and I can tell it's getting on my wife's nerves. Bad thoughts have been going they my mind. And I don't like them. But if one door was death and the other was same as it has been, I think I would walk thru the death door, especially if it was painless. Been thinking of painless ways to end it. Lock myself in the garage with my car. Or wait till I have my next appointment with my pain doctor and take all my pills at once. I just know if I mess it up I could live and be worse of than I am now. All this could just be because my E levels are low. I am on pellets. Blood test is not scheduled for another month. Or another possibility is that my pain pills are causing my mental problems. Although my chronic pain is bad. And I do need them, I am addicted and need them to function and I think my brain needs more to function and I don't want to ask for more and I won't take more than is prescribed. So I have chronic pain along with other health problems plus I am transgender. The pain along with my tummy being upset a lot and the trans thing just makes it so unbearable at times that it does not feel worth living anymore. The wife is no help at all. I want to move on in my transition but I can't. I am not ready to lose her yet. I'm just an ugly man with small boobs and nice finger nails. I will not be missed. I am already dead to my wife. I have no friends. You would think living in Southern California I could find on person like me to hang with. Just one. I am smart. Mechanicaly inclined and loyal. What more could a friend ask for. lol fighting off the tears now so I'll go now. Don't worry about me. I always figure it out. I always survive. I've lost everything before. And I mean everything.

Big hug! You listed a bunch of temporary problems and one permanent solution.
We gotta work on your problem solving skills. 

Hugs, Devlyn

What ever, do I have to say I am killing myself before anybody replies. What is wrong with me that nobody cares. Just going to take all my pain pills and sit it the garage with my car running. And you guys wonder why so many transgender kill them selves. When sombody reaches out all you selfish a holes don't say a word. Maybe if she said my boobs were not growing fast enough or something like that I would get a reply. Good bye

Quote from: Norma Lynne on March 03, 2017, 11:28:10 AM
What ever, do I have to say I am killing myself before anybody replies. What the <not allowed> is wrong with me that nobody cares. Just going to take all my pain pills and sit it the garage with my car running. And you guys wonder why so many transgender kill them selves. When sombody reaches out all you selfish a holes don't say a word. Maybe if she said my boobs were not growing fast enough or something like that I would get a reply. Good bye

Norma, that's not a good solution.  It's final, and there's no 'undo'.  There are always better paths.   I was in your exact situation a year ago, right down to hacking the car exhaust and counting the pills out.  They were on the desk in front of me.  I had a second thought, and made a phone call to my HMO's psych crisis line.  They talked me down and got me into therapy.

My wife objected to my existence.  My youngest daughter has rejected me.   The cat is doing better now, as am I.

Life can really stink at times.  AT TIMES.  But the bad times are not forever.  They pass, and there are better times ahead.  Death, unfortunately, is not temporary.  Live, and get better.

Somewhere out there is a path to hope, a way leading to joy.  What you feel now is temporary, and even if you can't see it right now, it gets better.  There are other doors besides death and the same way it has always been.  Try another door.  If you can't find it, get out there and see a therapist, or tell your doctor.  Change something in your life, and that will reveal new paths for you to explore.

Sitting in a rut, walking in the same circle worn deep into your ground, or just sitting down and giving up won't get you out of that rut.  You need to do something positive for yourself, if only asking for a little help to get out of that rut.  Ask your doctor.  Seek out a therapist.  Get a boost up and see the larger landscape that is open to you.

Hugs,
Michelle

Norma Lynne,

I am so glad Michelle was able to reply because I was just thinking about her and her story and the similarities to your own.  I would have to agree that putting out an obvious plea and having 60+ people read it without replying is depressing. I am having a bad mental health day as well and my heart ached for you as I read your initial post. I'm sure others wanted to write but probably thought they could only offer the cliche's you listed in your original post. I would like to sit ad cry with you but I think we are a long distance from each other.
One thing I can offer which kind of links with Michelle's post and also my own life at the bottom is getting to a point of accepting help. Deciding to see what tomorrow may bring if you seek out a crisis line is worth it. Michele has a story of rebuilding a whole new life that has brought me much internal strength to go forward in this transition.
Some would look to the E as the solution, especially those who haven't gotten on it yet, but as my therapist has told me many times. Estrogen can't fix an emotional or psychological problem  or problem way of thinking. Your other personal issues do sincerely add challenges to the mix and can understand you situation from personal experience, even today, but life is worth living. Make a call to a crisis line as Michelle did and allow a trained professional to help you through this time and see this in a different way.
Hoping and praying for your best,

Dana

Norma, I'm sorry your going through such a tough time.  Michelle's post has lot of good advice. 

