Hello everyone

Last night my daughter went to a sleep over at a friend's so I had bough my (non transitioning husband) some comfy pajamas like I wear. I asked if he wanted to wear them and possibly wear them to bed.... he was very hesitant at first worried that it would feed into his desires of wanting to be female. It is going to take a lot of counseling and me showing my acceptance of him to get him comfortable with his female self. He says that it feels good to wear the clothes but he's uncomfortable at the same time. It's like his female and male self are at battle with each other. But he felt so good wearing the pajamas that he asked if I minded if he wore his bra I bought him. I said I didn't mind. Wearing the bra did make him feel the discomfort for not actually having his own breasts though. He says that he absolutely will not tak HRT or fully tradition. He says he's not willing to just throw 43 years of his life as a man away and taking on another (to him) bigger issue with publicly transitioning. He also said that getting older he thinks about his female side more that when he was younger. I'm curious as to why that is. So in the end he ended up sleeping in the pajamas but he did not wear the top to sleep in (he usually just sleeps in his boxer briefs). I asked him how he felt about wearing them all night and he said that he liked it and that he could get used to wearing female clothes. I told him that most female clothes are not all that comfortable... those were just pajamas... lol

I'm glad to hear you're making some progress.  Maybe it's just a matter of a little bit at a time to make him more feminine.  Perhaps you could have him try panties or pantyhose under his clothes or some other small step.  Does he follow this forum?

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 20, 2017, 12:08:01 PM
He also said that getting older he thinks about his female side more that when he was younger. I'm curious as to why that is.

I find the same thing for myself. I'm 64 though, so older. Could be hormonal, since my T is definitely declining, which frees up some of the estrogen men naturally produce. Could also be increased societal awareness, which maybe points out the answer to "what's wrong with me?" I think in my own case, it also has to do with increased self confidence as I feel something like, "can this actually hurt me?" (Not much, apparently.) I play music the same way, just dive in and make those mistakes.
Randy

I have suggested for him to try wearing panties under his clothes but he won't... the pajamas have been one baby step. He doesn't want to do anything outside of our home.

Might I suggest women's jeans?  That is one big secret that I learned early... Women's jeans are comfortable!!  Get Boot cut and no one will know the difference unless that are checking them out!

   I am also 64 and yes I think as I got older I thought more of wanting to be a woman. Here recently a feeling of running out of time has affected that also. ( I've been told I don't have long to live a couple of times now though I'm doing my best to prove them wrong )  In my younger years I think the desire was appeased by my crossdressing bit those thoughts of wishing I could be a woman would still arise now and then.

If I may offer a suggestion to overcome your husband's empty cup disappointment. He may feel better wearing a bralette as they will lay flat against his chest and provide that tactile feel. I know I love the feel of the fabric against my skin and ever more so as I am feeling my breasts begin to fill an A cup bra.

  Jeanette

The bralettes I have found are too small... where can I find one for a size 40 chest width?

I am about a 40 but like a snug 38. Try an Xhilaration or Gilligan & O'Malley from Target size XL. I have both of the below and like them. The second is a little less snug.

http://www.target.com/p/women's-lace-plunge-bralette-mint-green-xl---xhilaration%E2%84%A2/-/A-51146875
http://www.target.com/p/women's-lace-bralette-mauve-brown-xl---gilligan-%26-o'malley%E2%84%A2/-/A-51166949

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Quote from: Denise on March 20, 2017, 05:13:05 PM
Might I suggest women's jeans?  That is one big secret that I learned early... Women's jeans are comfortable!!  Get Boot cut and no one will know the difference unless that are checking them out!

I second the jeans. Stretch jeans are my favorite pants. I changed into a pair when I got home tonight. I've seen cis men wearing men's versions that look just like mine. Except most women's have a subtle decoration on the back pockets. No one will notice unless they're looking, and then "Why are you looking at my pants?" Lol

We shall see a little later. For now the Jammies will have to do. I have suggested in the past getting some of those trendy pants men are wearing today. He wouldn't do it.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 20, 2017, 12:08:01 PM
Hello everyone

Last night my daughter went to a sleep over at a friend's so I had bough my (non transitioning husband) some comfy pajamas like I wear. I asked if he wanted to wear them and possibly wear them to bed.... he was very hesitant at first worried that it would feed into his desires of wanting to be female. It is going to take a lot of counseling and me showing my acceptance of him to get him comfortable with his female self. He says that it feels good to wear the clothes but he's uncomfortable at the same time. It's like his female and male self are at battle with each other. But he felt so good wearing the pajamas that he asked if I minded if he wore his bra I bought him. I said I didn't mind. Wearing the bra did make him feel the discomfort for not actually having his own breasts though. He says that he absolutely will not tak HRT or fully tradition. He says he's not willing to just throw 43 years of his life as a man away and taking on another (to him) bigger issue with publicly transitioning. He also said that getting older he thinks about his female side more that when he was younger. I'm curious as to why that is. So in the end he ended up sleeping in the pajamas but he did not wear the top to sleep in (he usually just sleeps in his boxer briefs). I asked him how he felt about wearing them all night and he said that he liked it and that he could get used to wearing female clothes. I told him that most female clothes are not all that comfortable... those were just pajamas... lol

Your husband so much like me. I am 44 and only last week I was telling my therapist that I don't want to throw away my male life, put extra strain on my marriage and transition. The feeling of not wanting to "throw away" your years is a form of grief. By fully accepting myself as trans and thinking about transition, it becomes painfully evident that I have missed out on a childhood as a girl, growing into a young woman and adult. That feels like great loss that I'm sure many trans people feel who realise who they are later in life. I personally deal with it by telling myself that had I transitioned at a young age I never would have met my wife. To me that would be a greater loss than a lost childhood. I still have to go through the grieving process of this loss as I come to terms with my gender. But I don't want to one day wake up in 20 years time grieving the loss of another 20 years on top of my current 44 because I didn't do anything now.

