I went into Target today to look for a new sports bra. I have been on HRT for about five months now and my breasts have been feeling extremely sensitive and sore. Sports bras are all I can wear right now. I am a transitioning Trans woman. I present as female, but I am pre-op of almost everything excluding the fact I am on HRT.

Anyways, I walked into Target because I know their changing rooms are Trans friendly. Everything went smoothly. No one hassled me at all. The changing rooms were empty since it was only 10 in the morning. I tried on a few sports bras and chose one to buy. I headed to the register to pay. I was feeling very happy since no workers or customers seemed to give me any weird glances. I hoped I was passing to them. Their reactions told me I was. So as I approach the register, my heart sank. There was a very heavily pregnant woman with her two daughters in front of me. I felt my gender dysphoria bubble up and my chest begin to tighten.

The woman was so beautiful. She must have been 7 months pregnant and had a very round bump that was sticking out of her sweater. Her two little girls were sitting in the shopping cart and playing with each other - bright blonde hair and blue eyes (what I hoped my daughters would like like if I had any). The woman was absolutely glowing. She had that pregnancy glow and looked so content. Frazzled (from having two young children in cart and being heavily pregnant), but content.
The woman was buying a bunch of baby things and was talking with the female cashier who was also pregnant. As the cashier rung up the purchases, the two women laughed and partook in womanly talk about motherhood. The woman told the cashier she was expecting a boy and that her husband was happy to finally have a son, the cashier told the woman she was expecting a girl and that she had been hoping for a girl since she already had a boy.

The entire time the women were talking I stood back timidly. Hoping they would not notice me. I listened to their conversation feeling like a fraud. An ugly, monstrous man in a dress that was only pretending to be a woman.
That's not the worst part of what happened.

As the woman was lifting bags into her cart, a male employee came over and offered to help her with her bags to her car since she was so heavily pregnant and most likely could not do too much heavy lifting. As the three of them stood there helping the woman lift bags into her cart, one of the little girls (who was now out of the cart) looked up at me and said "Mommy, why is that man wearing a dress?" All three of them then looked up at this and saw me standing there. My chest tightened and I felt my heart drop. I saw the two women's faces fill with concern, then shock, then disgust when they saw me standing there and registered me in their vision. The woman instinctively pulled her two daughters closer to her - like she was afraid I was some monster that would hurt them. I set the bra on the register counter and quickly walked out with tears streaming down my cheeks.

I am lying in bed right now crying and feeling like dying. I feel so empty. Every time I think I pass or belong, something happens to remind me that I will never truly be one of them. Women will never accept me or treat me as one of them. I will never know the joys of pregnancy or motherhood. I will never know what it is like to make womanly small talk with other women who are experiencing the same thing as me biologically (i.e pregnancy/motherhood). I will never know what it is like to have complete strangers want to help and be kind to me because I am carrying a little baby inside me. I will never know what it is truly like to be woman/female. I feel like an ugly,monstrous, fraud of a man in a dress.
Sometimes I am so jealous of cis women I want to give up and just kill myself. Does it ever get better?

Welcome to Susan's Place. Unfortunately one of the problems transitioning is little kids because they may say hurtful things without even understanding what they said. I am sorry it happened to you but you have made great gains going into the world as yourself and the future can only get better. Five months on HRT isn't very much and some of us take a year or two in order to real bloom. You are not ugly,monstrous or a fraud but you are a person dealing with a very difficult problem that very few will ever face. You  are courageous and a beautiful person in side where it really counts. Take some time to get it out of your system then go back to becoming your true self.

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Blackbird,

Nothing can change the facts about reality. Because of the way you were born you (and many of us here) will never know what it is like to carry a child, or to ever truly "fit in" with everyone else... But neither will so many cis women born infertile, disabled,  or any other thing that sets them apart from the rest.

We are all born different, even if some people seem to be "normal", even if some aren't born quite as different as the rest of us. Accepting who and what you are is just as important as accepting who and what you want to be and who you are going to become. But not everyone can do this.

Look at what you do have rather than what you do not have. You have the courage to be who you really are in a world filled with questions, uncertainty, doubt, discrimination, bigotry, etc. The vast majority of people in this world don't have that kind of courage, not even close. They will never have that. So many of them don't even understand themselves at all let alone have the smallest bit of courage to be who they really are in spite of all the obstacles. They are often afraid of the smallest things, like difference or change. This courage is something we all can learn in life and it is ultimately more valuable than so, so many other things. Yet so few ever learn this ability. It gives you the power to change not only yourself but the entire world around you. And no one can ever take that away from you so long as you do not allow them to. That is your beauty and your grace, and if anyone ever thinks otherwise than they are the true monsters in this world.