Your original post mentioned that you like your fingernails.  Go to the store and get some new nail polish and do your nails or if you can go to a nail salon and get a mani.

You can't really compare times read to responses here, being a transgender site I imagine the vast majority of views are from people who are trying to decide if they are trans, and may not be out to themselves yet, other than that they may be paranoid of people discovering their identity if they make an account and post, I know because I was there until maybe a month ago, reading everything I could, trying to figure out if I really wanted to try to change my gender, I would've wanted to reply if I read the post but wouldn't have had the courage to make an account until I was about 99% sure.

I've had my gallbladder out, it's a simple surgery and in the mean time the condition is more painful than it is dangerous, there is a possibility of pancreatitis, which can be life threatening, but it's relatively small, I went probably six months with my non-functional gall bladder, complications are possible, but rare.

It's raining now, but there's sunshine coming, treat yourself right and I'm sure your overall condition will improve with time.

We care...we just don't want to toss platitudes at you. They sound glib and meaningless. There's no easy path for any of us. This takes fortitude. Find yours and keep your eye on the prize. There's always time to do what you suggested. But once it's done, it is done. Then you'll never know your authentic self. Value yourself, honey. It's the very key to others valuing you. Be strong. You deserve it and owe it to yourself and those around you.

I'll admit to being one who read your post and did not respond.  Your opening couple sentences made it seem like you needed a place to vent more than a particular response. I'm a fixer type personality, and if I don't have a good suggestion to help you fix it, I generally stay quiet.  Along the lines of what Jentay said, I don't have a real good answer and I don't want to just throw out the cliches.

All I can tell you is this is not an easy thing for any of us to work through. For some of us it's more difficult than others. You seem to have a lot of complicating factors going on right now, but as someone else mentioned, please try to focus on the fact that they are temporary. What we all have, no matter what, is each other.  I hope you understand that we do care about you and this is a family to some extent on this board.  We'll be here to listen, to share advice when we can, challenge you when you need it and no matter what we're always behind you ready to pick you up if you need it.

I have been in that type of depression and unfortunately there is nothing you can do other than chip away at the problems one at a time and try to keep it all together. It can and does get much better but it will take time and it will be painful for a while. Sorry but I moved out of the area around 5 years ago but if you feel it would help, I am willing to chat with you by Skype. Our hours are nearly the same and I am available most afternoons and evenings. Fire me a PM and we can exchange Skype handles if you are interested. Distraction is one way of dealing with depression while you are waiting for things to get better so you should find something or someone to keep you busy.

I know depression well and i use to know anxiety well. The two are a deadly combo.

The truth is is that life is worth seeing to the end, because you have value and you may have a lot left to do here.

So i'd get that help and start trying to focus on moving forward. Somebody loves you out there including your dog (my wife always says that is because we feed them, and i disagree they are pretty attached to us)

Also try and i know it is hard not to put to much emphasis on looks. Just concentrate on making them better day by day and you will have 100s of little victories to look forward to Your wife obviously thought you were not to shabby looking regardless of your gender presentation.

I'm sure lot's of people who read this want to reach out but just don't know what to say. We are not professionals. But we do care.  I know I felt that same way when I read it. But it's also that we all have too much to say.  Just about every trans person has thought what you are thinking myself included.  Lots of people just don't want to revisit that pain.  But you must reach out tho. Make that phone call to a crisis line if things get too heavy. Even if lifting up the phone seems like it weighs 500 pounds.  Don't carry this all by yourself.   I've made that phone call before more than once myself.
I don't need to give you numbers. You have google. You must know them yourself.  And keep talking to us too. And keep fighting. That's kind of what being transgender is about.