Having said that, I don't have current plans to transition. My wife and I have agreed to just take baby steps until I get to a stage where my dysphoria is either gone or at least manageable while we continue to have an amazing life together. I am going to start HRT in the coming months (I have my first appointment with an endocrinologist in late May). My plan is to speak to the doctor about starting off on a low dose to see what effect it has on me and then consider increasing the dosage if necessary. I'm sure I can be happy living as a man if I can tame the dysphoria. It may also become evident that I need to go all the way to a full transition, but that is only one possibility. It has taken me a long time to understand that there are many many ways to be transgender.

As far as wearing women's clothes, I have had mixed feelings. I like to wear women's clothes, but at the same time it increases my dysphoria because it highlights to me that I am not female. I have a pyjama.....thing. I just realised I don't know what it's called. It's like a long sleeved shirt but it comes down to just above the knees like a skirt. A skirt shirt!! [emoji846] Anyway, I haven't been wearing it because I'm not entirely comfortable doing so yet. I also can relate to your husband being uncomfortable with a bra because it's a reminder that it's not actually necessary because there are no breasts that need to be supported.

Yesterday, I had an initial trial of electrolysis on my face. After only a single 30 minute session, I was amazed at the effect it had on my mental state. Knowing that I have started the process to permanently remove my facial hair has made me feel so much better about myself. And for me it's a win win scenario. Both my wife and I dislike facial hair and I hate shaving, so worse case scenario is that I never have to shave my face again, with an added bonus that it has given me a mental boost without giving up being a guy.

You are doing an amazing job of supporting your husband with your acceptance. That is fantastic! Your husband seems to be going through very similar emotions that I am going through and we are almost the same age. He can message me anytime if he wishes to talk some more, and of course you can also continue to message me.

I will stop my rambling now, I have said a lot.

Jessie

QuoteI asked him how he felt about wearing them all night and he said that he liked it and that he could get used to wearing female clothes. I told him that most female clothes are not all that comfortable... those were just pajamas... lol

I wish my ex had been more like you.  While she liked to see me in stockings or pantyhose, she made it clear that was as far as she was prepared to go.

Quote from: Twoman44 on March 20, 2017, 12:08:01 PM
Hello everyone

Last night my daughter went to a sleep over at a friend's so I had bough my (non transitioning husband) some comfy pajamas like I wear. I asked if he wanted to wear them and possibly wear them to bed.... he was very hesitant at first worried that it would feed into his desires of wanting to be female. It is going to take a lot of counseling and me showing my acceptance of him to get him comfortable with his female self. He says that it feels good to wear the clothes but he's uncomfortable at the same time. It's like his female and male self are at battle with each other. But he felt so good wearing the pajamas that he asked if I minded if he wore his bra I bought him. I said I didn't mind. Wearing the bra did make him feel the discomfort for not actually having his own breasts though. He says that he absolutely will not tak HRT or fully tradition. He says he's not willing to just throw 43 years of his life as a man away and taking on another (to him) bigger issue with publicly transitioning. He also said that getting older he thinks about his female side more that when he was younger. I'm curious as to why that is. So in the end he ended up sleeping in the pajamas but he did not wear the top to sleep in (he usually just sleeps in his boxer briefs). I asked him how he felt about wearing them all night and he said that he liked it and that he could get used to wearing female clothes. I told him that most female clothes are not all that comfortable... those were just pajamas... lol

I wish my wife was as understanding as you. She's pretty good, but reaches her fill quickly. Your spouse is very fortunate to have you. That said, it could be age in terms of not wanting to throw the male side away. I can only speak for myself, but the role gets old after awhile. Considering I've known I am different since 4 years old, I've been playing the male role for over 50 years. It's a long time to be inauthentic. I think in time, your husband may feel the same way. At 43, I thought I could hack it. Give him time and good luck, you're a really good wife and friend to him.


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Jesse brings up an interesting point that I've personally observed as well.  At one point dressing tended to diffuse dysphoria, now it heightens it by emphasizing what I am not and the role I don't fill in my life.  I am actually more comfortable and less prone to dysphoria now by remaining in male mode without episodic covert dressing.

Quote from: Steph Eigen on March 21, 2017, 10:13:09 AM
Jesse brings up an interesting point that I've personally observed as well.  At one point dressing tended to diffuse dysphoria, now it heightens it by emphasizing what I am not and the role I don't fill in my life.  I am actually more comfortable and less prone to dysphoria now by remaining in male mode without episodic covert dressing.

For me, dysphoria happens when going back to male mode.


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Happily I was single (well, dating) when I first realized this was a thing and I decided in '97 I would not present in male mode for sex or fail to let prospective partners know that I'm trans and only wanted to engage in sex while in femme mode.

This didn't mean my SO (of 18 years) didn't object strongly to transition, she did early on and that was an element in my deciding not to transition for a long time and drawing the feminine line at sexuality and chosen close friendships.

So while I haven't had the conflict the OP has and I've had full support (and appreciation) of my partner for however I choose to dress but we've certainly had to work through the transition.

I've recently come out to my girlfriend about being trans and liked crossdressing. Previously I've only cross dressed in private but I'm slowly working my way up to dressing up more around her. Shes more accepting now but I'm still restraining. She hasn't seen me wear a stuffed bra yet and I haven't worn any panties. I don't have any and she suggests that I should get some but I don't want to flood her 'with too, much too soon'.

I don't see transitioning as "throwing away" time, but fine tuning to where I want to be but everyone has their own limits. I completely respect you for being there and accepting his desires.