Today has been nothing but stress and an emotional rollercoaster ride (sad, angry, sad, happy, angry, sad, etc). Idk what exactly caused it today but its been like that almost non-stop today and no I don't believe its cause of it being Valentine's Day. If anything, its my parents, social stuff, college concerns, etc. I did meet with my emotional support person and whenever she asked "are you sure there isn't anything else you want to talk about?" I really wanted to bring up about being trans but I don't have the courage yet. I've been thinking about it a lot today, I tried to push it to the side of my mind to focus on class stuff but it kept coming up. I wasn't denying it, I just needed to focus on school work. With my emotional phases earlier, I imagined myself like as if I would've been transitioning further (which was whenever I was happy) but also caused thoughts like "Why do my parents have to be how they are? Imagine how far I could've gone with HRT by now." and stuff like that. Yes I'm still playing the waiting game but sometimes I tend to feel impatient.

Skylar,

Singles awareness day (what my daughters have dubbed Feb 14) is always kind of tough day for many people. I'm glad to see it is not just this alone. College concerns are one of the 5 most stressful things that people go through(wedding, buying a house, you know, that kind of thing).

It's okay you didn't say it today. Give yourself a pass and try not to beat yourself up. There is always the next time. Even if the next time doesn't work out either. I think you will start to find this will engulf your mind more and more, till you deal with it(or are too busy to let it jump you). I am glad you are beyond denying. That does not mean doubt will not creep up on you(it stalks most of us).

Try not to regret the perceived time loss too much. I think nearly every trans person I have encountered wishes they started earlier. There is kind of a joke about a 6 year old trans girl who wished she started 2 years earlier. 18 is still at an age where HRT can do massive changes. However, it is not a magic pill and each person's experience is different.

Keep up the positive attitude. It is sometimes hard but keeping humour and a positive stride makes life easier.

Stay strong and flexible. Don't be afraid to keep posting.

With warmth,

Joanna

I'm not single currently but I know what its like to be single and lonely a lot. So true, near the beginning of this there was some doubt and yes it does sneak up once in a while but that seems to happen only out of bad/false fear. True I know it does affect people differently but I wish I was able to start now or very soon, just have to keep on waiting till I'm able to without fear from my family. After posting here yesterday, it did help my mood a lot. Sometimes I have this problem where I tend to bottle up my stuff and then I feel like that bottle is too full and cracks (I've had this problem even before recognizing that I'm trans).

Well today was great. Went to see a movie then walk around the mall with my gf, just the two of us. It was fun "shopping" (didn't have much money left after the movie to really buy much). Even got to try on a wig for the first time, it was too small but yeah. My gf was nice enough to buy me bra extensions (I only have 34 but my actual size is 38 or 36 with extension). Turns out the extensions were too big but I still liked the thought and attempt, she said she'll return them and get a set that'll be the right size. Overall, great day despite my bad anxiety near the end but if we can do more mall dates often, I can secretly start building a wardrobe. Like I have some clothing but not a lot.

Skylar,

That's great. Enjoy those moments as they come. Hold on to them during the bad times. Try not to let doubt or a bad turn sour them. For me the positive times are what helps get me through.

Warmly,

Joanna

Well so much for a good/decent week. Got home and my mom starts flipping out and she's furious cause i had an "idea", just an idea, of moving in with my grandparents. My grandmother said no but I wanted to explore some options cause of financial concerns and I tried to leave the room but my mom kept following me, still yelling, then I told her as nice as I could to leave me alone for a while. Before that one of the things she was yelling was "Is it so bad here?" Well if I told her, she definitely would've far angrier than what she already is. Bad news about my ftm friend, he got kicked out of his house when his parents called the police on him, he told me it cause of his OCD and he told me he wasn't aggressive or violent and that it started over his dad complaining about having the transgender flag on his door. I'm afraid that one of these days if my parents anger me enough that I would really tell them how I feel about things then stuff is going to go downhill from there.

You will soon be independent of your parents. Just keep cool. Focus on school, you get a good education and good job and good money. You will need money to transition. 

I know when I was young, I had a very bad temper. I reacted on everything. I was in a constant fight with my father. But I saw that nessesary because I needed to protect myself from his abusive behavior. I did not accept him stomping on my ego and trying to crumble my self esteem.

If the later is the case in your household then that is what you need to focus on. If they yell at you and call you mean stuff, give you guilty feelings, that is what you need to work with before you tell them you are transgender.

