An interesting thing happened this week. I came out as genderqueer to all my co-workers in a company-wide email, and everyone from the CEO on down has been so supportive and encouraging that I almost feel an urge to dial it up a bit so that I can meet their expectations. In a way this is good, as it helps me overcome the fear and push my own comfort envelope, but at the same time I'm not sure that it's a good idea to put on a performance...best to do what feels natural I think.
Also I wanted to talk a bit about my own bi-gendered psyche. I realize now that I have always had very strong feminine traits as well as some masculine ones.
Take for example my libido: I'm a man who likes girls a lot, and is not at all attracted to other men (sadly). But I've never been comfortable being the "pursuer" and the few relationships I've had (none in the last 20 years) were all ones where I was the one pursued. I tend to get crushes on sexually aggressive women, many of whom turn out to be bi or lesbian.
Porn does nothing for me, and while a lap dance can be interesting from an aesthetic and sensual perspective, it is completely unerotic. On the other hand, getting a deep, long-lasting hug from a woman who has true affection for me - especially if it's someone I have high respect for - can trigger my desire in a powerful way.
However, there's a contradiction as well, in that I tend to be only attracted to women who are both highly beautiful and intelligent. I think part of the reason is that my overall sex drive and T levels are low, and any kind of "turn off" will kill my fragile buzz (not sure if that's the right word).
Some other signs:
* In video games, especially online, I always play female characters - playing a male just doesn't feel as comfortable. In online games, I much prefer the way people react to me when I am in a feminine persona.
* When I go to a mall, if I pass by a men's store and look in the window I'm like "yawn...", but when I pass by a women's store I think "Wow, that's interesting, I wish there was a way I could wear that and not look ridiculous." (Although part of the problem is that men's fashions tend to be about conformity...)
* In my cosplay hobby, I'm often frustrated by the fact that the outfits I most want to create are designed to fit a female form.
* When it comes to things like board games, I am completely non-competitive, "winning" bores me. I much prefer cooperative games where everyone works together to solve a challenge. Things like sports feel utterly pointless.
* Every time I look at myself in the mirror as a man, it's like a paper cut. But when I look in the mirror when I am dressed as Tasha, it makes me really happy.
* I never, ever raise my voice or show outward expressions of anger.
* My most arousing thoughts are the ones where I visualize myself as having a woman's body. (When I was younger, I got the same effect by visualizing myself as an Elf, but I've come to realize that besides my having a pointed-ear fetish, elves were really a stand-in for the feminine self.)
On the other hand, here are my "masculine" traits:
* As an engineer, especially at work, I can be quite opinionated and forceful about technical matters.
* I'm extremely analytical.
* I am very Machiavellian - everything gets evaluated in terms of tactics, cost/benefit analysis. Including personal interactions, politics, work decisions, and so on. When something bad happens, my reaction is "OK, what's my next move?"
Since a young age, I've felt like an alien in my body, but not because I was gender dysphoric, but rather because I was smarter and more imaginative than any of the other kids in my school - a geek basically - and because I had no friends until I was 17 (when I learned to play D&D in the Air Force). In fact I'm not even sure that I am gender dysphoric now, in that my wish to be more feminine is driven more by positive desire than by negative feelings about my body. My current feelings about my body are more disappointment than revulsion, like I've reached the limit of what I can do and that there's nothing more to experience or learn.
