Hey y'all,

So, I'm finally at the point where I'm willing to admit to myself that I'm deeply unhappy as a woman and that the idea of living as a man, while mired in a lot of other emotional junk that I need to unpack, brings me incredible joy, to the point that I've come out to a handful of very supportive friends who have adopted my preferred pronouns and new name so incredibly easily that it makes my heart hurt, I'm so happy. At the same time, this admittance seems to have dialed my body and social dysphoria up to an 11. I've always had a hard time with my appearance, and though thinking of myself as a man and finding the masculine parts of myself helps to alleviate it somewhat, at other times being so viscerally aware of why I'm so horrified by what I see in the mirror makes it even worse. I didn't used to have terrible dysphoria about my voice, beyond an absent yearning for my range to be lower, but now sometimes when I speak, I surprise myself. I don't know if this is normal, or if it's psychosomatic, or what, and I was wondering if anyone else noticed this?

I'm so much more comfortable thinking of myself as a guy, and though it used to only bother me when people commented on my particularly "girly" traits, or bemoaned my lack of them as was usually the case, now I find that knowing that's what they see, what they think of me as, is digging under my skin. I haven't even started therapy yet and I'm nowhere near close to passing or to coming out and even further still from medically transitioning but it's still just really getting to me. Is this something that some of y'all have experienced and if so, how did you deal with it?

Thanks,
Oliver

Admitting I was trans? nah the dysporia wasnt too bad after that moment. However, dressing and living as a woman for any given ammount of time then for what ever reason having to go back was when dysporia sky-rocketed.. lost job, horrible times. I guess once you get that taste of freedom you really dont want to go back, and if your not just time, you dont want to stay stagnant.

I can totally relate to your feelings (MTF in my case). Before seeing a therapist about it I had waves of Dysphoria where I just wanted to start transition immediately and even after I had days where I was just about to blast it to the world. I was also increasingly unhappy how I looked - at least that has resulted in losing 25 lbs in weight, so something good came out of it. I also noticed I started behaving more girly.

Being trans and everything associated has pretty much has completely consumed me for a god part of 6 month. It finally got to a "this is normal" state after starting HRT. Now I am just impatient with changes taking time. Dysphoria has shifted quite bit to other areas and overall has dialed down quite a bit.

As usual the recommendation is to try to find a therapist. Even tough I initially just thought of it to be a gatekeeper to get Hormones, it has helped sort out some of the issues around it and some old lingering issues on top.

Hi Oliver,

I completely understand what you are saying. I am the same way, but opposite (mtf). Whenever I start to accept and truly believe that I am trans, the dysphoria goes right off the scale. Things about myself start to upset me that never bothered me much before. My voice, every little body hair, my bone structure, my bigger than average head, the way I walk, everything. If I don't accept myself, then what was acceptance becomes anger and depression. The anger and depression do a great job of masking the dysphoria, sometimes the dysphoria is completely gone, but all that is left is an empty shell of an angry, depressed person. Not a good way to live.

It is really great that you have been able to come out to some friends who are supportive. That will be a great help to you.

You are so much further ahead than I was when I started this journey. It has taken me over 18 months of therapy to get to where you are now, and I haven't come out to anybody besides my wife and therapist. I think once you start therapy you will progress quite quickly and find your way sooner than you think.

I wish you well.

Jessie

Yeah, my dysphoria got worse after realizing this was the actual problem, I went from thinking my discomfort was a character flaw, vanity, or whatever - something I could fix - to learning that it was inborn, more like a disease or a deformity from birth, and more out of my control. That was weird and depressing, because I've always survived on the idea if I have a flaw I can overcome it; the idea of having this problem that ended up being so similar to that of others with the condition made me feel like fate/luck had taken a giant dump on my head, a larger and nastier one than usual. Before, I had always thought of myself as a flawed but normal-ish person. Now I do not even know if 'normal' people feel what I feel or see things the way I see them.

Then when you go from being generally dissociated from the body to telling others this is how you feel, you realize what they were really seeing you as, how important this superficial shell is to them, when again I thrived on the hope people saw more than that in me. But they mostly didn't. My parents disappointed me in that for all their pretend tolerance in the past and all their telling me I was "special" and "different" through childhood they've now decided to act like I don't exist.

It's one thing to live with a bunch of confusion and dysphoria and not know its name, or why you feel like that... and another to realize all the reasons and see people's true colors. I definitely feel worse since "discovering" trans was what I was.

