Hi everyone I'm not totally sure whether this is the right forum section for this post, but okay. I'm 17 and started identifying as FtM just over a year ago. I've been out at school for half a year. I came out to my mother 9 months ago and she was very, very angry and told me to never speak about this issue again. If my dad found out that I'm identifying as trans he would also react very badly. I can't see either of my parents coming to terms with me being trans, ever really. The reasons for this are very complicated but include the fact that my mum is convinced that to be a trans man is sexist and that I am rejecting her and all of feminism, and generally reducing everything she thinks she's taught me to nothing. She said there is nothing worse I could possibly to do her than identify as a man. Now, she acts like I never came out and treats me as a girl again.

I have a friend who is also trans and 22 and he regularly tells me that I need to get on the waiting list to start transitioning now. This is because we live in the UK where transition can be available on the NHS but there are very long waiting times. So, if I was to get on the waiting list for T now, I'd probably get it when I'm about to leave university.

While my parents are transphobic, my relationship with them is very important to me and I would say I'm close with them in other areas of life. I hate the thought of betraying them. Especially my mum, as I am her only "daughter" and she invests a lot in me. Starting T would not only permanently destroy my relationship with both my parents, it would probably destroy their relationship too because it isn't very good anyway and this stress would ruin it. My mum also said herself that me transitioning would ruin her and my father's lives.

But, I really, really want T. I'm worried that in 4 years time I will hate myself for not getting onto the waiting list. The waiting times are getting longer and longer and I'm really upset at the thought of how long it will take me to get T. So, I have no idea what to do. It essentially seems to be between ruining my parents life and ruining my life. I feel pretty rubbish about it all. Any advice is appreciated

At the end of the day, you have to live your life for yourself. It sounds like your mom has some issues of her own she's going to have to work through in regards to some of her perspectives on things. You aren't responsible for their relationship or their happiness as individuals, either.
I know you love the two of them but there comes a time when you have to take control of your own life and future. They may come around (given time, of course) or, honestly, they may not. That definitely sucks to hear but it's the reality of the situation. The one constant in this entire situation is likely going to be your internalized feelings about your physical gender being incorrect. Once those thoughts creep in, they're pretty much there to stay on some level or another.

My best advice? Put yourself on the waiting list now. If you change your mind about transitioning later down the line, you can bow out of the services. You can't, however, go back in time and kick yourself for not signing up in the first place.

Welcome to Susan's Place. Treatment is more that T and it doesn't follow a standard path. You  should sign up now and do therapy first. That will help you  come to terms with your parents and then when you  are ready, you need only say yes to T. The wait will then be minimal and you are in control of when you start T.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

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Quote from: Stone Magnum on February 20, 2017, 05:55:01 PM
At the end of the day, you have to live your life for yourself. It sounds like your mom has some issues of her own she's going to have to work through in regards to some of her perspectives on things. You aren't responsible for their relationship or their happiness as individuals, either.
I know you love the two of them but there comes a time when you have to take control of your own life and future. They may come around (given time, of course) or, honestly, they may not. That definitely sucks to hear but it's the reality of the situation. The one constant in this entire situation is likely going to be your internalized feelings about your physical gender being incorrect. Once those thoughts creep in, they're pretty much there to stay on some level or another.

My best advice? Put yourself on the waiting list now. If you change your mind about transitioning later down the line, you can bow out of the services. You can't, however, go back in time and kick yourself for not signing up in the first place.

Okay, thanks. I think I do know at some level that you're right. I guess I just need to get the courage to do it at some point not too far in the future then  Thanks for your input and also, I like your avatar!

Quote from: Dena on February 20, 2017, 07:11:19 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. Treatment is more that T and it doesn't follow a standard path. You  should sign up now and do therapy first. That will help you  come to terms with your parents and then when you  are ready, you need only say yes to T. The wait will then be minimal and you are in control of when you start T.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

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Thank you! Do you mean that once I get to the end of the waiting list, I'll be able to decide when I want T? That would be a good outcome. Thank you for the links

I agree, getting on the waiting list now would probably be a good idea, especially if you think you'll regret not doing it. The four years between now and then will give your parents some time to work things out too, hopefully by then they will be more accepting of you.

