I have resisted becoming a male because of my abuse but more and more I feel that I do not belong as female. I never did. I am intersex caused by progestin exposure and frankly to be honest i am already 4 cm big naturally down there. I have been  a tomboy all my life. I did things boys do not things girls do including beating up boys. I can understand men better then i can women. But i have always disliked men because of what they did to me. I am scared I will admit it. Only a fool would say otherwise. I don't want to be rejected any more then I already am by society and my family. I am also so used to considering myself a lesbian that the thought of becoming a man and being hetrosexual as a transman feels uncomfortable. So if anyone has any advice, thoughts or has gone through similar things please let me know.

I find its pretty common for people to be confused about a change in sexuality name when they transition, sometimes you get so used to the labels that describe you that its weird hearing a new one. All sexuality is the relationship between who you are as a gender and who you like. I urged some people I knew to not overthink it, you love who you love and that's that, whether youre a girl or a guy who likes girls or guys. If anyone asks you can always simply say "I like girls".

As for risking any more social distress coming out as trans, that's up to you to decide. Im wondering if it'll make much of a difference if people already know you as lesbian, I imagine most people who arent homophobic tend to not be transphobic either, or if they are I dont know if they see that as any worse than what being a lesbian already is. It's up to you, you can wait until it feels safe to come out or work up the courage to do so, that's your call.

If you are a man and you know all the signs are there its safe to say at least to yourself you know who you are. It gets a little more difficult from here so I wish you luck in your steps to transition if you choose to do so

I really relate to this on a few levels.
First off, I had a really uncomfortable time considering T because the thought of myself being like any other straight dude just really put me off. There is a lot of privilege that comes with being a straight cis guy and I felt really uncomfortable joining the ranks of dumb straight cis guys. Its a class of person my own beliefs would be uncomfortable joining. This is large in part why I like to self-identify with being non-binary. Not to mention that my whole life I didn't walk around feeling like a guy trapped in a woman's body. I felt like a pretty masculine lesbian trapped in a binary world. On a gender binary scale I probably fall around 7 or 8 towards being a guy. I found that labeling as Non-binary really released me from feeling like I had to subscribe to the violent, tough and cruel world that many cis-men subscribe to.

Secondly, I too had a really hard time giving up my lesbian culture and identity. Oddly enough though, the world "lesbian" always gave me an icky feeling. It always has. I think because it can be a very loaded word in the straight community. This is why I have been more aligning myself with the word "queer" and "queer community". Not only is it more trans-inclusionary but its also gender neutral because it is not limited to the gender binary that comes with "gay" and "lesbian" identities. I actually refrain calling myself trans because there is an assumption of gender binary in it. That was actually why I didn't even consider Testosterone for so many years is because I thought T was for Trans people and Trans people are people who sit at one end of the gender spectrum but want to go to the other end. I didn't know HRT can be customized to the level of gender you feel like. For instance, I KNOW I want top surgery but am very unsure about bottom surgery.

Starting HRT for many people is a really obvious decision but I think for a greater number of people it is a much more difficult one. Gender is not a boy girl affair and there is a stigma around HRT and GRS that it has to be. Well I'm here as living proof that Testosterone does not make you a straight man just as your current estrogen does not make you a straight woman.

Quote from: kings joker on March 17, 2017, 02:17:06 PM
I really relate to this on a few levels.
First off, I had a really uncomfortable time considering T because the thought of myself being like any other straight dude just really put me off. There is a lot of privilege that comes with being a straight cis guy and I felt really uncomfortable joining the ranks of dumb straight cis guys.

I think this is really weird to me, I understand having bad experiences with certain people can cause certain preconceptions, but I dont think the general idea of cisgender men should necessarily be that they are a dumb jock lot of overmasculinized people who are all the same because theyre not. Theyre a varied group of people, If someone aligns the idea of transition with becoming part of a group  then I think theyre doing it wrong, its more about you, not them. There's no right way to be a man and no one type of man.

In fact, it seems one of the biggest misconceptions by transphobes about transgender men is they do it to get in on "male privelege" because theyve been "brainwashed by the feminist movement", which is laughable since transmen arent in any way influenced by some cultural movement but by their own comfort and drive to be themselves.

I'm intentionally generalizing. That was just a fear of mine. I was having trouble getting through those fears to get to the point where I could say "yes, T would make me look more like how I feel."

To transition or not to transition, that is a question we all face. The answer is pretty obvious in hindsight but it's not so obvious where you are where you are. There will be one issue that decides it for you and it differs from person to person. Some people can't see themselves getting old and gray in their birth gender. Others reach the point where they look at a poor example of the opposite gender and they would still rather become that rather than remain as they are. Then there are those like me who determine our life will be cut very short unless we do something about our dysphoria. I don't know what your reason will be but you will know it when you find it.

The uncomfortable part comes from knowing that I have male like behaviors in me  that I hate. I fear that going on testosterone might make them worse. I am going to counseling for it. My counselor and I have discussed this and she feels that as long as I stay sober I have nothing to worry about. I do not want to become like my abusers.I want to be better then them. The whole thing revolves around my abuse not male privilege. Being intersex means being part male and I have to come to terms with accepting that part. Oh well I guess on the upside of things if i do start on HRT I will get bigger down there then most transmales because I am already as big as most get normally after using it.

Funny thing about estrogen and testosterone. We have members who are shall we say repeat offenders and going both ways, once they start on hormones, they settle down. I can think of one in particular that I was dreading starting testosterone because I am aware it can increase aggression but I now enjoy reading his posts because I don't fear needing to moderate them. I suspect if you are really uncomfortable with your current set of hormones there is a good chance you will gain more control over any behavior issues that you have. In any case, the mental changes happen very early on so you should know within a month or two if testosterone is something you are comfortable with.

I have not actually started hormones yet. I have to get my doctor's (GP and psychiatrist) approval first. It is stuff i used to do when i got drunk that i did not even know i was doing. I had a lot of rage and unfortunately i took it out on the wrong people. I did not remember when i was doing it. PTSD and drinking is not a good combination.  My kids told me i stopped doing it on my own when i met my second wife but the fear is there now that I know what i did.

So why do I want to be a male? Because i don't feel female. I never have. I don't belong. I have nothing in common with women except for the body. If you stick me in a room full of them i struggle to find something to talk about because i find the topics they choose boring and all i want to do is enjoy the scenery and listen to the sound of their voice. I  have to really force myself to focus on them to understand they are saying because my mind drifts it is going she sounds so nice who cares what she is saying. I do not have that kind of problem when men talk.I am competitive and I can be some what aggressive with men if i need to be. I see cis women straight women my kids who i taught to be strong feminists give into what their hubby's want and it drives me nuts. I don't understand the submissive nature of a female at all., I would have told them (the hubby's) to f off.