I have no one to talk to. So, I post here. No one will care, though.

It doesn't matter.

It has been almost a decade since I actively began my transition. I see now that it has been a waste of time. I no longer seem to pass and I can't do anything about it. I don't know if it's the anti-anxiety meds that are screwing with things. Or if it's just the fact that my genetics suck.

I wish that I could turn back the clock 30 years and I could have ended things at that time. I only hung around this long for the benefit of my family.

I am tired of being here. Living in this world and in this body has absolutely sucked.

I don't know if you pass or not because many people think they don't pass but they do. Our image of our physical body is very difficult to overcome and it takes time to see ourselves in the new roll. In addition, makeup, hair and other trick sometimes will trip the balance enough that while we may not be attractive, we are passable.

I think this is something you need to discuss with a therapist as you medication/life view may required some thought. My transition required 8 years to complete so I understand what you are feeling but I am not really sure what you have done so far to make it happen. Just taking pills is not enough because there are so many things that go into a transition. The people here are willing to help you if you are willing to work with them.

Quote from: Laura_Squirrel on March 21, 2017, 10:24:52 PM
I have no one to talk to. So, I post here. No one will care, though.

It doesn't matter.

It has been almost a decade since I actively began my transition. I see now that it has been a waste of time. I no longer seem to pass and I can't do anything about it. I don't know if it's the anti-anxiety meds that are screwing with things. Or if it's just the fact that my genetics suck.

I wish that I could turn back the clock 30 years and I could have ended things at that time. I only hung around this long for the benefit of my family.

I am tired of being here. Living in this world and in this body has absolutely sucked.

Okay so it sounds like your sad.   I'm sorry, I can't even imagine.

I agree with Dena in that it would be good to talk to your therapist as well because I don't know how much I, for example, could help you.

But I do have something I think may help because I think about, what you think about.  What happens when I get older or if I can't take the hormones for some health reason?   

I've noticed that a lot of girls here put a huge emphasise on how they look, how feminine, can they pass or not, comparing themselves to cis girls, etc. 

This is what I do. 

First and foremost Im doing this for me.  I'm transitioning because I want my body and face to look like what I see in my mind.  Curves, boobies, more hair, soft skin, body fat, face fat.  That's what makes a girl look like a girl mostly.  There are plenty of cis girls with pot bellies, bald heads, no eyebrows, broad shoulders, butch ass cis chicks wearing baseball caps, and a lot of them are ugly as hell.  So me being ugly doesn't mean I'm not a girl, and it doesn't mean your not a girl either if that's your problem.

I don't know what Im gonna look like after my transition, and I understand that I'll look a little different, or maybe not I don't know, but that's not why Im doing it, that doesn't matter. 

I promise you that there are plenty of people out there that will love you, and appreciate you.  Being attractive is a mindset.  How many times have you seen a terribly ugly person with a super mega catch?  It's a mind set.  You just have to be okay with your self and your shortcomings, the rest comes from there.

I also think a lot of people are also way to picky about who their mates are, and I blame Disney for that (long story).



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Quote from: JosieXOXO on March 22, 2017, 02:05:10 AM
First and foremost Im doing this for me.  I'm transitioning because I want my body and face to look like what I see in my mind.  Curves, boobies, more hair, soft skin, body fat, face fat.  That's what makes a girl look like a girl mostly.  There are plenty of cis girls with pot bellies, bald heads, no eyebrows, broad shoulders, butch ass cis chicks wearing baseball caps, and a lot of them are ugly as hell.  So me being ugly doesn't mean I'm not a girl, and it doesn't mean your not a girl either if that's your problem.

I don't know what Im gonna look like after my transition, and I understand that I'll look a little different, or maybe not I don't know, but that's not why Im doing it, that doesn't matter. 

I promise you that there are plenty of people out there that will love you, and appreciate you.  Being attractive is a mindset.  How many times have you seen a terribly ugly person with a super mega catch?  It's a mind set.  You just have to be okay with your self and your shortcomings, the rest comes from there.

I also think a lot of people are also way to picky about who their mates are, and I blame Disney for that (long story).

