Something I wanted to vent about because it's sad and frustrating. It's not necessarily a "guy" thing, but it sure doesnt help the image.

So I have an awful personality, I've been dealing with social anxiety since elementary school. Im just not good interactinf with others. Sometimes I think maybe it stems from mild autism but I cant be sure (and I dont have the money for a therapist to get tested). Things like eye contact, holding conversations, affect and emotion in my voice when talking about personal stuff (Normally I just talk about school/work). I dont know how to talk to people, and I end up sitting in a room awkwardly not talking...so I avoid people. A lot of times as a kid I got so consumed in my own activities and interests, I didnt realize that it wasnt normal not to associate with people. Ive been criticized by teachers and peers before for being quiet, it's not a healthy thing to be.

More into adulthood I feel like its a crutch because I cant work or get hired for a job if people dont like me to work with.

I also feel like it impedes my relationships with people and friends. Culturally speaking, people expect a man to be forward, strong, and decision-making. It's the man who asks the girl out. It's the man  who proposes. It's the man who is the top in bed. It's the man who's the dominant figure in a relationship. Men have large and loud voices, men take care of those in their home. Men are aggressive and fight when provoked for things that they care about.Men dont cower and have small voices and be too afraid to impose their wishes or wants on anyone.

Granted, that's a generalized statement, you know, not all men need make that expectation, but I feel really off not just as a man but as a person for being this dysfunctional.

I've improve over the years, making a conscious effort to try being more outgoing and stuff, but to anyone not knowing the difference Im still fairly reclusive.

But it still affects my life. I dont know how to associate with the majority of males, I mean I get them and I do okay, but if I ever meet a canon macho male I would feel pretty inferior and not equal in comparison. Im working in a clinic right now, well interning, and Im doing mediocre. Im trying to get enough blood draws in for my class...and it isnt working because they hadnt felt ready to let me draw because I didnt seem confident enough, and I REALLY REALLY tried to be, despite the fact that I needed to draw more to get in practice to feel more comfortable with it (Essentially being stuck in a loop and the only way out is to fake being confident). I mean, Im working in the medical field, with people and coworkers a lot, I have to manage a lot of my anxiety somehow or else I'll never make it. I feel like I might fail my certification course because of my incapability to put in enough draws and sticks, it's not all my fault (Its been really hard because it's a  slow site Im at and I have a timeframe to meet, and the people here arent true instructors they just work here and their main job isnt teaching and they havent guided me that much, I just feel in-the-way since Im not getting paid here), but they will pinpoint my flaws and say this is why I cant make it in the field if I fail. It's MY fault.

It also in a way affects my relationship...I have a girlfriend and I dont know how to be a "man". She makes the decisions, she decides the activities, she's the outgoing talkative one, and Im just along for the ride. We arent sexually active because of dysphoria, and it doesnt help that Im not good at taking the dominant position in foreplay (Not literally, but in talking and getting the mood). Im just not dominant like her other partner. She's a woman and likes being submissive, but I cant be the person to help her with that. It's not a huge issue, mind you, we still love each other and dont pay attention to gender roles much, but this is something I feel Im severely lacking in...I WANT to be dominant, I wish I was...

I cant make it in this world as a man much less a person the way I am. People dont find it cute or endearing, it' awkward and annoying. Normally I dont mind being like the stereotypical man (I know a lot of straight and gay males that are sweet, less aggressive, and not macho, I'm pretty feminine in a lot of ways myself and I dont mind that) but I feel it still sucks to not be dominant enough, it hurts my credibility and I feel inferior and small.

Being dominant doesn't necessarily make people like you or make good things happen. You can end up with just as many problems.

As a kid I had the same issues as you, social anxiety, no eye contact... I was probably on the autistic spectrum, teachers, kids and other people got on my back all the time for not being polite or engaged. It was entirely possible to fix these with force of habit. Building social skills is a matter of practice.

The ironic thing is that underneath the reserved exterior, there turned out to be a forceful and dominant personality. Probably get it from my parents who are both so forceful and violent they can't stand each other and were divorced within 6 months of me being born. Anyway, having such a personality is just as much a hindrance as being shy. As I said before I could not look people in the eye as a child and now I could win a staring contest with a fish, yet people react badly to it even when I'm not being assertive with it. They hate it. Just a short while ago someone remarked how uncomfortable I made them feel just by looking at them. And it's not the first time people have claimed I was intimidating just by looking or speaking. I get into arguments and altercations very easily and unless you're 6'2"+ tall quite often you'll find the reaction to it from anyone who thinks they are more powerful than you is to do things like try to get you fired or evicted to assert their own dominance over you. And these are just in cases of point where I was actually treated unfairly by someone else and was just standing up for myself. If you want to be dominant enough to fight for your beliefs are you actually prepared to fight? There's nothing graceful or endearing about fighting and raw aggression, believe me. It tends to scare the crap out of people, and little else.