I just deal with it knowing I will be happy to see what sort of man I become. It will take years to finish this process, but I will find myself. That's all that matters. If anyone doesn't like it, I don't care. Anyone who knows me will know it's useless to try to talk me around it. It's not the first time I've wandered off into the world alone to find a better person in myself.

Mine got SO much worse. I got really depressed and started binding too tight. I got more anxiety and I think it's permanent because the smallest things make me wanna cry... man, it sucks


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

For me it definitely got worse.  I think it was the fact that I finally connected with my feelings instead of denying or repressing them.  Once I allowed myself to actually acknowledge what I was feeling, it was like flood gates opening.  In a matter of months I went from thinking I might be gender fluid to realizing that I am a woman and it's time I started living as one.

I guess it's part of the process. I feel like everyone else in this regard.  I think there's initially a disconnect,  and then our intellect has to make a deal with our soul. I reconcile it all constantly.  Though less now than last month and hopefully less next month than this one. Somewhere along the line I'm hoping for synchronicity between the struggle of intellect and soul to meld in harmony. Cuz' that's what this is all about for me......., finding peace, I mean. That's what I'm actually seeking, some peace, just a little peace.
      I've often found things in my life that I pursue get harder before they bring me joy. I'm praying that will bethe case here as well.

So far for me, it has been less. I've had a completely different mood since coming out to my girlfriend and an online friend. I've also found out my gf is ok with me getting womens clothing and dressing up around the house, but she recommends that I don't do it outside the house.

I havent started any other process yet. I still have to present as a cis male or my job will be in jeopardy.

Quote from: Kylo on March 14, 2017, 07:23:36 PM
Yeah, my dysphoria got worse after realizing this was the actual problem, I went from thinking my discomfort was a character flaw, vanity, or whatever - something I could fix - to learning that it was inborn, more like a disease or a deformity from birth, and more out of my control.

Such a good way to put it, Kylo! I have been really struggling with the question: Are these feelings dysmorphia or just vanity? And then it struck me that there are many, many AMAB people who are vain, but they don't go around dressing like women--they are in the gym working on their muscles, shopping for finely tailored suits, and generally doing other things that don't really do much for me.

As someone who loves to overthink everything and rationalize all of my actions/decisions, I have been really struggling with the fact that I just plain do not understand WHY I feel the dysphoria. I am still kind of hung up on that question, to be honest. So one thing I have been doing to help to ease my post-coming out dysphoria, and the attendant urge to question "Why do I want what I want?," is to just be as nice to myself about these feelings as I would be to a close friend coming to me with the same concerns. Somehow it's so much easier to tell someone else "Who cares if you understand--you do know that it makes you feel good, so why not keep on doing that?" That is helping me tame the urge to endlessly justify my feelings. After all, I wouldn't dream of asking a trans friend to justify his/her/their feelings to me.

Congrats on coming out to yourself, Oliver! I am glad you found Susan's Place--it's a really great community.

Yes, way worse.
Everything that I had buried, masked, hid for years just came bubbling to the surface. Some stuff I was aware of, other things I wasn't. A bit of a shock initially, but things are slowly settling now.

I feel the same way, Oliver.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

For me it was mixed.

When I finally figured out I am bi-gender my emotional dysphoria simply went away. Acknowledging the male elephant who has been sitting in the room for 35 or so years seems to have been enough.

However, the physical dysphoria (which has always been this oddity that I didn't understand why the hell a straight female wanted a penis) wasn't bad before I figured out I was trans. After, now it's something that goes through my mind many times a day and now causes some sexual awkwardness and frustration too.

It definitely was for me. I was a real mess after I admitted to myself that I was transgender. Being in semi-denial I could go for days, sometimes even weeks without dysphoria being a problem. Actually I was a bit of a mess in the months leading up to that as well. I convinced myself that it was something that I only felt when I was drinking, and yet knowing that, I was wanting to be drinking all the time. It took me a long time, even after, to sober up, because somehow if all of this was just one big long bender, it wasn't real.

Thank you so much everyone for responding to this! I'm sorry it took me a little while to get back to y'all, but reading everybody's thoughts and hearing your affirmations of similar emotions has been incredibly helpful over the last few days.

I'm a little worried because there's not a whole lot I can do about the social dysphoria aspect - I'm a ways off from coming out in any large-scale capacity, particularly at a place like work or somesuch - but I'm getting a haircut tomorrow and have a couple of binders coming in the mail so hopefully soon I'll at least be able to feel comfortable and right when I'm at home/on weekends.

Thank you all again, so much, for sharing your thoughts and feelings and stories. Some of you put so eloquently into words what I was feeling myself and it was deeply meaningful and validating to read.

- Oliver