I'm also doing this for me and if I take a  look around I can confirm your statements, women come in all sizes and forms. We should no try to compare ourselves with the "top" level, whatever that means.  I'm quit happy so far with the outcome because of the fact, when I look in the mirror, it's the first time that I feel comfortable with the image I see. I finally see me!

I had an aunt with alopecia, this did help to accept the fact that I will most likely need to wear wigs all the time. But the positive part of it is, I can wear different hair styles whenever I want.

Regarding being picky, I wasn't and it backfired twice.

Laura,

I will be turning 67 this time next week.  I am not very far along in transition.  I am not even sure, as yet, if what I am doing could be called a transition.  I have, however, been wrestling the loneliness beast myself.  I had all but given up any hope of actually living RLE. You know what I mean.  Something more than the server interaction of "Eight ounce steak, medium well, with baked potato, no sour creme, and the steamed broccoli, please." with a person whose only motivation is to maximize the tip. I mean friendships with people I really know and like and who know the real me and like what the know.

I have decided to try and expand my network of one node by reaching out to others in this very diverse transgender community.  I am looking to get to know people who don't really care if I am 100% passable.  I want to find people who will give me a free pass because they like something about the person under that not so passable, ugly, old broad exterior.

I have resolved to do a better job of letting everyone know the inner me.  I am not everyone's cup of tea, but, I am sure there are more than a few people that would like to get better acquainted with someone who grew up on a family farm in western PA, worked on a mink ranch as a young'n, married his high school sweetheart and is still in love with her after 48 years in spite of her foibles and the trials of life, fathered two daughters, suffered the loss one of them due to her inability to forgive her parent''s flaws (not trans related), worked in the coal mines, knows how to program computers,  lived aboard a sailboat with his wife for seven years and cruised the Bahamas and the ICW up to the Chesapeake, studied the Bible and reached some heterodox conclusions about what is really says about God's purpose for all his children, follows the current ID movement and has a thought or two about that controversy and so much more and happens to transgender, to boot.  How is anyone who might find some aspect of me interesting to them going to connect with me if all I offer is the woe is me part of me?

Surely there are things about you that are important to you that some others here would find interesting.  Do you collect turtle figurines?  Do you like to feed the cardinals in the winter and the hummingbirds in the summer?  Have you lived in an unusual place or worked at an unusual occupation?  Do you volunteer for a special cause?  Is there nothing at all?

I am not belittling the very real pains and anguishes all of us here endure.  We all need to have others hear our cries for help and understanding.  We have all, at one time or another, needed some one to reach down and help us up out of our despair.  But, if all we offer others is our negatives, is it any wonder that we find ourselves feeling alone because we will drive all away from us, eventually.  People worth having for friends are looking further down than skin-deep.  We should be more active in giving them a great view. Remember, no one can look into a dark abyss forever whether be one's own abyss or the abyss of others.  Find a way to light up your inner being so it is no longer an abyss.

I have no idea if any of this little rant applies to you, Laura.  Forgive me if I have missed the mark with my words.  But, over this past week I have come to an epiphany of sorts and realize that I have to present to others more than a pretty, passable, face (Something I can actually do in very dim lighting. Well, not so pretty in any light.).  Instead, I must present a real total person that has some positives to offer.  That is how to be truly attractive person, regardless your gender identity/body match up.

That is the path I intend to follow.  Laura, girls and boys. Do you want to join me?

Stephanie

I feel bad that you see passing as so important.

I don't pass at all really. Well, I only do if they only see me from behind, or from the side and never see my whole face. I probably won't ever either unless maybe I can come up with the money for FFS. But even then, it's a gamble...

I like to see it as a good thing really. I can probably do more good if people actually know that I'm trans. Sure, some transphobic people might hate me by being visibly trans, but they would hate me just the same once they found out. It's much easier if I know how they feel from the beginning...most people just ignore me, though I live in a relatively trans-friendly area currently. Most people that actually get to know me like me, I think that it is really better if more non-passing trans people stop hiding themselves from the world.

Hi Laura. You're right, living in this world, in this body, has absolutely sucked.

I'm sorry your life has been so awful, and that the world is such a cold place for some.

There's seriously no justice in it.

You're a good person for sticking around for your family.

I hope you can find some way to feel a little bit better. Take care.