The other downside to a dominant personality is not being able to back down which can cause you a lot of grief in relationships. It's nice to be the one to make decisions because my partner tends to not want to make them anyway (but being perpetually driven to always assert yourself can mean you always gravitate to weaker people than yourself because the equally dominant simply won't get along with you), but after many years you know that it's all on you, if your decisions went awry then you'll carry the blame. You'll be the one constantly soothing someone else with a weaker constitution, you'll be the one who has to think/act you both out of a bad situation, you won't be able to look around at others and expect help... they'll be looking at you to give it to them. Being the "dominant one" does require you carry the weight and you do not complain or give up because if you do nobody else will take the reins. So if that's what you want, you need to be up for it. "That guy" that everyone wants to be - he probably carries a lot of invisible burdens on his shoulders.

And when it comes to family... if they happen to be assertive people too and so are you... maybe you can expect fireworks or disowning like I got.

Tbh, having a more assertive and dominant personality means I get on worse with people, perhaps worse than I did when I was a quiet kid. I didn't especially want to be dominant, in fact I was terrified of becoming like my parents, but it seems that's exactly what I'm like and nothing's going to change it. I can't lower myself to kiss someone's ass or concede a point I don't agree with conceding for whatever reason, I do get angry and aggressive sometimes and I'm not well-liked and adored, let's put it that way. Instead I'm told I'm all kinds of colorful things, and some people are afraid of me - people I love and care about, and that's not a pleasant revelation.

There have been people I lived with or interacted with who attempted to show overt sorts of dominance over me and let's just say things always deteriorated with these people. I would not be surprised to find those with dominant personalities are in fact the most lonely sorts of people, unless they can find someone who is happy living with their personalities. 

If you want to be more assertive or more dominant, you can train yourself to be, but just be aware of the negative aspects. People may pick more fights with you, people may avoid you, people may say things behind your back, family may distance from you, and you might have tried to be the best person you can be in all of this and stand up for what is right and it still won't matter. You'll still be the "bad guy".

General confidence and assertiveness are two different things, and if you lack general confidence in your job doing certain tasks, repetition until you are familiar with something should eventually get you to the place you want to be. Maybe you can just ask for extra time and guidance on that or something by expressing a desire to become adept at it. Confidence in talking to people comes with forcing yourself into more social situations until it no longer becomes oppressive to be in a room with a bunch of people, and until you are no longer self-conscious about every little thing. Practice makes perfect; just be prepared to screw up a few times along the way, and you will get there. Some tips I found helpful were moving away from an area I lived in when I was a kid and starting over. With new people who don't know you at all, you can at least try to start off on a better footing instead of a flawed one. Another was to get involved in drama class. Yeah, seriously. Getting up and acting/singing in front of people is a nightmare for the shy kid, yet if you can make yourself do it, you will gain from it.

You want to work on actual confidence, not on being assertive for the sake of it. Fake confidence is obvious and not respected. The rest comes with it.

I know that this response is long, I tried to hit all of the points just so that I don't post a bunch of responses. You do not need to feel like you must answer all of my responses, or any.

First I want to say that being a "guy" doesn't mean you can't have feelings, be sad or frustrated, vent or anything else. It doesn't hurt your image as a man to express your feelings and let people know you are a human being.
I have a few questions/clarifications about your personality and anxiety that might help us and you make sense of the situation.When you talk about affect and emotion when talking about personal things, are you saying you lack it? Or feel you use too much of it?
I do not feel that being quiet is unhealthy... I am a very quiet and reserved person unless I am comfortable with someone. I had a few friends, but if I didn't have a class with them I never talked to my peers unless forced to. In college I am sure my teachers thought I was strange because I never talked to anyone unless they talked to me first. Do not think it is bad to be quiet or reserved. In regards to getting consumed in an activity, my brother in law is that way, as is my husband. They both can get so drawn into what they are doing that a crying baby isn't enough to bring them out of their zone. This is normal behavior (and is often seen most in males)

This may seem strange, but Chase Ross just uploaded a video about "toxic masculinity" and he talks about how there is a type of masculinity, described in the extreme of the generalizations (including no emotions, misogyny and the like) and how they are dangerous for all men, but trans men in particular. It is so easy to get caught up in the male stereotype and attempting to fit that that we often forget that as men we can be feminine and soft as well. That it is okay to embrace that femininity for the sake of our mental health. (this includes being quiet, emotional, chatty, or anything else).
We are all people and are all unique in the ways that we express ourselves, we shouldn't feel like we have to fit a mold that most cis-men do not fit themselves.

