I can't take it anymore. I'm a 21 almost 22 year old person who identifies as female but is trapped in a male body. I want to be a beautiful pretty cute elegant graceful feminine attractive woman but it feels impossible. I'm autistic and obsessive compulsive I rely on my parents so much but while they are very loving and caring they do NOT support me transitioning. Last night my dad compared him supporting me transitoning to him supporting me stabbing myself. I feel so awful because I know I'm putting them through so much pain and anguish and it's all my fault. I just wanna be a normal girl with friends and a partner and a career and hobbies but I feel too worthless to do this stuff. Please I need to talk to someone, I need a friend who understands, please help I'm dying inside <3

Worthless? Not at all.  To be honest, my parents went ballistic at me when i was younger and they found shoes and knickers in my room.  All they kept saying is that they loved me and didn't want me to ruin my life.  This felt like the exact opposite.

Looking back now though, I guess what they were getting at is that could see the difficulties I would have (this was many years ago too, when people were at loss less open minded) and didn't want me to put myself through that suffering.  I guess in a way that was them showing their love, the only way they knew how.

I can't say what your dad is thinking but, is it possible that he was trying to protect what he loves?  Stopping you from what he perceives as hurting yourself? If that's true, it would mean you already have worth, it would mean that they love you.  That's gotta be worth something right?

(As a point of interest, I decided to never bring it up with my parents again.  That hasn't been easy either)

Thank you Sammie yes I know my parents do love me they constantly tell me they can't support this because it's not me and would hurt me. This makes me feel worse about hurting them. Right now I'm feeling hopeless like I can never ever be a girl

Guilt is a horrible thing.  I think it causes a lot of upset and anger.  However, if it is the guilt/ fear of upsetting your parents that is the only thing in your way, you still have a choice.  Lets be clear, its not an easy choice and I am sure that you wouldn't want to have to make it but, you do have the choice.

This is one of lifes little problems.  Quite often we feel trapped, like we "can't" do something.  The truth can be though, that is fear stopping us, nothing else.  Fear of guilt, fear of reprisal, fear of change.  All of these thing haunt us, they stop us from just doing whatever the hell we like.  However, and this is the really annoying bit, we need these fears, this guilt.  Imagine a world without it, people would just cause chaos. (Think, The Purge but times 7 billion!)

I guess what I'm getting at is, it's normal to fear these problems.  You do have choice in what you decide to do but, you will have to face your fears to do it.

You are correct, I guess the thing is I feel I need support in transitioning, like some big time support, which they are obviously not providing. I wish I was independent but my handicap is currently holding me back, I need some help but it feels like that's impossible

Having said that, you have already taken a positive step.  You have come on here, opened up to a stranger (and believe me, they don't come much stranger than me lol) and you have asked for support.  I have only been this site for a couple of days but, having had a read through, everyone seems so supportive.

Frankly, we are here for the same reason, looking for a friend to share the highs and lows with.  It does seem like a good place to start though  

Without giving too much personal info away, where about in the world are you based?  Do you know of any support groups locally etc?  I am sure people on here will have some suggestions.

Aw thanks! Yeah I guess we are kinda in the same boat, and it constantly feels like it's gonna sink! and yes everyone here is so sweet it's such a friendly transpositive environment. And well I live in Canada, you'll probably think that means I have lots of options but I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere in the country's most religious region, so really there is nothing for me here in terms of resources. I want to move to a city which I'm sure will have lgbt support, but that feels a long ways away right now, do to my handicap and my parents not trusting me to be independent

I'll be honest, I don't know what the culture is like in Canada, so I cant really comment on that.  I do know though that it is easy to feel alone, even if you're surrounded by supportive people but, it doesn't mean that you are.

The world has changed, not as much as it could do but, it is easier than its ever been to communicate with people from anywhere you are.  It's not like it used to be, you have options.  I have some people who i have known for years, with whom I have a fairly decent friendship with, whom I have never even met.

I completely understand the need for physical (I'm not talking about sexual) contact with people too, which is part of my reason for being here, hoping to find friends.  However, just having the knowledge that there is somebody, on the other end of keyboard, can be a huge relief sometimes.  Know what I mean?