Noone is allowed to hurt you.

Yeah but how soon? I'm 18 but don't have a driver's license or a job and I want to go to college. I know and I feel that now, cause of things going on in the country, that I feel its harder to stay silent about things that I believe in and support. I know their feelings towards transgenders and sadly it's not good, they don't call me mean things, they just yell and argue that my views differ slightly to theirs (even though in reality, I completely disagree with them on everything but its best that they don't know that). Actually I'll just provide today's example, my mom complained about a few posts on Facebook that were more left leaning and she says "You're into this liberal crap too much. The left aligned themselves with muslims and satanism. We're on the right to be right with god" summary of what she was saying. I notice that stuff they say like this is getting more worse and extreme and I've been having enough of it and it stresses me out inside, this kind of environment I don't think I would be able to come out to them. The only way that I would feel safe is once I do leave the house, then I'll be able to tell them.

Try getting into college. It's your ticket out of there.

My philosophy is that everyone has the right to freely vote and think who will rule the country. But you can't force other people to vote and think your way. I'm more to the left, liberal. One of my sons is more to the right. I can't force him to believe what I believe, but I bring him good arguments when we talk politics. He has not changed his mind, he gives me arguments back.

He is 12 years old. I think it is important to learn kids what different parties stand for. What their ideologies are. Then they can do a good job voting for their prefered party.

As I said, go to college. Education is your ticket to a free life. I never studied efter high school and have medium wage. We manage, but that is about it.

Yeah I also see myself liberal but my parents are far right, religious conservatives. I could get a dorm but if my roommate isn't a friend or is willing to drive me around, that will be a problem until I can get my own car. I can go for my driver's test before the end of the school year, hopefully in a month or two (I would love to do it sooner but knowing my parents, that's how long it'll take)

I feel so tired of waiting, of having to hide myself, of fearing the worse. Well here's my plan once I get into college. To join the LGBT club there and open up to them and then open up to everyone else regardless if I'm still living with my parents or not. If worse comes to worse, I may have to live with a friend temporarily or until I can get my own place (depends on how bad stuff gets) I still have nail polish on my feet, I like how it looks, but I constantly hide my feet with socks cause I can only imagine my parents response to such a thing.

Something you should look into is the student health care center. Many  schools offer therapy services and often include transgender therapy. In addition the school may offer insurance for students that pays for many medical conditions. It might be possible for you to start receiving some care while you are still in school so check into it.

I'm currently in high school but I imagine these services would add onto my tuition or would they have separate billings/charges that aren't in it or would that vary depending on the school?

The insurance would add to you bill and if you are under your parents plan, it might not be useful. If you have no insurance it would be very low cost (for insurance) and would likely be a good plan but read the policy before taking it.

Some student health services are offered as part of the tuition because they don't want sick students spreading bugs around campus. Transgender care may or may not be available but I suspect some of this information could be gathered from the school web site. It would just cost you a little time to look into it and you might get lucky.

It'll be worth it though, eventually they'll find out once I do come out. On Tuesday I went to the college and I did decide on what I want to go for. An associate's degree in cyber security and a certificate in PC technician. Lately I've been trying to distract myself and relieve my negative feelings through modding, like doing textures and renaming models for a game that I like. I post them and I've been getting good ratings and comments. Not only that, I've also been feeling happier and better about myself since I started that (helps keep my mind off of all my problems and stuff) I am trying to decide how comfortable would I be with a dorm but if they have services to help me transition (which they probably do) then getting a dorm would not be the best idea financially (unless if I can get a lot of scholarships and grants to cover for most costs) I didn't get a chance to ask about their club (since my mom was with me the whole time) but next time I go in April, I'll just ask about their clubs in general if that happens again.

It's hard to do anything without motivation. I just want out of this place. If I tell them that I'm agnostic/atheist and that I don't believe in their stuff, they'll probably just force it more onto me. It'll be worse too if they found out about me being trans. Even though my hair dresser did agree to let me have longer hair, apparently she forgot on Wednesday and she cut it too short (that ruined my day once I realized in the mirror). I don't have a friend's place to go to, hard to talk to anyone if they're busy or not online. Not even my gf, which that I'm used to but other couples talk to each other a lot more than just like a message or two a day (if I'm lucky, I usual hear from her every other day). Sure modding would help my stress but if I can't find any will or motivation, then how does it help? I am saving money for stuff (Like clothes, inserts, and also saving for HRT) but I can't get anything if I can't go shopping by myself. I'm hoping to get my license next month. Also does meditation even work? I know it helps people but due to my very religious family, never learned how to actually do it. I do now have a door for my room but it can't block out sound cause it can't close the full way (doorway and one of my walls are 100% finished yet)