I agree that it can be frustrating to live your life as a quiet, shy, and anxious person, I too struggle with this. Don't push yourself too far too fast. Maybe go out where no one knows you and challenge yourself to ask a stranger a question (safest to ask about the location of something so it isn't intruding) and go from there. But I cannot stress enough that you have no need to be outgoing if you do not feel that way. Especially if you have already done so for the sake of work. I can tell you from personal experience that if I spent all day smiling, talking loud enough for people across the room to hear, and holding up non-sense conversations.... I wanted NOTHING to do with talking or touching for a couple of hours after. Now that I only engage with children I can still do those things after work.

I hope that you manage to get enough blood draws for your internship, if I lived close I would suck up my anxiety and fear of needles in order to help you. The thing with interning.... If they are not teaching you than they are not doing right by the program. The ONLY reason interning works is because we can prove that unpaid interns learn more than they benefit the company. If they are not teaching you than you are not learning more than you are helping them. An intern should be being taught.... I know it can be tough, but maybe find someone who you get along with and ask them for advice on how to get more experience and draws? I will admit I know little about how the field works as needles, blood, and the squishy parts of people freak me out.

You say that your personality is horrible, but you have a girlfriend, so you must be doing something right. But, again we come back to the toxic part of masculinity for you, the need to be "the man" and all of the extremes it comes with. (I totally get it in terms of her wanting to be a submissive, which might be easier once some of your dysphoria is dealt with) but it is totally okay to let someone else make choices and choose activities, just make sure you speak up if you do not like them. And if you cannot speak up to your S.O. than maybe that person isn't right for you as that person should be the safest space you can go to to talk.
Honestly, I can only tell you that if you want to be dominant, be loud, be hyper-masculine, than you will have to push yourself out of your comfort zone to do it... and maybe you will find it suits you... but maybe you will find it makes you more miserable.

It may be awkward and annoying to you, but unless others tell you they find it that way too, do not assume people do not find it cute. (my hubby sure does) HOWEVER, even if they do find it annoying, it doesn't mean they don't care for you and aren't willing to work with your anxiety and individuality.

I am confused as to what 'credibility' you are concerned about.... Your credibility as a man? As a person? 'Street cred' is often something used to express how hyper-masculine a person is, to show off how strong, superior, etc they are... honestly, not something I personally admire in people... I have found that I am more confident when passing as a man, I can talk to and ask questions of store employees in ways I cannot in my fem clothing. I am laughing more, more outspoken with friends and family and generally happier which makes me want to engage with the world around me.
I do still fear that I might say the wrong thing, but remembering that I can always try again helps.

Hey! Your personality is pretty awesome from what I've seen here on the forums, just saying for the record. So don't sell yourself short. And being an introvert doesn't equal terrible personality either.

Sounds like you've got a few different things going on in your OP. One thing that stood out to me are your interpretations of gender roles and stereotypes. A lot of this is cultural, depending where you live, and the kinds of people around you - ones from family of origin to co-workers/work and friends. There's a lot of ways to be a woman, or man. Aggressive males are not the 'ideal' and Cricket's post above about 'toxic masculinity' is right on.

So here's a little about me: I'm a couple months away from 40, and just figured out I'm trans last year. I've tried all the ways of being female, more or less. The key theme has been gender non-conforming for much of my life and well outside the mainstream norms for my family's heritage (Greek) and for folks I grew up with. I had the reputation of being a 'loner' and an 'eccentric'. I generally did things my way, and I had no time for being told, time and again, that I'm 'too feminine' or 'delicate' for this or that. As a child and teen, I was highly, highly introverted... really, into my late 20s, when I became much more confident in myself. I'm something between an introvert and extrovert now. I do have moments of social anxiety now, but not to the degree I used to (paralysing). I still have the solitude requirements of an introvert, though. But I can chat with people at work all day, and be the life of the party etc... as long as I get my down time later. For me, I realised a big part of my introversion was due to clinical depression, which wasn't treated into my 30s, and I became more comfortable in myself.

