Hi.
I recently realized that I want to examine my gender and gender expression. I've been reading and realized it's time to talk to people about my thoughts.
About me: I'm 38 years old, born female and raised as a girl. I'm married to a lesbian. We've been together for 20 years but only married recently. I suspect most people assume I'm also a lesbian, but I'm actually pan. We don't have any human children, but clearly hold the crazy cat ladies title among our friends. I live in a conservative university town in the Intermountain West. If it weren't for the diversity attracted by the university living here would probably be unbearable. In general I think I come across as a woman. I'm an introvert and my MBTI personality type is INTP. I have an invisible disability. I have 4+ years of college, but no degree. I enjoy writing, drawing, and raising aquarium critters.
What brought me here: I'm questioning my gender and want to learn more about myself and find out how I am most comfortable. Looking over other's introductions it seems my experience isn't unusual for those here.
I'll start at the beginning while keeping this as brief as I can.
As a child I dreamed about being a princess and secretly hoped I'd been switched at birth. But no such luck. But with my friends I often played the male role in games and make believe. I felt comfortable in those roles, but sometimes insisted on being the girl, too. I loved elaborate costumes. I daydreamed a lot about being a boy so I could marry my best friend. I had crushes on boys, too.
In junior high I heard about gender reassignment surgery and spent a lot of time wondering how it worked and if I wanted to be a man so I could marry a woman. But at the same time I very much liked the way I was starting to look as puberty progressed. I liked makeup and dresses and all things feminine.
My junior year of high school I finally learned about lesbians and bisexuality. I was like "ah-ha!" I thought that explained all of the weirdness I'd always felt.
In early college I met and fell in love with the woman I'm married to. I experimented with packing, binding my breasts, and crossdressing. But it didn't feel quite right. So I spent several years cutting my hair very short and dressing as androgynously as possible. That didn't feel right either.
My sweetheart and I attended the annual drag show at the university every year. When I watched those fabulous, confident, feminine butterflies strut and dance across the stage I wished I could join them. I wanted the sequins and feathers and lace, too! I wanted to be irreverent, sexy, and subversive. A few years the show included drag kings, too, and that also appealed to me. I loved and longed for it all. I really wished I could get involved but as an introvert, as a disabled person, there were always obstacles that seemed too huge to surmount.
As the next generation grew up and started redefining gender and sexually I felt distinctly jealous. They have so many choices! Growing up there were only 3 possible genders: man, woman, or transsexual. But if I was transsexual I wold have to be a man and live that role exclusively for the rest of my life. That didn't appeal to me. I realized that if I was growing up now I would not consider myself a woman.
It all came to a head recently. While being intimate with my wife I realized I wanted male pronouns for myself. The dissonance was so strong it really threw me.
So now I'm not sure what I am or how I want to express my gender. I don't know if I'm a woman. I know i'm not a man (at least not all the time). I don't know what pronouns I want, or if I want different pronouns for different times...
I kind of wish I was like Mr. Potatohead. That I could pick and choose whatever combination of parts that suits me at the moment.
When I look at the style choices of others, I like outfits that combine overtly feminine with overtly masculine in jarring ways. I think I would be most comfortable if my gender was not obvious at first glance, but not neutral either.