The waiting list is now 2-4 years depending where you are in UK and it will probably get worse over time with the way things are going with the NHS. I would get on it ASAP.

I used to have a rather close relationship with my mother, but all that deteriorated over the most petty of things (nothing trans related) and she since showed her true colors. Sounds like your mother's ideology means more to her than her child. If you are FTM then she never had a daughter and ought to accept what you really are if she cares. I would be wary of placing parents on a pedestal ahead of your own life and wellbeing. I did, and it was a waste of time and energy. All the things I did for them, things I put up with that nobody should have to was pointless. They were just selfish people all along.

Live your own life.

I am a parent of two grown sons. As a parent your top thought is simple. You want your kids happy.
Moni

I had a similar conversation at 14 with my father, where he basically explained to me, that if I were to pursue this further, I'd be homeless. (In so many words.) This was shortly after my mother lost her mind when I started painting my nails.

For what it's worth I swallowed my pride, and sense of self, and became a perfectly miserable, hateful, example of masculinity that everyone could be 'proud of' for the sake of my interpersonal relationships. My relationship with my parents, much like Kylo, fell apart anyway when I began to realize my parents were actually just AWFUL people.

I'm now 31 years old, disowned, mostly homeless living out of boxes, and have begun transitioning.

I've never been happier.

That said, If I could've had those 17 years back, and done this then when I could, I can only IMAGINE where my life would be right now. I'm sure many wonder the same.

Time is precious and it's yours, not theirs. Not anyone else's.

What Angela said.  Times 10.  I told my parents I wanted to be a girl when I was seven.  That did not work out well.  From then on I had my dad all over me, trying to teach me sports, pushing me into the boy scouts, constantly questioning me about dating girls from the time I was fourteen until I married my first wife.

He was ably assisted by an older male cousin, who threw the ball hard and always cheated at board games.  I gradually realized that Dad loved that cousin more than he loved me, and that Mom and Dad loved my younger brother and sister more than they loved me.

I wasted most of my life trying to be a junior version of my older cousin in order to win my father's love, and I eventually realized that my mother and father were really just bad people.  Dad was a creepy smarmy frenemy kind of guy.  Everything out of his mouth to me was an admonition, a threat, a warning, or a criticism.  And if he wanted me to do something, or not do something, then every time we would talk he would deliberately steer the conversation to that very thing and just nag and nag me until I did what he wanted just to shut him up.  By young adulthood I had learned that answering honestly when he said "how are you doing?" was a bad idea.

Dad was silenced by a stroke in 2009, and I ran on like a windup toy for another five years having screaming matches with him inside my head before I purged out all the garbage he filled me with and found .... nothing.  I had spent my whole live being someone I wasn't and I didn't know who I was.

I had been suffering massive, debilitating panic attacks for ten years, as my ability to be "that guy" was slowly breaking down.  I was literally falling apart.

And then, from the darkness and the depths, a beautiful, female voice began to cry out, begging for life, begging to be brought into the light.  I slowly began to recover small shreds of myself, my true self, and weave them into a cohesive whole.

Wearing the right clothes was a big step.  So was growing my hair.  And then the hormones unlocked my heart, turned me back into the happy person I had not been since I was five years old.

Now I am a girl who smiles whenever she looks into a mirror, shoots selfies on a daily basis, and dances whenever there is music playing.

It took me until I was past 50 years old to learn to live for myself, not for my parents.

What if you got engaged, and you parent's hated them.Would you break it off just for them? No that would be ridiculous. No matter how much you love your parents, you gotta follow your heart. This is about who you are, not what they want. It's not like you can just be like okay, I'm not longer trans, because i love you. This is a big decision in your life, and your the only person that can make it. If your parents truly love you, they will accept any choice you make, even if they don't like it. Don't ignore their concerns and complaints. Acknowledge them and tell why you have to do what you have to do. All you can do is hope that their love for you enough to see you for who you truly are. *hugs*