Totally that makes complete sense! I'd love an online friendship too (I kind of have one already but it's not quite what I'm talking about), the problem is I've tried talking to literally thousands of people online and it always ends in disaster. People just leave and disappear and don't understand me and sometimes outright insult me. How is it possible for someone to be so pathetic that countless people abandon them and they practically experience no success in that regard. That's why I now feel like i am completely unfriendable, no one would ever want to be my friend, even the nice people here

Quite a few of us are on the autism spectrum. In terms of what you can do to improve things, a lot depends on your diagnosis.

You don't have to live with your parents if you don't want to: with the right support you can move to an independent or semi-independent facility and do what you want to do. At 21 you are legally an adult; do your parents have some sort of additional legal guardianship over you? Or are you fully emancipated, as you should've been at age 18/19? If your parents have gained some additional rights over you to continue being your legal guardians after the age of majority, you could petition the Courts to have those rights amended, or to allow you to seek the medical treatment that your parents are refusing.

If you don't have any restrictions on your rights, then you're free to contact a Gender Therapist and start discussing your need to transition. You have the right to make your own medical decisions and you don't need your parents' permission to do anything. As you have OCD, it's important to consider how long you've wanted to transition as a therapist will want to take this into account. Is this something that's come on recently, or have you been experiencing it for years?

If you're unable to live independently, you could start by contacting one of the autism organisations (such as Autism Canada) to ask for details of how to be come financially independent of your parents. You could ask for help in finding someone to advocate for you. Or you could search the database at Autism Junction for a list of residential services that can help you find supported accommodation.

P.S. not supporting you in your need to transition is NOT being loving and caring. You need to do whatever is in your best interests.

FTMDiaries, thank you very much for your support. In all honesty I'm not certain how much legal authority my parents have over me, they handle most of my finances and medical things but I've never heard of them holding and extra legal authority over me. I have been wanting to look into living independently through assistance in the city, I guess I just don't know where to start exactly and I'm SO scared of hurting my parents even more. I will be seeing a psychologist soon, not gender specific but hopeful they can help a bit. My parents set him up hoping he'll convince me I don't want to be a girl tho.
And that's one of my biggest fears, as a therapist who was very rude told me, basically my thoughts on gender are invalid because I didn't really start feeling this way until less than three years ago. But that's because I had NO knowledge of what transgender even was until then, there were always signs but what hope did I have of knowing before I even knew it was an option?

Let's clear this cyber life thing up a bit.  Forums, online personas, chat profiles etc. can seem a bit "flimsy" at times.  I guess a part of the problem is that people have a life AFK which can get in the way.  I too have fallen out with plenty of cyber people but, I don't ever take it too personally. 

I guess it can be a bit like road rage.  People get aggressive, pushy, always in the knowlege that they are safe in their little metal box.  Take away the car though, watch people walking around town, they don't swear at each other to move (well some of them do)

A computer offers that same degree of separation which makes people think they can get away with anything.  I guess that seeing letter on a screen just doesn't promote the fact that there is living, breathing human with actual real world feelings on the other end.  Don't let cyber nonsense get you down.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 10, 2017, 10:57:06 AM
P.S. not supporting you in your need to transition is NOT being loving and caring. You need to do whatever is in your best interests.

Sorry for not being clear. I'm saying that it is Loving or Caring but, just that they might see it as such.  Hope I didn't cross a boundary.

Totally online interaction can feel so impersonal at times, I guess I get too attached too quickly to people online since many of them aren't there for those reasons. Is it possible I could start online friendships on here, is this a safe place? And will anyone here be willing to be friends with anyone as terrible as me?

I blame Facebook.  When did the world change so that you click a button to make friends.  Friendships are built, not just clicked on easy win badges to collect. 
You don't seem "terrible" to me, so I would be happy to chat when I can.  Don't cross me though, I can go from 0-Crazy in 5 seconds flat

I'm Sammie by the way, Nice to meet you

You're right, I guess the thing is I get so scared of losing people I try to hard to early to connect instead of letting our friendship flow naturally! And lol that sounds nice to me hi Sammie I like to go by Jessica <3 btw do you know how to personal message other users on this site?

Hi Jessica

I don't know how to PM either yet.  Still, I'm sure we can figure it out.  I think you have to have a certain number of posts before you can do it from what Susan posted as suggested reading when I joined.

Heya totally we will! I figured it would be a post minimum! Do you know where she posted that suggested reading? If you don't know that's fine!

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,492.0.html

Try here

Okay found it I'm 4 posts away from being able to PM could I message you when I reach that minimum?

Okay Sammie just got your message, aww thanks I'll see you soon too!