Skylar,

There are different kinds of meditation. I had to learn it to. I later learned that I kind of do one version, automatically. For me, clearing my mind and focusing inward is a form I do. I focus on one thing so intently (can be visual to start) that you seem to zoom in on it, then again, then again. Others are just eliminating thoughts till only one or none are there. Others think of the way some pray as meditation. Sort of communing with yourself and God, others just see it as communing with themselves. There are other more mystical and deep ones. It can help to calm you. I sometimes get hyper going to a doctor's appointment. Then My pulse and blood pressure are a lot higher. I can kind of focus inwardly and take a few deep breaths and see or feel my heart relaxing some. It starts to slow down a little and just "chill out" a bit. If I have enough time before hand, I can usually(not always) drop pulse and pressure.

My wife does this exercise with an orange. Where you look at it. Feel it and smell it. You can almost feel it in your mouth and on your tongue. Look closer at the pores. See how the fruit is made up of all these little units. Feel the pit and imagine that one "cell" being on it's own. Does it have pits inside it? Can you sense them. ... It just keeps going like that. That is a form.

Sorry you are not feeling so motivated. That has been true of me as well for the past week or so. I just sort of don't want to do anything. Now I have to go get motivated and take my kids to the mall and run a few errands.

Good luck. Try to stay up.

With warmth,

Joanna

Well I did it, I finally did it. I told them that I just wasn't interested in religion anymore. They weren't happy but at least they weren't yelling at me like maniacs. I could tell they were a bit heartbroken, I hate making people sad but I'm tired of being fake. I guess the next step would be to come out but I rather wait. I have a hard time calming down and my fears and anxieties are already jumping around everywhere.

They came down to my room a while ago, asked me for some of my reasonings and then they said theirs along with "Just think about it." How they handled it really proved my fears wrong. I feel I did the right thing (though considering that Easter is Next Sunday, probably not the best timing) but regardless, I don't like being fake and it was a time to stand my ground for my thoughts and feelings.

I know what you're saying to be true for me as well. I have had to completely alienate myself from my family because of their closemindedness and prejudice towards the entire LGBTQ community. No one knows that I am transgender, and I don't plan on them finding out of my own doing. Call me a coward if you want, at this point it won't phase me. Last year I told my mother that I am bisexual. She didn't take it well. She repeatedly called me f*g. If she didn't take that well she sure as hell wouldn't take this. But I didn't really care at the point. She was emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive my entire childhood. That ended when I moved in with my father as I cut her off completely, but the abuse continued from him. My father was physically abusive. Now since they are both dead I really don't have to worry about their hate.

As a result of a few things, I made the stupidest move most anyone can make. I got into drugs heavily. Lost 2 years of my life that I barely remember. Don't be an idiot like me, and stay the hell away from that junk.

Do yourself a favor and stay in school. Get as high a degree as you can/want and you will go far. Don't do what I did. I dropped out my junior year due to bullying. As such the best job I had found was Pizza Hut and 3rd shift at a gas station. Due to several physical/emotional reasons I'm now on disability. It doesn't pay very well. Between what I get and what my wife makes at her job, we just barely scrape by. Neither of us have any kind of degree, except for her bachelors in general studies.

If you believe in forgiveness good for you. Personally I don't have it in me to forgive. People only get one chance with me. If they blow that chance they are an enemy for eternity. Don't let yourself get full of anger, hate, and resentment, because I can tell you right now, it isn't the easiest life.

From my experience it seems easier to come out to women (cis women) because they are usually more openminded than men. Just my experience.

If you can, then you could make a post on Craigslist to start a support group in your area. That's what I did, and it's opened a few doors. I've made a few friends. Not everyone you meet will be safe tho. I've also received extremely hateful and threatening e-mails for "poisoning the internet with my perversions". Not everyone is a winner. But DON'T ever let yourself think you are a loser. You are worth a lot more than that.

I guess if you want you can either PM me or e-mail, if you want more details about my experiences.


At this point there is only one thing I want from you. Never forget that you are a strong and proud woman. Don't let anyone drag you down because of their stupidity or intolerance. You don't need those people making your life harder.

Be strong.



Your new friend,
Jennifer RachaelAnn