As for having children and being accepted, know that there are many in this world who will and do accept you exactly just as you are now. And being accepted for who you really are is millions upon millions of times better than being accepted for who you really are not. You just have to find these people in the midst of everyone else.

And if you do someday decide you want to have children, why not adopt them? There are so many children out there who aren't being accepted simply because they have no one there to truly accept them. Children who would otherwise might never fully know acceptance either.  Those whom don't have children of their own blood are given this opportunity for something so great. A chance to truly love a child whom is in many ways, unseen ways, like yourself. And to pass on to this child everything you have learned in life. Everything about acceptance.

Don't let these kind of things make you sad or upset. Look at them for inspiration. Stay true to yourself and someday you'll look back at these moments and laugh, because life is beautiful.

I'm so sorry you had this experience. Sadly Target can't control what sort of unaccepting people might be in their customer base, even if the store and employees are allies. This was just a very bad encounter in many ways, a perfect storm of yuck.

Some things to consider...there are cis women who cannot become pregnant that feel that very same isolation and that very same grief at the prospect of being left out of the "sisterhood of pregnancy", missing out on those conversations and feeling included in that aspect of motherhood. They can run into thoughtlessness and casual, ignorant remarks that ruin their day, too. It does not make them any less women.

Another thing to consider...some women are just not nice, not accepting, and not friendly, even to other cis women. Please try not to take those nasty people to heart, or personally, or think it's *your* failing. It's not you, it's them. There are plenty of nicer and wiser women that are better friend material, and they WILL accept you as one of them. Many of my close friends are cis ladies that I know would never close someone out because of the circumstances of their birth.

They are out there, a lot of them, but just like making friends in any circle, you have to weed out the rotten ones and pick out the good ones. It's scary even without the stress of transitioning and worrying about prejudice, so you have an extra hard row to hoe, but I promise you that you are not doomed to a life of being shut out by women, or never being accepted as one of them.

I don't know if this will be any help, but this reframing helped me years ago when I was being bullied and felt like I would never be accepted by *anyone*. You know how, in nature, some venomous or poisonous animals are brightly colored as a warning that they're toxic and dangerous and should be left alone? I began to see nasty, rejecting behavior as the human equivalent of neon colors, and think of them as a gift. Those women in Target yesterday flashed you some bright, nasty colors and let you know in no uncertain terms that they are poisonous, so hey, great warning--even if you were cis, their friendship would be worthless. Like I said I don't know if that helps others but it made me feel a LOT better about other people's nastiness, and in realizing that it wasn't me, it was them.

Seriously...it's not you. It's them. They are awful, and you had the misfortune to run into them, but I promise you that they do not represent Womanhood.

*hugs*

Hello Blackbird,
I can relate to how you feel. Just last night, as I was lying in bed in my nightgown and looking at my morbidly obese belly, I was wishing that I could just be pregnant instead of fat! I have frequently wished that I could be female and experience the miracle of childbirth. But that is not to be in this lifetime. I have to accept that. But I DO want you to consider a couple of things. #1- You mentioned that you were still on HRT. I've never been there (yet? ) but could that be a contributing factor to the rapid onset of depression? I have heard that HRT can cause a flood of emotions that you may never have had to deal with. and #2- Instead of being depressed over what we CAN'T do, we need to focus on what we CAN do. You are very fortunate to be able to be out in public as your true self. You passed well enough to not have any concern at the dressing room. You passed well enough that you didn't cause concern for the mother until AFTER that child called you out. Yeah, it sucks being called a man in a dress, but could some of the mothers actions be attributed to her embarrassment of her child blurting something out? (I don't know, I wasn't there) But if you will focus on the positives I'm sure that you could see that you have ALREADY come a long way. Don't give up on yourself now!

This was a very painful account to read, I can't even imagine the feeling being in your shoes for this. I'm sorry I don't have some sage advice nor can I answer your question about it getting better since I am very early on in my journey.  That said, you are not a fraud, you are not a man in a dress and you are most certainly not ugly.  You are a strong woman trying to burst through the horrible shell of the male body you were given at birth. You're fighting a battle with yourself and with society to be the person you truly are rather than putting on an act for your lifetime so you should not feel guilty or a failure for doing so.  You'll have stumbles along the way.  You'll get hit in the face with a few tree branches as you run along your path, but don't let that stop you.

Personally, I do believe it gets better.  Yes there are things cis-gender women get to experience that we'll never know.  Some of them good some of them not so desirable. At the same time, we get to experience something a cis-gender woman never will, the ability to fully appreciate our femininity on an unparalleled level since it has been withheld from us for so long. While a cis-gender woman may take her womanhood for granted, we have the unique understanding of what a special and wonderful gift it is.

Hang in there, I know today was tough but maybe tomorrow holds a big victory for you.  All you can do is get up in the morning and see what life brings you next.