I've lived in other places in the world and have seen different ways for men and women to be, and express their identities. I definitely don't think the ideal for women--or men--is passive/submissive or an extreme opposition of aggressive/dominant. Most of us fall on a spectrum here... just like gender. And this doesn't necessarily stay the same either, but changes as you go through life. I know very artistic, creative cis men and also very hetero-normative traditional men too. They're all ways of being male, and there's no one 'ideal' way. I know ultra-femme women and more butch women and they're all legit ways to be too.

For you, I think you're being tough on yourself.   From your recent posts you've been going through a lot--starting T, coming out to your family, figuring out yourself as you go through all these changes--and then there's your schooling. That's a lot of pressure and stress.  All I can suggest is to try to step up the healthy self-care and try not pressure yourself with 'I should be this way or that way' to add to the stress.   It's so easy for our minds to take off a mile a minute if we let them.

The skill that's helped me is to learn to be more assertive (rather than dominant - that's just not me) --and to pick my battles. It's much easier for me to be more assertive about some things than others. And that's ok. We're works in progress.

All of you are amazing and deserve some form of gratitude, Thank you. Honestly this entire thread is just me being stressed out at recent events and life in general, and it's really touching to see your thought out responses and experiences.

@Kylo, I highly appreciate your take on the dominant side of things, regarding how stressful it is. My stress is mainly just wishful thinking feeling like life would be better on the other side I guess, but perhaps a balance of meekness and assertiveness is best from what I've read of yours. Practice and repetition has been my main thing Im working on, both in work and life. It's not easy, but I've been trying to take tips when I can...and I'll try to replace the fake confidence with real confidence soon, hehe!

@CrziCricket ...yeah I know being a guy doesnt mean I dont have to follow a certain way of things, Im not sure why I made a thread venting about something I know, that my masculinity isnt invalidated. Sometimes you need people to tell you again because personal life knocks you down.

When I say affect I mean...I guess I dont inflect my voice well, when Im happy or sad or funny, I just say things...and funny doesnt come out well with a flat voice. Being reserved has always been a struggle, I dont mind it myself but Ive been told others seem to growing up. Im happy though, despite it all, I guess part of it comes with acceptance to a certain extent.

Toxic masculinity is one of those gender role concepts, even pre transition, that I absolutely despised. I always found the expectations of men to be incredibly unfair and it sucks. A lot of guys still suffer from that, sadly.

You're sweet, Im glad that you would go out of your way to help me ^_^ Luckily coming home today I got an email from my school  instructor and we're going to discuss my options, I dont know what that means from here on, but hopefully its good, Im not going to that site tomorrow.

Regarding credibility I just assumed it could potentially mess with my passing someday >.> I figured I could get away with it more because Im young, Its probably a misplaced fear though a lot of guys Ive seen arent always outwardly confident and assertive.

@Hughie I really have been stressed, its nice seeing you around and seeing you improve along things with me and deal with a bunch of dysphoria-inducing events Im definitely working on being assertive sometimes and accepting it others. Progress, here we go!

Thanks for the kind words Hughie, it makes me happy to actively talk amongst you guys!

I've had issues with social anxiety and had similar fears about getting jobs where I would have to work with people yet not know how to interact with them. I feel like it actually stunted my career growth significantly and it's just now starting to turn around for me.

I've been on an antidepressant steadily for two years and I've also been on T for a year now. Both have seriously improved my social anxiety. The antidepressant helps minimize the anxiety and being on T and finally transitioning has given me a lot more confidence overall. I'm a lot better than I was even just a year ago and I'm constantly improving. If you can't afford to see a therapist or psychiatrist you can look into your insurance to see what it covers or get a plan that will cover mental health services. You don't necessarily need to take medication like I do, there's no "one plan fits all" kind of thing but a mental health professional can help you figure it out.

As far as being more passive goes, it's not necessarily a feminine trait to be more submissive and passive although that's what a lot of us are incorrectly brought up to think. I think the key is knowing when it's okay to be more passive like you're naturally inclined to be versus when you need to step beyond your comfort zone and be more dominant in a situation. Everyone leans more towards one or the other; being either more passive or more dominant, but sometimes you need a balance of both. If you're going into the medical field there may be times when you'll need to step up and make big decisions or give others direction and that has nothing to do being male or female, it's just a job requirement.

Hopefully being on T will give you a confidence boost and you'll be able to see someone about your anxiety. It might sound strange but I've also found that practicing helps. I've worked a few jobs in retail where I was pretty much forced to talk to people all the time and it helped me learn how to interact better socially. If you want to be more dominant in your relationship you could just practice and it'll help in other areas too. It doesn't even have to be in the bedrooom, maybe be the one who decides where to take your girlfriend on a date or something like that then just go from there.

Your symptoms do very much sound like you're on the spectrum. I actually frequent a ->-bleeped-<- for Asperger's. It's a great place to discuss your symptoms, see what others like you experience in their day-to-day, and you'd be surprised how many symptoms exist that are never talked about, things you would have never thought were connected to it. They can probably also help you get a diagnosis with a doctor if you're looking for that.

I feel for you with the relationship aspect. It truly is different being a female in the relationship vs being the man and being expected to lead everything. My last relationship was with a really big guy, and he's generally straight, but likes to be dominated occasionally (it's a sexual thing). So he thought I would be able to do that for him. However, between my Asperger's and my intense sexual issues (soooooo much worse after dating him, fml), I wasn't the thrill he was seeking. It's hard to try to "act" dominating when the person you're dominating has metaphorically pushed your head in the mud and told you you're garbage.

It's probably hard for normal guys to feel confident when they're the quieter type, but once you add in all the issues that come from being transgender/in the process of transition, some of us just don't have a chance. Personally, I'm still holding out hope that one day, I'll look male, and won't worry as much about being quieter sometimes, and not taking charge. I'm still coming to terms with all my issues, but I do try to take notice of the people around me. When I see other guys who are a little quieter/more reserved, I don't think of them as any less of a man, and I try to tell myself that maybe one day, when I look male, that other people will see me the same way.

I've honestly always been jealous of transwomen, because no matter their personality, they come out looking strong . People's perceptions of what a man should be are a lot more strict, and it's easy to fall short of being seen as a man (especially for people like me, with the body of a scrawny, prepubescent boy).

Good luck in your struggles, it's a tough world out there for anyone with Autism OR gender issues. Hopefully one day, you'll be able to see your strength to deal with these issues internally as a male trait, whether that's something others can see or not.

I totally get needing to vent because you are still struggling to accept it in your heart, not just your head.

I wanted to touch more on being quiet and passive. Especially the part about how you talk. (I know that is something others are commenting on as well)
My hubby is the same way. He doesn't talk about his feelings, but when he does you wouldn't know how upset he really is because his voice doesn't really change. I hate it, I get the least bit emotional and EVERYONE can tell... he can get FURIOUS and only a few people who know him well can tell.
The only time you can really see him react is when he's not being listened to.

(through me talking to him about transitioning and throwing our lives and relationship up in the air he has only ever shown hesitation, even though I know he is scared and concerned.)

The people around you are used to how you talk about personal things and I am sure they know you just don't show in your voice that it is effecting you.

Outward confidence in people is one of those weird things. It's expected of guys but is frowned upon in women. Yet a lot of guys I know are only outwardly confident when talking about things they know and are passionate about. I know FAR more women who exude confidence no matter what. (I think this has to do with them being moms and so they have no worries of over-stepping boundaries when they ask for things anymore)



SOOOO glad that you are going to hopefully be able to work something out with school... I hope it all goes well.

I'm the same way, and I will say my anxiety improved slightly upon starting T and even more after top surgery, but it's still definitely an issue. Of course it's nice to be confident regardless of gender, but so many people (including cis men) are quiet and shy most people don't even think twice about it. I would say the fact that you have an internship and are in a relationship at all says something, and it's very common for people with anxiety to blow up their problems and make them seem bigger than they actually are, so maybe you really aren't as bad as you think. Try to focus on the good things and take note of behaviors that have positive outcomes so you can repeat them (I know, easier said than done).

I'm not incredibly familiar with the autism spectrum so I can't speak on that, but it definitely sounds like you could have social anxiety. You don't necessarily need a therapist, but I would talk to your PCP about it and see if they can help you.

You know, body language is very important when it comes to assessing someone's temperament, and there's things you can do to improve how you come across. It can be something of a balancing act, but stand straight, look people in the eye, pay close attention to their cues and respond quickly, and that goes a long way to making you seem alert, 'alive' and ready - and therefore confident. Looking down or away, sitting or standing in the farthest corners as if trying to disappear into a wall (something I tend to do out of habit because I don't like my back exposed to people) sagging your shoulders and so on do make a person look as if they are submissive or uncomfortable. Dominant people often take up more space around them, submissive people make themselves as small and unimposing as they can with their body language.   

It can be a fine line between seeming confident and seeming aggressive with your body depending on the situation, but I would say it's about 50% of the picture, the rest being how you speak and what you say. Thankfully it can all be learned, even if you are exceptionally shy. Something as simple as crossing your arms can send a confident or defensive signal to somebody, as well as the volume and stress of your voice.